Disclaimer: I always forget to add this but no, I own nothing. No characters or anything. Nope.
Trigger warnings: there will be slight mentions of self-harm, depression, violence and suicidal thoughts, though they are not explicit and will only be mentioned briefly in certain parts. Still, if it might possibly trigger you, please don't read it.
Also, a random A/N: the diary dates are random and probably nothing at all like the canon storyline of Glee. A few dates should be right but overall: nope. I just wrote this for fun and I couldn't bother to make sure everything was exactly according to canon storylines. Sorry.
Don't Ever Look Back
It hadn't been on purpose. Not at all. He would never do such a thing.
It was an honest mistake, really. Completely harmless. He would never snoop around his boyfriend's things, and he most certainly would not read anything he might find.
It went against every moral code in the book, everything he had been taught when growing up.
You do not go through other people's things, however curious you might be, his mother had told him when he had been caught looking around in her purse when he was eight years old.
So he didn't. He wasn't that kind of person.
But then why was he sitting there on the side of the bed, his right leg crossed over the left one and his right foot swaying nervously in the air, with a black notebook on his lap? And not just any old notebook. The little white sticker on the black front had the words "Property of Kurt Hummel" scribbled onto it in very careful writing.
If the name hadn't been a dead giveaway, the writing would have been. It had that air of perfection that only endless practise and devotion could accomplish.
He had had the most innocent of intentions, honestly. Kurt had asked him to come over and he, as the dedicated boyfriend he was, immediately went.
It wasn't entirely selfless, though, because he couldn't stop thinking about what Kurt was wearing for the day – a pair of jeans that were so tight they should be illegal, matched with a simple white shirt and a formfitted knitted sweater with long sleeves over it that hid Kurt's skin but showed off his amazing figure. And to top it off, he wore a slim black tie that had been driving Blaine insane all day because he just wanted to tug on it and bring those delicious lips that belonged to that body closer to him.
The thought had been stuck firmly in his mind ever since they said their goodbyes for the day in school a few hours ago. He hadn't been able to do anything because they were in a public place, and he had gone home unsatisfied.
When Kurt then texted to ask if he wanted to hang out, he couldn't help but accept, the plausibility of possibly getting to relieve his boyfriend of some of those annoying – although gorgeous – layers almost overwhelming him.
Ever since he met Kurt he had had a complex relationship to layers. The fact that they hid Kurt's beautiful body from him made him very reluctant to them, yet they always made Kurt look so good, so he couldn't fully resent them.
...Anyway. Blaine's preferences on Kurt's clothing aside, the whole plan had a flaw, which was that once he pulled into the Hummel-Hudson driveway and went up to the house, Kurt texted and told him he would be running late from his shopping spree with the girls and that Blaine should just go in and make himself at home. They had been dating for quite a while now so Blaine was more than comfortable with both Kurt's family and their house, so he had no problem pulling the door open, stopping by the living room to inform Burt that he would be waiting for Kurt in his room and then going up there to do so.
The real problem had been entering the room only to realize Kurt had left his diary on the bed. It was right there, out in the open. Inviting– no, begging, Blaine to read it.
...okay, maybe it wasn't really on the bed. But it was hidden behind a CD in the shelf designed for CD keeping next to the bed. Blaine had only taken a CD out because he was bored and figured a bit of music would cheer him up, and then the diary had fallen out and he had caught it. It had opened onto the first page, which read Kurt Hummel's Diary. And once he had read those words, he was simply transfixed with it.
Hadn't he caught those words he might have been able to throw it off, pretend it wasn't a diary but a simple notebook Kurt used in class to take notes. Not that it explained why it had been hidden, but he might have been able to resist it.
But now... and honestly, what harm could it do? He wasn't going to tell Kurt he had read it. It would just be a way to get to know his boyfriend better. So it was okay. Right?
Yeah. He was now officially the worst boyfriend ever. He was going to boyfriend hell for this.
But despite knowing how wrong it was, he now found himself flipping the book over in his hands, almost daring himself to read it. What if Kurt mentioned him in it? He must have. They had been together for months, and friends for over a year. He couldn't not mention him, could he?
