A/N: This was supposed to be the final chapter of close the book, take my soul. It really, really was. I'm losing control when it comes to my writing at the moment. I'm trying something new here - it's got a lot of dialogue, which is never something I really mastered, so I'd really appreciate it if you could take a second out of your day and review.
I still don't own Glee.
There's an engagement ring on her finger, and a drunken Brittany slurring in her bed. Rachel left a couple of hours ago, and Quinn didn't show up at all (something about refusing to drink), and it's so much like old times that it takes her breath away.
There's an engagement ring on her finger, and that alone is enough proof that this is a bad idea. Finn's a good guy and he doesn't deserve this, especially after what happened with Puck and Quinn and then Puck and Rachel all that time ago. Brittany's always been her one exception though, the person that caused her to throw all her rules out the window and throw caution to the wind.
She knows it's a bad idea when she presses her lips to Brittany's, but it feels so much like salvation and coming home that she can't stop.
This is her last night as a non-married woman; this is her last night of freedom; this is her last night to be with Brittany – the girl who's always been hers.
This is it.
She wakes up in the morning with a killer headache. Its 6am, she's hung over, and she's getting married at 4pm this afternoon. Brittany's got that little smile on her face that's always there when she's awake and listening to you, but refusing to open her eyes.
It's confession time.
"I don't know if you remember this, but you asked me to sing a duet with you once. It was in Glee, and if we won, we'd have scored vouchers to Breadsticks. I turned you down and said you meant nothing more to me than sex. That was just before you started dating Artie. I know it sounds cliché, but I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I didn't realize that I loved you until you were with Artie and it was too late"
Brittany doesn't move but her smile starts to fade.
"I decided to wait. I decided to wait until you were single, and then I'd fight like hell. I was going to fight for you, and I was sure that I was going to win. You and Artie stayed together until the end of high school, but you broke up when you realized he wasn't leaving Ohio and you were going to New York. I thought it was finally my shot – you and I were both going to be in New York, and it just had to be our time"
Once again, Brittany doesn't move, but her eyelids flutter a little and she's fairly sure there's a tear rolling down the blonde's cheek.
"Well, you know what happened after that. I didn't fight hard enough and you didn't realize I was fighting at all. You started dating that douche from your dance class, and I started dating Finn. I didn't realize that that was the end of us. I mean, we still linked pinkies and kissed and I still loved you, and I just thought that one day, it would be our turn and we'd be together forever. I'm getting married today though, and Finn's not my soul mate. My soul mate's lying next to me right now, and she's never even said if she loves me. She's never given me any sign that I'm the love-of-her-life, but I don't care. I'm getting married today and I can't do that if I haven't told you. I can't get married if you don't know how I feel about you"
"Santana…"
"Brittany, you're the love of my life. You're my soul mate. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. If you feel anything for me, I'll cancel my wedding and spend the rest of my life trying to figure this out. I love you Britt"
"Finn's a good guy San. He proposed to you on New Year's Eve 'cos he knows you like fireworks. He drove across New York to get you a taco from that one stand you really, really love just 'cos you asked him too. He's that guy that will make a crib from scratch, and will spend hours picking baby names, before going out at 3am to get you pickles and ice-cream. He's that dream guy that everyone wants San, but no one really dares to look for, 'cos they think he's a myth. He's a good guy San".
"Fuck, I know that Britt, but he's not you. He doesn't make my heart beat ten times faster when he walks into a room. My hands don't get clammy when he looks at me, and I don't get butterflies in my stomach when he says I look beautiful. He's that guy who drives across New York to get me my favourite taco but chooses the wrong meat, because he doesn't know what the right choice is. He's that guy who'll make a crib from scratch and paint it yellow when I wanted blue. He'll pick names that I think are stupid, and get vanilla ice-cream when I want chocolate. He's that dream guy that everyone wants, except me, because I'm in love with a girl. He's a good guy Britt, but you're an amazing woman and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I need you to help me fight for us".
