The Bad Shrooms
Chapter 1
1 The Cock and Plucker
The Cock and Plucker was always busy at this time of night. The night was rainy, and the locals needed shelter from this terrible night. Today though, was busier than ever. Although, this was not due to the fact of the thunderstorm, quite the contrary in fact. Rumors had spread like wildfire around the world of Nintendo that something big had just happened. Each rumor as unlikely as the next, but one thing was for sure, something unnatural had happened.
"Didja hear the news?" Said the soldier squirrel to the other.
"Yea! I heard that Playstation and Sega were planning an attack on us!" The other said.
"Sega's with us you dope!" Said the third one.
"No no, It's Playstation against Sega."
"They're all against us!"
"It's also Microsoft!"
"So what else is new?"
"I heard someone planted a bomb in Playstation headquarters and blamed it on us!"
"Wait a minute, I heard Sega did that, then blamed it on us."
"I said Sega's with US!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" Said Conker.
The all three looked at him, and all tried to talk at once. Conker raised both hands to silence them.
"Whoa. Hold on there. One at a time please. Let's start with… you."
"Well, rumor has it that Playstation is planning something big."
"Yea, and Microsoft has something to do with that."
"No, it was SEGA!"
"Sega's with us!"
The three start arguing again. Conker shakes his head and walks over to the bartender.
"How's it going?" he said. "Maybe you could explain what's going on here today, I just came in and everyone's going crazy over something."
"Aye," said the bartender. "Rumors an tales of the other companies plottin' 'gainst us. I didn' believe it myself until everyone was talkin' bout it. I don' know which is correct, but all I could say is that something happened ter Playstation an Microsoft. Didja hear that Playstation characters were caught prowling the Mushroom Kingdom?"
"No. Really?!" said Conker. "Who was it? Did they catch em?"
"I don' know. I heard they were arrested and taken back."
"Is the Princess ok?"
"No, actually."
"What happened?"
"Well, it wasn' those characters. She's gone missin' for a couple of days already. Nobody knows how or why she's gone. She just walked out all funny like, mumblin' about seeing Mario, and never came back."
"I see, and nobody believes it's Bowser again?"
"No. How could 'e? The day she went missin' was the same day Bowser was injured. He's in one of them full body casts now."
"That's very strange. Bowser doesn't bruise easily. I wonder what could have done such a thing… This is bad, what are we going to do about it? Scotch please, no ice."
"Who knows? It's too early to tell."
The bartender goes to get Conker's scotch. He turns around and serves Conker his pint as he sits back. The bartender serves Conker his drink, and Conker sips it as he thinks to himself.
What could we do? I mean we've always been rivals to Playstation, but we've never attacked them like that. What could cause them to get so upset? And who's that over there?
He notices a woman there, a tall, attractive, blonde woman who looks as though she's seen better days.
She definitely doesn't fit in this picture. She's probably the only human here for miles. I wonder where she came from?
"Bartender, who's that over there?"
"Who, soldier in drag, or the hooded skeleton person?"
"No no, the blonde over there in the corner."
"That would be the man in drag."
"No! I mean the human behind him."
"Oh, I see. Funny, I never noticed 'er there"
His curiosity got the best of him, and decided to see who it was. He carried his glass over to her table and asked her if he could sit with her. She smiled weakly and offered him a chair. For the longest time they sat in an awkward silence. She finally broke the silence with a loud belch.
"Excuse me." she said.
"You're excused." he said with a smile.
"Conker isn't it?" she said.
"Yea, you know me?"
She smiled again, and winked. "Of course I do. I'm surprised you don't recognize me… Then again, no one here recognizes me."
He looked at her, and looked again. No light bulb clicked in his mind. He thought about where's the last time he saw blonde women. He could only think of a few times, but most of them didn't happen to be human. He thought it would be ridiculous if she were from Playstation or Sega. He thought about the recent strange events, and then it finally hit him. There was no mistaking, that smile, that profile, that long hair; she had to be-
"Peach?! Princess Peach?!" said Conker
She gave him another smile. "Good for you, you get a golden star now." She sighed heavily and looked toward Greg the Grim Reaper, who looked pretty drunk from a countless number of empty beer bottles next to him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "And… What happened to you?"
She was very unrecognizable from the way she looked now. She was wearing some cut off jeans that were cut a little to high. Her shirt was a thin, white, semi-transparent shirt. Her hair was not in its usual style, but straight and uncombed. She had a very tired looking expression on her face, and dark circles around her eyes.
