It had started by accident really. A simple misunderstanding. He mused as he ran his tongue down the others throat.
He had meant to stop after the first time. But if he was being honest, he hadn't wanted to. It just felt too good. It was too new; too exciting.
A smile graced his lips as he thrust hard in to his lover. "Iruka." She practically purred, clawing at his back.
He tried not to think about Kakashi. Where he was now. What he was doing. What it would do to him to know where he was right now. How he would react to finding his partner with another.
She interrupted his thoughts, wrapping her legs around his hips and pulling him closer to her with her calves. He groaned, relishing in the feel of her.
"Fuck me." She whispered seductively, biting her lower lip. He moaned, thrusting harder, deeper.
Kakashi was gone from his mind. Long forgotten in the throes of passion.
OoOoOoOo
Kakashi sat cross legged on their bed, leaning back against the wall. He watched the clock tick over to 10pm. He was beginning to get worried. Iruka had just gone out for drinks. He would be home soon. Or so he said.
He was finding it increasingly hard to concentrate on his book. Something about tonight not feeling right. Iruka hadn't been around much lately. Starting work early, finishing work late, and going out for drinks. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately for Kakashi, he happened to be one. His heart thumped loudly in his chest as he forced himself to reread the same paragraph for a 6th time.
It was his fault really. If he had of taken more time off or gone on less missions. Perhaps Iruka wouldn't feel the need to spend so much time with his friends. After all he needed someone to hang around with while Kakashi was away or he would get lonely.
Lonely like he was right now. Lonely like he had been nearly every night for at least the last 3 weeks.
He shut his book with a quick snap. He had been putting this off for far too long. It was time to know for sure. His hand shook as he lifted it to nick his thumb on his tooth. Leaning over he slammed his hand down on the window sill, watching impatiently as Pakkun appeared out of thin air.
"What's up boss?" He asked. He could practically smell the sadness radiating from him, but voiced no concern.
"I want to find Iruka." He said softly. "Can you help me?"
"Of course I can." Pakkun answered cheerily. "Find me something of his so I can make sure I'm looking for the right scent."
Kakashi stood, pulling his mask up as he rummaged through some clothes on the floor. He picked up a shirt and set it down in front of Pakkun as he tied on his headband, pulling it down over his Sharingan.
The dog grimaced as he got a whiff of the shirt. It definitely smelt like Iruka, but also someone else. Someone that was not his master. In fact he couldn't smell Kakashi's scent at all. He sighed inwardly. He understood now why his friend had summoned him at this hour and why he could feel Kakashi's nerves as if they were his own.
"Alright. I got it. Let's go." The pug ordered as the Jounin tied a scarf around his neck. It was starting to snow. Only lightly, but enough to chill the room as he opened the window.
Leaping from it he followed the Ninken through the village, occasionally jumping down in to the street only to be lead back up to the rooftops again. His heart continued to thump loudly, rattling his ribcage. He knew Iruka wasn't having drinks with his friends. He knew he hadn't been working late either. Or helping Naruto with something. Lame excuses, all of them. But he needed him. He needed him for life to be okay again. Life was so bad… So not worth living. But Iruka made it worth it.
He refused to believe that after all this time he had finally decided it was okay to let someone else in to his heart. To let them through the numerous defences he used to make sure no one ever really got to know him. Let him see through his sarcasm, laziness, stubbornness, arrogance and even his confidence. He let him see the real him. The small boy that had found his Father dead. The unwanted child that grew up with no friends, because when he finally, finally made some, they died… because of him. The kid that started wearing a mask to be taken seriously at a young age. That was now a war veteran Jounin that wore it so that people would not be able to see his pain. The teenager that loved his Sensei like a Father and was absolutely destroyed when he was killed.
The man, that carried so much guilt around every day, sometimes he was not sure how he managed to get up in the mornings before Iruka made it worth it.
He refused to believe that after all that. Iruka would betray him. But there he was… running his tongue down some woman's throat as she screamed his name. He was grunting, panting and screaming hers.
Pakkun had stopped on a branch of a large tree, right outside the bedroom window of an apartment complex he had never visited. Kakashi hadn't realised they had stopped at first, too lost in his own thoughts. But when his eye had focused on the truth in front of him he understood why the dog was muttering obscenities and huffing.
