Recipe for Disaster

It was rare to find all 10 members of SEES in the dorm at the same time. Junpei was always at the hospital visiting Chidori until she kicked him out. When Akihiko wasn't training (which was nearly every day), he and Shinjiro could be found arguing over beef bowls at Hagakure. Mitsuru lived at school, Yukari lived at Paulownia Mall, and Makoto had his hands full dealing with Elizabeth's sudden urge to see "his world". Guess persona fusing would have to wait until later.

As he arrived at the dorm later that evening, still chuckling to himself at the image of Elizabeth sprinting up the down escalator, Makoto found himself being yanked to the floor. Junpei, Akihiko, and Shinjiro were all hiding behind the couch. Well, two of them were – Shinjiro looked as if he was already tired of the situation and had a magazine over his face, attempting to take a nap.

"You got back just in time, dude!" Junpei whispered. That's right – Junpei had been grinning like an idiot at school today about something he'd overheard. Makoto was about to tell him he needed to be a badass when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Oh, it's just Ai-chan." Junpei sighed as the others collapsed onto the furniture.

Makoto scrutinized him with his one visible eye. "Junpei, are you sure you heard correctly?"

"I was sitting right behind Yuka-tan while she was gabbing away on her phone. Fuuka-chan's going to cook us some food! FREE FOOD!"

"It's just that Fuuka's cooking...well, her cooking's kind of...uh..."

"Yamagishi's cooking will kill you." Shinjiro finished. Makoto could imagine his grimace underneath the magazine – which coincidentally enough, depicted food.

"Jeez, Shinji!" Akihiko admonished him. "You'd think a master chef like you'd know how to sugarcoat something."

"Ikutsuki would like that one." Makoto muttered, but it went unnoticed.

The magazine fell to the floor. "What was that, Aki?"

"I'm just saying, if you think you can do better, why don't you?"

"I ain't cooking for your ungrateful ass! You'd just ruin it with that protein shit." Shinjiro waved the magazine in Akihiko's face. "When's the last time you had an actual vegetable?"

Akihiko swiped the magazine and crushed it in his hand. "How'd you like to be a vegetable?"

Makoto shook his head. These are our senpai. he thought. Out loud, he wondered, "So, why are we hiding?"

Junpei sighed. "That's what Fuuka-chan was calling Yuka-tan about! It's supposed to be a surprise. We're not supposed to know, so I don't want them to know that we already know. You know?"

"No."

"Tch." Shinjiro picked up the magazine again and threatened to hit Makoto with it. "Cut it out, Yuki. He's been going on about this for hours and if you make him start it up again, I'll make sure the both of you eat nothing but Yamagishi's cooking for the rest of the year!"

"I still think we're sitting here for nothing. Fuuka came in over an hour ago." Akihiko started to explain, "She went upstairs to get Yukari, they argued for a bit, and then they both went back upstairs. That was 15 minutes ago."

"So they went to get Mitsuru." Shinjiro suggested.

The others burst into laughter. "To get Mitsuru?" Akihiko barely managed to get out. "Look, I know you've been gone for a while, Shinji, but...Mitsuru? Cooking?" He fell back onto the couch holding his sides as his laughter died down.

"How long do you think it would take them to thaw out?" asked Makoto.

"Fuuka-chan's smaller...maybe 20 minutes?" Junpei offered. Just then, they heard a door open and close and more footsteps from upstairs. "They're coming! Quick, we gotta hide!"

"Wasn't that what we were just-" Makoto began, but before he could finish, Junpei had tugged him in the direction of the boys' bathroom.

"This is bullshit." Shinjiro muttered, but he grabbed Akihiko by the scruff of the neck anyway and started dragging him.

"Aigis!" Akihiko managed as he struggled against his friend. "We aren't here, and you haven't seen us all day...okay?"

"Understood." replied Aigis as the door slammed shut.

Status report: Iwatodai dorm secure.

The time is approximately 17:00 hours.

SEES members present: Aragaki Shinjiro, Iori Junpei, Sanada Akihiko, Yuki Makoto in male restroom, arguing.

