Fall to pieces

by greenified7

a look at what Mulder was feeling when he went into hiding, and was seperated from Scully and William

It's been a long year since I've been gone. It feels like twenty years. Twenty years since I've had the chance to look into those deep blue eyes. Achingly long minutes since, I have heard your voice. I don't even know how to describe what it is that I've been going through. Although I can imagine that your going through the same thing. Do you feel the same way I do, when I crave to touch you and I cant? Do you feel that emptiness low in your stomach? That gradually grows, it spreads to all your organs, making your heart beat slower and your lungs contract. It becomes hard to breathe, my throat closes. And right then and there I feel as though I'm going to die. And a little bit of me wants to. To just die, seems like to only way to make this pain go away. But I know I can't die. Not without seeing you, smelling you, or touching you one last time.

Im so alone here, and I feel like Ive aged so much. I have no reason to laugh anymore, no reason to smile. Those are the things that keep us young. Happiness, joy and love. I have none of those anymore. I had all three at one time you know? I thought my heart would burst. But it was for too short a time. I grasp at those feelings. Reach for them in time of sorrow. Try and remember what it was like to feel those things so I can remember what im fighting for. Because knowing all the truths in the world is not worth never having those feelings again.

I feel like Im falling to pieces. I feel like you're the only one who can put me back together. Every morning I wake up and you're not beside me, I fall to pieces. Everytime I think of our son growing and learning without me I fall to pieces. Im so alone and im falling to pieces. I need you so much. I need you to put my pieces back together.

I write in a journal every day. A journal of our memories. Memories good and bad. But memories nonetheless. Having a eidetic memory like mine makes it a lot easier. When I read them back, I can see it happening almost like a movie. The hard part is turning to you to say "remember when" and your not there. Goddamn it your not there.

I feel so lonely. I try and do things to take my mind off you but nothing helps. I think about you, about our son, every fucking day. And I cant breathe. I cant breathe without you. Do you hear me do you understand? Can you relate? Have you moved on without me? Someone who can be there for you and hold you at night when your dreams have turned bad? The thought makes me cringe, and I cant breathe all over again. You are my lifes breath, I need you to breathe that life back into me. I need you.

I had wasted so many years with you by my side not telling you how I felt. Although I feel in my heart, that it happened when it was supposed to happen. Im afraid that we could have made more memories. Im so afraid that these ones will die. I don't want them to die. Because if they die, then I will die.

I need to find you, I need you to find me. Will you still feel the same when I see you again? Will your eyes still shine when you see my face? Are you falling to pieces without me. I wish you were, but then I hurt because I don't want you to feel the same pain that I do. But I need you to find me, I need you to put my pieces back together, I need you so that I can breathe. Im coming back Scully, we can put each other back together. Im coming back……..