A/N: hey! Yes a new story from me.. lol I just couldn't live with this idea in my head and not writing it.. so here it is... much drama and love to come amongst tragical incidences... Jagan, my first Jagan :) hope you will enjoy!
Summary: before Logan lost his parents he had had a dream. A dream that he couldn't put anywhere, only after the tragical accident that took his beloved mom and dad away. He had presaged the loss. He fell into a deep depression, but he healed after long months of therapy. But what happened when the dream came back? Logan assumed it meant that he was going to lose the only person in his life who was left for him. It was James, his boyfriend.
- Chapter 1 –
He sat on the edge of the bed. It was two hours after midnight, and a half hour after they passed out. But he couldn't sleep again. It was the third time that he woke up that night. Nightmares didn't let him have his well needed rest.
Logan didn't want to disturb James' dreams, too, but his boyfriend opened his eyes in the moment when he felt Logan slipping out of his hold and with that the beloved warmth of his body ceased to be against his bare chest.
James sighing watched Logan bending his face into his palms and sobbing quietly.
"It won't go away." Logan cried feeling James' arms wrapping around his naked torso. "It won't. It won't."
His boyfriend tried to calm him, he whispered him that it was going to be all right, but Logan couldn't really believe it.
It had been going that way for too long now.
"Come on, come back to bed. I'll hold you." James told him and moved up on the bed dragging Logan with himself.
They settled under the covers again. Just like before Logan had woken up, they were closely against one another, Logan's head on James' chest, James' arms keeping Logan warm and safe.
"This can't be real, James. I can't deal with the same pain once again. I don't know.. I gotta find a way to avoid it."
"There won't be any problem. These are just dreams." James told him, though he knew that Logan thought about those dreams the straight opposite way.
"You know that for me they are not. Once… once this happened already. It came true. It was terrible."
"You didn't know about it. And you couldn't have said a stop to the happenings even if you would have known that it actually was going to happen. Sleep now. We will talk in the morning. And go back to Dr. Knight. Sleep now my baby, sleep." James whispered kissing Logan's head and caressing him into another period of sleep.
He hoped Logan wouldn't wake again till the morning. He was in urgent need of a good sleep.
"Logan!" Dr. Robert Knight welcomed the upcoming Logan and James in his office.
The man swallowed and sighed stepping into that office again, now when he had already thought he wouldn't need this anymore. Sitting there for an hour 3 times a week and talking about everything. Talking wasn't his thing at all.
It wasn't that he didn't like Dr. Knight. He was most likely one of the best in his speciality. But that never ceasing feeling of being sick couldn't let him stay calm for a moment.
He hated being like this.
He hated being like this and talking about it.
He believed he wasn't completely normal for being in such trauma.
Logan, in fact, was just afraid of losing people he loved, because they meant life for him.
And he had already lost a half of it.
He just didn't want to lose something else again.
And with worrying over such things he only drawned himself into deeper depression.
That was his reason of being at the office again.
"Mr. Diamond." Dr. Knight addressed James when he was about to step into the office, too, right after Logan. "You know that I prefer being alone with the patient.
James was more than anxious than he would have let Logan be alone. "And you know that I prefer being by my boyfriend's side. Always."
"James, please." Logan rolled his eyes and lowered into the comfortable arm chair.
James looked over the doctor's shoulder and sighed, "okay. I'll be out here. I love you."
Then Logan smiled a little, and although he didn't make a sound James could read in the look on his face. It said gratefully "I love you, too."
"Well, Logan." The doctor took his seat right in front of Logan. "How have you been? What's brought you here again, and why so sudden?"
"I have similar dreams again." Logan answered shortly, looking down at his linked hands. They were sweating, and it was very frustrating.
The doctor slowly slid a box of tissues on the coffee table next to them toward him. Logan took one out and dried his hands. When he was finished Robert asked, "the ones you had before your parents' death?"
"Yes." A short reply came again.
"And you're afraid of something tragical happening again, right?"
"Yes. How could I not be?" Logan said nervously.
"I don't know, Logan. You should know that these are just dreams and most likely don't mean anything. You shouldn't link your dreams with reality."
"I thought the same before my parents died, too. I knew it. I felt it. I saw it. I saw all the things. The car." His tears broke out of his eyes. Not only because of the memory of that hard period after he had lost his parents, but because he dreamed similar now again. And it kept him upset. "The funeral. The pain. I feel the pain again. I know someone will get hurt again. When I had these dreams.. when … when I dreamed about it two years ago, soon that accident happened. I haven't dreamed like that since they are gone. Not till a month ago."
"If I remember well, you lost your parents circa 6 weeks after your first dream, right?"
"Yes." Logan said. 4 weeks had been gone now again. Which meant that two more were left. Two weeks and he was going to lose someone important. And since there was now only one important person in his life, it could be only him. James.
Thinking that through again he started to sob. A panic attack was near Dr. Knight knew it. The only one who could calm him in such situation was James. He rushed to get him.
As the door opened James' eyes were on the doctor and without being told a word, he ran to his boyfriend.
He wrapped Logan up in his arms and let him cry on his shoulder. "Logan, Logan. Shhh…" James kept trying. It took nearly 20 minutes when Logan's breathing was back at normal.
Then James still holding him moved a bit away. "Can you continue?" Robert asked.
Logan nodded, James caressed his head softly. "You don't have to. It just makes everything worse."
"No, it doesn't. I have to know how serious his statement is."
"Can you not do that without causing him such attacks?" James was now very angry. Though he was the one bringing Logan there again now he wondered why he did such thing when once it ended very badly. Logan ended up on the ER because of a panic attack, because Dr. Knight couldn't stop asking him his unsettling questions.
"Look, Mr. Diamond. This is how it works. If you don't like it then don't come to me again. I helped Logan getting over it once. I will help him once again. You've brought him here to help him before something happens. Because obviously he is in the fear of something happening again. And so you are. Otherwise you weren't here. Just let me do my job."
"I know."
Logan started to talk out of nowhere. "There is something different now though."
"What is it?" the doctor and James asked in unison. The doc gave James a dirty look.
"There is a crash. A heartbreaking noise of a crash."
"It wasn't there years ago?"
"No. I saw the car crashing into another, but then there wasn't a noise. Not such. And I feel it literally tearing me apart."
They were talking about the dream and all the feelings that weighed Logan's heart for about another half hour.
"Look, Logan. I can give you some pills to take, they might help the dreams go away, but I know that the feeling won't go. And I don't think that you are in the right state to get any sedative formulation anyways. What caused your problems after your parents' death was the fact that you thought you could have done anything if you connected the dream with reality. If you believed that what you saw was going to happen. But it is not true. We discussed it back then. You couldn't have stopped it. So please, don't do the same thing now in advance and don't get yourself into such situation because of some unreal assumptions deriving from your dreams and from what happened to your mother and father. It will make you unhappy, depressed, you will lose yourself. Rather than that, here is your boyfriend who loves you more than anything, live your life, be happy with him, let him be happy with you, and calm down. Things will be all right."
"Okay." Logan said but believed nothing from the words that the doctor said. It wasn't just casual. His parents died after he dreamed this. They were the most important thing for him beyond James. And now it's only James who was left. If he dreamed about it again, he was going to lose him, too.
He knew it.