Kirijo Mitsuru, Takeba Yukari, Yamagishi Fuuka in third floor sleeping chambers, arguing.

As a robot, Aigis saw no need to consume foodstuffs. She was aware that the others did, however, and they usually did so in the dorm's kitchen and dining area. Shinjiro often prepared food for Koromaru to eat as well. So when Aigis saw Fuuka enter the kitchen wearing an apron and a pensive look, she decided to observe.

"Ohh!" Fuuka appeared to be in distress. "Why do I get myself into these situations?" Fortunately, she hadn't noticed the door to the boys' bathroom slowly creak open and four heads peek out.

"Oh, Fuuka, don't worry! It'll be fine." Yukari soon joined her. "They're boys – they'll eat anything!" As she rolled her eyes at the thought of male eating habits, she noticed Aigis standing by the television. "Hey, Aigis, have any of the boys come home yet?"

"The boys are not here, and I have not seen them all day." Aigis proudly announced. (Meanwhile, the boys were tiptoeing out of the bathroom single file, hugging the wall.)

"Okayyyy...What do you think, Mitsuru-senpai?"

Akihiko stopped dead – Shinjiro nearly colliding with him and staring daggers into the back of his head – as Mitsuru was indeed coming down the stairs at that very moment.

"What'd I tell ya?" Shinjiro whispered as Akihiko now parried those daggers right back at him.

Mitsuru, for her part, looked uncharacteristically nervous as she hovered on the edge of the kitchen's boundaries. "Are you sure I couldn't just order something? We could just throw away the containers. I promise I will pay for anything you'd like, and the boys don't even have to know."

"Are you encouraging us to lie, Senpai?" Yukari had an odd smile on her face.

"Of course not! I was...merely suggesting we conserve time and resources and stay mindful of our own limitations." As Mitsuru continued lecturing, she got back a little more of her confidence. "Pragmatism is a mark of adulthood, Takeba, and you seem to be sorely lacking it." Nose back in the air, she flounced over to the table and draped herself over a chair with a self-righteous smirk.

Yukari only flinched slightly, growing accustomed to the brush-off. "Well, where I come from, adults can take care of themselves! Come on, Fuuka!" she snapped, dragging the unfortunate younger girl behind her. "What do you want to cook?"

"U-um," began Fuuka, "I've been working on i-improving my rice balls. You can actually taste the rice now. Oh! What about croquettes? They look like they'd be easy to make." She held up a recipe that probably had no idea it would become an instrument of destruction.

"We're all gonna die." said Makoto.

"Told ya that, too." added Shinjiro.

Junpei laughed nervously. "Oh, c'mon, it can't be all that bad. I mean, there's three of 'em right?"

"Tch. Yeah, one who can't cook to save her life, and one who's never touched a pan her entire life!" If Shinjiro's eyes rolled any farther back into his head, they'd get stuck that way. "I don't know anything about Takeba, but if she misses with a spatula as often as she misses with that bow of hers..."

"And you act like Mitsuru looks down on everyone." Akihiko was quick to point out.

"Hey, what's everyone doing?" a voice called out from behind them.

"Aah!"

"Gah!"

"Shit!"

With the majority of them attending or avoiding the same school, it was too easy to forget that Ken came home at a different time then they did. He stood at the end of the line with a curious expression, but shrunk back when Shinjiro glanced back at him. Koromaru sat next to Ken, head cocked to one side.

"Ah, jeez, Ken!" Junpei was the first to recover. "You shouldn't go sneaking around like that!"

"I was just wondering why you're all avoiding the kitchen. I'd assume you'd want something to eat after a long day at school." As usual, Ken expressed himself much smoother than the average 11-yr-old.

"There's nothing to eat in the kitchen with those three in it." Shinjiro told him. Meanwhile, Koromaru had happily trotted into the kitchen when he realized someone was in it. Whatever he got wind of, however, sent him slinking back out with his tail between his legs. "That bad, huh, boy?" Koromaru just whined.

Things were beginning to heat up in the kitchen. "So I cook the potatoes, and then add the onion...oh, I forgot to get an onion." Fuuka was saying. "Maybe some cabbage would be okay?"