Blaine wasn't sure what would be worse – Kurt not finding him important enough to mention in his private diary, or the very reasonable possibility of Kurt using his diary to vent about Blaine's flaws. He wasn't sure he could take that, even in this indirect non face-to-face way.
He groaned and tossed the little book to the side. It fell among the many pillows Kurt kept on his bed, slipping in between a red fluffy one and a more solid sky blue pillow so that only a vague black edge of the diary was visible.
It was almost hypnotizing and he couldn't bring himself to look away. Surely it wasn't more than thirty seconds but it felt like hours before he finally scooted closer to the headboard and picked up the diary again. His fingers were itching to open it and get to know all of Kurt's inner thoughts, even though he was sure this was so, so, so wrong in so many ways and if Kurt ever found out they would be over in a second. But he couldn't help himself.
Shifting a little on the bed, he took a deep breath, bracing himself for what was about to come, and opened it onto the first dated page. Like the name tag on the front, the diary was filled with neat, ink-written handwriting that was unmistakeably Kurt's.
February 21th 2010
Today was just one of those days where from the moment I woke up I knew that everything would go wrong. Five slushies, two dumpster tosses and enough shoves to bruise my back.
I got an F on an essay because of sleep deprivation and Rachel made me show it to her. She got an A. I have never been more humiliated.
Blaine read the small little words printed into the paper and sighed to himself. He knew that Kurt had been – and was – bullied and he had heard plenty of stories confirming so, but somehow seeing Kurt's inner thoughts on it made it seem so more real.
Enough shoves to bruise my back.
He shivered and flipped several pages ahead.
June 4th 2010
Finn is still not returning my feelings and I don't know how much more of his stupidity I can take. Dad and Carole are getting along, especially since I fixed her wardrobe (it was horrible!), but Finn is still being distant. I don't know what I am doing wrong.
Today I only got one slushie and three shoves from The Ignorance Squad, as I have nicknamed them. They told me they would get me tomorrow though, so I guess there is not much to celebrate after all. The upside is that I will be rid of them all in a few weeks, for summer break. I am not sure if Finn will be here then, but I hope so.
That was a piece of information he could have lived without. Kurt had been into Finn? And now they were brothers... wow.
He turned the page again, excitement and fear building within him as he read on. The next few pages were filled with holiday details and non-school related things as summer break had obviously started. Blaine momentarily thought back at his own summer of 2010 and how lonely he had felt. By the looks of it, Kurt had been worse off. The thought made his heart clench painfully.
He skipped the summer pages and landed in the autumn of 2010.
October 10th 2010
Today I told Finn that I loved him.
Blaine didn't even read through that page, his insides squirming unpleasantly at the thought of Kurt and Finn together in that way. Instead he skipped ahead to-
October 23th 2010
Karofsky, leader of The Ignorance Squad, has been harrassing me for months. I thought things were bad last year but it has become so much worse the last few months. At first I thought I imagined it, but he has clearly made me his number one priority. He actually let Rachel get away without a slushie facial today when he saw me coming out of third period. Needless to say, I was the one who got the slushie instead.
In total, I got four slushie facials and I did not bother to count the physical violence but I am sure it was more than fifteen shoves. My right arm has exactly twelve bruises right now and I don't want to know how bad my back is.
October 29th 2010
Two slushie facials and one shove.
I went home after lunch because I couldn't take it anymore. He is everywhere. It feels like a horror movie and he is the monster I can't seem to shake. Today I cut for the first time since Finn called me the f-word.
The diary almost fell from his grasp as he finished the last sentence of October 29th. The ink letters in cut were stained with what he could only guess to be tears, and Blaine himself realized that he was crying, too.
Kurt had cut himself? How could he not know that?
It was then it really hit him what he was doing. He was invading Kurt's privacy and it was one thing if he had written about hair products or shopping sprees with his friends, but this was a sensitive issue and how was Blaine supposed to look him in the eye knowing he had betrayed his trust like this?
