Disclaimer: I own no characters, except CJ. I do not own Twilightverse, or any other media you recognize, but I do own the plot.
This is the story of a confused boy, his even more confused twin brother, and his exceedingly confused best girl friend. And the fucked up complications that come with imprinting. Rating for language, and yes, it's a one-shot. Enjoy!
1/3 - Collin
Brady was always my best friend, in every sense of the word. We told each other pretty much everything. Being identical twin brothers and all, it was a given. It was natural. It was what we were supposed to do. We shared a bedroom until we were eleven. There wasn't much we didn't know about each other.
But with Cera Jane, it was different. It wasn't the obvious difference, either, such as the fact that she was a girl. It was the fact that she wasn't born into my family. She didn't have to love me. She didn't even have to like me.
But she did.
We met when we were five. We were in kindergarten. My teddy bear was stuck in a tree during recess, and I was crying. Brady had gone off to get a teacher, the logical thing to do, and Cera Jane had wandered over to find out why I was keeping so much noise.
The problem? She wanted to know. My teddy was stuck in a tree. Her solution? Why to get it down, of course. My waterworks stopped instantly as she came up with an elaborate plan – well, as elaborate as a five-year-old's plan could be – to get it down. It involved a trampoline and some carefully aimed rocks.
The plan was never executed because thankfully the teacher showed up and the teddy wasn't so far high up that she couldn't reach it, but it was the thought that counted. It was the fact that she was going to rescue Mr. Wilkershins that endeared me to her for pretty much the rest of my life.
From then on, it was me and Cera Jane against the world, fighting evil and taking names. We robbed from the bullies at snack time and gave to the orphaned kittens down the street. We stood up to the six-year-olds who hogged the swings, and made sure everyone had a fair turn. We brought peanut-butter cookies to lunch on Fridays, and gave them out to the disadvantaged youth whose mothers and fathers strongly believed in dentistry. We were a team. She was my Xena, and I was her Hercules.
Brady thought we were ridiculous and made his opinion known from the sidelines, but to his credit, he never interfered.
I learned pretty quickly that she had a hero complex. She loved anything to do with Marvel, and had an impressive comic book collection before she fully learned how to read. The walls of her room were an ever-growing collage of Spiderman, Batman, Superman posters, and any other superhero she had ever heard of. She taught me all about Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and had a secret obsession with Poison Ivy. Halloween was our favorite holiday. Costume ideas? No problem. We had it covered.
She was just about the coolest person I had ever met, never mind the coolest girl. The best part was that she included me in everything, and I never had to work to impress her. She genuinely liked me for me, and not because we happened to be interested in the same things.
When I developed a Pokémon obsession in third grade, she was right there, memorizing the poke-rap. I never made fun of her for liking Sailor Moon, and in fifth grade, at the risk of being teased mercilessly by Brady - and every other boy in our class if they had seen me - I even showed up to her house in a Tuxedo Mask costume on her birthday, complete with a thorny red rose.
Our parents used to joke and say that when we get married, I'd be the one wearing the tights, and she'd be dressed as Maid Marion. But they didn't quite understand. I wasn't her savior. If anything, she was mine.
I watch her now as she devours the last chocolate chip cookie my dad had baked two nights ago. My dad is one hell of a cook, and we always save leftovers for Cera Jane in the event that she isn't here on the actual day the food is made. Lord knows if we didn't actually put it into the designated 'leftovers for Cera Jane' box, Brady and I would eat everything. Our appetites alone are scary, but together under one roof? With our sudden growth spurts in the past few months or so, our parents practically emanate nervous waves every time they see us enter the kitchen.
"So I'm thinking Pippi Longstockings. For my hair. What do you think?" she looks at me as she chews with her mouth full, and grabs two handfuls of her naturally red hair, holding them straight out on either side.
I roll my eyes. "No. That's just… no."
"Well, there's virtually nothing else I can do with it this long, Collin," she whines. "My mom would have conniptions if I cut it. You know she would."
"You could tell her it's giving you headaches," I suggest.
"I could," she says, thoughtfully, letting her hair fall back down. She grins evilly, causing my stomach to do a weird flip-flop thing. "Or, I could, you know, shock her with the Pippi style."
I shrug. "It's up to you. Just don't expect me to pretend to know you in public."
She laughs, training her dark blue eyes on me, thoughtfully. "We should do something with your hair."
I immediately back up, recognizing the look in her eye. For some reason I will never understand, she is in love with my hair. I know I have the whole Quileute straight and shiny thing going on, but my hair isn't even that long. As least it isn't in comparison to most people around here. Mine goes down to my chin, and I don't let it grow any longer than that. I would actually cut it super short and spike it like Brady does, but Cera Jane would probably keel over. She spent an entire month telling me how insane she thought Brady was for cutting his hair and how she hoped I wouldn't follow in his footsteps.
