My name is Wirt. Last names aren't very important to me. Anyways, I'm a junior in high school. I moved to California last month. I'm 17, and I'm fucking poetry in motion. This is pretty much all you need to know about me. For now.

It's 5:30AM on the first dreaded Monday of the school year. Wirt slaps his alarm clock off, sighing to himself. Greg runs into his room, jumping on his older brother who was trying to go back to sleep. "Wirt! I'm starting the 4th grade today, you've gotta drive me to school!" he screamed, or at least that's what it sounded like to half asleep Wirt. Wirt stands groggily, pulling his favorite red hoodie and matching beanie out of his closet, throwing it on. "Okay, fine. Go get ready little man." After Greg is dropped off and comfortable with his surroundings, Wirt kisses him on the head and leaves. After twenty minutes of being lost and driving around in his brand new blue 1975 Buick that he has named Beatrice, he found the high school. He muttered some words of confidence to himself as he parked next to an old, junky golf cart. Placing his sunglasses on their designated spot, he got out of his car.

The day was a breeze until fifth hour, which was band. Wirt was especially looking forward to band today, it was the highlight of his school life in Massachusetts. He took a seat in a random chair, as it said to on the board, holding his clarinet close to his heart. A few people walk in with their instruments, sitting in chairs around him. The class is almost full, except a few chairs around Wirt which were empty. He wasn't enjoying it much until a giant nerd dragged his sousaphone into the class. The director looked at Wirt and said "Red hat, what's your name?" "Uh, Wirt." A few snickers from the class erupted. "Help noodle arms get his instrument into the class." He nods in an okay, standing and going to help the boy out. Once the boy is settled into his seat with a very deep blush tinting his freckled face. "Thank you." his mumbled back to the red hat behind him as the director rumbled on. "Welcome freckles." "It's Dipper." "Little or big?" "Uh?" "I meant the constellations babe, like Ursa Minor and Ursa Major, but if you're willing to answer that question too, I'm all ears." Dipper blushed heavily, swallowing hard. "What's yours?" quickly changing the subject. "Wirt, but you can call me anytime. Speaking of which, class is over, and I lost my phone, do you think you could call it?" "Uh, yeah sure." Pulling out his phone, Wirt punches in his phone number, handing it back. As Dipper presses call, Wirt's ringtone goes off which just so happened to be the "MOM holy FUCK" meme. Dipper's eyebrows furrow as Wirt pulls his phone out of his pocket and slides it to answer. "Thanks cutie. Also, what's your next hour?" "Uh, math." "Me too, with ?" "Mm-hm." "Walk with me?" and to which Dipper replies, "if I have to." with a smile.

Arriving to math class together, Wirt looks at the seating chart and then notices Dipper looking sad, noticing he's in the back. Then, he turns around to face the chalkboard and grins. The class takes their seats. The teacher walks in and sits at his desk. Dipper immediately raises his hand. Before calling on him, Mr. Matthews looks at the seating chart and calls his name. "Yes, Dipper?" "Um, I'd like to solve the problem on the board if that's alright." Mr. Matthews scoffed and replied "Well, if you think you can. That's from my Senior class, the period before this one." "Well, if I didn't have band I would have band that hour I would be there." Dipper snapped right back. Wirt erupts from the middle of the class with a loud "oooOOOH" and the rest of the class joins him. "Solve it, then smarty-pants." With that, Dipper stands proudly. Before he gets to the board, he smirked, because what the teacher didn't know, he'd already solved it in his notes. He grabs chalk, and the quickest he can, re-solves the problem onto the board. Sitting his chalk down, he turns to the teacher with his arms behind his back. "How's that for a smarty-pants?" Once again, you hear Wirt comment "Fuck, man? Looks and brains?" and Dipper regains the red in his face he had an hour ago. "Oh, teach, for my reward, I'd like to sit as far away from Wirt as possible please." The teacher laughs. "Reward? How about I write you up for wearing a hat in my class?" With this, Wirt erupts from this desk. "If he's going to get written up for wearing a hat I'll have to go to, because I'm about to go off on a teacher for neglecting school dress code. Which, clearly states, 'students may wear hats.'" "Wirt. Dipper. Detention. One week." "TWO weeks!" Wirt screams, fire in his eyes, walking to the front of the class with Dipper clearly trying to hold him back. "THREE weeks!" the teacher screams. "A freaking MONTH." "DEAL. Now get the hell out of my class."