Tears stung his eye as he clutched at his heart, refusing to let them fall. His world crumbled around him and his knees felt weak. His breath coming in short, stuttered gasps.
He was right. He had lost someone else. Someone he had promised to protect, to love and to cherish. One more person for the long list of loss. His heart beat hard. So painful in his chest as he thought about the memorial stone. About Obito, Rin and Sensei. Iruka's name may as we'll be carved next to theirs. Because he was lost to Kakashi.
Pakkun looked up at his master from the branch they were both knelt on, worry crossing his tiny face.
"Boss?" He asked. "You alright?"
Kakashi nodded faintly, his eyes closed. He was in pain, emotional and physical. Pakkun moved closer to him, rubbing his cheek on the man's calf. "There's no point in watching. It's just hurting you."
The Jounin nodded his agreement, trying his best to stand, stumbling slightly. He made to jump from the branch but his feet failed him. He vaguely heard Pakkun yell after him as he fell with a thump in to the thin layer of snow under the tree. He opened his eyes, his body felt numb. He stared up at the falling snow, flowing delicately around him. Pakkun's face appearing in front of him. He saw the concern in the dog's eyes but muttered reassurance and he scooped him up and formed the seals to teleport back to his empty apartment.
OoOoOoOo
It was well over 3 hours later before Kakashi felt Iruka's chakra advancing towards the bedroom they share. He stared at the wall in front of him, trying in vain to sink further in to the sheets, his hands clenched in to fists bringing the quilt close to his chest. Pakkun yawned at his feet, a small very canine sound coming from his throat.
Iruka slipped in to bed behind him and Kakashi felt his breath hitch as an arm snaked over his side and a hand pulled his out of its fisted state, fingers lacing with his.
"Drinks ran late." Iruka whispered, his breath hot on the other man's ear. "I missed you."
Kakashi felt the sudden urge to vomit rising in him and willed it back down forcefully. He smelt like sex. He hadn't even showered.
He wanted to scream. To throw his partner across the room and beat him to a pulp. To accuse him of what he knew to be true and to cry as the Chunin confessed to his sins. But most of all he wanted to be held. To be comforted. His heart was hurting and he wanted someone to help him stop it. He trembled as the hand that was laced with his squeezed lightly.
He allowed the teacher's hands to caress his arms and side, lovingly. Pretending to be asleep as the smooth fingers cupped his unmasked face. It took all of his concentration to keep his features neutral and stop his face from contorting in agony. Pakkun moved up the bed to curl against Kakashi's front; his tail beat happily against his chest, reminding him of a slow and steady heartbeat. He wondered if the pug did it on purpose, knowing it would calm him. He wasn't usually one for cuddling, so he suspected so. The Jounin was extremely grateful to the dog that knew him so well. He would never ask his Ninken for the comfort he needed. Pakkun knew this and decided to offer it anyway.
Part of him wished Iruka would just embrace him. Wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight, holding the hurt at bay. But he did no such thing. Slowly the light petting stopped and the Chunin rolled over to face the other direction. Kakashi exhaled sharply as the pain in his chest worsened.
Does he still love me?
OoOoOoOo
The Jounin awoke in the morning to an empty bed. His heart sank as he thought about the night before and wondered gloomily why Iruka had gone to work without saying goodbye or if he had even gone to work at all.
Pakkun's small nails clipped on the wooden floor as he approached the bed. Jumping up he padded over to the copy Nin's face and dropped a small scroll in front of him. He petted the dog's head, an unspoken thank you and a promise to get up and feed him soon.
Unrolling the scroll he wasn't surprised to see Iruka's hastily scrawled hand writing letting him know he was sorry for leaving so early and didn't want to wake him because he looked like he didn't sleep very well. The note hadn't elaborated on where he had gone but Kakashi supposed it was assumed he went to the academy. Because after all, it was a work day.
"What time did he leave?" He asked the pug as he peered over at his alarm clock.
10am.
How long had he been gone for? He didn't really want to know.
"About 5am." The pup answered, watching his boss's face sadly. Kakashi nodded, leaving the words: 'Work starts at 8.' unsaid. He didn't want Pakkun to feel sorry for him, regardless of the fact that he had practically spooned with him the night before.
Slowly he stood. First order of business was to feed Pakkun. A thank you for the security he offered at this sad time.
Reluctantly, he showered; lingering a little longer than usual under the warm spray. He was already 2 hours late to meet his team. What was another hour really?