I continue backing away until I hit the refrigerator door, and Cera Jane grins widely. She follows me arms outstretched and puts them on either side of the door, effectively trapping me there.
"'Pinned ya,'" she says, quoting one of our favorite parts in The Lion King. My heart starts beating a little faster as I notice for the millionth time that her eyes don't seem to be as dark as I think they are, from this distance.
"CJ, do me a favor," Brady's loud voice suddenly interrupts from the doorway, causing both of us to jerk around and stare. He smirks obnoxiously. "Either kiss him already and stop with the foreplay, or move, so I can get in the fridge."
As if she's burned, Cera Jane snatches herself away from me, and I blush furiously, unable to look at her. I glare at Brady instead. Trust him to take a potential moment and turn it into something awkward.
"Stupid," she mutters in Brady's direction.
He grins wickedly at me as he passes by. I reach out and hit him on the shoulder. He ignores me, which only serves to make me madder. He knows how I feel about Cera Jane, and with all the little hints and suggestions he's constantly throwing around, I'm sure Cera Jane knows how I feel about Cera Jane.
"Please, don't stop on my account. No, really. I like to watch," he says with laughing eyes, dancing away from me as I reach out to slug him again.
"Shut up, Brady," I snap, growing irritated.
"Whoa, touchy," he remarks. Normally, I can ignore him. But for some reason, today, he is really getting to me.
"Come on," I say lowly to Cera Jane. I turn to my room and that would have been the end of it if he hadn't spoken again.
"Where the fuck are the cookies?" he asks, turning around from the refrigerator.
"They were Cera Jane's and you know it," I retort.
He glares at her. She glares back, and he shifts his eyes to me. "So much for bros before hos," he mutters.
That is the last straw.
"Ex-cuse me," I say, seeing red. "What the fuck did you just say?"
Something like regret flashes across his face for barely a second before his expression hardens again. "I said bros before – "
I don't let him get it out. My fist connects with his face faster than I have time to think about it. Cera Jane lets out a loud gasp, and stupidly, I turn to see her reaction. In my moment of distraction, Brady fist collides with my stomach, and I hit the ground.
"Stop it!" she shrieks, but she sounds far away. My heart is pounding, and all I can think about is the fact that I have to hurt Brady. I have to hurt him because he hurt my Cera Jane and because I'm so mad. I'm so angry all the time, except when I'm with her, and he ruined that. I have to take it out on someone. I have to take it out on him.
I trip him, bringing him face down as well, and somewhere in the distance, I hear the front door opening, and more shouting.
"STOP!" A loud male voice is yelling now. Whoever it is sounds vaguely familiar, but Brady and I only have eyes for each other. We haven't fought like this since… well, since ever. And it hurts. Not necessarily physically, but something hurts. Something is burning inside me, tearing at my skin.
"I said stop it you two!"
But we're in too deep now. I couldn't stop if I wanted to. I don't want to. There's something fighting inside of me. Breaking… forcing its way out.
I feel strong hands on me, forcibly pulling me away. Brady lands a kick to my knee. I snarl, growl… growl? And before I can register anything more, I explode.
This has to be the single coolest thing that has ever happened to me. Ever. I'm a freaking shape-shifter. I am the shit. I am a real live superhero. I am everything that Cera Jane ever wanted.
I am -
One of many, Brady's thought interrupts mine, and I send him annoyed waves. I have to get used to this whole being in each other's minds thing. It still freaks me out to know that every thought I'm having at any moment in time is being read by someone else. At the same time, though I have to admit, reading other people's minds is pretty damn cool.
Alright, you guys, are you ready? Sam's thoughts come in loud and clear. Today is the day that Brady and I are supposed to try to phase back. Apparently, anger or other high emotions trigger our bodies to phase, and mastering control of those emotions is the only way to phase back.
We've been stuck as wolves for almost three weeks now, learning every inch of the woods, hanging out with our pack brothers, eating local wildlife… it isn't as terrible as it sounds, but I'm ready to be human again. I'm ready to see our parents, and to assure them that we're okay and not dead. I know Sam and the elder council already informed them of what was happening, but really, who can accept something like this without seeing it for themselves? I can only imagine what they've told Cera Jane…
Concentrate, Collin! Sam snaps at me.
I look towards Sam, and am surprised to see that Brady's already phased back. And he's a sight to behold. He was getting larger before he first phased – we both were – but now he's gigantic. He's ripped, and there's no way anyone is going to believe he's fifteen. It makes me nervous to think that I'm going to look the exact same way. According to Sam, our wolf forms are identical as well. He's grinning at me while he pulls on cut-off shorts Sam brought for him to wear. I don't even know if he's aware of the changes.