"It's a long story," she said. "And it's all my fault."
"Excuse me?"
"What's happening, I mean. It's all my fault."
"I see, but what brings you here though?"
"Like I said, it's a long story," she said with another sigh. She obviously didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. But it didn't stop him from asking anyway.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.
She looked back towards him and said, "Maybe. If you can buy me a drink?"
He never figured her as a drinker, but kindly obliged. He ordered a bottle of single malt scotch, and paid the waiter for it. The waiter brought them the bottle and 2 shot glasses. Conker poured her a glass, and then one for himself. She thanked him, and grabbed the entire bottle and drank from it. She chugged the entire bottle without a problem, which made Conker choke on his serving. She burped again.
"WOW! Are you ok?" He asked with his eyes wide open.
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"Err… Nothing, nothing at all."
"So," she said. "Which version do you want to hear, the long one or short?"
"Let's not get into details, so how about the short one?"
"Ok," she said with another smile. "Well something happened at home, I got lost and ended up doing a lot of stuff, and upset a lot of people, and here I am."
He looked at her expecting more, but she said nothing. "That's it?" he asked as he raised one eyebrow.
"Yep, that's the short version of it," she said.
Is she really that dim?
"Ok, that's cleared up with me," he said sarcastically. "How about the longer version? Maybe we should get into details."
She thought for a moment, and then said, "Fine, only if you've got the time to spare for it. Because I'm telling you now, it's a loooong story."
He didn't mind at all a long story. In fact, he had nothing else better to do besides getting drunk and purging at home. This seemed like more of a treat anyway. "Go ahead, I don't mind," he said.
"Right," she said. Her face looked slightly brighter as she smiled again. "Now, where to start? I guess the beginning," She had the expression like she was thinking again. "Humm… now that I think about it, the beginning started at home."
"Well it doesn't matter where, just start wherever," said Conker.
"Ok, how about the end?"
"What?! You know what I meant."
She laughed mischievously, and he knew she was fooling around. She obviously likes to tease, and he took it in mind now that she's been playing with him. She took the glass that he had served to her, and drank it in one gulp. She then cleared her throat and began to tell her story…
Chapter 1
1 The Cock and Plucker
The Cock and Plucker was always busy at this time of night. The night was rainy, and the locals needed shelter from this terrible night. Today though, was busier than ever. Although, this was not due to the fact of the thunderstorm, quite the contrary in fact. Rumors had spread like wildfire around the world of Nintendo that something big had just happened. Each rumor as unlikely as the next, but one thing was for sure, something unnatural had happened.
"Didja hear the news?" Said the soldier squirrel to the other.
"Yea! I heard that Playstation and Sega were planning an attack on us!" The other said.
"Sega's with us you dope!" Said the third one.
"No no, It's Playstation against Sega."
"They're all against us!"
"It's also Microsoft!"
"So what else is new?"
"I heard someone planted a bomb in Playstation headquarters and blamed it on us!"
"Wait a minute, I heard Sega did that, then blamed it on us."
"I said Sega's with US!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" Said Conker.
The all three looked at him, and all tried to talk at once. Conker raised both hands to silence them.
"Whoa. Hold on there. One at a time please. Let's start with… you."
"Well, rumor has it that Playstation is planning something big."
"Yea, and Microsoft has something to do with that."
"No, it was SEGA!"
"Sega's with us!"
The three start arguing again. Conker shakes his head and walks over to the bartender.
"How's it going?" he said. "Maybe you could explain what's going on here today, I just came in and everyone's going crazy over something."
"Aye," said the bartender. "Rumors an tales of the other companies plottin' 'gainst us. I didn' believe it myself until everyone was talkin' bout it. I don' know which is correct, but all I could say is that something happened ter Playstation an Microsoft. Didja hear that Playstation characters were caught prowling the Mushroom Kingdom?"
"No. Really?!" said Conker. "Who was it? Did they catch em?"
"I don' know. I heard they were arrested and taken back."
"Is the Princess ok?"
"No, actually."
"What happened?"
"Well, it wasn' those characters. She's gone missin' for a couple of days already. Nobody knows how or why she's gone. She just walked out all funny like, mumblin' about seeing Mario, and never came back."
"I see, and nobody believes it's Bowser again?"
"No. How could 'e? The day she went missin' was the same day Bowser was injured. He's in one of them full body casts now."
