Title: Sleeping Secrets
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: 16+ to be on the safe side
Summary: We are more honest when we are asleep than when we are awake. Set in the time of the Marauders.
Authors Note: I don't know the books all that well so some elements of this may conflict with them. If they do just think of it as an AU
Warnings: A bit of bad language and lusty thoughts.
Disclaimer: I disclaim this.
Sleeping Secrets"Hey! Sirius! Wake up already!" Sirius slowly came too… to realise he had fallen asleep at his desk. James was frantically prodding him and Sirius slowly began to realise that he was in Defence Against the Dark Arts class, he had been dreaming but he couldn't remember what about. It was unusual for him to fall asleep in this class. Divination: yes but never Defence Against the Dark Arts. It was just that he hadn't been sleeping well lately.
"Wha'? I'mup! I'm up!" Now that he was up Sirius began to realise a few more things: the Slytherin boys were laughing at him, particularly that stupid Severus; the teacher had gone leaving a note on the blackboard saying he'd gone to the staffroom and what the homework was; but most importantly his very best friend Remus Lupin was missing, his quill left on his parchment leaving a huge inkblot. "Where's Remus?" The class smirked at him for that. Well, some smirked, others sneered and most of the boys looked at him as if he was diseased.
All apart from James, he just looked… Sirius couldn't read his expression. James ushered him out of the classroom where they could talk in more privacy. "Peter, stay here." James ordered and the boy did as he was told.
"Look Prongs, what is this all about!" Sirius angrily asked as James closed the door behind him. There was a pause and James seemed to be searching for the right words. "Just tell me!" Sirius shouted. James sighed.
"You were sleeping. You were… dreaming."
"So what!"
"Do you remember what you were dreaming about?"
"No." Sirius replied. "So what?"
"Well the rest of the class does. You were talking… in your sleep. You were talking … about Remus…"
"Shit! I didn't let slip he was a werewolf." Sirius whispered the last word. "Did I?"
"No. No, you didn't."
"Then what!" Sirius wasn't the most patient of people and he was becoming more and more angry with every passing second James was pussyfooting around him. "What the fuck did I say that made Moony leave in the middle of class! He didn't even take his books with him!"
"You said… that you're… in love with him. You said you care for him. You said you wanted to protect him. You wanted to spend the rest of your life looking after him." James said, trying to keep his tone even, calm and emotionless. And failing.
"What?" was all Sirius could say.
"Is it true?"
"What!"
"Is. It. True?" James repeated.
"No! It was a dream! It was a lie! You know me, Prongs! I'm not that sick! He's not even my best friend! I don't even like him that much! I think he's a nerd!" Sirius exploded trying to sound angry when he really didn't know how he felt. "Is that all I said?" Sirius was quieter now, unsure.
"No." silent tears were leaking from James' eyes as he was shaking with anger, hatred and disgust. "You also said how much you wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to fuck him six ways 'til Sunday!"
"Just stop! I feel sick!"
"It was your dream!"
"It's wrong! I'm not… I don't…! I feel sick! How could you think that of me Prongs? No wonder you hate me. But it's not true! I like girls! You know how much I like girls! The other thing… that's disgusting! Sirius really did feel sick. He needed to see Remus to clear up the misunderstanding.
"If it is love-"
"It isn't! It can't be! It's wrong!"
"Love? Love can never be wrong. And I'm sorry I reacted so badly, it was just the shock. But it does make sense." James' voice was a lot calmer and was in strong contrast with Sirius'.
"It doesn't make any sense! It's not true! I've never been in love and I never will be! Not with him, not with anyone!" Sirius began storming off.
"Where are you going?" James asked.
"I'm off to see Lupin and sort out this ghastly mess!" Sirius replied. James didn't even bother saying that no one knew where Remus went, the Marauder's Map was still in the dorm. Sirius didn't need the map.
Remus Lupin was in part of the library that nobody visited. It was doubtful that the librarian knew of it and even if the house-elves were aware of it they were so kind as to clean it and still leave everything as Remus had left it Remus had indeed made himself quite a little den: there was a blanket, chocolate, a few (14 to be precise) that he was reading at the time, several volumes of his own works and even a teddy bear which a young muggle girl had given him when he woke up in a muggle hospital at the age of five. Indeed he had created his own secret, private world.
Well, Remus thought it was secret but Sirius knew exactly where his best friend could be found whenever he seemed to disappear. Remus had discovered the place almost immediately after starting Hogwarts five years ago. For years it had been a mystery to Sirius where Remus went during the day when he wasn't with the Marauders, but their recent creation (or rather Remus' recent invention for he was smarter than the rest of the Marauders put together. Which was saying something because James was quite smart.) allowed Sirius to check where Remus was whenever he's given him the slip and he was almost always in this secluded part of the library. Sirius guessed that now would be no different.
When Sirius did see Remus he stopped in his tracks. The smaller boy was curled up tightly and gently rocking too and fro. His pale, beautiful eyes leaked silent tears down his pale, scarred cheeks. His pale brown hair with pale blond streaks seemed to shine in the darkness. Then Sirius saw the blanket, books and teddy bear that littered the floor and just thought of a beautiful, rare creature caught in his natural habitat. Sirius couldn't speak. He couldn't even breathe.
Remus himself was too busy rocking to have noticed Sirius. Sirius just watched.. The boy seemed far younger than he actually was, he looked just like a child. He was innocent… just like a child. He needed protecting… but Sirius knew Remus was far more capable than Sirius gave him credit for. But still Sirius had to cling onto a bookshelf for it was all he could do to prevent himself from holding Remus to stop him from rocking and looking so vulnerable.