He didn't want to go. He wanted to crawl back in to bed and never wake up again. Part of him wanted to go to the Academy and confront Iruka, but the other part wanted to keep on pretending he didn't know. Because once the secret was out… what was the point in keeping it a secret anymore. He thought miserably. Iruka would leave him, move on with that beautiful woman and they would be happy forever while Kakashi slipped quietly in to the Hokage's office, demanding a solo mission that would 'go wrong'. He mused as he dressed. He would be considered a hero for giving his life for Konoha. He could have his name carved in to the stone next to his friends and he could finally move on, never feeling pain again.
He made his way to the bridge where he was supposed to meet his team, skipping breakfast all together. He felt too sick to eat anyway. Dark thoughts kept clouding his mind. He felt like it was being torn in half. Stay with Iruka and be quietly tortured every day for the rest of his life, or however long the Chunin could keep up the charade…. Or quietly slip away. Iruka would be upset at first. But it would be for the best.
He would be happier in the end. I wouldn't be there to hold him back anymore.
He thought, his heart feeling like it may have stopped beating for a second. The bridge was coming in to sight. He needed to get a hold of himself.
OoOoOoOo
"Finalllllyyyyy!" Came the long drawn out drone of an impatient Jinchuriki as the Sensei approached his team.
"Don't you normally teleport here?" Sakura asked tenaciously.
Sasuke was right. She IS annoying.
"Well today I decided to walk." He answered, his visible eye crinkling in a smile while he mouth stayed impartial.
"But you were already late." Naruto piped up again.
"I'm afraid I got lost on the path of life." Kakashi stated, somewhat whimsically. Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"At least come up with some new excuses." He glared. Kakashi wondered if punching the last Uchiha in the village would cost him his job. Probably not. Konoha was pretty short staffed at the moment.
"Hey! Are you even listening Kakashi Sensei?!" Naruto shouted, bounding towards him. "Let's go! I want to get our training done!" He was practically vibrating with enthusiasm.
"Why are you so eager to be done? Usually you're the last one to want to leave." Kakashi asked as he led them towards the training grounds. The snow from the night before had melted, leaving everything feeling slightly mushy, yet strangely fresh. Kakashi's sandals squished in to the moist ground as he listened to the boy's explanation.
"Kiba has started a betting pool. Tonight we are all getting together and putting in our candy and then we are going to have a Shogi tournament! And I got a hot tip this morning about a certain someone. I need to get to the store to buy more candy before it closes so I can get in on it. I… kinda ate all mine while I was waiting for you Sensei."
Kakashi smiled at the boy's light heartedness.
Who would have thought that boy had had such a terrible childhood? He's so… chipper. What's wrong with me?
It was a longer explanation than he had expected but an amusing one that had taken them almost all the way to their destination. Sasuke elbowed the blonde, hard.
"Just go ahead and tell all the adults why don't you?" He snapped sarcastically.
"I don't care, I won't tell anyone." Kakashi said in his familiar lazy drawl. He sat down against his favourite tree and pulled Icha Icha Paradise from his back pouch.
Children gambling. Reading porn in public. I'm not exactly one to turn my nose up at social taboos.
"Do the… Thing with the targets." He yawned, pointing in the general direction of the Shuriken practise targets. The three of them exchanged a look. Kakashi had always been lazy. But this was a new level of lazy.
"Are you alright Kakashi Sensei?" Sakura asked cautiously, bending down to his eye level.
"Yep." He answered, not meeting her eyes and turning the page he had just pretended to read. "Targets." He reiterated, pointing again. They stepped back, eyeing him suspiciously as they moved towards the boards and began practise. Each of them made a mental note to watch him carefully for a while. If his behaviour continued like this for any longer than a couple of days they would have to tell someone. They hated seeing their Sensei out of sorts.
Kakashi sighed, his eye sliding out of focus and trying to think about something other than his personal life. He really had intended to read his book. But the page he had opened on was incredibly graphic. As he began reading about Junko, panting as a dark and handsome man ploughed his pulsing member in to her; he had thought about the night before. The nameless woman that was also panting, moaning and crying out. But she was screaming Iruka's name. His Iruka.
