Alright, I don't want this to offend anyone. It's just something me and a few other Bleach friends were joking about one night and I found it funny so I decided to write this! I hope anyone who reads this finds it as chuckle-worthy as we do! Again I'm not trying to offend ANYONE this is purely for entertainment. So I hope you enjoy this crack-ish oneshot, Yamamoto's Master Plan.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
"You have all failed, and now I will stand at the top." Aizen intoned deeply, "As I recall I once said this. And now it will come to pass, you can't say I didn't warn you."
Aizen gave them one last smirk before turning and gently picking up Yamamoto's key to the Soul King's realm.
He stabbed the air with the golden, ancient key and twisted as it fit into a suddenly appearing lock. The sky split down the middle and two giant doors opened up, bright white light spilling onto the earth. Ichigo and the others were forced to cover their eyes and look away, the pure light was so blinding and bright.
Aizen allowed himself a triumphant laugh before stepping into the light and through the ornately carved, huge wooden doors. They slammed closed behind him with chilling finality.
Ichigo let himself stare at the space where Aizen had been blankly.
He had failed.
But he was not the only one who despaired. They had all been unable to stop him.
All present allowed themselves to despair and mourn. They had lost the battle, lost the war, and their comrades had been injured for nothing.
Ichigo especially despaired for Orihime. He had brought her back to the world just for her to watch it fade away and change drastically. He had rescued her for nothing. Because he failed.
Then, in another brilliant flash, the large and beautiful doors reappeared. They were struck by something and flew outwards, but did not open as if they were locked. The banging and movement persisted, and if possible, grew increasingly more desperate. There was a sudden high pitched shriek of terror and then silence.
The doors finally opened, and a catatonic Aizen slipped to the air below, shaking, shuddering, and sobbing.
He was mumbling something and Captain Kyoraku moved closer to investigate. After listing for a second he looked up, shocked.
"What's he saying Shun?" Captain Ukitake asked.
"He's saying…'I don't wanna go back' and 'Don't let him near me,' I think ." Ukitake's oldest friend replied.
All looked on in confusion, and then someone began laughing.
Shinji at first chuckled, but now was laughing an all out, belly-ache, tear filled laugh. He clutched his sides and tried to stop, but found he couldn't
Hiyori studied him for a moment, looking at him like he was crazy.
"It's- laugh- just to- laugh- damn ironic!" Shinji managed to gasp.
Hiyori raised an eyebrow and Shinji calmed enough to explain through giggles.
"He finally- giggle- got what he wanted and- giggle- it made him scream and cry." Shinji started up again after his explanation and couldn't seem to be able to get a hold of himself.
The other Vizards had all begun to smile, snicker, and giggle thanks to their leader and were trying desperately to hold it in.
Even Hiyori smirked.
Yamamoto appeared before Aizen, and he once again let out an extremely high pitched shriek, followed by cowering behind Captain Kyoraku while sobbing.
Yamamoto raised one brow before gesturing to Soi Fon. The smaller woman took Aizen's arm and lifted him to his feet before leading him off to some secret place no one else knew about. Soon they heard a strangled cry and a sharp "let go of me you oaf!" as Soi Fon suddenly reappeared, Aizen hugging her knees and sobbing out his thanks for getting him away from it.
She kicked him and handed him over to her vice captain to handle, sniffing indignantly.
The others were still in shock, all but the Vizards who were all laughing at their once great enemy.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx
A month passes.
"I wonder what happened to him?" Ichigo muses aloud for the billionth time.
It has become a favored pastime, playing the "make up what happened to Aizen game", for the substitute and his companions.
"Maybe the soul king turned him into a newt?" Rukia supplied, lazing next to Renji while reading one of her outrageous manga.
The entire room's occupants stared at her with raised brows.
"A newt?" Kisuke drawled, contemplating her scenario.
"A newt…really?" Renji asks.
"He got better…" she mumbled, going back to her manga.
Orihime, who had been brooding in the corner, suddenly snaps her fingers.
"That's it!" she cries almost excitedly.
Yoruichi, who had been lazing next to Orihime in the sun, jumps at her sudden outcry.
"What's it?" Ichigo asks.
"I know what happened." Orihime says seriously.
"…what happened?" Rukia asks carefully.