Yukari just shrugged. "I don't think anyone will really notice once you add the beef and potatoes."

"...Oh."

"Oh?"

"I-I forgot about the beef. Maybe I could use some of the salmon I was going to add to the rice balls?"

Mitsuru had been looking over her shoulder, positive she'd heard a noise when this bit of information wafted over to her along with the smell of burning rice. "Why on earth did you choose a recipe you have no ingredients for?" she asked. "Are you sure you know what you're doing, Yamagishi? I can't imagine rice would take this long to prepare."

"THE RICE!" both second-years shrieked. Yukari quickly turned off the stove while Fuuka tried to assess the damage.

"It only stuck a little on the bottom. We can still use half of it!" Fuuka tried to be optimistic.

"Now do you want me to call someone?" asked Mitsuru.

"No. Here." Yukari had something behind her back and when she revealed it, Mitsuru actually threw up her arms in defense.

It was a potato masher.

"We're never gonna get this done unless we all pitch in." said Yukari as she shoved the masher into Mitsuru's hand and gave her a bowl "I'm sure even you can mash potatoes." Mitsuru just held the masher away from her as if it were poisonous, so Yukari continued. "Crush them into submission like they're shadows...or Akihiko-senpai." she muttered just loud enough for Mitsuru to hear. The THUMP! that followed threatened to break the table.

The boys were quietly sniggering. "Oh, this was worth coming back for!" Shinjiro snorted.

"She gave Senpai a weapon and turned her back on her." Makoto pointed out.

"Baaad move, Yuka-tan." agreed Junpei.

Akihiko had done a 180 regarding the situation. "Okay, if somebody can get me a picture of Mitsuru in an apron...I will give you all the money I have!"

"Ooh, I didn't know you were into maids, too, Akihiko-senpai." said Junpei with a smirk.

Shinjiro knew better. "Just the one."

"What? No! This is insurance!" Akihiko blurted out. In spite of the blush forming on his cheeks, he continued. "If I have physical proof of Mitsuru being domestic, I won't have to worry about you idiots getting me in trouble!" He grinned. "I just might be able to avoid being executed for the rest of the year!"

"You want a picture of Mitsuru in an apron...for blackmail?"

"Yeah." Akihiko looked confused. "What else would I use it for?"

The others just looked at him.

THUMP!

Every time Mitsuru imagined Yukari at the other end of her masher, Fuuka jumped and nearly dropped something. The boys were able to time their movements with every THUMP!, and had finally made it to Aigis.

"Okay, Fuuka, where's the seaweed?" Yukari had been vainly trying to shape Fuuka's doughy rice while Fuuka hopefully cooked some cabbage. As she lifted her hand, however, the ball she'd been shaping came up with it. One good shake sent it flying towards the table, fortunately missing Mitsuru, who'd nearly made paste out of her potatoes. The incredulous look on her face made Yukari wish she'd had a picture as well.

"U-um...I thought I'd add it to the cabbage and maybe no one would know that I'd forgotten the onion?" Even Fuuka doubted her own actions.

"Yes, because seaweed and onions are virtually indistinguishable from one another." Mitsuru rolled her eyes even farther back than Shinjiro. "Didn't you know that, TAKEBA?" THUMP!

"I-I think those are done, Mitsuru-senpai." Fuuka said timidly as she inched over to the bowl of potatoes. She opted not to try taking the masher, though.

"You know, it's nearly 6 o'clock." Mitsuru turned to the stove's clock. "I don't see how all 5 boys could be still out at this hour. Amada at least should have returned to tend to Koromaru."

"The boys are not here," Aigis repeated, "and I have not seen them all day."

"Yeah, that's even more suspicious than the first time you said it." said Yukari.

The boys in question had resumed their quiet crawl towards the kitchen when Ken suddenly piped up. "Oh! I know what he can do with it!"

Eight eyes bulged out of their respective heads. When Shinjiro managed to pick up his jaw, he looked back at the tween quizzically. "Ken?"