He shuddered, closing the book and putting it away. Instead choosing to let his unfocused eye wonder towards his team. He wasn't stupid and neither were they. He knew if he kept this up someone would say something to someone. The first someone most likely being Naruto and the second being Iruka. That's just what he needed. A nosey 13 year old telling his cheating boyfriend that he hadn't been teaching him properly.
He closed his eye, his head starting to hurt. Pretending to supervise was exhausting.
OoOoOoOo
Kakashi's heart leapt as he walked in to his apartment, recognising Iruka's chakra immediately. He was actually home. He pulled down his mask, grinning excitedly. It had been a long time since his partner was home before him. Regardless of what he now knew, he couldn't help being excited at the prospect of spending time with the Chunin. He was so lonely of late. Feeling incredibly neglected.
"Hey." Iruka smiled, as he entered from the bedroom, walking straight passed him to flop down on the couch, pulling a stack of ungraded papers towards him. Kakashi felt foolish, pulling his mask back in place when he realised the other wasn't going to kiss him.
Of course he wasn't… He doesn't need to…
Iruka eyed him suspiciously. "What's wrong?" He asked. "You don't usually wear your mask at home. Feeling self-conscious?" He teased. Kakashi waved him off, pretending to smile like he had earlier. Iruka was joking of course but the Jounin suddenly realised he had never felt more small, unworthy and self-conscious in his entire life.
At a loss of what to do now he walked in to their bedroom and through to the adjoining bathroom. He locked the door behind him, pulling down his mask once again to expose his face, flushed from embarrassment. He stared at himself in the mirror for a while, wondering why he ever took the mask off. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he rubbed at them harshly with the back of his hand. Iruka had no idea what he had done to him with those words and if he did, he didn't care. He changed in to the pyjamas he had worn the night before, forgoing a shower. His boyfriend obviously didn't want to be near his body right now, so it didn't matter. He was getting all the closeness he needed from another.
A thought struck him suddenly. He gaped for a second. Surely not. He was a ninja. He would be able to sense if someone else had been here… But… Would he? In their bed? No… He was being stupid. He had already seen her once today…
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as bile began to rise. He failed, leaning over the sink and throwing up the contents of his stomach which wasn't much as he hadn't eaten all day. He dry reached as quietly as possible. The last thing he needed was for Iruka to think he was sick. He would either come running and find him locked in the bathroom, barely holding himself together or he would just listen from the lounge room and continue grading his papers. He wasn't sure which was worse.
He wiped at his mouth and watery eyes as he turned the tap on to wash away the evidence of his discomfort. He felt shaky. It was so hard to take normal breaths but he ignored it. Pushing the thoughts back as he fought like crazy to keep pretending everything was normal. Everything was okay. He was okay.
Finally leaving the bathroom he hovered for a second in the bedroom. Not really wanting to be near his lover right now, but wanting so badly to curl up next to him. The Chunin's hands running over his body, kissing him and telling him everything he was trying so hard to convince himself of was true. Everything was ok. He was ok. He needed someone to tell him that before he really did slip away.
It had been weeks since they really had any close contact besides light petting in bed. Weeks since they made love. He thought bitterly. That in its self was a sign that things were not normal. Kakashi's pinpointed the start of the affair to somewhere in the beginning of last month. The two years they had spent together before that were filled with so much passion. Beautiful, tantric, erotic sex that would make even Jiraiya blush. But somewhere along the line it had stopped.
At first he hadn't thought it odd. Iruka was often tired when he came home from the academy. A full day of running around after children does that to you. When the Chunin had gently removed his roaming hands and told him he wasn't up to it, he had thought nothing of it. It wasn't until 2 weeks later when he had come home from a 4 day mission. He had found himself hiding from Iruka, masturbating quietly in the bathroom like a horny teenager after being rejected for what felt like the 100th. That was when he started to worry that something was amiss. Iruka was always waiting for him when he got home. Arms wide opened and penis hard as a rock.
Kakashi sighed dejectedly. If he didn't leave the bedroom soon the other man would come looking for him. Or would he? He winced at a sharp pain in the chest as he thought about how much longer he could keep this up. How long would it be before Iruka left him all together?
Another one gone
His steps faltered as he left the bedroom. He toppled slightly, grabbing the door frame for support. Iruka looked up at him from his papers.
"You alright?" He asked, half heatedly. Kakashi nodded.
"Just tired." He answered, making his way towards the kitchen. A month ago his partner would have rushed to his side, demanding he seek out a doctor after a small stumble.
