She couldn't believe what just happened. Stunned. Shocked. Frozen. Hurt. Hurt more than ever. He said things so beautiful she never heard from anyone before. And? And he walked off. Why? She wished she understood. Her rational brain was telling her to let him go, leave him be, he walked off for a reason. The reason maybe that he didn't love her the way she expected him to say when...Her eyes filled with tears. Move on? Really? She started to walk slowly away from the courthouse. She was still numb. He walked away. She was wondering how she could have been so wrong, how she misread him. Or did she? Why did he say those things and then still walked away? She wanted to understand. She walked all the way to his apartment. His doorman was outside the building smoking.
"Good afternoon, lieutenant" he said cheerfully and opened the door for her, flipping his cigarette butt to the curb at the same time. "Came to see Rafael?"
"Yes" she answered, trying not to sound too upset, but the doorman noticed something wasn't right. She was shaking, and quite possibly it wasn't because of the freezing February temperature. Her body was just trying to cope with the loss and the stress. Which worked in her favor, the doorman took pity on her.
"I'll sign you in, go ahead" he said softly.
"Thank you" she nodded to him as she walked towards the elevator. She was on autopilot. Stepped in, pressed 6 with a trembling hand. When the elevator door opened she hesitated a little but at the end she thought "what can I lose?"
She knocked on his door with a force.
He took a cab after he left Olivia. It was a good bye. It broke his heart and probably broke hers too, but he was convinced it was for the best. When he got home he dropped his coat on the couch and plopped down next to it. He didn't have the energy to do anything but stare into space in front of him. Then he heard a knock on his door. He stood up, his motions were only muscle memory and routine. He didn't think.
He opened the door in a few seconds. When she looked into his eyes and saw that they were red, that surprised her. He's been crying. It almost made her cry too but she managed to say what she came for to say.
"I need you to clarify something for me" she said not giving him time to even open his mouth. "Do you have to move on from me or only the job? I need to know" she asked mustering all her strength into her words. He was looking at her through his tears threatening to fall. He took a deep breath
"Liv, please, don't make this any harder than it is" he couldn't keep eye contact any longer. He looked down at her shoes. At the same time she reached out for both of his hands. The trembling of her hands grabbed his attention. He looked up at her.
"I can't lose you" she whispered. They were still standing in his doorway.
"Please" he pleaded with her "It's better for everybody if I just leave."
"It's not." She said softly. "Can we talk about it inside?" She still needed to understand his reasoning. But he just wanted to hide away, he wasn't sure he could take it if he let her into his apartment, back into his life. He tried to be strong. "Liv, please." His voice faltered again, he failed to be strong.
She gently pushed him backwards, walking past him into his apartment, still holding one of his hands. He closed the door. She turned around to look at him, the question still there in her eyes. She raised an eyebrow.
"I can't ruin your life." He answered, merely a whisper, but then he cleared his throat and continued "No, I won't ruin your life." He said, tears now flowing down his cheeks, he tried to wipe them away with one of his hand he managed to pull away from her grip.
"You are ruining it with walking out on me" she answered, her voice still low. Her voice gave away her feelings, she felt defeated. It wasn't cold inside, she was still wearing her coat, but she was still trembling.
"You surely don't want a disgraced, unemployed prosecutor who is a baby killer by the way in your life. And you definitely don't want me like this in Noah's life." He sounded broken and maybe a little annoyed. He didn't understand why she didn't understand. She didn't understand him either. She just shook her head in disbelief.
"I can't believe you think that." She said, stepping closer to him. "I don't care. I just want you in my life"
That was the last straw, he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight. He buried his face into the crook of her neck while she grabbed a fistful of his sweater on his back, holding onto him tight. She was crying now and it broke his heart one more time.
"I can't be in your life like this." He whispered into her hair. This made her tighten her arms around him as silent sobs shook her body. "I'm not in a good place now. It would ruin everything."
"Please don't leave me. I need you." She said into his neck, her voice muffled. He didn't really want to leave her, but he knew he was not what she needed right now. Not in his current state. He didn't know what to do. He knew that kissing her senseless right there and then, and hiding away from the world for the foreseeable future is not a solution, as much as he wanted to do just that. In the past he always disappeared to solve his problem on his own, but lately he found himself going to her more often. But unfortunately this was too big of a problem. He had to get this sorted on his own. She couldn't let her trying to fix him and risking to break her in the process.
"Let me go away for a little while to figure out what to do next, and come back as somebody who doesn't bring shame on you." He said while he kissed her temple. She turned her head trying to look at him, still holding on to him tight.
"I get it." She said quietly after a long pause. "I understand. I just want you to know that I'm always here for you no matter what." This earned her an another kiss on her temple.
"I know" he said with one more kiss. She pulled back a little, just to be able to look into his eyes. She released his sweater from her grip, flattened one of her palms on his back while the other came up to caress his cheek and run her fingers slightly through his hair.
"I am really sorry I pushed you. Not just now, with this. I know I did it a lot. Please, forgive me." She said, tears threatening to fall again as she was trying to put into words again that this mess was as much as her fault as anybody else's. "We wouldn't need to go through this if I..."
"Shh..." he put his index finger on her lips. "Shh..." he said again, changing the finger to his thumb, running it over her lips gently like a feather. He pulled her into his arms again. He didn't want to have this conversation. He was afraid he might still have a little bit of blame in him and he definitely didn't want her to know. He forgave her long time ago for bringing his walls down, for turning his life upside down and turning him into the person he is now. He blamed himself for not thinking straight though. He made a big mistake of not thinking about the consequences. He probably needed to forgive himself more than anyone.
She went back in his embrace willingly. In the back of her mind she thought if she held on to him tight enough he wouldn't leave. Which was silly to think, but she indulged in the feeling a little longer. She knew it would be over pretty soon.
They simply stood there in the middle of his living room, holding onto each other for minutes.
She broke contact first, leaning back just enough to be able to catch his eyes.
"I want you to come back." She said firmly but gently. He nodded in agreement. "Preferably soon" she added with a weak smile. She gathered all her courage and leaned towards him, then gently kissed the corner of his mouth, her lips not covering his fully but enough to express her feelings. He was too shocked to actually reciprocate the kiss, instead he stroked her hair, rested his forehead against hers. "I promise" His hand came back from her hair down to her neck, his thumb caressing her jawline.
This time he kissed her, gently, just her lips first then deepened a little when she parted her lips for him. It was short but full of promise.
"Check back in with us regularly, please." He nodded in answer. She put both his palms on his chest, giving them a little distance. She knew she would need to let him go at one point, and she was preparing herself for the pain of it, inch by inch. "A text, a photo, anything. Just so I know you are ok" she got an another nod in return. She stepped back a little, arm length. She moved her hands to his shoulders, squeezing slightly. Parting was painful, but she had to do it. She ran her hands down his upper arm, then slowed down and took both of his hands in hers. She wasn't trembling any more.
"I love you. Please don't forget that" she said with a squeeze of his hands, then she let go. Still looking in his eyes, she stepped towards the door. He followed. She turned her back towards him as she opened the door. She stepped out, turning towards him one more time.
"I love you too" he said. Her answer was only "See you soon!" as she walked away.
He kept looking at her till he lost sight of her at the elevator. She walked slowly. Her back hunched a little. She didn't look at him when she turned the corner of the corridor. He closed the door with a slightly different turmoil inside him.