PART 1: THE FIRST LOVE
I was just a kid when I first laid eyes on Lana Lang. She had moved into the house next door. Okay, technically, the house next door was about a mile away. I just couldn't keep my eyes off her; at school or through my telescope. The other girls at school paled in comparison to Lana. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.
I was always afraid to approach Lana. She was one of the more popular girls in school and I didn't exactly fit in with the crowd she was a part of. For some reason, I always felt weak whenever I came within six feet of her. It just didn't make sense. Why did I feel different around her? Why didn't I feel as if I belonged?
I thought that maybe the reason why I didn't belong had something to do with the fact that I had abilities nobody else had. My parents tried to treat me like I was like a normal teenager, but the truth is I never felt it deep inside. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that my father finally told me the truth about my abilities.
I came from another planet.
He brought me down to the storm cellar and showed me the spaceship. I couldn't believe it. I yelled at him about why he never told me, then I super-sped out of there. I ended up in the cemetery of all places. I was hoping to be by myself for awhile, then Lana showed up riding her horse. She told me that she often came to the cemetery to talk to her parents. She wondered why I was there, but of course I couldn't tell her the real reason why. We ended up having the longest conversation we've ever had as we walked back to her house. Once we returned to her house, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked away. It's funny that I didn't feel weak with her that night.
Shortly after that, I was 'picked' as the scarecrow for that year by Lana's boyfriend, Whitney. Apparently he thought I was going after his girl. He hit me - and when I tried to return the favor, I suddenly felt weak. I collapsed onto the ground; unable to move. He and his friends took me to a cornfield and tied me to the post that would normally hold a fake scarecrow. They left me wearing only my boxers and a painted 'S' on my chest. But Whitney did leave something else on me.
He hung Lana's necklace around my neck.
I had no idea at the time that it was because of the meteor rock in her necklace that caused me to become weak. The necklace contained meteor rock - which came from my home planet of Krypton. I didn't find out the actual name of it until the following year, but that's another story. I was left there in that cornfield; weak and unable to move. Thank goodness Lex heard me calling out for help and helped me down. As he did, the necklace came off. I suddenly regained my strength; murmuring my thanks to Lex. I grabbed my clothes, then ran out of the field; super-speeding away once I was out of Lex's sight.
Later on, Lex gave me a lead-lined box. I wondered what was in it. He opened it and I started to become weak again. That's when I saw the necklace inside. I was beginning to think it might be because of the meteor rock. Once he closed the box, I became strong again. He smiled at me and said that he felt I should be the one to return it to Lana. He was trying in his own subtle way to play matchmaker.
I returned to the loft and sat down; staring at the box in my hands. If I gave Lana the necklace, it would mean I could never be around her. It wasn't fair because she was the one person I wanted to be with. My decision to return the necklace to Lana was the hardest decision I ever had to make. She never knew that I was the one who returned it. I knocked on the front door; leaving it on the knob. I watched from the shadows as she opened the door and found the necklace. She looked around; a smile on her face. Then she turned and walked back into the house.
I waited until she was inside, then began to walk away from her house; walking down the road in the dark all by myself. I never felt so alone in my entire life. I felt as if I was destined to remain the man alone in the shadows. Who'd have thought that a tiny piece of meteor rock could make me feel that way? So weak and vulnerable? Ironically, that's what my relationship with Lana ultimately made me.
She became the human version of kryptonite.
I'll tell you about that a little later. She did eventually stop wearing the necklace, so I was able to be around her. We struck up a friendship of sorts. She even helped me out with my speech when I ran for Class President. At the time, she was running the Talon and business was bad. She ended up finding some dirt on another coffee shop that was taking away customers. I remember exactly what I said when she admitted to enjoying being underhanded.
Lana Lang seduced by the dark side? Who'd have thunk?
I had no idea how prophetic that comment turned out to be. But I digress.