I guess he just doesn't care anymore…
He pushed back the thought. Encouraging himself to function like a normal human. Pulling vegetables from the fridge and setting up a cutting board.
"Dinner?" He asked hopefully as he started chopping.
At least he will sit with me while we eat.
"Uh… Yeah?" Iruka answered uncertainly.
"What?" Kakashi asked, focusing on the vegetables. Struggling hard to keep his fingers out of the way of the knife.
Or… maybe not.
"Well I have to go out for a bit. But I'll hopefully be back in time for dinner." He said, as he stood. Kakashi's hand stilled. He put the knife down next to the cutting board, staring at it for a second.
"Where are you going?" he forced himself to ask, trying to remain calm. He knew where the dolphin was going. The thought made him want to take that knife and shove it through his stomach.
That's how Hatake's solve their problems isn't it?
"I told Naruto I'd help him put up a shelf." Iruka lied through his teeth as he pulled on his jacket. Kakashi felt another twinge in his heart as he recalled his earlier conversation with Naruto. He doubted Iruka was in on their betting pool. The Chunin would never condone such things. He eyed the knife longingly. "I wish I could stay and help with dinner but this really can't wait." Iruka continued, digging his own grave deeper. The Jounin exhaled shakily, not wanting to turn around and give Iruka another reason to leave. He was an elite Shinobi. They didn't cry. Iruka didn't need to see him cry.
"Don't go." He said, his voice as even as he could muster. Iruka turned to look at him incredulously.
"I won't be gone long." He scoffed, heading towards the door. Kakashi's hands fisted on the countertop.
"Don't go." He repeated, more forcefully this time. Iruka stopped in front of the door and sighed. If he noticed the other man's shoulders shaking he didn't acknowledge it.
"Ok, ok. I promise I'll be back within the hour. I won't miss dinner." He said reassuringly, turning the knob. Kakashi tuned around to watch as the other man slipped through the door.
"Please don't go!" He heard himself pleading. "Please!" The hurt in his voice caught Iruka off guard. He stepped back inside in time to see Kakashi clenching at his chest, pain etched on his tear stained face as he swayed slightly before falling backwards against the counter and sliding down it. In the 5 steps it took Iruka to cross the apartment his partners breathing had become extremely erratic. The copy Nin sobbed openly, vaguely aware of the other man shaking his shoulders and calling his name. His vision blurred and the room swirled as he finally lost consciousness.
OoOoOoOo
"M'lady. You're needed in the hospital right away!" Shizune shouted, worry clearly crossing her features as she hopped nervously from one foot to the other.
"What's the problem?" Tsunade snapped, pushing the books on her desk aside so she could get a good look at her assistant.
"It's Kakashi Sensei Mam… We think he's had a heart attack."
"A heart attack? Hatake?" She confirmed as she rounded her desk.
"Yes M'lady. Kakashi Hatake."
Tsunade laughed, pushing past her friend and bustling in to the corridor. Shizune wasn't sure what was funny and was afraid to ask.
"Hatake is one of the most elite Jounin we have. He's fit and perfectly healthy. He eats well and barely ever drinks. He doesn't smoke. I highly doubt he has had a heart attack." The Godaime sneered, looking over her shoulder at the other woman. "This better not be one of his tricks to try and get out of work." She warned. "This better be serious."
Iruka paced nervously outside the room Kakashi had been taken in to when he teleported them in to emergency. He heard the heavy bustle and shuffling of footsteps and knew who was on her way. He looked up anyway, wanting to catch her eye as she walked passed him. To his surprise she stopped in front of him.
"Don't worry Sensei. I'm sure he's fine." She said simply before entering the room, leaving him to nod at Shizune, who smiled faintly before following inside.
"He hasn't had a heart attack." The medical Nin in the room reported without being asked. "But he has had heart attack like symptoms. Sharp chest pains and shortness of breath. He briefly lost consciousness, which was lucky because I doubt we would have been allowed to examine him if he hadn't." He added, turning to glare at Kakashi who was sitting up in the hospital bed. Shirtless and to Tsunade's surprise, maskless.
Kakashi glared back, the Sharingan spinning wildly. Tsunade took the chart from the medical Nin and dismissed him and Shizune, instructing her to tell Iruka outside to wait there until she called on him. She made her way over to the silver haired man, stopping next to his bed and smiling wearily.