"The picture of Mitsuru-san that Sanada-senpai wants." Ken continued to explain as if he hadn't just scared the hell out of everyone. "He can stick it on his punching bag! That way, he can punch Mitsuru-san without actually punching her!"

"YEP!" Junpei quickly said before anyone could interject. "Yep, that's exactly what we were talking about! Good going, Ken, you figured it out! What other answer could there be, ha ha ha!" He took off his hat so he could wipe his suddenly soaking wet brow. "We are the only normal people here, dude!" he whispered to Makoto.

They had nearly reached the kitchen. Fuuka stood by the stove with a bubbling mass of cabbage, seaweed, potatoes, and salmon that looked like it was about to grow a mask and call itself Culinary Maya. The smell alone permeated every set of nostrils in the building and had their eyes watering.

"We left her in Tartarus too long." Makoto quipped. "That's the only explanation."

"She even killed the plants!" Junpei shook his head, gesturing to a potted plant that had wilted in fear.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure the plants in the dorm are fake." said Akihiko. "Mitsuru mentioned it once."

This was too much for Shinjiro to take. "How shitty of a chef do you have to be to kill a plastic plant?!"

"Okay, now we roll the mixture in flour, eggs, breadcrumbs, and then fry them." Fuuka said as she started looking through the cupboards. "Um..."

"Don't tell me,"said Yukari, "let me guess: no breadcrumbs."

"Quelle surprise." Mitsuru quipped.

"Oh! Wait! I think I've found them." Fuuka triumphantly held up a container.

The girls couldn't see the label, but they weren't very confident. "It's oatmeal." guessed Yukari.

Mitsuru went with, "It's protein powder."

Fuuka had finally found the label. "Never mind, it's more rice."

Yukari shrugged. "Gee, we both lost."

"Yamagishi's cooking." Mitsuru shook her head. "Humanity has lost."

Undaunted, Fuuka had another idea. "Let's use the rice!" She happily dug into the lump of rice Yukari had given up on...and then realized her hands were stuck. Mitsuru and Yukari just looked at one another, and then simultaneously headed into the kitchen to search for anything even remotely resembling breadcrumbs.

Finally, everything was (more or less) assembled. Fuuka found the oil on her second try, and sushi mats helped cobble the concoction into snowball-sized lumps. The oil was hot. The boys had made it to the kitchen.

"Wait a sec, Fuuka!" Yukari suddenly realized as she read the recipe. "You were supposed to mold the croquettes and then put them in the fridge for an hour."

"There's no time, though. I'm sure the boys will be back any minute, and I wanted this to be a surprise."

Hearing the prompt, Aigis launched into her spiel. "The boys are not here, and I have-"

"AIGIS!" Mitsuru quickly cut her off.

The girls gathered around the pan as if they were staring into the abyss, fingers crossed, breath held. "Okay, here goes!" said Fuuka as she dropped each crooked croquette into the oil. They quickly sunk. "Aw..."

"If we survive this night, I suggest we never speak of this again." Mitsuru said solemnly.

Yukari sighed. "I hate to admit it, but she's right, Fuuka. This was pretty much doomed from the start. We're just lucky the boys never did show up."

Fuuka was finally forced to realize the futility of the situation as she sat down at the table. "I-I just...wanted to do something nice for everyone since you were all so welcoming." she cried as she hid her face in her arms. "What else could go wrong?"

The answer to that question was a loud popping noise. The ill-formed croquettes began breaking apart in the hot oil, splashing it onto the burner. Flames licked the side of the pan and the girls were forced to retreat as the oil started attacking, leaving boiling hot splotches on anything it touched. Mitsuru shrieked as one flaming glob of croquette launched itself at her.

Smoke and screaming had Akihiko on his feet before he had even processed what was happening. He grabbed Mitsuru by the waist and yanked her out of the line of fire. "You okay?"

She was frazzled, and grease spots covered her skirt, but Mitsuru still retained enough of her wits to realize something. "Wh-where did you come from?"

"Oh, goddammit, Aki!"

The rest of the boys had to reveal themselves then, with Shinjiro loudly voicing his disapproval as he pulled out a fire extinguisher and killed the croquette monster.