After handing them both hall passes to the principals office, a month of detention written in all caps on both of their slips. As they're walking out, Dipper sniffles. Wirt turns around quicker than ever. "What's wrong?" "I-I've never had detention before. The only time I've ever been in the detention hall, was um, to watch over the bad kids." Wirt holds back a laugh, but then gives a sad smile. "I'm sorry, I thought you were a bad boy." Dipper smiles back. Wirt slows his walking a bit, and holds out his hand for the shorter boy to grab. He gladly accepted. Wirt then whispered to him, "I have clue where we're going." with a short laugh. Dipper laughed back, realizing they were going the wrong way. Turning around, his day brightened slightly. Red hat boy is starting to get very cute to him. Maybe detention won't be all that bad.

That is until he saw Bill Cipher. Nothing much to him, besides being your local meme enthusiast/illuminati theorist. "Hey Pinetree! You looking after us JUVENILES again today?" "No Bill, for the next month I'm a juvenile thanks to this gnome." Pointing up to Wirt. "So that means I get to BUG you for the next MONTH? Um, yay." Wirt started to visibly get irritated at the way this 'Bill' guy was looking at Dipper. Bill then turned toward Wirt, smiling. "Who're you? Hah just kidding, I'm just gonna call you gnome, because Pinetree called you that." "Why do you call him that?" "His last name is Pines! Plus, have you seen his hat?" "Oh." He smirked, looking at Dipper. He whispered into the shorter ones ear "Mr. Wirt Pines, I can get used to that." Dipper almost turns purple, and then Bill buds in, sliding in between them. "You KNOW, secrets don't make FRIENDS. But I've got plenty of those, and I don't mean friends." Bill winks. The teacher walks in, arranging the seating where Dipper is in the front row, Bill behind him, Wirt at the end. After a while, the teacher fell asleep. Wirt kicks Bill's desk, handing him a note. Bill turns to Wirt, eyes glittering with mischief, of course. "For ME?" He smirked. Wirt, instead of replying, kicks his leg again, pointing at Dipper, who was doodling in a notebook Mabel had bought him the day before, especially for doodling. Bill rolls his eyes. "I know, I know." He leans forward. "Yo Pinetree, your boyfriends got a little somthin'-somthin' for you." He said, tugging the back of Dipper's pants, sliding the note into the back of Dipper's boxers. "Man, I didn't know they made panties in this size." Bill announced to the room, and Wirt flew out of his desk, coughing rather loudly. After fiddling around to find the note in his pants, Dipper snatches the note out of his boxers. He turns himself around to face Bill, and smiles at the note. It reads "Hey, do you wanna get outta here?" And Dipper replies aloud, "Why didn't you just text me? Bill is reading this, you know." Bill smirks. "Well, the teach sleeps until...like seven so WE have got PLENTY of time." "Um, I wasn't asking you, Cipher." "Why's that?" "Because you're not included in my 'we'. My 'we' is Dipper and I." Wirt became very angry and red-faced at Bill. "You KNOW, the teacher DOES wake up very easily, so if I, I don't know, scream at the top of my lungs, he might wake up." Wirt bites his lip, looking Bill in the eyes, standing up slightly in his desk. "You know, he doesn't like you." Bill stands. "Pinetree and I are friends, why wouldn't he like me? Why would you say my own BLOOD doesn't like me?" Wirt sits down. "Oh, fuck." Dipper blushes at how mad he'd gotten, and bursts out in laughter. "Oh my god, you thought? You really? He's my cousin!" Bill sits, very confused. "Thought what? Why did the gnome snap at me?" "C'mon freckles, let's just go, I'm sick of this. Also, I'm hungry." Wirt stands, talking up to Dipper, grabbing his hand. Bill stands, sits on the floor and pouts, crossing his arms. "Fine, GO. It's not like I CARE or ANYTHING. Who needs EMOTIONS anyway? Not when I have the LOVE of my LIFE." Bill says as he pulls a family sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of his backpack. Silently whispering, Bill strokes the Doritos fondly. "You're family sized because we're gonna have a big family. And a BACKYARD. For the ATTACK DOGS." Wirt looked at Dipper, stroking his thumb on Dipper's hand. "He's insane." "Hey, I'm related to that psychotic Dorito lover." Wirt snorted. Bill opens the Dorito bag, still whispering sweet nothings to it. Wirt sighs, mumbling. "C'mon Dorito, let's go." Bill CRUSHES the ENTIRE bag of Doritos and screamed at the top of his lungs "REALLY?!" and Wirt nods as the teacher wakes up from deep slumber, and the three dart out of the classroom as if being chased by a thousand bees.

NOTES

We're memes. It's 9AM. We haven't slept. And we're memes.

MOM HOLY FUCK audio: watch?v=U6PTdWuwLm8