After that, our relationship began to turn into something more than just friendship. But it also became on-again and off-again. There was the time that the horse trampled over her and broke her legs. She told me while lying in that hospital bed that maybe I was right about it being too dangerous around me. Let's not also forget the fact that she went to Paris partially because of me. So we were off-again when Lois blew into town.
Lois. Lois.
What a pain in the ass she was - and still is to some degree. I found her to be bossy, rude, stuck up. I couldn't stand her. When I said that to Lana, she had this mysterious smile on her face. She said that the best ones start out that way. Of course I didn't believe her at the time.
I didn't know that Lana had met somebody in Paris until Lois opened her big mouth. She just doesn't stop talking. Anyway, I found out later on that it was Jason Teague, the new assistant football coach. It was supposed to be a secret, but word soon got out that they were dating and he was fired. Lana accused me of outing their relationship - which of course I hadn't. She later apologized for thinking I would do such a thing. So at least we were back on friendly terms.
It wasn't until after the second meteor shower that we made love for the first time. She admitted to me that it was her first time and I admitted it was my first time too. I'll never forget that night. There were candles lit all over the place; a roaring fire in the fireplace. I made love to her on a rug in front of the fireplace. I wasn't afraid to be with her because I didn't have my powers at the time. Until I was human, I was afraid of physically being with her because I was afraid I would lose control and end up hurting her.
Once I got my powers back, however, those same fears came back to haunt me. They came back with a vengeance when I was infected by silver kryptonite. I hurt her because I believed that I saw her and Lex kissing. I ended up choking her until she was unconscious.
Once again I believed that no matter how much I tried, I always ended up hurting the ones I love. It was my damn secret that prevented me from truly being close to her. So I finally made the decision the morning of the election to tell Lana my secret. I brought her to the Fortress and told her I was from another planet. She looked at me with such love in her eyes; saying that I looked like everyone else.
That's when I proposed to her.
She didn't give me an answer until later that day. She came to the house and told me that I was the same handsome guy she's always know. She also told me her answer was yes. It was the happiest moment of my entire life. I felt as if everything was right with the universe. Not only did she accept me as I was, but we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.
But my happiness was short-lived. Shortly after my father won the election, Lana went to see Lex. He was drunk and not very happy about having lost to my father. When he realized that Lana and I were engaged, he became angry. She was scared of him and had to hit him with something so she could get away from him. She called me while she was driving away on that deserted highway and told me the whole story. That's then my world fell apart.
Her car smashed into a school bus.
I heard the crash over the telephone. I quickly super-sped to the scene and saw the love of my life lying on the cold asphalt all bloody and cut up. I completely lost it. I began to scream out her name; the tears falling down my face. Then my father pulled up in the truck and grabbed me; pulling me into his arms and telling me there was nothing I could do.
He was wrong.
I went to the Fortress and yelled at Jor-el that it wasn't her destiny. I asked him to fix it. I begged him to bring her back. He gave me a crystal and told me I only could use it once. He told me that by altering one course of events, the universe will find a balance. I didn't care. I had to bring her back. I made the decision and grabbed that crystal.
I also decided I was going to do things different the second time around. I didn't tell her my secret; thinking that she would be better off not knowing. It just pushed us further apart. I had to accept that I was probably going to lose her. If it meant that she would still be alive, then I would sacrifice my happiness. It turned out to be all in vain. Jor-el was right. The universe found a balance.
My father had an heart attack and died.
Our relationship was doomed afterwards. She turned more and more to Lex; eventually agreeing to marry him. I actually crashed the engagement party when I was infected by red kryptonite. I announced to everyone that she was pregnant and that it was the reason she was marrying him. That same night, I nearly killed Lex by choking him in the barn. Lana tried to pull me off him, but I just ignored her. Good thing my mother showed up with green kryptonite.