I roll my eyes exaggeratedly, picture Cera Jane's face clearly in my mind – she's the closest I've ever been to calm – and concentrate on being human. Before I'm entirely ready, I feel a strange squeezing sensation from inside of me. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it's like I'm shrinking. It's not as sudden as turning into a wolf was. I actually feel myself growing smaller, and my bones shifting. It's painful, but nowhere as near as painful as I suspect it looks like.
I close my eyes, and when I open them again, I'm on two feet and human. And I feel oddly powerful… stronger. Much stronger than before. Like a superhero.
Brady, still grinning obnoxiously, tosses me a pair of shorts, and I pull them on, but I'm barely aware of my nakedness. I've been naked for almost three weeks. I've bathed in the river. It feels weird to wear clothes, even shorts.
"Congratulations," Sam says, dryly, now human again, too. Though, I guess technically, we'll never be completely human again. Even in this form, the changes are obvious. My sense of smell is powerful, my hearing must be nearly perfect, and my eyes are sharper than ever. I'll never need glasses for as long as I live.
"You guys going to be okay getting home?" Sam asks, and I know without having to be in his mind that he's anxious to get home to his Emily – his imprint.
That's another thing I'm looking forward to – imprinting. An odd shiver runs through me at the thought of it. I don't need to look far, though. I already know who my soul mate is, and I'm excited for the tribal magic to confirm it, so that I can finally have an excuse to act on it. It can't be anyone but Cera Jane. We're perfect for each other in every way.
Brady and I nod simultaneously, without looking at each other. Another thing I noticed while we were in wolf form – our minds are so similar, it's kind of creepy. The other guys were curious to see how it would all work out for us, being the youngest ever to join the pack and being twins, and we didn't disappoint. We already kind of had the twin mind-reading thing down pat – being able to actually read each other's minds just confirmed what we already knew. We were in sync, even when we were upset with each other.
We leave Sam with assurances that we'll be fine, and go on our way. I walk slightly ahead of Brady, and we don't speak, each lost in our own thoughts. My head is of course filled with Cera Jane and the idea of imprinting. Having been inside Brady's head, I know he is worried with the changes that this new life will bring. Brady doesn't like change… which is one of the reasons why he doesn't like Cera Jane, I found out.
We get to our house, give each other 'you go first' looks, and silently decide that Brady will. He sighs, and knocks on the door lightly. His knuckles barely touch the wood when the door flies open.
Mom stands there, her mouth a stunned, 'O'.
"Hey, Mom," Brady says hesitantly, in his new 'man' voice. It's going to take some getting used to – our voices. Voices in our heads sound different than voices out loud.
There's no embarrassing cracking for either of us, anymore, though. That's a plus.
"My babies!" Mom screeches, before reaching out and grabbing Brady. He happens to be closer. I am grateful, even as he throws me a dirty look.
My turn comes soon enough, and she holds me tight, not seeming to mind in the slightest about my boiling skin. Sam explained about the constant fever thing, and I guess that's also a plus – never being cold. But nothing feels hot to me anymore, either. And that's just weird.
After all the lovey-dovey gooeyness of Mom in the doorway, she lets us in the house and demands that we take showers. Our Dad just stares at us, openmouthed, like he still can't believe what's going on. He's had a few weeks to get used to the idea, but I guess seeing us… yeah.
I grin at him as I pass by on my way upstairs. This seems to break the spell, and he shakes his head then mutters something about summer jobs to fix the kitchen Brady and I broke. Oh, right.
Speaking of the kitchen, real food sounds amazing. But I have my priorities. I elbow Brady out of the way, and jump in the shower before he can. He growls at me then retreats down the hall to use Mom and Dad's much smaller private shower in their adjoining bathroom. As good as the shower feels, I finish in record time, and immediately search my room for my cell phone. I plug it into the charger, wait for it to get enough juice to power up, then I text Cera Jane.
Come over.
I send it and watch as dozens of backed up text messages and missed calls come into my phone. I wince when I see that she called twelve times before she apparently decided to come over and find me.
"What did you tell Cera Jane?" I ask as my Dad walks into my room unannounced.
"Put some clothes on," he replies, raising his eyes to the ceiling. Oh right. The naked thing.
"That's not what you told Cera Jane, Dad," I say jokingly as I look around for something large to put on. I have to settle for ripping some old baggy jeans into shorts and pulling on a t-shirt that my mom kept insisting I'd 'grow into.' Now it's uncomfortably tight.
"I told her that you and Brady had to go take care of your grandmother for a few weeks... that she was sick."
