a/n; So for those of you who don't know, I have been in the process of deleting my old account, and thus as I had promised am now busy reuploading the one-shots that I had on there, of which this is one of them. Just to reiterate the setting of this AU fic; Alfred Jones is a rich kid who, being fed up with his overbearing parents, has decided to go on a little road trip across America (and parts of Canada) on a beat-up motorbike. Things do not go right for him. Things never go right for him. And in Nevada, things go so strangely that he decides to write a very lengthy and sarcastic list of his experiences, which is thus. Also, he's underage (sixteen), in a relationship with a certain British male (in my mind - you can pretend it's someone else if you like), and at some point in his journey his parents have cut off all funding to him (I forget at which point), all of which I tell you because they are mentioned in said list. Anyways, as I said before when I originally posted this, I may or may not someday write an actual fanfiction about the backstory of this list, though in all actuality this will probably never happen...unless, of course, someone decides to take up the challenge themselves. *nudge nudge wink wink* Just link it back to me if you do, okay? Anyways...on with the (non)story.
(P.S.; I apologize for the swearing. It can be excessive.)
{~~[This is a border. ._.]~~}
Things I Learned While In Nevada
By Alfred F. Jones
-It is hot as fucking hell.
-Which is understandable, since it's nothing but desert.
-I really hate the desert.
-Mainly because I really hate sand.
-Sand is the most annoying substance on the planet.
-It is impossible to get off, even after taking three showers.
-The showers in Nevada hotels suck.
-The hotels themselves also suck.
-It is not a good idea to be riding a motorcycle on a desert highway on a windy day. The sand will fucking flay the skin off of you, even if your skin isn't exposed.
-NEVER venture out into the desert without wearing something to protect your eyes.
-This is especially true if you happen to be riding a motorcycle.
-Sunglasses are not adequate protection against sand if you are riding a motorcycle.
-The hospitals in Nevada are always too busy to deal with your problems.
-This is especially true around the Las Vegas area.
-It probably has something to do with all the rampant crime. Who shanks someone just for a quarter to put in the vending machines, anyway?
-The doctors in Nevada are not afraid to blatantly show their exasperation at the fact that your problem is just sand.
-Nevada hospitals apparently have a problem with taking insurance.
-Or credit cards, for that matter.
-They seem very used to people paying in cash.
-Again, this is probably because I'm in the Las Vegas area.
-A bike rack is not a proper place to park a motorcycle, even though the hospital parking lot is full and it might get stolen if parked anywhere else.
-A credit card is not a valid form for paying a ticket.
-Neither is a check.
-The police also seem very used to people paying in cash.
-Riding a motorcycle while wearing a patch on one eye is not a good idea.
-Neither is attempting to convince the bus driver to let you put your motorcycle on the bike rack.
-Trying to walk said motorcycle ten miles across the desert to the next town in the middle of summer was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever made.
-The desert may be hot as fuck during the daytime, but at night it's so cold you could freeze your balls off.
-Camping out in the middle of the desert is not a fun experience.
-Neither is having a staring contest with a rattlesnake, though it becomes oddly relaxing after a while.
-Rattlesnakes can apparently be bribed with grilled chicken tenders to leave you alone.
-It is entirely possible to catch a cold while staying in the desert in the middle of summer.
-Walking a motorcycle across the desert in the middle of summer while sick was quite possibly the worst experience of my life.
-Though making it to the next town and learning that I was flat broke and having to sleep on the streets does provide a viable contender for that spot.
-The town of Paradise is only paradise if you are not having to sleep in one of its back alleys. Then it's a fucking hellhole.
-An old, ratty duster you find in the garbage does not make for a very good blanket.
-It does, however, make for a good disguise.
-All you need to look like a homeless person is a ratty duster, a patch on one eye, a bad cold, and messy hair from sleeping on the streets.
-The people in Paradise apparently have a compulsive habit of giving lots of money and food to homeless people.
-It's not extortion if all you ever do is vaguely hold up your hand while sitting on a street corner.
