In All My Dreams I Drown, a devil's carnival fanfic

AN: Trigger warning for sexual abuse and pedophilia.

"The ship is swayed, heave ho, heave ho, on a dark and stormy blue…" Tamara twitched in her sleep. "And I held tight to the captain's might as he pulled up his trews," she began to sweat and whimper, but nobody heard her. "You haven't slept, heave ho, he said, in many suns and moons," she clawed at her bed sheets and seemed to be gulping for air like she couldn't breathe. "Oh I will sleep when we reach shore and pray we get there soon," and she began to cry silently, water leaking from behind eyelids that were squeezed shut, hiding from a pain she couldn't escape. "He said, now hush love, here's your gown, there's the bed, lanterns down, but I don't want to go to sleep…"

Eyes green as a frog skin shot open and a little girl of maybe eight shot up out of her small bed. She was breathing hard and sweating profusely. She shivered in spite of all this. She couldn't remember what had happened. All that lingered was a vague sense of something sinister on a stormy horizon and she could still hear a deep, dark, demonic voice echoing in her mind.

"In all my dreams I drown."

Finally, the little girl managed to calm herself down. She inhaled deeply.

"Dear God, I know I am a sinner, but please forgive me and let me be safe this night. Amen. Always alleluia!" she whispered upward. Once her prayer was done, she sat back down on her bed with a tired, miserable sigh. She had been told by some friends at school that there was a big man out there in the sky who looked after all of the good people on Earth and would protect them if they asked for it. They said that his name was God and that he could do anything. They said that he loved everybody and would protect her so long as she tried to be good. She didn't have to be good, they promised, she just had to try.

At first, such an idea seemed wonderful. To be protected from her troubles by a benevolent deity from above who just wanted her to be a good person was every child's dream. But she had tried, for the past few months now, to get in contact with this God and still nothing ever changed. No matter how good she tried to be, it didn't seem to be enough and God never answered her. It was either that or her friends had been lying. But they all swore on their lives that God was real and kind, so she didn't want to dismiss their idea so quickly. Maybe there was something wrong with her. Maybe she wasn't doing something right. Maybe she wasn't trying hard enough or was doing it wrong. Maybe she wasn't good enough. Maybe God was just a little behind. Maybe silence was his answer. Maybe he wasn't listening. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he was letting her suffer for some divine reason. Maybe he was just busy right now. But surely he was real! She was the only one who could possibly be at fault. All her friends and their family said so, so it had to be true! But still, the girl wished dearly that God would answer her.

"Please, if you're real, send me a sign!" she added onto the end of her prayer, still quiet, but sounding desperate now.

The little girl would've added more if she'd had the time but, the moment she finished this little phrase, her bedroom door opened.

"Tamara Lounds!" a deep, slurring voice came from the hall and the door widened, increasing the light that intruded into the room.

"Daddy," the little girl, Tamara, tried to sound brave, almost happy, but she couldn't. She was scared.

"You've been a naughty girl," her daddy purred and slid into the room right over and into her bed.

"What? No. What do you mean?" Tamara's eyes widened and she scooted deeper into her white sheets.

"You refused to come home from school today," her dad interrupted and Tamara felt her heart sink.

"Oh, umm, I'm sorry," she murmured shyly.

"I know dear, I know," her dad moved ever closer, sliding into bed with her.

"No, Daddy, please, not this," the little girl trailed off, giving the sweetest look she could.

"Oh, shut up!" Tamara's dad interrupted with a slurred grunt, waving off her protest. "It won't hurt much!" but it did. It always did. Even after he swore she'd get used to it and maybe even like it, Tamara never liked it.

As Tamara squirmed and cried out in pain, her dad moved on steadily, ignoring her. On the rare occasion Tamara did move too much, he would grunt at her and maybe tug on her long brown locks to get her to stop. That was the most mind he ever paid to her on nights like these. Other than that, the man was as ceaseless and uncaring as an open ocean. One that Tamara was stuck below no matter how hard she fought. Her voice and his would sometimes thrum in a horrible unison and the dark voice in her head would fill the entire house.

"In all my dreams I drown."

AN: This follows the headcanon on TVTropes which states that Tamara might've been sexually abused by her father. The tropers cited this song as the reason they came up with this headcanon so I wrote it out. I hope it wasn't too hard of a read but I just had to write it out.