So, the first bit of this may be a little boring, but if you read till the end, it gets better.
Marvel owns everything, except for the idiot (Schelburg).
Johann Schelburg was, without a doubt, the luckiest man in the whole world.
He had a secret. A secret no one else knew, that was about to make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. He could almost feel the euros jingling in his pocket, and he was already scheming about what he was going to do with the money once he had it.
He already had plans for how he was going to use this valuable information to his benefit. Unfortunately, he could only use it once, and after that one time, it would be useless. But he intended to make that one time count.
He would sell his secret to one of the world's top information agencies (he hadn't decided which one yet) for a tremendous amount of money, and he would do it soon. But not yet.
For now, he was more intent on his game of Schafkopf.
Schelburg gazed intently at his opponents as they sat around the table, waiting breathlessly for him to make his next move. Then, abruptly, he threw down his card, and the other men roared in admiration and dismay as they began emptying their pockets and turning their contents over to Schelburg.
"That makes your fourth win tonight, Schelburg," one of his comrades announced, snatching the stack of cards from the table and beginning to shuffle them.
"Well, I'm ready for my fifth! I'm feeling lucky tonight," Schelburg stated arrogantly, taking another swig of beer.
"Let's see if that luck holds out for another round," another man challenged.
"I am ready," Schelburg said confidently.
As the other man began to deal out the cards, and wagers about the next game's winner began to circle the table, a feminine voice on Schelburg's left said, "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?"
Schelburg turned; and his jaw went slack when he found himself inches away from the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
She was of medium height, with bright eyes and luxurious red curls. Her red, knee-length formal hugged her figure in all the right places, and Schelburg let his eyes trail slowly over her curvy form, taking in every detail from her revealing neckline to her smooth, sculpted legs.
"Wha… no," he stammered.
She smiled winningly and sunk into the chair next to him, sliding it closer to him so that her enticing perfume wafted towards him.
"I'm Elsa," she said, batting her lashes prettily. "What's your name?"
"Johann," Schelburg managed to say.
"You seem to be very good at Schafkopf, Johann," Elsa cooed, gazing at his substantial pile of euros as she poured him another drink.
"I'm a very lucky man," Schelburg said boastfully. He leered proudly at his competitors, noting their envy at him for so cleverly and successfully captivating such an attractive lady.
As the next round of Schafkopf commenced, Elsa leaned on Schelburg's arm, observing the game closely and frequently commenting on his expert moves
"Of course I have expert moves. I am a genius," he declared; and she sighed in undisguised admiration as he took another gulp of beer.
But minutes later, she gasped in surprise. "Oh, Johann! That is a daring risk you're taking!" she said in wonder.
Schelburg chuckled. "I have full confidence in my good fortune."
"But surely it would be better to be cautious? After all, you don't want to forfeit all of your winnings," Elsa pointed out, nodding towards his stack of earnings.
"On the contrary. It is of no matter to me whether I secure any of this money or not," Schelburg said pompously.
"Then you must be very, very rich," Elsa said, sounding impressed.
Schelburg motioned for her to lean closer, lowering his voice mysteriously. "I am not yet. But I am just about to become the richest man in the entire world," he bragged.
Elsa opened her shining eyes in surprise. "Oooh, really? I suppose that would make you quite a catch for any girl, wouldn't it?"
"Yes," Schelburg said, leaning in even closer. "Quite a catch for any girl." He glanced downwards, noticing how irresistibly soft and full her lips were. Then suddenly, he grabbed her face in his hands and smashed her mouth against his. She kissed him back eagerly, and he grunted with pleasure at the delightful sensation.
He reached down and rested his hand on her smooth knee, then began sliding it up her leg towards the hem of her dress. Abruptly, she pulled out of the kiss, and he looked at her in confusion and disappointment.
"Johann," Elsa said softly. "Could we take this somewhere more private?" She glanced shyly at the other men.
Schelburg nodded. His game of Schafkopf was important, but there were other things that were more important. He took Elsa's slim hand and pulled her to her feet.
"I'll find us a bedroom," he said; and she nodded enthusiastically.
"Don't wait for me; I won't be back for a while," Schelburg instructed his friends; and they nodded, looking relieved at the chance to play without him and earn back their money.
Schelburg led Elsa across the crowded bar, stopping in front of the counter. "You there," he snapped at the bartender. "We want a room."
The man nodded, looking bored. "Down that hallway. First door on your right," he said, pointing at a doorway on their left.
Schelburg dragged Elsa out of the noisy room and into the hallway.
He opened the first door on the right and pushed her inside, then stepped inside himself. He shut the door, and turned to face Elsa, who was standing expectantly in the middle of the dingy room.
Not wanting to waste any time getting down to business, Schelburg started stripping off his clothes. Elsa moved closer to him.
"So… what makes you so sure you are going to be rich?" she asked curiously.
He laughed. "I have a secret that no one else knows. And it is going to earn me millions!"