-Unless, of course, the cops find you and happen to notice you're a little young to be a homeless person.
-Fake I.D.'s come in handy when you're underage and on the run.
-So do good lying skills, but I have none of those.
-The cops in Paradise will apparently buy any bullshit story you give them if you have a fake I.D. and a little bit of spare cash.
-The people who find your motorcycle that was left in the back alley are not so forgiving.
-They become much more forgiving when they see that you have cash, along with a fancy wristwatch worth much more than a battered motorcycle.
-Money seems to be some sort of magical key to getting what you want in Nevada.
-It is also very hard to come by if you don't appear fit enough to work.
-Colds are the bane of my existence.
-As is hunger.
-The people who work at the fast food place do not like it when a homeless-looking person walks in and orders nothing but water, which is free.
-They also do not like it when you spill said water on the waitress.
-The people who work at the fast food place in Paradise need to learn to handle situations better, or at least not throw out customers because of a mistake.
-Throwing away the duster you were still wearing and combing your hair down works wonders for your image.
-It also gets you back into the fast food place you were thrown out of before.
-The people at the fast food place apparently don't care if you have a cold, as long as you wear a hospital mask while you work.
-I will never eat at said fast food place, and am now glad that I didn't drink the water they gave me.
-The fast food place down the street has much better food, as far as I know.
-It takes a week of salary to afford to go to Las Vegas.
-This is a lot less money than it sounds, considering that Las Vegas is only a few minutes away by motor vehicle.
-Las Vegas is a very daunting place when you first arrive.
-The crazy, raving people coming out of the casinos and bars don't help with this first impression.
-It was also apparently made out of neon and stacks of money.
-I make this assumption based on the fact that every single building has some sort of neon sign on it and is a building for profit.
-The fake I.D. that says you're 19 is apparently enough to buy alcohol with.
-Cash helps too, of course.
-The fake I.D., however, is not enough to get you into a casino.
-Until you show them your credit cards, that is.
-Gambling is a very addictive pass-time.
-So is poker.
-Winning 23 games of poker in a row is a bit of a tip-off that you're cheating.
-The people who run the casino do not take very kindly to people cheating.
-Especially when they can't prove that you're cheating.
-Instead of arresting you at this point, they have to give you your winnings and kick you out of the casino.
-Money won from a casino goes very quickly in a town like Las Vegas.
-That is probably the reason why casinos do so well here.
-Along with all the other shady businesses that line the streets.
-The neon arrow that points to the staircase that leads down into the shady building with the tinted windows is not an arrow at all; it is only cleverly disguised as one.
-Strip joints officially have no shame if located in Las Vegas.
-Neither do the strippers.
-Nor their less-legal-in-other-places-but-more-legal-in-Las Vegas cousins, the hookers.
-Las Vegas hookers are very pushy, even after you've explained that you bat for the other team.
-They also don't seem to care if you're gay or not, they will make you like women, and they will get paid for their services.
-Las Vegas hookers do not like to take 'no' for an answer.
-Even when the cops show up.
-Hitting on a cop is not a very good idea.
-Neither is trying to bribe them with cash made from illegal services.
-It is very easy to slip away from such a situation when the cops are too busy trying to keep the hookers under control to notice you leaving.
-It is very hard to find a hotel in Las Vegas that doesn't cost thousands of dollars a night.
-Even the cheapest hotel in Las Vegas has insane rates.
-Any hotel that doesn't have insane rates is more likely a crack house posing as a hotel than an actual hotel.
-Trying to fall asleep at a hotel in Las Vegas is a futile effort when you're too worried about getting robbed or murdered in your sleep.
-Not to mention all the neon blaring through the windows.
-And the noise of all the late-night party goers.
-Lack of sleep tends to make a cold worse.
-As does a lack of blankets in the night, since the hotel is too cheap to afford them.
-A week is long enough to take the patch off an injured eye, but not long enough for the redness to go away completely.