"Now listen here brat." She started, annoyance clearly in her tone but also a hint of something he couldn't decipher. "There is clearly something wrong with you and we are going to get to the bottom of this. I'm trying to help you so you need to work with me. No tricks, no deceptions, no games. Understand?"
Kakashi nodded, avoiding her gaze. She felt bad for him. It was amazing just how much he hid under that mask. She had seen him without it before of course, being the Hokage and the person who took over his work physicals.. He was a handsome man. She had often wondered why he wore it. But now… Now she understood. Without the mask she could see the minor flush of embarrassment and the slight wetness on his cheeks from his earlier tears. The pain that he probably thought was so masterfully hidden was written on his impartial face for the world to see. She felt that without his mask she could see in to his soul. The real Kakashi Hatake was sitting in front of her. Not the lazy, disinterested fake that she had been dealing with all these years.
Her thoughts were interrupted by his sad eyes locking on to hers. She could tell he was suffering from extreme emotional stress just by looking at him. It was hard to be professional with someone she cared about. She wasn't exactly close with Kakashi but she suspected that in reality, she was probably closer than he ever allowed anyone else to get.
She moved towards him, focusing some Chakra in to her hands and moving them over his chest. She was sure without examining him that she already knew what was wrong. But she had to check for herself that he had not had a heart attack. She would never forgive herself if she assumed his heart was healthy and he died from it later.
Confirming her suspicions she, she stepped back, hands on hips.
"Kakashi." She started, not quite sure what to say. "I think you have Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy."
"I'm not a medical Nin." He said softly, annoyance in his own tone.
"It's a condition caused by severe emotional stress. The symptoms mimic that of a heart attack. But it's actually just a temporary weakening of the heart muscle. You should be fine. Provided you get treatment."
She was surprised when he didn't object. He just sat there, staring at the sheet over his lap. He didn't object to the notion of treatment. But most worryingly, he didn't object to the idea of himself being under emotional stress.
Kakashi Hatake was a proud man. For him to willingly admit weakness must mean something was terribly wrong. She suspected all the tragedy surrounding him had finally caught up to him. She knew it would one day.
Every Jounin in her village was subjected to regular mandatory counciling. Most of them benefited from it. Kakashi however, remained silent for the whole hour. Either reading his smut or sleeping. Much to the councillor's dismay. He never had anything to report about the Copy Nin, except for the fact that he was obviously in deep denial. She knew he would break one day. It was just a matter of when.
"Have you been spending extra time at the memorial stone lately?" She offered, trying to get him to start talking so they could get to the bottom of what was causing the problem. He shook his head, his hands fisting in the sheets.
"I haven't been in weeks." He said faintly. "No one died. But…" He stopped himself before he could say the words.
I've lost someone.
Saying them would make them real. He was not about to lose it again. Not in front of Tsunade. He would never live it down.
"But what?" She asked. She wasn't going to let it go. The heart monitor beeped loudly as his heartbeat sped up. The pains in his chest returned and he found himself wrapping his arms around himself, breathing deeply, trying to calm down. She hurt for him, he was obviously incredibly distressed.
"I'll get Iruka for you." She said, taking a step before his hand was on her wrist.
"No." He said simply. She stared at him.
"You need to be comforted right now brat and I'm hardly the best person for the job."
"No." He repeated weakly. "He's the reason." He elaborated. Tsunade gawked.
"What?" She asked, not quite sure what he meant by that. Had they broken up?
"He…. He's got… H-he's cheating on me." He finally stuttered out. His face and neck turning a bright shade of red as he admitted his biggest insecurity. He was pathetic. Sitting in front of the most powerful woman in Konoha. The leader of the village. About to lose it. About to cry. Holding her wrist to…
He suddenly realized he wasn't only holding her wrist to stop her from getting Iruka. It was to stop her from leaving all together. He let go abruptly, pulling his hand away as if he had been burned and sitting it in his lap. It was shaking. Her heart broke for him. He was such a proud man… so private. But now his life was on display. His deepest fears exposed and coming true before his eyes. She exhaled slowly as she realized that his biggest fear, the one he tried so adamantly to hide from everyone around him with his mask and his fake personality… was being alone.