"That's very strange. Bowser doesn't bruise easily. I wonder what could have done such a thing… This is bad, what are we going to do about it? Scotch please, no ice."
"Who knows? It's too early to tell."
The bartender goes to get Conker's scotch. He turns around and serves Conker his pint as he sits back. The bartender serves Conker his drink, and Conker sips it as he thinks to himself.
What could we do? I mean we've always been rivals to Playstation, but we've never attacked them like that. What could cause them to get so upset? And who's that over there?
He notices a woman there, a tall, attractive, blonde woman who looks as though she's seen better days.
She definitely doesn't fit in this picture. She's probably the only human here for miles. I wonder where she came from?
"Bartender, who's that over there?"
"Who, soldier in drag, or the hooded skeleton person?"
"No no, the blonde over there in the corner."
"That would be the man in drag."
"No! I mean the human behind him."
"Oh, I see. Funny, I never noticed 'er there"
His curiosity got the best of him, and decided to see who it was. He carried his glass over to her table and asked her if he could sit with her. She smiled weakly and offered him a chair. For the longest time they sat in an awkward silence. She finally broke the silence with a loud belch.
"Excuse me." she said.
"You're excused." he said with a smile.
"Conker isn't it?" she said.
"Yea, you know me?"
She smiled again, and winked. "Of course I do. I'm surprised you don't recognize me… Then again, no one here recognizes me."
He looked at her, and looked again. No light bulb clicked in his mind. He thought about where's the last time he saw blonde women. He could only think of a few times, but most of them didn't happen to be human. He thought it would be ridiculous if she were from Playstation or Sega. He thought about the recent strange events, and then it finally hit him. There was no mistaking, that smile, that profile, that long hair; she had to be-
"Peach?! Princess Peach?!" said Conker
She gave him another smile. "Good for you, you get a golden star now." She sighed heavily and looked toward Greg the Grim Reaper, who looked pretty drunk from a countless number of empty beer bottles next to him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "And… What happened to you?"
She was very unrecognizable from the way she looked now. She was wearing some cut off jeans that were cut a little to high. Her shirt was a thin, white, semi-transparent shirt. Her hair was not in its usual style, but straight and uncombed. She had a very tired looking expression on her face, and dark circles around her eyes.
"It's a long story," she said. "And it's all my fault."
"Excuse me?"
"What's happening, I mean. It's all my fault."
"I see, but what brings you here though?"
"Like I said, it's a long story," she said with another sigh. She obviously didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. But it didn't stop him from asking anyway.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.
She looked back towards him and said, "Maybe. If you can buy me a drink?"
He never figured her as a drinker, but kindly obliged. He ordered a bottle of single malt scotch, and paid the waiter for it. The waiter brought them the bottle and 2 shot glasses. Conker poured her a glass, and then one for himself. She thanked him, and grabbed the entire bottle and drank from it. She chugged the entire bottle without a problem, which made Conker choke on his serving. She burped again.
"WOW! Are you ok?" He asked with his eyes wide open.
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"Err… Nothing, nothing at all."
"So," she said. "Which version do you want to hear, the long one or short?"
"Let's not get into details, so how about the short one?"
"Ok," she said with another smile. "Well something happened at home, I got lost and ended up doing a lot of stuff, and upset a lot of people, and here I am."
He looked at her expecting more, but she said nothing. "That's it?" he asked as he raised one eyebrow.
"Yep, that's the short version of it," she said.
Is she really that dim?
"Ok, that's cleared up with me," he said sarcastically. "How about the longer version? Maybe we should get into details."
She thought for a moment, and then said, "Fine, only if you've got the time to spare for it. Because I'm telling you now, it's a loooong story."
He didn't mind at all a long story. In fact, he had nothing else better to do besides getting drunk and purging at home. This seemed like more of a treat anyway. "Go ahead, I don't mind," he said.
"Right," she said. Her face looked slightly brighter as she smiled again. "Now, where to start? I guess the beginning," She had the expression like she was thinking again. "Humm… now that I think about it, the beginning started at home."
"Well it doesn't matter where, just start wherever," said Conker.
"Ok, how about the end?"
"What?! You know what I meant."
She laughed mischievously, and he knew she was fooling around. She obviously likes to tease, and he took it in mind now that she's been playing with him. She took the glass that he had served to her, and drank it in one gulp. She then cleared her throat and began to tell her story…