"Yeah, how did you get here so fast?" said Yukari. "Were you spying on us?"

Junpei quickly backed away from her, throwing up his hands. "No, no, we weren't spying! We were just watching you without you knowing about it!"

"Which is pretty much spying." Makoto shook his head.

"But Aigis said that she didn't see anyone." Fuuka pointed out.

"Multiple times." Mitsuru added. She turned to Akihiko who, amazingly, still had his arms around her waist. Junpei snickered when he realized it, although he was ignored. "Almost as if she had been instructed to do so." Akihiko quickly let go and flinched.

Fuuka got up from the table, but she was still looking downward. "I'm sorry, everyone." she said. "I was really hoping to surprise you all."

"We were definitely surprised!" Ken replied.

"Guess nobody's getting any food tonight." sighed Junpei.

Mitsuru and Yukari both had the same idea and turned to one another, eyebrows raised. They both turned to Fuuka, and when she finally faced them, she perked up.

"Well, Junpei, if you still really want someone to cook..."

"I'm getting hungry." said Fuuka as she, Mitsuru, and Yukari sat at the table.

"When's our food gonna be ready?" Yukari called out.

"I'm workin' on it, alright? Hold your horses!" Shinjiro hollered back. He was running back and forth in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. Behind him, Makoto was cutting up vegetables, pausing every now and then to brush the hair out of his eyes.

Yukari leaned back in her chair. "This service is awful. We should complain to the owner – hey, Mitsuru-senpai!"

"It's simply impossible to get good help these days." Mitsuru smirked. "Oh, excuse me, waiter?"

Akihiko shuffled out of the kitchen, grumbling. The girls doubled over with laughter as he cut quite a handsome figure in his apron. "Yes, Milady?" he mumbled.

"I've changed my mind, I believe I'd like to order something else." Mitsuru's eyes were dancing as she took in the sight. "That won't be a problem, will it?"

Akihiko sighed. "No problem at all...ma'am." He turned to leave, but Mitsuru got his attention once again.

"And one more thing."

"What?"

A sudden flash blinded him. He'd failed to see Mitsuru pulling out her phone. "Oh, this is just too adorable for words." she chuckled. "Now, I'm sure you remember that we have exams coming up soon. You will be studying for them...won't you, Akihiko?"

"Can't you just execute me instead?" wailed Akihiko. He slunk off before anyone else could get any incriminating photos.

Ken came downstairs, arms full of cans. "How's your dinner going? Sorry, I don't really know how to cook, so I just brought you some drinks."

"Amada, you realize you weren't included in the boys' punishment." Mitsuru said as Koromaru came down with yet another can in his mouth.

"Oh, I know. I just felt bad Fuuka-san's surprise was ruined."

"That's so sweet of you!" gushed Fuuka.

"Aww, you are such a prince, Ken-kun!" Yukari cooed, trying to ruffle his hair.

Ken pulled away almost instantly. "Please stop that!" He took off in the direction of the kitchen.

"Okay, here we go, ladies!" Junpei was heading towards the table, his arms filled with dishes. "Plenty of grub for you to grab!" As he neared the table, everyone held their breath, anticipating a crash. To their surprise (and his), all the dishes made it to the table.

"Wow, Junpei, I was sure you'd drop something." Yukari couldn't help but admit.

"Well, maybe you should eat your words instead, Yuka-tan!" Junpei smirked. "I'd say such stellar service deserves a big tip, don't you think?"

"Oh, yeah, here's a tip – that shirt does not go with those pants." Everyone laughed.

The front door opened and Ikutsuki walked in to see all the members of SEES getting along. "Well, this is a pleasant surprise! I didn't know you were having a party."

"Mr. Chairman!" Mitsuru put away her phone and stood up, worrying unnecessarily about her appearance. "We were just sharing a meal. Would you care to join us?"

"Oh? Then it seems I've arrived at just the right time to ask a very important question!" That look on Ikutsuki's face was never a good sign.

"Oh, no..." said Yukari.

"So, children..."

"Brace yourselves!" Akihiko yelled.

Ikutsuki's grin widened. "What's cooking?"

The boys threw their aprons at him.