"What kind of secret?" Elsa asked breathlessly.
Schelburg hesitated and glanced apprehensively towards the door. He knew in the back of his alcohol-dulled mind that it wouldn't be wise to divulge his secret to anyone, but he really wanted to tell this woman and impress her. Besides, who would she tell? She was just a harmless, pretty girl. So he made up his mind.
"Well… I'll tell you, darling, but you must promise to keep this between the two of us."
She nodded solemnly, her bright eyes gazing innocently into his. "You can trust me, Johann," she said fervently.
"Alright, then." Schelburg sat down at the foot of the creaky wooden bed and pulled Elsa down next to him. "I am a very courageous fighter in a secret group of fighters. Last week, my group and I attacked an enemy. All the other, weaker fighters died, but I cleverly managed to avoid death and barely escaped with my life," he said impressively.
Elsa's eyes widened with respect.
"But before I escaped the building, I learned a secret about the enemy. Recently, one of their bases was destroyed, and it was thought that everyone at the base had died. But I discovered that one of the men from this base is still living!" he said dramatically.
Elsa's eyes and mouth grew big. "Who was it?" she asked excitedly.
Schelburg shrugged. "I don't know his name. But I know he is currently hiding out in Berlin." He was starting to grow weary of talking, and tried to think of a creative way to get Elsa into bed. Finally he thought of one.
He scooted to the front of the bed and crawled between the sheets. "Get into bed, darling."
Elsa stood up. "Is that all you know, Johann?"
"Yes, that's all I know," Johann said impatiently. "Now come to bed."
"Alright," Elsa said, "I'm coming." She walked towards him, reaching for his exposed chest.
As her delicate hand made contact with his skin, an agonizing shock ripped through him, and he choked as his body shook uncontrollably. After a few seconds, the pain ended, and Schelburg was left feeling breathless, dizzy, and disoriented. He found to his terror that he couldn't move.
He looked up at Elsa in bewilderment and panic. The lovely, alluring smile had vanished from her face to be replaced by an expression of calm alertness.
She slipped the taser into her pocket and pressed a finger to her ear.
"Target down. I'm en route to your location," she said, switching from German to perfect English. Schelburg gaped at her. Who was this person?
Elsa strode to the door and opened it, then leaned out to look down the hallway into the bar. Seconds later, she slammed the door again and leaned her back against it.
"Scratch that. There are two suspects between me and the exit. They look like they're from Hydra. I could take them out, but I don't want to attract attention. You're gonna have to figure out a way to get me out of here."
She fell silent, and her gaze landed detachedly on Schelburg again. He was trying to struggle against his temporary paralysis, and mentally cursing himself for being taken in by her.
Suddenly, Elsa rolled her eyes. "No, Clint. Fury said our priority is to get the information. Plus, if he was found in here with an arrow between his eyes, his death would be investigated, so we'll only do it if there's an emergency."
After a moment, she sighed in annoyance. "His being a perv does not count as an emergency. Now will you please try to stay focused? I need evac."
Several minutes passed; and Elsa crossed her arms and drummed her fingers impatiently against her bicep.
Finally she lifted her finger to her ear again. "Really? That's perfect, keep working on it. I need out of here before Schelburg regains the use of his limbs."
A moment passed, and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh my gosh, Clint, what is your issue with this guy? It's not like this is the first time I've done this."
There was a silence; and then comprehension came over her face and an impish smile tickled her lips. Her eyes flicked back to Schelburg's face, and she squinted appraisingly at him.
"You know what, Barton, you're right. I hadn't noticed it before, but now that you mention it, he isn't bad-looking."
A faint explosion of noise erupted from her ear, and she winced. "Gosh, Clint, I'm kidding! And watch your language; if Cap was here, he'd be washing your mouth out with soap right now. Now, please, forget about the German idiot and get me out of here."
Several more minutes passed; and Elsa cracked the door open again to peer down the long hallway.
"Negative, they're still here," she said. "Which way?... Okay. It sounds risky, but if we hurry, we might be able to pull it off. Cover me, okay? What?" A few seconds passed, and she raised her eyebrows.
"You want me to do what? Oh my gosh, Clint, that is so childish. No, I won't – wha – Cl – no! Clint, we're wasting time!... Alright, fine." She huffed in annoyance. "I'll do it. But you are so immature."
She approached the bed, and Schelburg looked nervously up at her. She smiled winningly. "Hey, Schelburg. A friend of mine wants me to give you this." And then she delivered a stinging slap to his face that made his eyes water, and he saw stars.
Elsa pressed a finger to her ear. "Okay, I did it. Now get me out of here."
As she headed out the door, Elsa sighed and said, "Yes, Clint, I definitely slapped him hard enough. No, I will not go back and do it again. Honestly, Barton, you're such a…" her voice faded away as she disappeared down the hallway.
Schelburg could only lay on his back and curse his bad luck; for by that time, he had realized that he had been outwitted by the enigmatic spy known as the Black Widow.