Disclaimer: All Characters and Settings recognizable within this story are the property of J.K Rowling

The Night Vigil

Chapter one: St. Mungo's Hospital

It is not supposed to work like this.

I am not supposed to be here. I know that you will wake eventually and that you will be fine. The others, even your own family, left when they heard this news.

There was no need to stay, it was much more important to go home. To sleep while they... while all of us, still have the luxury of sleeping soundly.

I told them this. I told them all to leave, to go home, and to rest. We could come and see you in the morning, when the healers had projected that you would wake.

Once they were gone, I told myself something entirely different: Just five more minutes.

I simply wanted to make certain you were not interrupted. You were, after all, entitled to a safe, completely sound sleep the same as the rest of them.

That, at least, is what I told myself.

A lie I fabricated months ago, when I began keeping watch over you, the nights you slept on the couch at Grimmuald place. Somehow I couldn't will myself to sleep when I knew you were there. When you were so close to me, mere steps from my bedroom door.

My mind softly, yet insistently, told me to let you be. Every night it forced me to see that you were indeed safer without me.

That you would sleep...that you would live more soundly without me keeping watch. My logic told me; quite rightly, that I would only wake you from what otherwise would have been a blissful, peaceful, dream filled rest. That my presence would only harm you.

I knew that was logical, I knew my mind was right.

But that did not stop the fact that when I heard you asleep in the next room, my body would find its way out of my bed. While my mind still protested fervently my feet would stubbornly make their way to a wooden chair by the old couch. There, my mind would finally concede defeat and allow me to hold my silent vigil until dawn.

I knew, even then, that it was not right.

I told myself that it would only be for a few moments then, too. Just to make sure no death eater, or dementor, or dark haired, sleep deprived, fugitive came bursting into the room to disturb your slumber.

Even after I took to sleeping in that old wooden chair, the nights that you slept on my couch, I told myself that I would stop eventually. That this fierce desire for your protection would burn it's self out.

Surely it would. If these strange feelings that burned in my soul every time I looked at you, every time I watched over you as you slept, went unspoken… they could not possibly sustain themselves, let alone grow.

They could do nothing but die.

And then I could go back to what it should have been.

I could go back to...loving you yes, but as a friend, A little sister, or perhaps a niece.

After a while, I told myself, I would love you as Sirius had.

Yes, soon I would forget all the night vigils I had kept with much more consistency than was entirely healthy or fair. I would forget the true reason I spent nights by your side as you slept.

I would set aside all the images engraved horribly in my mind of your soft pink lips and the gentle curves of your body, which had begun to invade my dreams.

After a while, I would take all my hateful fantasies, of your light, youthful voice, whispering my name, and toss them away as merely deluded dreams of a lonely old werewolf

It wasn't supposed to work like this.

I wasn't supposed to let those all too complicated, jumbled, nightly desires to seep into the daylight.

I was not supposed to yearn for your presence so much so that I went out of my way to be near you. I was not supposed to revel in the light playful fire that burned in your eyes every time I used your true name.

I had not meant for any of my strange, utterly selfish, ridiculous desires to show themselves to you at all. Looking back, I realize that I never took enough notice of the small things, which gave me away.

The way I held your gaze a fraction of a second too long in otherwise casual encounters. Or, the way I took a little too much pleasure in catching you before you fell against that 'bloody troll foot umbrella stand'.

These were luxuries, which I would not have dared allow myself in the early days. The beginnings of this...infatuation would you call it? Yes infatuation. Merely a fascination, which will pass with time. Which must pass.

That is all I can think while I'm standing here at your bedside long after the others have left. While I'm starring down at your small form as it twists only slightly on the sterile white bed, beneath my gaze.

Sirius is gone.

I am all that is left to protect you. So I must. Even from myself.

I see it now, as clearly as ever. This infatuation...these nightly vigils must end.

If they will not end on their own, I will have to force it out. As of yet I'm not sure how to do this. I'm not certain if it is even possible. But I must try. If only for your sake my little Nymph...no, not mine...never mine. You will never belong to me. You must never belong to me. I must remind myself of this constantly. Every hour of every day if necessary until I am able to drill it into the more stubborn corners of my mind.

I must repeat the mantra that has been in the back of my mind since my ridiculously rebellious hormones began to lay claim to you. You are not mine...

'Wotcher Remus'

'Tonks! They said you wouldn't be awake until morning.'

'Where am I?'

'St. Mungos. You took quite a nasty fall.'

'Belatrix?'

I nod as you yawn, bringing your small pale fingers to your mouth.

'They've said you'll be all right. The healer knows more than I do. Would you like me to get her for you?'

You yawn once more as your eyes begin to droop.

'No, that's all right. What about the others? 'S Harry OK?'

It sounds like such a simple question coming from you. It takes me off guard and I'm not quite certain how to answer. If you only knew...

'Harry's fine. They...well...we'll discuss it in the morning. Everyone else will be here then.'

We can tell you in the morning. Now is not the time for such a horrifying revelation. Not when you look so peaceful using the heel of your hand to rub your eyes. Suddenly I wonder if, after tonight, you will ever look so peaceful again.

'Will you still be here?'

Another question which paints the very picture of innocence. If you only knew...

'Yes, I'll be here.'

'That's all right then'

Smiling lightly, you begin to turn to your side again.

I feel compelled to say it even though I know you will correct me, even though I know it is far too bold for such an old man, even though this is hardly the time or place, I can not help the words that slip seamlessly from my lips:

'Good night, Nymphadora'

'You know Remus?'

I brace myself to smile too affectionately while you chide me

'It's funny how when you say it, I don't mind quite so much.'

And with this you close your eyes, blissfully unaware that your sweet confession has condemned me never to use that name again.