Author: Lady Vorgunby ladyvorgunby@hotmail.com
Title: On My Own
Rating: PG
Archive: If you want it.
Category: Angst, pretty much it
Spoilers: um, for TPM explicitly, and how about we just say canon to be safe.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I just thought I could borrow them. The song On My Own is from Les Miserables, and I don't own that either (oh, but if I did…).
Summary: Obi's thoughts in the later part of life.
Age: hmmm, it's post Ep. III, pre ANH
Note: I seem to be on a Les Mis inspired fix this week. This is just a fluff piece, inspired by my wallowing in soundtracks trying to cheer myself up. Some of the verses don't exactly fit, but I thought the overall theme worked out okay. Enjoy!
*~*~*
And now I am alone. My master died in my arms when I was still a Padawan. His dying words were asking me to train a boy that had caused one of our few fights in the more that ten years we were together. And I failed him. And I am alone.
I did as my Master asked. I trained the boy, Anakin. But, I failed. Anakin turned to the Dark Side. I relive the time we were together, Anakin and I. I can't figure out how I failed. What did I do wrong? I thought I followed the teachings of my Master. I trained him the way I was trained, didn't I?
I spend my free time now thinking about the past, the things that can't be changed. My Master would tell me to focus on the here and now. But there is nothing to focus on here. I am alone, on this planet, and in the universe.
The man I loved as a father died in my arms when I was 25. The boy I had come to view as my son turned from me. Never before did I understand my Master's pain at Xanatos' turning. Now I know the pain he must have carried. The pain he told me that I took away. I taught him to love again. Who will teach me to love again? There is no one left.
Even on this backwater I hear the rumors of the Empire. The Jedi are being hunted down. I only hope that some have managed to hide, as I have. My friends, my colleagues, my Masters, are they all gone? I meditate, and can't seem to find any of the familiar signatures that once existed in the Force. Am I truly alone now?
Anakin believes that I am dead, or at least not a threat to him anymore. His world exists with the Emperor now. His past means nothing. How could I have failed so?
I like to go out into the desert night, and look up into the stars, and pick out all that I have visited, both with my Apprentice, and with my Master. In those moments, I can feel my Master with me, I can hear his council and feel his love for me. And then during the day I am alone.
But not completely alone. There is a child, Anakin's son. He is living here, on this world, with my brother. I can keep an eye at him from a distance. Yoda ordered it. /Watch over him, you must. The future he is./ And so I watch. But I am still alone.
On My Own
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
And now the night is here I can make
Believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody
Else is sleeping
I think of him and I'm happy with
The company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone I walk with him till morning
Without him I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misting in the river
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone and the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets
Are full of strangers
I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have
Never known.
I love him. I love him.
I love him, but only on my own.