"Oh, good cover," I reply, slightly sarcastically. "I hope she doesn't remember that both our grandmas are dead, Dad!"
Dad sighs. "Rest their souls."
I roll my eyes. "She probably hates me."
Dad snorts. "Yeah, right."
I hear the doorbell downstairs, but my dad stops me from rushing out the door. I hear Brady turn his shower off, and my mom approach the front door.
"What?" I say, impatiently.
My dad looks at me, a bit uncomfortably. "You and your brother… you guys are okay?" he asks.
"We're fine." And I look past him towards the door. I hear Cera Jane's voice and something inside me melts. My heartbeat picks up. Brady hears it and snorts from the hallway. Why isn't he in here having this talk? I think, enviously.
"No, really, Collin," Dad continues. "It's… strange, you know. I don't think I ever need a demonstration, and Lord knows your mother would probably pass out, but just the idea of it… the legends being real. I know you and Brady had a few weeks to run around with the whole… thing, but your mom and I still really don't understand. You become wolves to protect us all from…?"
"Leeches," I say, lightly, adopting the pack's name for them. "Blood sucking vampires."
He makes a face like he's going to be sick. "Collin."
"Sorry Dad, but there's no way to sugarcoat it. That's what they are. Brady and I haven't met any yet, but… that is what they are. And that's what we're made for: to destroy them."
"Okay, okay, I just want you guys to promise me you'll be careful. Please." He looks at me with worried eyes.
For the briefest of seconds, I forget about Cera Jane, and I really look at him. He looks like he's aged just as much as we have, except while ours is through a weird kind of magic, his is through worry.
I smile tentatively. "I promise, Dad. We're going to be careful. Sam is awesome, you know. He really knows this stuff. He knows what he's doing and the rest of the guys are super cool, too. Nothing is going to happen to us."
He gives me a quick nod, and I'm surprised to smell the faint scent of salty tears in the air. He's about to cry. He's not crying yet, but he's about to.
"We'll be fine," I add, and then I leave the room, sensing he wants to be alone now. This time he doesn't stop me.
I take the steps two and three at the time, excited, nervous, and anxious to see Cera Jane. I'm sure it's on the same level as Sam's excitement to see Emily. Maybe even more, seeing as Cera Jane is about to be a new imprint. Not that the attachment fades over time or anything, just… we're young. So I'm sure it will be more somehow. Maybe. I don't know.
I bounce into the living room and come to an abrupt halt. There she is. Looking shocked. Looking at… Brady. Her gaze swings over to me and we make eye contact. She brightens visibly, then she turns back to Brady, and her expression becomes confused.
I look at Brady, watch him watching her, take in his expression… his shocked, amazed, hit-by-a-train expression, and everything in me plummets.
No.
2/3 – Brady
"So you're saying that the only reason I imprinted on her is because I saw her before Collin did?" I ask, skeptically.
Sam shrugs. "I don't see any other reason for it. You guys are genetically the same."
"If it comes down to basic DNA, they both should have imprinted on her," Emily points out. "Who's to say double-imprints aren't possible? If imprinting is all about genes and what's best for the future generation, then it doesn't make sense that one would imprint on Cera Jane and the other wouldn't. They both certainly have the ability to get her pregnant. Going by that logic, Paul should have imprinted on Rachel and Rebecca."
"But, he saw Rachel first," Sam argues, stubbornly, even as he reaches out for Emily's hand.
I roll my eyes, thoroughly irritated. And frustrated. This is some shit and we all know it. It makes no fucking sense. Figures Collin and I would come along and completely fuck up the theory behind imprinting.
"Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with genes. Didn't Jacob imprint on a half-vampire, half-human? Can she even have kids?" I ask.
Sam and Emily look at each other, then turn back to me and shrug simultaneously. It's clear that they've discussed this. I glare at them.
Emily sighs. "Brady, there's just so much that we still don't know about imprinting – "
"Well, how do you undo it?" I blurt out before I can think about what I'm saying.
Immediately, I feel like I've said something terrible. Sam and Emily's shocked faces confirm it, then CJ's face materializes in my mind and I wince. I know that Sam never dreamed of breaking his imprint with Emily, even though he was in love with her cousin at the time it happened. It was tragic and emotional, but they worked it out.
I just can't see myself ever working it out with CJ… not when she's so obviously in love with my twin brother, who clearly feels the same way.
"Never mind," I mutter under my breath.
"Brady," Emily begins, hesitantly. "There's no law that says a wolf has to romantically be with their imprint. If you take Quil and Claire, for example – "
"Claire is a child," I say, rudely. "It's not the same."
Sam glowers at me. I fight the urge to roll my eyes again.