Sirius still couldn't speak; he couldn't move; all he could do was watch. He watched for what felt like hours but as he was so self-conscious it could only have been minutes.
"Hey." Sirius finally spoke, softly. It was uncharacteristically gentle but still enough to make Remus jump. "Sorry." Sirius apologised, his voice surprisingly gentle. "So this is where you always vanish to. I woke up and found you'd left. I was worried about you."
"You… you were d-dreaming." Remus stuttered, still rocking slowly, his eyes still leaking tears.
"I know. James told me. But it was a dream. It wasn't true. It didn't mean anything." Sirius' tone was calm and soft.
"'Dreams are the answers to unasked questions.'" Remus quoted, unsure of what it meant. "Please don't love me. I don't deserve it. You shouldn't even be my friend. You should hate me. I don't deserve friends. Nobody should ever, ever love me!" Remus was crying and he really meant what he said: Remus never said anything he didn't mean. Sirius' heart was screaming out 'You're the most kindest, most honest, most beautiful person in the world and nobody deserves to be loved more than you do!' but Sirius said nothing.
"I deserve being hated and bullied and teased." Remus continued frantically never explaining why. "They don't even talk about me behind my back, they call me names right to my face. 'Loner.' 'Mudblood' 'nerd' but I deserve it. I don't want them to talk about me but they do."
"Yeah, well I think they're all talking about me now."
"I am so sorry." Remus spluttered an apology and continued before Sirius could protest to his apology. "I reckon Severus put a hex on you making you say you were in love with the biggest loser of the school. I'm sorry for all the bullying you're gonna get. It's all my fault. You really should hate me!…"
"I could never hate you Remus. You're not a loser. You're my best friend and the smartest wizard in the whole school. Don't worry about my reputation: I'm a fifteen-year-old boy, I don't even know what love is. Why don't you think of a way for us to get revenge on Severus. Perhaps you could hex him into saying he's in love with a teacher… actually, that's not very original but I'm sure you'll think of something." Sirius gushed before forcing himself to return to a steadier pace.
"Are you ready to come back to class?" Sirius asked whilst gently brushing away the tearstains left on Remus' face, often allowing his fingers to trace the long thin scars before remembering himself and withdrawing his hands. Remus slowly shook his head.
"It's Arithmancy by now and I'd much rather work in here." Remus said, no longer crying but still curled up into a tight ball.
"Is there room enough for two?" Sirius asked, not willing to leave Remus when he was in such a self-loathing mood and not willing to leave him.
"Sure." Remus shyly smiled and Sirius was inwardly doing summersaults. "But I've left my work at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom."
"I'll get it for you." Sirius eagerly volunteered before quickly adding, "I've left my own stuff there too." But Sirius was still rewarded with a most spectacular shy smile. And so Sirius began walking. A walk that was half dawdling because he needed time to think, but at the same time was half rushed so he could quickly get back to Remus.
He wandered in a state of deep thought which he had denied himself for so long. He thought hard and long about Remus: how his shy and awkward smiles could reduce him to jelly; how whenever he was talking to Remus he ended up losing himself in his pale, amber eyes; how he'd memorised every single scar Remus had and whenever a new one appeared his stomach lurched.
It was actually quite a surprise to Sirius to realise how much time he spent looking and thinking about Remus. The way Remus' hair looks golden when it catches the light, making him look like an angel. How white Remus' skin is, how perfect. Remus is so self-conscious about his body but Sirius has managed to catch glimpses throughout the years and thinks he is gorgeous, but always to thin. Remus does need someone to look after him.
As Sirius thinks he realises that it's not just Remus' image that he has captured and stored in his memory. He's captured the feel of Remus' skin during casual touches and accidental touches, so soft and smooth. How he has longed to explore that skin. Remus felt just like he was: tender, gentle and so very loving without ever being loved back.
And Remus' scent: chocolate (Remus likes the smell of chocolate so much he even invented a chocolate scented soap which he always uses) mixed with mint toothpaste and the faint trace of parchment. Padfoot knows that Remus can also smell of salt when he's been crying but he doesn't like that scent. With the scent Sirius can imagine the taste of chocolate and mint toothpaste. Sirius wouldn't mind licking those salt tears away.
After thinking about it there is no doubt that he is physically attracted to Remus, he's even hard now. It would explain all the wet dreams he'd been having but managed to forget. But so what if he fancied Remus? Remus is beautiful.
But then again you don't use 'beautiful' to describe someone you want to fuck, you use it to describe someone you love. Sirius didn't want to be in love, he was too young to be in love, he didn't even know what love was. But he knows Remus is beautiful.
Remus is so loving, so friendly, so smart, so generous, so amazing and yet so modest. Too modest. He's a target for bullies and Remus tends to believe whatever the bullies said to him, which made Sirius angry because it wasn't true! Remus has such a low opinion of himself and Sirius was determined to set it right and show Remus how much he really meant.
There was no doubt Sirius fancied Remus, but why then did he dream of all the romantic stuff: the holding hands, the kissing, the closeness? Why did he only want to be with Remus for the rest of his live? Why did he want to protect Remus, place a charm on him so nothing could hurt him? Perhaps this was love?
In fact the more he thought about it the more he realised that he was in love with Remus, and every single second spent thinking about him (let alone being with him) made him fall even deeper. He knew nobody deserved love more than Remus and slowly began to cope with realising that Sirius may make Remus see this too using his new lease of friendship. James was right: Love is never wrong.
Sirius ran the rest of the way to the classroom, grabbed both his and Remus' things and rushed back even quicker to give them to him.