Church called out again, "TUCKER!! CABOOSE! Sister! Where the fuck are you guys?!" He wandered around base, checking each room, only to find them as empty as they had been the last round he'd made. He considered looking outside for them, and decided it was a waste of time. For once he actually had some peace and quiet, and he was going to take advantage of that. He was already out of his armor, so he figured he'd grab a beer and take a nap.

Church set the beer on the concrete table by his bed, and kicking off his shoes, sat down on the moderately comfortable mattress he'd inherited when Captain Flowers had a freak heart attack. The Captain's quarters had great advantages he'd have never thought available in this damned box canyon, like a separate lavatory and shower, and one of the few windows on the lower level. A makeshift curtain covered the hall door, allowing him the most privacy he'd had since back home. He looked at the curtain for a moment, and realized a weird shadow being cast on it. Church turned toward his window, intending to yell at whoever was standing outside of it and question their lack of response, but what he saw was definitely not one of his stupid team members.

"What the--? Red!! Red in the base—!" Church's cries were muffled by a strong female hand and a pistol to his head. His assailant's armor lay in a shadowed corner, presumably where she had been hidden until his return.

"Hello, Blue Leader. I am here to discuss some things with you concerning this canyon and its contribution to the greater war." She cornered him back into falling on his bed. As she moved to pin him, Church noticed an unusual replacement of red camouflage pattern with solid skin.

"Are you not wearing pants?!" Pants no, but upon further inspection he found the regulation black underwear in their place.

"Very observant, Blue Leader. Maybe that's why your poor shot was disregarded in your promotion to captain?" Church's lips pressed together to form his favorite b-word, but the intruder spoke before he got the chance. "Since my arrival here in Blood Gulch, it has been decided that my role at Red Base is team relations." She tightened her grip on her opponent's left shoulder, and her gun hand did the same around his opposite wrist.

"Yeah, that's all well and good," Church interjected as her straddle became higher and closer, pushing him farther back, "but what does that have to do with you giving me a half naked lap dance?! Er, not that I mind." Her face got closer to his, then dipped down to his collarbone. She slowly rose up his neck while breathing lightly on it, sending a shiver up the blue's spine.

"Let's call it," she whispered in his ear, "negotiations."

This is a teaser for an AU Red vs Blue fanfiction I am still working on. It was inspired by a smutty picture. Said smutty picture may be posted at a later time.

To save myself from criticism, I'm going to explain to you now what kind of AU I have created (sans spoilers beyond the first chapter). Red Team has a new, female member. Said female member has a hormonal imbalance caused by Command's birth control medications. Said female member is also an overcompetitive psycho bitch who will do anything to be the best. If she can't get better than the best, she eliminates the competition.

This story takes place in a 2 week insert from the time they get back to Blood Gulch until O'Malley surfaces in Captain Flowers' body. With crazy future medical science and Doc being hit in the head a few times, Church's body was discovered by Junior during an exploration of the cave system and miraculously revived so that he is human once more. Everything will fall into place and return to the original storyline at the end (probably using some actual quotes from RvB).

I write the smut first, add storyline later. Because I'm that kind of girl.