He was just about to close the book when he caught a glimpse of a word on the next page, and he couldn't help but take a look. He had done so much damage already, one more page couldn't hurt.
November 8th 2010
I can't do this much longer. My first kiss was stolen by Karofsky and I think that was the last straw. I cut three times today, once in school and twice at home. I see no other way out than suicide. It is the first time I have actually written it or said it out loud: Suicide. Yes, it is my last hope. Everything is hopeless and I feel so disgusted with myself. I feel cheap and used. I don't want to live anymore. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE.
No matter how painful the words got, Kurt's hand never wavered once. Except for those capitalized words on November 8th. They were sloppy and more full than the other letters, as though Kurt had pressed the pencil down much harder when writing them. The entire page was blurred out with tear stains, and the tears didn't only belong to the writer.
Blaine was really crying now, halfway to full-out sobs wrecking through his body. Kurt had been suicidal only days before they met. No, actually, a day before. They met on the 9th of November, the day after Kurt wrote those horrible things.
Blaine remembered the day very clearly and it was a date he would never forget. You don't simply forget the day you meet your soulmate, after all.
But how was it possible that Kurt had written this only the night before? When they met he had looked so put together, at least at first, but once the "are you all gay"-question had been voiced, his defences had crumbled. He had been nowhere near as open and vulnerable that day as he was in his diary, though.
A fresh wave of guilt tore through him and he instantly slammed the book shut. This was horribly wrong and the worst part was that he couldn't unsee it now. He would have to face Kurt later and know what a horrible thing he had done, and he would have to pretend that he didn't know that Kurt used to cut himself.
Wait.
Used to. What if he never stopped? What if-
A choked off sob erupted from his throat and he would be lucky if the noise didn't reach Burt downstairs. Maybe even Finn would hear him, if he was home.
He was beyond caring though. Had Finn known about this? And Burt? He doubted it.
Kurt rarely told anyone his issues. He liked to help others as much as possible, but he was too proud to take anyone's help himself. What if he had actually taken his life that night, when everything had seemed so dark and hopeless? What if Blaine had never got the chance to meet him?
He couldn't even picture his life without Kurt today. The thought of never meeting him, never holding him, never kissing him, never seeing his eyes light up whenever something Blaine said made him smile- it was pure torture.
He moved to grab one of Kurt's pillows to cry into, but as he looked up to do so he instead noticed the boy standing in the doorway, arms wrapped around himself, just watching.
"K-Kurt- I'm so s-sorry-"
His voice was unsteady and it was more of a sob than anything else. How long had he been there? Shame and fear weighed him down and pinned him to the bed and he couldn't make himself move if his life depended on it. Funny enough, it actually was. What if Kurt ran out on him and never wanted to see him again? He wasn't sure he could survive that. Scratch that: he wouldn't survive that.
He wanted to run up to Kurt and tell him how incredibly sorry he was and that it would never happen again and-
Why was Kurt not screaming at him?
He had barely moved, just clasped himself a little tighter. His mouth was a thin line and his eyes were narrowed, but he didn't seem angry. He... was he afraid?
Blaine forced himself to get off the bed and take a tentative step towards Kurt. His otherwise so soft blue eyes were guarded and didn't leave Blaine's hazel ones for a second.
Blaine made sure he wasn't going to break down again before he spoke.
"I am so sorry, Kurt. I- I couldn't help myself. I know it's not an excuse but you have to know how horrible I feel about it-"
Kurt still didn't say anything. His eyes didn't even glance at the diary lying abandoned on the bed. "How much did you read?", he asked finally.
"I- well, way more than I should have."
Kurt's eyes bore into him, demanding a better answer. He gulped. "Uh, well, I skipped some pages but February to November, basically. I am so-"
To his complete surprise, Kurt smiled. But it wasn't a happy smile, or a I-forgive-you-honey-smile. It was twisted and weird and why isn't he screaming at me?
"Aren't you going to run?", Kurt asked quietly, finally looking away.
That was not in any way what Blaine had expected.
"I- what? Why would I do that?"
Kurt rolled his eyes as though the answer was obvious. "Because I'm pathetic?"
