Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island
in 7 minutes or less
Spoilers!
(duh)
This is actually a great buildup to the title with the music playing over the opening logos. I feel like starting the sin counter off at -1 today. (reversed ding)
Narrator: Millions of years ago...
Skip! (ding)
Narrator: ...fighting for their share of what food the world had to offer. (a t-rex appears) And sometimes becoming a meal themselves.
sigh (ding)
Cera: I think it should go to, say, the oldest.
Littlefoot: But that's you.
Hold on a second, wasn't Ducky the first one to hatch? She was the first one shown to hatch in the first movie. Though, she certainly doesn't seem like the oldest. Either way, it's a sin. (ding)
Littlefoot: Fair is fair. The treestar's mine. Right, Spike?
You can never make compromises on food with Spike. (ding)
Petrie: Petrie get treestar first.
I never read anywhere that pteranodons eat plants. (ding)
Grandpa: It looks like we might be in for some sky water. Oh well, it just makes things grow.
Character speaks calmly about an incoming danger, unaware of what it really is cliche. (ding)
I know that a huge swarm of locusts can devour food extremely quickly, but every little scrap in the Great Valley in just over a minute? I think not. (ding)
Cera's dad: Much as I hate to agree with a longneck, I must admit that he's right. There is nothing left to eat.
What's there to admit? It's right there all around you. (ding)
Cera: I don't want to live with a bunch of threehorns. They're too bossy.
You're one to talk. (ding)
The Gang: Together!
The adults don't hear that. (ding)
(we see a far off shot of the Great Valley residents leaving)
If you look closely, you can see Hyp, Nod, and Mutt in the herd. (ding)
(Littlefoot and Grandma stop walking for a moment)
Littlefoot: Grandma, I'm hungry.
Grandma stops walking just so Littlefoot can make that obvious announcement. (ding)
10 seconds of filler. (ding)
Grandpa: The duckbill was headed this way when it died.
The footprints of the duckbill are still there even after all the time it took for the body to become a skeleton. (ding)
Also, since when were duckbilled dinosaurs called duckbills in these movies? Haven't they always been referred to as swimmers or big mouths? I don't think ducks have evolved yet, anyway. (ding)
Grandpa: Still, I think this way would be...
Cera's dad: Listen, longneck. I, for one, am getting fed up with this "I'm taller so that makes me better than you" attitude of yours.
What. An. Asshole. (ding)
Petrie's mom: Petrie? Petrie!
Grandma: Littlefoot?
Grandpa: Littlefoot?
Is this scene really necessary? All it does is show the adults waking up to find their children gone. I think that kind of goes without saying. (ding)
Shot zooms into a yelling character's mouth as a scene transition cliche. (ding)
Cera: This is so stupid. Why do we have to walk like this?
Cera waits until now to ask. (ding)
Littlefoot: We want them to follow us, don't we? So we gotta leave the tracks.
This is a prudent plan, but does Ducky really need Petrie to give her extra weight to leave any footprints? I would've assumed that she rode on the back of Littlefoot, Cera, or Spike. (ding)
Littlefoot: Smells like...water!
I've asked throughout the series how it's possible to smell water, but this time it makes sense to smell it, because it's salt water. The problem is, how did they recognize the smell if they've never been around salt water before? (ding)
All five dive in and rise out of the water at the exact same time. (ding)
Ducky: Hey, Spike! (she hits Spike's tail resulting in a thud) Ow!
What's with the hardness of Spike's skin? He's not an ankylosaurus. (ding)
Ducky: Pay attention. You are supposed to be sad like the rest of us.
Spike can't be sad when he's looking at food. (ding)
The sun beams are directly on this island and nothing else. Does that make the food there a taste of heaven? (ding)
Oh yeah, I really believe that there could actually be a narrow pathway that connects an island to the mainland. (ding)
An earthquake happens to occur right at this very moment, so that it can take away the land path trapping them on the island. (ding)
Also, earthquake in a Land Before Time movie cliche. (ding)
ALSO, how the f*ck does a tsunami make the sky turn red? (ding)
(Petrie holds on to the end of Spike's tail as he climbs up the ledge)
Petrie forgets that he can fly. (ding)
Littlefoot: We might as well try it.
You just did try it 10 seconds ago. Don't you remember saying...
Littlefoot: Tastes sort of strange. (ding)
(Spike gobbles up the food)
Ducky: He likes it!
Petrie: Yay!
(they begin chowing down quickly)
Spike, who likes anything, likes it, so DIG IN! (ding)
(the gang's voices are heard very faintly from the mainland)
There is no way their voices could be heard even the faintest from that distance. (ding)
Littlefoot: Petrie, you could fly over and tell them where we are.
Petrie: Me? All by myself?
Littlefoot: Ducky, you could swim over.
Ducky: Oh, no, no, no. I could not do that.
I can understand Ducky being scared, but what does Petrie have to be afraid of? S*it, they both thought to swim and fly to the island before crossing. (ding)
Littlefoot: Squeeze you around your belly. (an octopus is imagined)
Ducky: Things with giant, jagged claws. (a large crab is imagined)
All: And things made out of jelly (a jellyfish is imagined)
Making some pretty good guesses, aren' t they? (ding)
(the sharp-toothed, googly-eyed fish that Ducky imagined earlier ascends above the water for a moment)
This is the part where Ducky says "Hey, I was right! Yep, yep, yep."
The log stays afloat for a moment after they drop it, but then decides to sink for another moment to fake them out before rising again. (ding)
(scene cuts to them halfway across the ocean)
Too bad they didn't just wait. Half the land path has somehow grown back. (ding)
(Petrie sits on a branch of the log, shivering)
Littlefoot: Petrie, why are you way over there?