"What she's saying is that if your imprint only wants to be friends with you, then that's all you should be for her," he says.
"Oh, please," I respond. "We all know that as weird as it is, Quil and Claire are going to end up being together. He's going to wait for her until they're the same age, and she's going to realize that she's in love with him or some shit, and they're going to skip off into the sunset holding hands."
"Brady – " Sam starts, but I interrupt him.
"Come on, Sam. Quil can't even look at any other girl. He hasn't gotten laid since he met Claire and he's cool with that. If he wasn't waiting for her, then he'd be sleeping around like he was doing before. Same thing with you and Emily. If you were content with just being her friend, you would have stayed with Leah. So don't give me that shit. I don't want it. I don't want to be CJ's eternally single best friend and faithful lapdog or whatever, while she walks down the aisle in a white dress towards my brother. Just watching them together now is like being stuck inside of a mirror, watching my reflection live my life. It's fucking torture."
Emily watches me with sad eyes and Sam watches her, probably thinking of the Leah situation. I sigh.
"Whatever," I repeat, mainly to myself.
"I could… put restrictions on him," Sam says, hesitantly. I look at him. I can tell he's serious, but even though I'm a huge ass sometimes – most of the time – I could never do that to Collin. He is my brother, my other half in a sense, and CJ is his best friend. There's no way I could ask Sam to order him to stay away from her.
I shake my head. Yeah, it's an im-fucking-possible situation. But I have to figure it out by myself. I just don't see a way to keep everyone satisfied.
I can hear her voice inside the house – hers and Collin's. They're watching a movie, and laughing in the living room. The sound of it makes me ache. I should be with her. And it doesn't help to know that if I had been nicer to her growing up, then maybe I would at least be in there with them. I might even have some kind of chance.
I open the back door/kitchen door as slowly as possible. I don't want either of them to know I'm here because I'm not in the mood for conversation right now. I'm never really in the mood for conversation with anyone, but the way I'm feeling, right now would just be exceptionally bad timing.
Apparently, though, fate could care less about how I feel. I hear Collin saying suddenly that he has to use the restroom – probably an attempt to avoid me – and then I hear CJ's footsteps heading my way. There's nowhere to hide, so instead I just stand there, awkwardly waiting for her to enter the kitchen.
"Oh!" she says, surprised as she comes through the doorway. My heart starts to race, and my body feels hotter than usual.
"Hi… Brady," she says, uncertainly. I can't blame her. I've been acting like a freak around her, lately.
"CJ," I say, immediately wishing I could take it back. Her face twists with displeasure, and I silently curse myself as I remember how much she hates that nickname.
"Cera Jane," I whisper, correcting myself.
She looks up at me, surprised. "You actually know my name?" she asks, sarcastically.
I feel myself blushing, and I feel like such an idiot. I shrug and I look away, before my eyes are drawn back to her of their own accord. I'm reluctantly ecstatic that she's talking to me at all, yet I don't know what to do with her.
Should I apologize for all the times I was a jerk towards her? For all the times I called her CJ? Would she even believe me? Would I care if I hadn't imprinted on her? Why the fuck did fate decide we were meant to be together? I barely even know her.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out, allowing my imprint desires to win out. Damn. I feel like such a pansy. "I know you don't like being called that. So, I'm sorry. I won't do it anymore."
Her eyes widen. Then, she comes over and shocks the hell out of me when she puts her hand to my forehead. She actually touches me. Then, she smiles.
"Ah, there we go. It all makes sense now. I knew you couldn't be feeling well," she says, satisfied. "You're burning up."
I just gape at her, unable to speak. She's touching me. Like really, actually touching me.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I stammer. "I'm fine."
She grins, and pulls her hand away. "Brady, honestly, the only time you're nice to me is when Collin is mad at you. And I've figured out over the years that the only reason for that is because you think he'll forgive you faster for whatever stupid thing you've done to make him mad in the first place."
I watch her in disbelief, amazed that she's picked up on that.
"I'm not… it's not because he's mad at me," I say.
She rolls her eyes. "Uh huh, right."
"It's not," I insist. She eyes me, skeptically. God, I feel like such a loser.
"So then, why?" she asks.
I blink. I wasn't actually expecting her to ask that. Is this when I tell her? Is this the part where I let her know that Collin and I are shape-shifters now, bound to protect the innocent humans from bloodthirsty vampires? And that I'm connected to her by an ancient magic that decided she is the one I'm meant to be with forever. Because I can't exactly leave that part out.
"I want to be friends," I say weakly, instead. I don't even believe myself.
She raises an eyebrow. "What? Really? Why?"
Because the ancient magic told me I had to. Because you're my imprint. Because Collin thinks you're amazing and he's in love with you, and even though I would have never told him if it hadn't been for the whole mind-reading thing, I hold his opinion in high regard.