Blaine's eyes were starting to water again and he didn't want to cry any more in front of Kurt.
"Why would you-"
"Oh, please. Aren't you even a little disgusted after reading all that?", Kurt snapped, gesturing to the diary. "It's weak and pathetic and-"
And that's when it clicked. Kurt wasn't angry that he had read through all his secrets- or, well, he probably was, but that wasn't his main focus. He was afraid that Blaine would be repelled by it, maybe even so grossed out he would break them up.
"No! Kurt, I would never do that! I love you and the fact that you had to go through all that just-"
"-makes me stronger and more desirable?", Kurt cut off, his voice harsh.
Blaine threw all restraints aside and stepped closer to him and, even though Kurt flinched, put his hands on either side of his face.
"Of the list of things that could make me break up with you, which by the way is pretty non-existent because you are flawless and I want to be with you forever, this is not even mentioned. I could never love you less because you went through a rough time and- and took some desperate measures to keep yourself sane. God knows I was only days ago from doing that myself, only-", he choked a little but forced himself to finish, "only someone else got there before I did."
His face suddenly drained of colour as images of that night came flooding back to him and for a few painful seconds all he could see was blood and fists and angry, hateful faces glaring down at him. He shook his head and refocused on Kurt. "And I'd like to think you wouldn't have left me either if the roles had been reversed."
Kurt's eyes softened, and he reached up to grab Blaine's hands in his. "Of course I wouldn't."
Blaine took this as a good sign and finally wrapped his arms fully around Kurt, drinking in his scent and warmth and just everything that was Kurt.
Kurt mirrored his movement and curled his arms around his neck, sighing as he rested his head against Blaine's.
Neither moved for a good ten minutes, both just melting into the other's embrace.
"I'm sorry I read your diary", Blaine mumbled after a while. His nose was nuzzled into Kurt's neck and his breath tickled his throat, but Kurt didn't change position anyway.
"I'm sorry I never told you all that stuff", Kurt replied.
"I shouldn't have been spying. It's disgusting and I will never forgive myself. I just- I got so wrapped up in it and then you wrote about- about Karofsky and the kiss and I just couldn't stop and- oh god, Kurt, I can't believe I was so close to losing you forever. That you- that you almost-"
Blaine felt tears welling up again and Kurt must have sensed it too because he pulled Blaine closer and petted his hair soothingly.
"You read that far, huh?", he murmured finally, distractedly twirling a curl that had escaped Blaine's gel around his finger.
"Y-yeah." God, he sounded like such a child. "I- I was so scared. I can't even- I can't live without you, Kurt, I can't!"
"Shh, I'm not going anywhere", Kurt cooed.
"But it was so close and what if we had never even met and-"
"But we did meet. And I'm still here."
Blaine let out a shaky breath and tried to savour that thought. Kurt wasn't going anywhere. He was safe now. They both were, wrapped up in each others arms, protecting one another against the world outside.
A sigh escaped him, and he nuzzled further into Kurt. "I'm so glad you never went through with it. Whatever or whoever made you change your mind, I'm glad."
"You- what? Didn't you read the next one?", Kurt asked, surprised.
"No, I never got that far."
They were silent for a few heartbeats, Blaine chewing on the inside of his lip as he waited for either of them to speak again. In the sudden silence, he realized just how tired he was, and he melted into Kurt's solid body even more. But just as he was about to drift off-
"Read it."
The words were so soft and so sudden, Blaine almost didn't catch them in his hazy state. But he did, and he was tempted to push himself off Kurt and stare at him for full effect, but couldn't bring himself to put more space between them. He never wanted to be apart from him again, so he instead spoke into Kurt's skin.
"W-what? No! I've done enough damage already."
"Blaine. Read it."
And then Blaine couldn't help but straighten up enough to look into his boyfriend's eyes.
He gazed at him carefully to figure out whether or not he was just joking. All he could find in those gorgeous, slightly glassy blue eyes were a soft determination.
"A-are you sure?"
Kurt nodded. He gently loosened Blaine's firm grip on his waist, took his hand and led him over to the bed. They both sat down, their knees only barely touching, and Kurt picked up the diary.