Petrie: Me want to stay far away from big water as me can.
Then fly! (ding)
Spike's tail is blue in this shot. (ding)
The shark hitting the log might make Cera fall off, but it certainly can't send her flying off. (ding)
(a shot from the front sees Littlefoot grinning)
Uh...Littlefoot? What are you grinning about? You're being chased by a f*cking shark. (ding)
(the log hits a rock and they all fly forward onto the shore)
That wouldn't be sending them flying either. (ding)
Cera: Look there!
(we see the end of a cracked tree trunk that looks like the head of a carnivorous dinosaur, with teeth and everything)
What kind of cracked tree trunk looks like that? (ding)
Littlefoot: I remember now/like it was yesterday/she would hold me close/and then I'd hear her say (reversed ding) You know I'll never leave you/You can find me everywhere (four reversed dings) In the morning like the evening star/I'm always there
Goddammit, Littlefoot. You're making me lose my focus. (five more reversed dings)
(the gang freaks out at the sight of a sharptooth shadow)
Are you guys seriously going to focus on the shadow than the actual thing? (ding)
How could Chomper's shadow be that big on the forest? The sun rose behind a mountain, not near the ground. (ding)
Cera's mouth barely moves when she says "Move it". (ding)
(the gang runs into a wall, but they can still run right or left)
Littlefoot: We're trapped!
Ah, I see Littlefoot and his friends went to the Prometheus School of Running Away from Things. (ding)
Littlefoot: You live here?
Chomper: Yep. Me and my mommy and my daddy.
The only thing I find mysterious about this island so far is how Chomper and his parents got there. Sure, there was the land path, but was it really strong enough to bear the weight of two 7-ton tyrannosaurs? (ding)
Chomper: Don't worry. It's just my mommy.
The gang: Your mommy?
That hard to believe? (ding)
Chomper: And my daddy.
That gang: Your daddy?
Big surprise? (ding)
Chomper: I know they'll like you.
Cera: How? Rare, medium, or well done?
The dinosaurs in these movies have names for certain objects, such as calling the sun "the bright circle", but they know the names of cooking measures? The f*ck? (ding)
In the first two frames, Chomper's dad is a lighter green than he normally is. (ding)
(the giganotosaurus grab a lump of grass with its teeth and swallows it)
Did that thing really eat the grass? I know that there are such things as omnivorous dinosaurs, but that sure as hell doesn't look like the omnivorous type. (ding)
Ducky wanders the other way for no reason. (ding)
Cera: You didn't have a mid-morning snack while we weren't looking, did ya?
Cera is still a brat. (ding)
(Ducky falls from the tree and lands on Littlefoot)
Nobody wonders what Ducky was doing up there. (ding)
Chomper: I call this the Stinky Place.
Get it? Because it's stinky, and it's a place. (ding)
Cera: I can change my mind, can't I?
Is it wrong to say I just noticed that Cera's eyes are green? I know, it's hard to believe because that fits her well. (ding)
Littlefoot: (in a high voice, even for Littlefoot) He just wants to have friends for dinner
Was that Ducky's voice coming from Littlefoot's mouth? (ding)
Ducky: He would spit out Cera/cause she's too tough
Cera: Hey!
What's your problem, Cera? I'd take that as a compliment. (ding)
Littlefoot: Sure you won't have a bite?
Chomper: Well, uh...
Cera: Littlefoot! Watch out!
What? (ding)
(the giganotosaurus approaches from behind Littlefoot)
Littlefoot: That's right, you'd better be scared.
Littlefoot does not hear the heavy footsteps of that sharptooth. (ding)
Petrie: Me think you a stinker!
(the giganotosaurus leaps across the gorge)
We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you Land of the Lost. (ding)
(the gang stays put as the giganotosaurus begins to lift the rock they're hiding under)
The time to start running is when he begins lifting the rock. (ding)
(the giganotosaurus has them "trapped" on the edge of the island)
There's plenty of room to run around him. (ding)
Littlefoot steps on the edge of the cliff, but is about a foot away from it in the next shot. (ding)
The rest of the sharptooth's shadow isn't in view when his tail moves in front of the tree. (ding)
The gang doesn't take the time while the sharptooth is biting himself to escape. (ding)
(the giganotosaurus claws the snout of Chomper's dad, causing some blood to fly)
Woah! That was pretty gutsy of a kids movie. (reversed ding)
(the giganotosaurus floats away really quickly out of sight)
The water is clearly not moving that fast. (ding)
I've never heard of a plesiosaur that has a shark's dorsal fin on it's head. (ding)
(Chomper's mom smiles at Cera)
The longneck saved our son, so we can assume that the rest of you are inedible. (ding)
Littlefoot: Our families. Not that we'll ever see our families again.
Elsie: I might just be able to do something about that.
Littlefoot and Chomper hitched a ride on Elsie. The thought never occurred to anyone that she could take them back to the mainland? (ding)
Cera's dad: Cera? Cera? Cera!
Three times the charm. (ding)
Cera's head turns oranger here. (ding)
Movie Sin Tally: 63
Bonus Round:
3, 2, 1...
SCREAMS!
+1
+1
+4
+1
+4
+1
+2
+1
+1
+1
+4
+4
+1
+4
+4
+1
+1
+1
+1
+4
+3
+4
+1
+4
+1
+5
+1
Movie Sin Tally: 124
Sentence: THE STINKY PLACE (hell)