Brittany's definitely crying now: large, fat tears streaming down her cheeks. She's never looked more beautiful.
"San, you've got a wedding dress in your cupboard. Later today, there's gonna be a hundred people crowded in a church waiting for you to walk down that aisle. Finn's gonna be waiting for you at the other end, and you can't leave him waiting. He's been that perfect guy you never knew you wanted, and if you leave him now, it will destroy him. He's special San, and he loves you. Deep down, you love him too. You loved him enough to stay with him for all that time; you loved him enough not to break things off earlier; you loved him enough to choose him over me – you stopped kissing me two years ago when the two of you went exclusive – and he'll always be your choice. I'm just that girl you used to know San, and I'll be that girl for the rest of your life. I wasn't your first choice, and this is just cold feet. I'll see you at the wedding San", she whispers before slipping out of the door.
She frantically wipes at the tears that are rolling down her cheeks before getting out of bed. She has a wedding to prepare for.
Brittany doesn't show up at the beauticians. Quinn's getting her nails done, and she and Rachel are sitting next to each other in the recliner chairs at the back, getting a pedicure, when she comes clean.
"I slept with Brittany last night. I told her she was the love of my life this morning. I begged her to say something; I begged her to fight for us, but she said that she'd see me at the wedding and left. What the hell am I supposed to do know Rach?"
"You've already made up your mind San. I wish I could change it, but you made your decision the moment you accepted Finn's proposal. You made your decision the minute you agreed to date Finn exclusively and stopped seeing Brittany on the side. You made your choice a long time ago San, and I wish you could change it, but it's too late for that now. You're getting married this afternoon and Brittany's only just moving past you. Please don't drag her back into this; it took me so long to fix her the first time… I don't think she'd survive this a second time around. You've made your choice San… there's no going back now"
"But I love her Rach"
"I know you do. I've known from the moment I ran into the two of you in New York all that time ago. I've known from the time I saw you kiss her under the mistletoe at our first joint Christmas. I've known from the way you look at her like she's the most important thing in the world. For God's sakes, I've been campaigning for the two of you for years now. Noah's had to tell me to calm down on numerous occasions because I've been so wrapped up in the two of you. There's something about the two of you that makes me believe in fairytales; the two of you together are magic"
"Then why the fuck are you sitting here and telling me that it's too late? Why aren't you ordering me to fight for her?"
"Because it's the day of your wedding Santana Maria Lopez. You have an amazing man waiting for you and the rest of your life planned out. You have names in your head, ready for when you and Finn decide to start a family. Brittany's your soul-mate, and she's the love of your life, but she's not your future. Finn's your future. He's what you see when you think of yourself ten years in the future"
"How do you know all of this? How can you sit here and tell me this, like you have an idea what you're talking about? You have no fucking clue what's going on in my life, and you don't have the right to tell me what to do", she hissed.
"I love Noah with all my heart. We've been married for two and a half years now, and I've never been happier. He's my soul-mate and the love-of-my-life and I hate myself every day for doubting that. On the day of our wedding though, I was contemplating pulling out. Actually, I was sure that I was going to cancel the whole thing", she whispers, her voice dropping away to practically nothing on her last words.
"You see, Jesse came and visited me the night before. He apologized for the mistakes that he made and told me that he thought of me every day and he said the same things that you said to Brittany this morning. I was packing my bags and getting ready to leave; I was actually looking for you so that you could get me out of the dress. Instead, I saw Noah. He'd left the door of his dressing room open, and he was standing in front of the mirror in his tuxedo, and I've never seen anything that beautiful. He was muttering under his breath, trying to convince himself that I would walk down the aisle, and I knew that I couldn't turn my back on him. I regretted it at first, San, just like you'll regret leaving Brittany, but I know now that I did the right thing. I can't imagine anyone but Noah in my future, and one day, you'll think the same thing about Finn".
She has a wedding to prepare for.