"We all know that Yamamoto-sama was the first Shinigami. He was the first to really be anything, right?" she directed her question at Kisuke and Yoruichi.
"No…well…yes actually." Kisuke answered, his brow furrowing.
"Where are you going with this Orihime?" Rukia asked, not really following.
"It's simple. Yamamoto is God." Orihime stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Um…Orihime.." Rukia began.
"Let me explain." Orihime said and launched into her account.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx
It all began after the seven days in which God used to create the Earth and all of its inhabitants. After the seventh day, as you can imagine, God became what can best be described as bored. After the whole Adam and Eve escapade, he had nothing to do. Which can also be explained. Adam was really Gin and Eve was actually Rangiku. They were created as the first two human beings and lived happily until the serpent arrived. Who the snake is hasn't been figured out yet, but there are a few theories…Aizen anyone? He did lead them both astray…
But that's are getting away from our current theory.
Anyways, God, or Yamamoto was bored. He looked into the future and discovered that manga was very popular. And that's how it happened. The idea for God's very own manga was created. But this would be much more than a manga. It would be an anime, manga, and cosplay bonanza!
Moving on, time passed. God couldn't do all of this himself, of course. That's why we haven't heard from any angels in quite a while. He has them all running various errands and playing various roles. These angels would most likely be the ones he trusts the most…
Why do hollows wear masks? Simple, to hide their faces and shame from those sent to judge them. Either that or they were just jumped by a group of angels and forced into ridiculously awesome costumes to help the cause.
Hollows are not actual demons, but we have encountered a true demon. Ayon. Apache, Mila Rose, and Sung-Sun used what was most likely an old summoning technique and brought forth Ayon from the pits of hell. That's most likely why Yamamoto panicked so much when he appeared and took personal interest in him when he had so much faith in his captains and vice captains.
And what about the ones that have the more important jobs in heaven? Those that make it tick? Only someone with a stoic appearance and stuffy disposition could handle such pressure! And they would most likely wear some sort of garment that distinguishes their rank. Someone that noble couldn't go without being at least secretly recognized.
And those that defend heaven? A group of hardened warriors with a fearless leader that could not be beaten? Well…is explanation necessary?
So what really happened in the King's Realm? Yamamoto most likely did something so unspeakable to a mere man who thought he could take on God that would kill us, just thinking about it.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx
Those sitting in the cafeteria like area in the first divisions grounds stared at Orihime with bemused and shocked expressions.
Then they all laughed.
"That's the best one yet!" Renji exclaimed.
"Good one Orihime!" Rukia chuckled.
"Next she'll be saying Saskibe-san is Jesus!" Ichigo added as they all stood to leave.
"Yeah, Jesus. Very entertaining Inoue-san." Ukitake chuckled weakly, his face pale.
Behind them, Saskibe stood frozen and Yamamoto stared wide eyed at the auburn haired young woman.
"It was even funnier with Rukia's crappy drawings." Renji was saying as they opened the doors.
"Are you okay Ukitake-san?" Orihime asked the white haired captain.
"Just feeling a tad unwell." he responded quickly.
As soon as the group was gone Saskibe prepared for the worst. He studied his Captain's hunched back and waited.
"Damn! A mere human! I can put up with every single one of those damn Kuchikis figuring it out, but a mortal!" Yamamoto ground out between clenched teeth.
"I'm very sorry, should we…well we can't invite her to the King's Kingdom like we usually do as a reward for figuring it out, so what shall we do?" Saskibe asked.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We're going to forget this ever happened. Now I'm going out and I will return later. Take care of things while I'm gone."
"Yes, father." Saskibe answered before turning and leaving the man that had shown and taught him everything.
He had once gone by a very different name, but he played along with his father's most enjoyable pastime just like the others.
Yamamoto strolled down the hallway with a stony expression. And then, quite unexpectedly, he began to laugh.
"A mere mortal figured out my greatest secret, explaining everything in perfect detail." he mused aloud, "I'll have to inform her brother, he'll be very proud…and they all think she's joking."
He sighed and shook his head slowly, at least his secret was safe…for now.
~Fin~
Again, no offense intended. I hope you enjoyed this oneshot brought to you by lots of Dr Pepper and way too little sleep plus the over active imaginations of a few bleach fans! Until next time!
Trapped in Wonderland