"Don't you think it's time we got to know each other?" I ask, irritated now. "I mean, you practically live at my house, and I don't even know what your favorite color is. I know it's my fault, and I know I've been a jerk, but don't you think it's time we grew up and put that shit in the past?"
Her eyes narrow. "Who says I need to grow up?" she says, defiantly. "I've been nothing, but nice to you since we met. Why should I have to change?"
"Why do you have to be difficult? Why can't you just accept my apology?" I snap. Something tells me this is not the way to win her over. I tell that something to shut up.
"Because you're an asshole!" she exclaims. "And I'm suddenly supposed to believe that out of nowhere you want to be friends with me?"
I glare at her, stung by the asshole comment. She glares back, unfazed.
"Yes," I say, stubbornly.
"I'm not buying it." She crosses her arms over her chest. "Whatever is going on with you and Collin, fix it yourself."
With that, she whirls around and collides into Collin, who has materialized in the doorway. He glowers at me from over her head. I glower back, completely fed up with this whole situation. I know he's heard our conversation – probably the entire thing – and I don't care.
Knowing that I'm watching him closely, he slowly reaches out and runs his fingers down Cera Jane's bare arm until he reaches her hand. Then, he smirks at me and leads her back into the living room. I see red. I'm not in love with her, yet, but he knows that any physical contact he has with her is potential torture to me, and that it's not necessary.
Douche.
Two can play that game. Turning around, I exit out of the back door, strip quickly, and phase. I run straight back to Sam's house, howl in the backyard, and less than five minutes after that, he's in my head.
Damn, he says, witnessing what's just happened.
Something's got to give, I think at Sam. He silently agrees.
I know that deep down, hopefully much later in life, I'm going to regret the decision I'm about to make. But this isn't going to work out if it continues on this way. She's never going to be mine as long as she has him.
Put the order on him, Sam, I think, viciously. Tell him he can't date her, or interfere with the imprint in any way.
I feel Sam's hesitation. It was his idea, but he apparently didn't think I'd ever want him to go through with it.
Are you sure, Brady? Are you sure you wouldn't much rather do this the natural way, like make friends with her first, and then allow her to choose?
I already know my answer. There's nothing natural about any of this. If she's allowed to choose, she'll choose him, and I won't have a chance.
Collin's going to hate you.
I close my eyes and breathe. I open them and focus on Sam.
Do it.
3/3 – Cera Jane
I lean against the locker next to his, heart-pounding. I keep trying to convince myself that I have nothing to be nervous about – that this is Collin, my best friend, Collin, and that unless I've read all the signs wrong, he's as crazy about me as I am about him.
I take a deep breath.
"Hey," I say, interrupting his long run-on sentence about some teacher who gave him an excellent grade or whatever.
He looks at me in annoyance for interrupting. I ignore the look. What I have to say is far more important than an A-plus.
"So you know the homecoming dance…?" I say, awkwardly.
He nods, and looks away from me. He busies himself in his locker, and I frown. I was really hoping to do this with eye-contact, but whatever. Maybe this will make it easier.
"I was thinking, maybe we should go together?" I continue, my voice a slightly higher pitch than normal.
"As friends?" he asks, his voice low. Strangely, he still doesn't look at me.
"Oh, well… um, no? I was thinking, maybe as… uh, not friends…" I trail off.
He is about to close his locker, but when I say that, his hand tightens on the outside of it. He stops moving.
"I can't," he says, in a strange voice. It almost sounds like he's choking on something.
My heart falls out of my chest, and my stomach tightens.
"You… can't?" I say in an attempt to sound casual, but failing miserably.
"I'm not – " He stops talking and swallows several times. He's still not looking at me. I watch his hand as it tightens on the locker. The metal makes a slight groaning sound, and as he pulls his hand away, I register with some shock that he's dented it.
"Collin," I whisper, and he finally turns to look at me. His eyes look haunted. I recoil in surprise.
"I'm taking someone else."
I gasp, my eyes widen, and the pain that shoots through me is almost physical. He… what? I don't have words to describe the way I feel right now. I want to run away. I want to go back and have never had this conversation. I feel my knees getting weak, and I really, really hope I don't fall over.
"You're… what?" I finally work up the nerve to say.
"Taking someone else," he repeats, and the pain that goes through me for the second time is in no way lessened from the first time. He slams his locker shut. There are definitely finger-sized dents in the door.
"Who?" I choke on the word. I don't want to know who. I regret asking. I regret this entire day.
"Kayley," he says. "She's in my Spanish class." He watches me blankly, like he has no idea my heart is breaking into a zillion tiny pieces… like this isn't the biggest deal of my life… like we can just go back to being friends like everything is okay.