She's walking down the corridor, on the way to her dressing room, when she sees Finn. He's standing in front of the mirror, and he looks amazing. He's murmuring under his breath, and it's so much like Rachel described that her heart starts to ache.
She makes her way back to her dressing room, ready to get into her wedding dress. She has a wedding to prepare for.
(She doesn't notice Brittany standing in front of her mirror, her red bridesmaid dress not quite done up, crying. She doesn't notice Rachel trying to comfort her. She doesn't notice Brittany mumbling, trying to convince herself to stay in her room until the wedding starts; trying to convince herself that she can be happy without San).
She does notice Brittany as they line up and prepare to walk down the aisle. She looks beautiful in red, which isn't a surprise, because she always used to stun people in her red cheerleading uniform.
She's about to get married but she just wants to run away. She wants to take Brittany on her honeymoon so that they can lie on a beach in Fiji, and sleep in the same bed, and be two people in love. She wants to start a life with Brittany.
She's about to become Santana Hudson and she has never been this unsure of something before. The music starts and her bridesmaids start walking away from her. Brittany starts walking away from her, which reminds her of this morning, and the fact that Brittany didn't say that she loved her.
She starts walking too.
She stands there in a white dress that's suddenly too tight, preparing to become Santana Hudson, when all she really wants is to be Santana Pierce. She turns around, just for a second, to look at her bridesmaids.
There's Quinn at the back, chosen only because she felt like she needed three of her bitches up there with her. She has a promise ring on her finger, a baby in her stomach, and Artie in the crowd, smiling up at her.
Then there's Rachel, who's her best friend in the whole world, looking hot as hell in the red dress she's wearing. She's sure that Puck is thinking the same thing from his position of best man, and she has to bite back a smirk when she sees him fiddling with his wedding ring. If there were ever two people meant to be together, it was those two.
And then there's Brittany, the beautiful maid of honour, who can't be described. She's not the best friend because they've gone down a road that friends rarely travel, but she's never been the girlfriend. She's… Brittany. She's the one who got away; the one who will always have her heart.
Brittany's smiling though, a big smile that makes her whole face light up. She nods encouragingly, like she was never a part of BrittanyandSantana, and always a supporter of FinnandSantana.
The rest of the wedding is a blur. She's asked to repeat words, and exchange rings and say 'I do', and then Finn kisses her. Puck cheers, Rachel chuckles, Quinn smiles and New Directions yells things that don't even sound like words. She's married.
Finn holds out his hand and she takes it. They walk out of the church and she only looks back once. Brittany's crying, fat tears rolling down her cheeks and she looks like her heart has been broken. Rachel notices too and pulls away from Puck to wrap Brittany into a hug.
Finn tugs gently on her hand and she turns away from Brittany and walks towards her future.
Finn's a good guy. He'll take care of her and never hurt her or cheat on her. He's the perfect guy and she loves him. She really, really does; it's just she loves him the same way she loves Puck or Kurt or Sam – the type of love that grows between friends. It's not passionate or all-consuming and she'll never feel that crazy intense need that Rachel and Puck always have for each other, but that's okay. She's getting something different from him, and that's okay.
They'll have a life together. Rachel will be godmother to their children and Brittany will be that crazy aunt that everyone adores. They have a future. She and Brittany have a past. It's full of love and laughter and stolen kisses and moments that took her breath away. It's full of near-misses and what-if's and I can't breathe without you's.
It was passionate and all-consuming and full of that crazy intense need. It's gone now though. It ended when Brittany nodded her head and smiled; when she didn't voice her objections; when she didn't fight.
Finn's her future now, so she turns and walks away. It's the start of Finn-and-Santana and the end of Brittany-and-Santana.
It's time to grow up and stop holding out hope for Brittany, and the two of them making it work. She has to stop thinking that Brittany's the love of her life. She has to stop thinking that Brittany's her soul has to move on. It's time to move on.
(Even though Brittany is the love-of-her-life. Even though Brittany is her soul mate).