"What's the treatment plan like?" He suddenly asked, closing his eyes. He didn't want Iruka in here. He didn't want her to leave. He didn't want to be here. His mind reeled as he tried to work out what he DID want. He didn't really care what the treatment involved. He just wanted to focus the conversation on something else. Anything else…
"I think I can do something for you now. But long term treatment will be different." She answered sadly. He nodded wearily in understanding. His eyes opened in shock as he felt her arms wrap around him. She hugged him tight, patting his back softly. "This is not your fault." She whispered in his ear. He felt his resolve start to fall at the unexpected comfort. His eyes watering involuntarily. His cheeks flushed even further at the prospect of him, the great copy Nin, weeping in front of the Godaime. "This is not your fault Kakashi." She repeated, seemingly following his train of thought.
"It is." He choked out, anger filling him at how vulnerable he sounded. "I could have been a better…"
"It's not." She repeated, cutting him off and squeezing him even tighter. To his horror he felt his muscles relax as his body gave in to the embrace he desperately needed. It had been so long since someone had held him. Properly held him. His forehead fell on to her shoulder as she sat down on his bed, her arms still fixed tightly around his shaking shoulders.
"You'll be staying here tonight." She whispered sweetly. "I want to keep you attached to the heart monitors and frankly, it wouldn't do you any good to send you home alone anyway."
Kakashi whimpered softly, his tears wetting her shirt and his hands fisting at the back of her jacket. His small cries turning in to sobs as he felt the tension from the past few days start to leave his body.
When he had first gotten with Iruka he realised that it had been over 10 years since someone had hugged him and it nearly tore him apart. He had been suppressing his need for comfort, pretending it didn't exist. But Iruka broke through that wall and was there to pick him up afterwards. He hated how needy loving someone had made him. He never needed anyone before. He was fine being alone.
With a harsh cry he realised that it had been nearly a month since Iruka had hugged him. Really hugged him. He shook uncontrollably as Tsunade held him to her, whispering softly in his ear, reassuring him everything was fine. Petting his back lightly and running her hands through his hair.
She really shouldn't be taking such a personal interest in a patient. But she felt a strong maternal instinct to protect the boy. He was still young after all. Unmarried and childless. She would not let him end up like Sakumo.
"It's alright Kakashi." She sighed, swiping the tears away from his cheeks. "Hang in there."
OoOoOoOo
Iruka's patience was wearing thin. He continued pacing irritably up and down the hospital corridor. There was something wrong with Kakashi. His Kakashi and no one would tell him a thing. Tsunade was taking her time in that room. All of the worst scenarios possible had been running through his head since they arrived. Whatever she had to tell Kakashi, it wasn't good news. He was sure of it.
Finally his patience snapped. He strode up to the door defiantly sliding it opened. Moving inside he stopped dead, his mouth falling opened in shock. Tsunade's head snapped up, a scowl crossing her features as she realised it was the teacher that had invaded Kakashi's privacy. The one person he shouldn't be seeing right now.
Iruka floundered for a second, not sure if it was best to stay or go. Either way he was going to endure the Godaime's wrath. She stood abruptly, squeezing Kakashi's shoulder one last time, then leaning down and whispering something before powering towards him. He felt his stomach lurch. The last thing he had expected to see was his boyfriend crying. He must have gotten terrible news.
"Lady Tsunade." Iruka began, intent to get to the bottom of the situation.
"Outside Umino!" She ordered, practically grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and throwing him. She closed the door behind her as he rubbed his neck in surprise.
"What's the matter with Kakashi?" He asked lamely, leaning back slightly as she took another step towards him.
"Kakashi has Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy." She said sternly, glowering at him, even though she knew she shouldn't be bias. Iruka's eyes widened. That sounded serious.
"What is it?" He asked, worry evident in his wavering voice.
"It's a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart, caused by emotional stress."
"Emotional stress?" Iruka repeated.
"The laymens term for it is Broken Heart Syndrome." She continued.
"Broken Heart Syndrome… But, why?" Iruka asked again, his head spinning. "Kakashi has been perfectly happy of late… He's even stopped going to the memorial stone as often." He mused, more to himself than the Hokage.
"He knows, Iruka." She said simply, walking passed him.
"Knows what?" He asked, his eyes following her. She turned her head to face him, her eyes boring in to him.
"He knows." She repeated somewhat cryptically, before moving on her way. Iruka thought for a second. Thought back to the days before, the weeks before, the months before. His blood ran cold as he had a sudden realisation.
He knows…