"She asked you?" I force myself to ask, aware that I'm shoving the knife in a little bit deeper. I don't want to know. I don't want to know any of this.
"No. I asked her yesterday. Come on, we're going to be late for trig," he says, turning to walk down the hallway.
He asked her. He asked her.
"Why?" I say, a little desperately. Why not me? Don't you get that I… that I'm in love with you? Don't you understand that I have been for years now, and that you and I are supposed to –
He laughs. Laughs! "Why all the questions, CJ? Are you jealous, or something?"
At that, I stop moving. I stand completely still in the hallway, and by the time he notices, he's several classrooms down. I feel a burning sensation behind my eyes, and to my horror, I realize that I'm about to cry.
"Cera Jane?" he says, turning around.
He called me CJ.
I turn and flee down the hall, towards the nearest bathroom. But I can't run fast enough. He catches up to me easily and grabs my arm.
"Hey!" he says, when I attempt to shake his hand off.
The tears cascade down my face. People stare at us on their way to class. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. And hurt.
"Cera Jane," he says, softly.
I shake my head, unable to look at him. I stare at the floor instead, wishing it would just open up and swallow me already.
"I'm sorry that I can't take you to the dance."
I glare at the neutral colored tiles. "You could if you wanted to," I mumble.
"But… I don't."
At that, the few remaining pieces of my heart shatter to the floor.
I snap my head up and stare at him. "What?" I can't believe what I've just heard. There's no way I read all of the signs wrong. He has to like me. Not to sound conceited, but he has to. It's impossible that he doesn't feel anything at all.
"I just don't feel that way about you," he says, uncomfortably. Now he's avoiding eye-contact. I know he's lying, but I can't possibly imagine why. And suddenly I decide that I don't want to know.
"Fine," I say, in the strongest voice I can muster. "You can go now."
It takes him a minute, then he says, "You're not coming to class?"
"No. I don't really want to be around you right now," I say, honestly. Something flickers in his eyes, but before I can read it or understand what's happening, he looks away from me again. I know something's up, but fine, whatever.
"'Kay," he mutters. He walks away without a backward glance, and I slip into the bathroom before the bell rings.
I stay there for the entire class.
I have one more class to go and I've successfully managed to avoid Collin all day. It isn't easy when we arranged our schedules in the beginning of the year to have as many classes together as possible. It will be more difficult tomorrow, but somehow I'll manage, even if I have to just change seats in every class.
Ugh, but this sucks so much, I can't help but think as I trudge to auto-shop class. I should've just kept my mouth shut.
I enter the room with my head down, and as a result I crash into a fellow classmate. I look up. Who else, but Brady? I sigh. I do not want to see his face right now. Sometimes, it really annoys me that they're identical.
He gives me a concerned glance, but I ignore him and keep walking to our table. Unfortunately, we sit at the same table in this class, which means that we're paired up for every two-person project the teacher gives out. I suppose I should consider myself lucky in that aspect. I'm the only girl in this class, and no one else wants to be paired up with me. Brady complained loudly at the beginning of the year, but he's obnoxious in that way, so I didn't take it personally. If it had been anyone else, I would have taken it personally.
I collapse into my seat and rest my head on my arms.
"Hey CJ," Brady says, softly, as he sits down next to me.
I turn my head and glare at him.
"Cera Jane," he quickly corrects. He gives me a sheepish grin, and surprisingly, I have to fight the urge to smile back.
"What's wrong?" he says, the grin slipping from his face.
I shake my head, and to my horror, the tears from earlier threaten to return as I feel that familiar burning sensation behind my eyes.
"Nothing," I manage to say, but he's not buying it.
"Nothing my ass," he says, rolling his eyes. Two guys pass by on the way to their seats, and glance at me.
"Do you have to curse so much?" I hiss at him, sitting up now.
He rests his chin in his hand, and pretends to think about it. I roll my eyes.
"No," he says. "I guess I don't."
I laugh against my will, causing his smile to return. For reasons I do not understand, my heart rate suddenly increases. I chalk it up to him looking like Collin, and I feel the tears coming back again.
"What's up?" he presses.
I shake my head.
He looks around. "You want to get out of here? We have two minutes until the bell rings. And you know Mr. Hummel is always late. He won't miss us."
I give another shaky laugh. "He'll miss me. I kind of stand out around here, being the only girl and all." I give him a once over. "And he'll miss you, too. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately you're hard to miss."
I blush at that, realizing only after I've spoken what it sounds like. Oh, well. I won't pretend I haven't checked him out before. I mean, he looks just like Collin, the boy I'm in love with.
