Peridot the Gem from Outer Space

By: Element of One

It was a Saturday night, and the gems were all seated around the coffee table, playing cards and telling jokes with one another.

"I swear I don't understand the meaning behind some of these jokes," Pearl exclaimed, as she adjusted the cards in her hand. "Go Fish, Steven."

As Steven reached into the deck to retrieve another card, Amethyst leaned over to whisper something to him.

"You'll have to forgive Pearl," she exclaimed. "She's not very bright unless someone's throwing a lamp at her!"

With that, both Steven and Garnet started laughing, but Pearl quickly protested, "What was that!? What did you just say about me!?" Then the two started bickering. As Pearl was getting loud, Steven set his cards down on the table then shouted,

"Wait! Hold on Guys!"

"I have joke that everyone will enjoy!"

"And it's not about any of you, it's about Peridot!"

Amethyst now had a large grin on her face, as she too set her cards down, then she said, "This better be a good one! Don't be afraid to make it dirty!"

Then Garnet chimed in and said, "Alright then, let's hear it Steven. I could use a good Peridot joke!"

Then Pearl began to blush, as she too replied, "Go right ahead, but please keep it clean!"

"I'll try," Steven replied, then Amethyst started giggling.

"Here it goes.."

The Joke

"So," Steven exclaimed. "A guy walks into a bar, then…"

"Oh come on dude!" interrupted Amethyst. "Not one of those lame bar jokes! Think of something original!"

"Shhh!" Pearl whispered. "Let him continue! I want to hear what he has to say about Peridot!"

Steven smiled at her, then nodded his head as he continued.

"So..."

"As I was saying…"

"A guy walks into a bar, then he walks up to the bartender and says, 'I'm only flesh and blood, I need a woman!…"

"Then the bartender replies, 'Hell, there ain't no women in this town! If you want to do any of that funny business, all we got is Peridot the Gem from Outer Space!"

Then Steven paused, as he could see the expressions on the gems faces slowly start to change. Pearl's eyes were stingy, as she subtly placed her fingertips over her temples. As she began to massage her head, she replied, "Steven! What kind of a joke is this!?"

"It's an awesome joke!" Amethyst replied. "Keep going, you're doing good Bro!"

Then he looked at Garnet for permission, but she was hard to read as her demeanor was stoic, and she now had her arms folded.

"Go on," she exclaimed. "Please continue, Steven."

Sensing her approval, he continued….

Peridot the Gem from Outerspace

"No, No, the man replies," Steven exclaimed. "I'm not into that funny stuff…..I'll be fine."

"So the man leaves the bar, then he comes back a week later and says to the bartender, 'Well, I'm only flesh and blood, a man has needs….."

"…..and if you say there's no women in this town….

"Well, I guess I'll have to go with Peridot the Gem from Outerspace!"

"Then the man leaned in close to the bartender and said, 'but listen now I don't want anybody to know about this! Nobody can know!"

"Then the bartender replies, 'Well, four people will know about it."

"How do you figure that?" The man asked.

"Well," the bartender replies.

"I'll know about it…"

"You'll know about it…."

"Peridot the Gem from Outer Space will know about it…"

"…..And the guy that's going to hold down Peridot will know about it as well…."

It went too far…

After Steven finished his joke, he watched as Pearl's mouth dropped, then she quickly rose to her feet. As she walked over towards him, she yanked him up from the floor, then she said, "Time for bed Steven!"

Amethyst fell over, and was exploding with laughter, as Garnet began to smile a little. When Pearl was marching up the stairs, with Steven wrapped in her arms, she looked at him, then asked, "Where did you hear that joke!?"

"From a comedian," Steven exclaimed. "His name is Norm Macdonald."

"Well whoever he is, he obviously has no moral code!" Pearl replied. "It was done in poor taste!"

"We know Peridot is our enemy, but to say a joke such as the one that you just said, is very disrespectful and demeaning!"

As she tucked Steven in his bed, he looked up at her, then he asked, "Are you mad at me!?"

"No," Pearl whispered. "Of course not."

"Go to sleep Steven, rest."

After she gave him his goodnight kiss, she leaned up from his bed, the she proceeded to walk down the stairs. As she was doing so, she heard Steven say,

"All we got is Pearl the Crystal Gem…"

Then her eyes grew wide, and as she turned back to face him, but he quickly burrowed underneath his covers, and whispered,

"Goodnight Pearl!"

"I love you!"