As it turned out, she found out part of my secret by trapping Chloe in the wine cellar on the morning of her wedding to Lex. She saw me use my powers to free her. I didn't know about that until after we got together yet again. I later came to see her and told her she couldn't marry Lex because I was still in love with her. I offered to tell her my secret, but she didn't want me to. She was going to skip out on the wedding and meet up with me later. But she never showed up. I had a bad feeling; super-speeding to the church.
She married him after all.
How could she marry Lex of all people? How could she marry the man who would turn out to be my greatest enemy? I later found out that she only married him because she was trying to protect me from Lionel. If she had only told me, I could have done something.
The thing is, I always saw her in that fairy-tale princess costume she wore when she appeared on the cover of Time magazine. She always looked like she needed protecting. I guess that's another reason why I never told her my secret until the day she 'died.' Of course she wasn't actually dead. That was just another thing she kept from me. If she truly loved me, wouldn't she have confided in me? Ironic isn't it? I was hurt that she didn't tell me her secret, and she was hurt that I didn't tell her mine.
When she finally came back from the 'dead,' I thought that maybe we could now work it out. There were no more secrets between us. Or so I thought. I guess that being around Lex rubbed off on her. There were so many questionable things she did that I would never do. She had begun to turn to the dark side and I didn't like it. Yet I just couldn't bring myself to end the relationship. In spite of it all, I just couldn't let go.
It didn't help matters when Bizarro returned to Smallville. I didn't know he had returned because Jor-el had imprisoned me at the fortress at the time. He pretended to be me. He had Lana so convinced that she slept with him. How could she not notice the differences between us? Chloe was able to tell the difference, so why not her? She later admitted that it was so much easier being with him. After that incident, things just weren't the same between us. Of course, that wasn't the last thing to come between us.
She fell into a coma caused by Brainiac.
I didn't know what to do. Nobody knew. I went to the Daily Planet to use their database in hopes of finding some kind of cure. Unfortunately, I had no luck. That's when Lois showed up. She admitted that she wasn't any good at comforting people. I told her she was a good friend. She then gave me one of her trademark punches and insisted on taking me to a club so we could have a few cold ones. I let her drag me there, but secretly I was grateful for the distraction.
I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces later on when Lana came out of the coma and left me the DVD. I was devestated by her leaving me the way she did. But once again, Lois helped me through it. She never said I told you so, or that she was all wrong for me. She was just there for me in a way that Lana never was.
I find it ironic that the relationship finally ended because of that power suit she insisted on putting on. It gave her the ability to absorb kryptonite. So the closer I got to her, the weaker I became.
Looking back, I now wish I had had the guts to speak up and say we weren't meant to be. I also wished I could have told her how hurt I was when she left me that DVD - but again I chickened out. I could just kick myself for that one. There's nothing I can do about it now.
I'm looking back on that relationship and wonder how on earth I allowed it to last as long as it did. I was so blinded by how beautiful she was on the outside that I failed to see who she really was on the inside. Not that she was a bad person or anything like that. The fact is that we had so many problems; mainly because of my fear of being honest with her about my true origins and her insecurities about my being so secretive - as well as the fears she had of being abandoned by the ones she loved. I have to be honest with myself and admit that the main reason I was hesitant to tell her my secret was the constant pressure she inflicted on me to tell her the truth.
I was so naive to think that we could make it last. I now believe that the relationship I had with Lana should have ended in high school. Instead, we dragged it out past the point where we were just going through the motions; unwilling to admit that it was no longer working.
Chloe once referred to our relationship as the "Clark and Lana Operetta." She was right about that. Our relationship was full of drama and angst. To be honest, it got a little tiresome after a while. I got tired of trying to make it work. Love shouldn't be that hard.
When it finally ended, I felt like a large weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. I didn't even know if there ever would be another relationship. I've always had this fear of ending up alone, and the failure of my relationship with Lana just proved to me that maybe it wasn't possible. I guess I am and always will be...
A solitary man.
Coming up next: The Skinwalker