Blaine felt silly and too clingy, but he couldn't help but scoot closer and wrap his arms around Kurt's waist, his head resting against Kurt's arm.
Kurt smiled down at him and quickly kissed his forehead before opening the diary and focusing his attention there rather on the gentle tickling sensation of Blaine's breath against his skin.
He opened the diary and first landed on October 29th.
Today I cut for the first time since Finn called me the f-word.
He flinched and quickly turned the page. He hoped Blaine wouldn't notice, but he did, and it killed him even though he pretended not to notice, and only wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt's waist.
"Bet you hadn't expected me to be in love with my stepbrother, huh", he said humorlessly as he flipped through the pages.
"Not exactly, no", Blaine replied, nervously glancing up at him. Kurt stopped every now and then to read through a particular page, and almost every time he would flinch or make a disgusted face before quickly turning to another page. It must be even more painful for him to relive those memories like that than it was for Blaine.
"Ah. Here", he said finally, and placed the diary in Blaine's lap. Blaine let go of his waist and straightened up.
He peered down at the page and, with relief, found that it was clear of tear stains and smudged ink. It meant Kurt hadn't been completely devastated when he wrote it, and that was a small comfort.
November 9th 2010
Today, for the first time in months, I do not want to die.
Today, I met a boy named Blaine Anderson. I think he is it. The it, the "I want to marry him and have his adopted children"-it. I have never believed in fairytales or love at first sight, because I have always been told I will never have that because I like boys. But honestly? I feel like I just stepped into one. Blaine is gorgeous, he sings like a dream and it should be illegal to look that good in a blazer. And when he looks at me, I swear he sees into my soul. Just one look at him and Finn fades into the background. He never made me feel like Blaine makes me feel and I have only known him for a day. He is shorter than me and even though I never thought I would go for that, it fits him just perfectly. And he knows what I am going through because he is gay, too, and he has been treated badly because of it as well.
Today, for the first time in months, I feel like life might be worth living after all. And it's all because of those brown eyes. (Yes! He has brown eyes! Thank Gaga for that. Hazel eyes, actually. With flecks of green and gold.)
Today, I felt safe. With him. Like nothing could hurt me as long as he was there, and I know it is silly because I don't know him, but I hope I will soon.
Blaine could feel Kurt's eyes burning into him, waiting for his reaction, but the more pressing matter were the tears flooding down Blaine's face. He never cried, damn it, what was going on here?
Oh right. The fact that him and Kurt meeting might have saved Kurt's life was what was going on.
"K-Kurt-"
No other words were needed.
Kurt took the diary from him and gently closed it before placing it next to him on the bed. Then he scooped Blaine up – had it been any other day Blaine might have felt undignified by it but right now it was all he needed – and wrapped him up in his arms.
Blaine willingly buried his face in Kurt's shirt and the seriousness of the moment was reflected in the way Kurt didn't even ask him not to stain his clothes. He just let him cry his heart out against his – very expensive – shirt and held him while he did so.
"I haven't cut ever since", he mumbled once Blaine had calmed down.
"No?"
"No."
Blaine tried to rub the tears out of his eyes because they were threatening to take over him again.
He straightened up a little so that he could look Kurt in the eye. "I just- god, Kurt. What if-"
"No what if's", Kurt interrupted. "I was going through a lot and it became too much. Then I met you and you gave me the courage to go on. That's it."
"God, I shouldn't have read your diary, Kurt. How can you ever trust me again?", Blaine asked, and it sounded so whiny he wanted to punch himself. He was still astounded that Kurt was not crying, too. But, he figured, it was just how they worked. When one of them was upset, the other remained strong for them both.
Kurt just shrugged. "I was mad at first. But now I just feel relieved. You know my darkest secrets now, and you're still here."
"I'll always be here", Blaine mumbled, nuzzling back into Kurt's now slightly damp shirt.
He wasn't sure that Kurt believed him, but it didn't matter. He had forever to prove it to him.
