We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love — first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage. - Albert Camus
There cannot be love without suffering in one form or another. - Ema Hathaway
Why am I still crying? I can't help, but ask myself this question. I keep telling myself I never loved him at all, but I know that I'm lying. Why would I have sacrificed myself all those years ago if I had never loved him? So many questions and too few answers have become to plague me. I've begun to recoil from everything that reminds me of him or the night of August 18th.
I've been thinking about Luke so much lately that I'm surprised Lady Artemis hasn't thrown me from the Hunters. I see how all the other Hunters and the other demigods look at me with their eyes filled with pity. But not one of them has a word to say to me. Not even Annabeth, who loved him almost as much as I did. Part of me wishes fervently that someone anyone would ask me how I feel. I know I put on a good show, but I'm not fooling everyone. My facade is cracking oh so slowly and I fear the consequences it may bring.
I have currently banished myself to my father's cabin at Camp Half-Blood. The Hunters have decided to stay for a while and hunt in their woods that are stocked with all kinds of creatures. For a week and a half I have tortured myself with Luke's memory. I wish that I'd been there when he died. I wish I could have held his hand while he died and told him how sorry I was for everything. Artemis will never have to worry about me falling in love, because the only person who had my heart is now in the Underworld among the dead.
"Thalia?" I looked over to the door way of the cabin, Percy stood there, blocking it. I sat up and realized I must look awful in my ratty old Green Day t-shirt and worn black jeans.
"Hey, Seaweed Brain," I said half heatedly. I couldn't quite muster up a smile, because if I did I was sure I'd cry and there was no way I was going to let Percy see me cry.
"Annabeth sent me to check on you. Are you alright?" Percy looked like he was ready to flee from me. Although I don't blame him I probably looked like a wounded animal, hurt, but still dangerous.
"Do I look okay Percy? Really, do I look fine to you? I haven't slept in a week. And all I can think about is...." So much for not crying in front of Percy. The tears came pouring down my cheeks and onto the sheets covering my bed.
"I'm sorry, Thalia. We all lost Luke and we all feel awful, but we've got to move on." This was a side of Percy I'd never seen before. He seemed softer and more sympathetic.
"You didn't abandon him. You didn't leave him like I did. If I'd never died he might not have joined up with Kronos. I would have never joined the Hunters and he would be here with me." My rage was as hollow as my heart and instead of yelling like I wanted to, I just sobbed. I knew everything that came out of my mouth was nonsense. You can't cheat destiny.
"Ummm..." Percy had just elicited the typical male response to everything. "There's one more thing I had to tell you, Artemis wants to see you." This I'm sure would be my death. What use was a love sick lieutenant anyway? I wasn't supposed to fall in love, but then I was in love when I joined. I hoped whatever punishment she had in store that it was a mild one.
Percy lead me to the big house in silence. There awaiting me was Artemis. In appearance she looked younger than I, but the air she held was an ancient one. She smiled down upon me as I left Percy at the stairs and ascended them. Her smile was one of pity, even her eyes reflected the pity she felt for me. "My dear Thalia, what has become of you?" It was more of a question for herself than it was for me. "I had a talk with our father about you and how you are dealing with the grief of losing the Castellan boy." I was afraid of where this was headed. They where going to have me killed. I was sure of it. "You are to be sent on a quest that will end your suffering and bring you closure."
"What?" I had to say I did not see this one coming. A quest? What quest could possibly end my grief and suffering?
"You are to travel to the fields of Elysium and seek out Luke Castellan." My breath caught in my throat and joy flooded through me.
"He made it to Elysium?" Tears threatened to pour from their ducts. I had hoped and prayed he'd made it to Elysium, because after all he'd been through he deserved it. Artemis brushed her hand across my cheek affectionately.
"Yes, my little lieutenant, he made it to Elysium."
"I thought you had called upon me so you could kill me." I adverted my eyes from her gaze. I just couldn't bare to look at what I saw there.
"Thalia, I knew the day you joined the Hunters you would never completely be over Luke Castellan. You loved him enough to die for him and when you joined us you loved him enough to let him go. But, I understand letting go is not easy and you are the only one who has not made your peace with his passing. Do not be afraid you've angered me, for you have not. I just would like to see you unburdened and so would our father, Zeus." I leaned my hip against the porch railing, taking in the words she said. Her tone was careful, as if she was trying to find words that wouldn't upset me.
"So I haven't disgraced you?" Disgracing Artemis had been one of my worst fears since I'd joined the Hunters.
"There is nothing disgraceful about loving someone. You had a choice, Thalia and you chose the Hunters. Go child, you are to leave out at first light tomorrow. I assume you'll bring two other people with you." Something inside me told me I shouldn't take another soul with me. This was my burden, my grief and I will end it alone.
"No. This is something I'm better off doing alone." With that I left Artemis be and returned to my cabin. I packed my black leather bag in silence. As I did this I thought back to an earlier time, a time when there was hope to be had.
"Don't you ever call me that again, Luke Castellan!" I yelled, my blue eyes shining ready for the verbal battle that would ensue.
"Whatever you say...Thali." I put my hands on my hips and looked up at Luke, studying his handsome youthful face. I hated that nickname. Who would even allow someone to call them Thali? I heard thunder crackling in the distance. That happened from time to time when I got worked up.
"Whoa, calm down Thalia. It was just a joke no need to ruin a tree like the last," he said referencing to the time I caused lightning to hit a tree unintentionally. Luke placed his hands upon my shoulders and his blue eyes bore into my own. Then something changed suddenly. It was as if this moment would shape the entirety of my life. I saw the same realization in his eyes as well. Luke's lips brushed my own, sending shock waves of pleasure through my body. It was as if the lightning had entered my body and was crackling around inside my veins.
Back then I wasn't much of a daydreamer, but Luke seemed to inspire the very few I had. I could almost see the little blue eyed baby girl dressed in black, who looked like a mix of both Luke and I. It was so sappy that I wanted to vomit, but it made me feel warm and like the whole ordeal had a purpose. That nothing could touch what Luke and I had. That no matter what happened he'd be there. At the time I was 12 and he was 14. We'd both made promises to one another we knew we couldn't keep. The things that hurts the most was I kept the promises I could and Luke didn't.
A knock at the door broke me from my reverie. "Thalia?" I turned to see Annabeth, the other member of mine and Luke's make shift family. She glowed with the promise of being a great woman. "I heard about the quest. I just thought I'd come and wish you luck." Annabeth looked around the room, like she didn't know what to say. She fiddled with something in her hand, before holding it out to me. "I thought you'd want to have this. It was Luke's." I took the object from Annabeth's hand and observed it. It was Luke's necklace from camp. I had no idea how she had come to possess this and I don't think I wanted to know.
"Thank you," I whispered as I secured the necklace around my neck.