-There is no such thing as 'customer service' in the affordable Las Vegas hotels.
-There is also no such thing as privacy, considering the hidden video camera I later saw stationed over the bed.
-Staying more than a few days in Las Vegas is like asking for a death sentence. It's better to leave while you still have all your belongings and a little cash left to your name.
-Las Vegas was one of the weirdest cities I will ever encounter.
-The goggles I bought there were one of the best investments I could have made before returning to the desert.
-Further proof that the desert is a horrible place; the only radio station you can get good reception on is the local news channel.
-Apparently even a desert highway has speed limits, as demonstrated by the cop that pulled me over for speeding.
-A simple ticket could never suffice for the crime of speeding while out in the middle of the desert with hardly anybody else around.
-Though it probably would've if I hadn't mouthed off to the police officer.
-This does not keep from the fact that the police officers in Nevada are TOTAL ASSHOLES.
-Having to ride in the bitch seat of the cop's motorcycle while wearing handcuffs on the way to the nearest jail was quite possibly the most awkward thing I'd ever had to do.
-Things were not made any better when I mentioned in passing to said cop that I was gay.
-Reassuring the cop that he was way too old for me was probably not the best idea, either.
-By the time we arrived at the police station, I had made an eternal enemy. Oh joy.
-No check, credit card, fake I.D., or any amount of cash is enough to spring you if you're eternal enemy happens to be the head policeman.
-Spending a night in jail instead of having to pay a ticket would have been just fine, if not for that particular jail being the most God-awful place I'd ever been.
-Jail cells are not the most comfortable places to sleep in.
-Nor are they the most comfortable places period.
-Making eye contact or attempting to speak to the other prisoners is not a very good idea.
-Especially when the prisoner you are attempting to communicate with is named 'Killer'…and shares your cell.
-People named 'Killer' do not like it when people talk to them.
-Especially if said people talk excessively.
-Talking too much can sometimes get you punched out.
-I became grateful for this when I heard of what else it could've gotten me but didn't.
-Ice works wonders for a punch to the face.
-Though putting some of the ice in your mouth afterwards to try and cool the swelling on the inside does not.
-Before putting ice inside your mouth after being punched, you would do well to check for any missing teeth.
-Putting ice on a spot recently deprived of a tooth is like taking a knife and driving it through your gum line.
-Making unmanly yelps after putting ice inside your mouth is about the most embarrassing thing you could do in front of a guy named 'Killer.'
-Trying to sleep four feet away from said guy is like trying to sleep next to a grenade that you're not sure has the pin in or not.
-Things can never be as simple as they first appear, especially if they involve getting out of jail.
-Having a fake I.D. that checks out with your own background and appearance would probably help more in such a situation.
-Having a real I.D. that checks out does not always help, either.
-Cops do not like it when you tell them that you are younger than you first admitted and are in the middle of running away from home.
-They also do not like it when you point out that they put a minor in jail and let him share a cell with a violent criminal.
-They especially don't like it when you point out that running away from home is not a crime if you are planning on returning at the end of the summer.
-And your eternal enemy in particular does not like it when you point out that they no longer have any way of holding you there.
-The feeling of freedom upon leaving a jail house is very nice indeed.
-As is the feeling of crossing the border from Nevada into California.
-Nevada was one of the strangest states I've ever been to.
-It was not as strange as California turned out to be.
-Even so, I will choke myself before I ever go back.
{~~[Fin]~~}
End note; Just to be clear, I mean absolutely no offense to anyone living in Nevada, or California, for that matter. I'm sure your states are awesome, even if I have no actual experience with them (never been there, never heard much about 'em, never read up on 'em...hell, how'd I even write this with so little knowledge? O_o). So yeah...if there's any part that offended you, I'm sorry, and if there were any inconsistencies that you found, well...just ignore those for the sake of the comedy. I hope this was at least mildly entertaining for you all, and if you could, please leave a review. Who knows - if I get enough of them, I might just make a sequel out of California (my apologies in advance).