They stayed like that for a long time. Every now and then Blaine would let out a sigh, or a tear would escape his eye, and Kurt would hug him a little tighter.
Eventually Blaine felt confident he wasn't going to burst into tears the second he opened his mouth, and slowly his mind cleared and instead of images of Kurt hanging from the roof with a rope tied around his neck, he saw images of their future; the tall buildings of New York, a small apartment crammed with furniture and books, a dog sleeping at the foot of their joined bed, the two of them going for coffee together before going to school or work or whatever they would be doing.
And he could see a bunch of kids running around their feet, begging for attention and squealing happily once their daddies lifted them up and let them snuggle into them...
"You really want to have my adopted children?", he mused after a while.
Kurt chuckled softly. "I do. Sorry if that's weird for you. I've been planning my future ever since I could form proper thoughts and since that day on the Dalton staircase you have certainly played a central role in my future dreams."
Blaine let those words hang in the air for a while as he tried to absorb them into his very skin. A future with Kurt was exactly what he wanted, too.
"I think I'd like that too", he said finally.
He could feel Kurt smiling against his hair, and he smiled, too.
But then Kurt moved, eliciting a quiet whine from Blaine who was really enjoying the position.
Kurt chuckled but remorselessly got to his feet either way. He offered Blaine his hand, and he gladly took it.
"How about we go pop in a DVD and I'll let you be the little spoon?", Kurt suggested, his eyes twinkling.
"Yes! Only if you're offering Disney, though", Blaine said, with a pretend pout. But his excitement shone through his tease and he quickly gave up the act and just pressed a quick, loving kiss to Kurt's lips before skipping downstairs, pulling Kurt along with him by the hand.
Kurt could never get tired of the puppylike excitement that struck his boyfriend whenever something remotely interesting happened, even though Kurt was equally happy this time. And he would continue to be, until the day he died.
Neither of them knew this yet, but everything they had dreamed would come true one day. They would move to New York together. They would fight, cry, even break up for a while – but they would find their way back to each other in the end. They would have two beautiful daughters and one son, and Blaine would always tease Kurt for giving into the boy too easily. The thing was that he had inherited his father's eyes, and Kurt had never been able to resist those hazel orbs piercing his very soul, a thing his son would quickly realize and use to his advantage. The oldest daughter, though, would get Kurt's mouth and laugh that crinkled her nose slightly, and she would forever have daddy Blaine wrapped around her finger for that - as would Kurt.
Blaine would convince Kurt to move to the suburbs to raise their children in a neat read house with white picket fences, surrounded by a big garden that their pets could run around in. Kurt desperately needed a cat and Blaine had craved a dog since the age of five, so the compromise resulted in a huge animal shelter-rescued cat named Brian and a dog affectionately named Harry after Blaine's favorite book series.
Blaine would turn out to be a huge Broadway star and Kurt would find his true passion in fashion design, a work he could partly handle from home with the children. As their relationship had always been equal, Blaine would be a stay at home dad for certain periods of time, too, during which Kurt could focus more fully on his own work and spend a little more time in his office. Even though he had his hands quite full what with raising three children along with his quite demanding work, he would still make sure to find time to sing and dance at an amateur level at the local theater, or together with his husband.
Yes, husband, as they were to marry as the humble age of 23.
And when Blaine won his first award for his outstanding shows, Kurt would be there to kiss him in front of the whole wide world. And when Kurt won his first award, Blaine would be there to do the same.
But they didn't know any of this right now. All they knew was that they were young and in love, and that right now, that was all that mattered. They were content with just being with each other, lying on the couch watching Mulan for what had to be the billionth time. And when Blaine, being the little spoon, turned around to press a quick kiss to Kurt's lips with a fond "I love you", it was the most natural thing in the world for Kurt to reply with a soft "I love you too".
A/N: Wow. I am sorry about this. It started out as a little hurt/comfort or angst or whatever and then BAM, cue the sappy, cheesy ending.
I'm a sucker for happy endings okay. I only barely resisted adding a "And they lived happily ever after". The end is weird because I really tried to keep the fluff in but some of it just spilled out. Oops.