Luckily for me, he just gives me a cheeky grin and holds out his hand. "'Do you trust me?'" he says, quoting Aladdin. In spite of myself, I smile.
"No!" I say, and it's his turn to roll his eyes as he grabs my hand anyway. He pulls me up, grabs my backpack, and together, we walk out of the classroom.
In spite of myself, I end up telling him everything. Brady is the last person I would ever expect to sit patiently and listen to me whine about Collin, but he does. And shockingly, he even seems interested in what I have to say.
We sit in a little restaurant, far away enough from the school so that we won't get caught, but close enough that everyone in there knows we're skipping. Everyone knows everyone, but judging by the winks they give us when we walk through the front doors – still hand-in-hand – they won't tell.
With a pang, I wondered if they thought he was Collin?
"I know something's going on," I say, frustrated. "I just wish he would tell me what it is, instead of lying."
"Did you ever consider that maybe Collin's not right for you?" he says, as he plays with his straw wrapper. He doesn't look up at me. He's too busy trying to tie his straw wrapper into a knot without ripping it.
"Yes. I consider it all the time, but I don't think so. He's… I mean, he's been my best friend, forever. Isn't it natural that we take the next step?" I ask. I reach out and place my hand over the straw wrapper. For some reason, it's irritating me that he's not looking at me.
He looks up in surprise, and his eyes meet mine. I feel myself blushing slightly, but I don't look away. He doesn't either.
"Maybe not," he says, and I'm confused for half a second until I realize that he's responding to my question. "Maybe you were only ever meant to be friends."
"No," I shake my head. "I really think – "
"You think too much," he interrupts. "So, you're not going to the dance with him. So what? So he doesn't see you the same way you see him. So what? So you don't get your shiny happily ever after 'I married my best friend in high school' fairy tale, and your life is now going to be completely different from what you thought it was going to be. So. What."
I stare at him open-mouthed. I feel anger beginning to creep up. "That's not very sensitive of you," I finally say.
"I'm not a very sensitive guy," he says, shrugging. "But honestly, so what? You and Collin? That was a fantasy of yours that you thought was going to come true. Nothing actually happened between you two. So it's not like you lost anything."
"But I…" I trail off, realizing what I am about to say to him. I'm in love with him. I can't tell Brady this, even if he is being super supportive right now. Who's to say he won't absorb this conversation and then go running back to Collin with the details?
But even as I think that, I know he wouldn't. Somehow, I just know he wouldn't.
"But you need someone else to go to the dance with," he says. "Someone who can make you feel special for a night so that you'll forget all about my stupid brother."
"Someone like you?" I say, sarcastically, just knowing that's what he's going to say next. It's too cliché for him to not say it.
His eyes darken. "Maybe," he says, simply. "But do me a favor. Don't agree to go with me just because you want to get back at Collin. I'm not playing games with either one of you."
"I'm not playing games, either," I retort, angry at myself because that very thought had crossed my mind. I'm normally not vindictive, but I can see how it would bother Collin, whether I intend it to or not.
"Good," he says, that obnoxious grin back on his face. "So… go with me."
I sit back in my chair and watch him. "Do me a favor," I say. "Don't ask me just because you feel sorry for me. I don't want to be anyone's pity date."
A look of annoyance crosses his features, and then the grin is back on his face, wider than ever.
"CJ… go to the dance with me."
I glare at him. He knows I hate that stupid nickname.
"Cera Jane, go to the dance with me."
I continue to glare at him, but to be perfectly honest, I've never seen Brady like this. It's weird that he would just skip class with me. It's weird that he would sit and listen to all of my problems. It's weird that he would give me the time of day, and make an effort to call me Cera Jane because he knows I dislike CJ. And it's weird that I'm sitting here in a restaurant with him.
"Why?" I say, stalling.
He rolls his eyes again. "I already told you. I want to be friends with you."
"So we're going as friends?" I ask, strangely disappointed.
"Yes. We're going as friends."
I stare at him for a moment longer, wondering what Collin would have to say about this. He will probably hate it. He will probably think I've lost my marbles. He will probably – no matter what I tell him – see it as me getting back at him. And it will probably affect our friendship… even worse than our friendship was affected today.
Looking back, I wonder why Collin never tried harder to get me to be friends with Brady. I'd think he would want the two closest people in his life to be friends with each other. But now I'm not so sure what he would want.
And looking at Brady now, I'm not so sure what I want, either.
But if we're going as friends…
"Okay," I say, somewhat hesitantly. "I'll go to the dance with you."
The smile he gives me carries not an ounce of obnoxious. It's so reminiscent of Collin that it makes my chest hurt for a moment.
Yeah, I'm really not sure what I want.
But I'm curious to find out.
- FadingSlowly