No excuse for this. Co-written with Michi Mitsurugi.
When Edward opened the door to let his girlfriend enter the den, he didn't even notice the perfectly aimed water bottle that was thrown clearly from across the room, smashing against Bella square in her PERFECT, FLAWLESS face. The youthful vampire stared stonily as the teen stumbled, tears already beginning to form at the corners of her rainbow/brown/whatever-fucking-color-they-are eyes.
"What… the hell?" she shrieked (beautifully, Edward thought, though his voice conveyed no such thought). As her pale nose began to bruise, she brought a dainty hand, covering its ugliness while she could.
"Get that whore out of here!" Jogi!Carlisle snapped, somehow getting his hands on another water bottle and aiming once again at the human girl. "She smells like trash! Disgusting trash! Where are the Rolex watches, the Strenesse shirts? I SEE NONE ON HER, EDWARD! NONE!"
He threw the bottle, which was easily caught by the other vampire in the room. "Calm down," he said in a flat tone. While Jogi!Carlisle paced the back of the room, throwing fitful glares at the two, Edward brought her in to show her random pictures and books that they would probably never read. Getting over her previous attack, while she admired the man next to her, she caught several glances at the head of the Cullen family.
When he wasn't glaring at her, Jogi!Carlisle was messing with a soccer ball in the corner of the room, most likely trying to work off stress. He had black hair that was just beginning to gray, combed neatly to which not a single strand was out of place. While the oldest of the family, he was aging very nicely, with only few lines on his face. He wore an expensive suit with a pressed, crisp shirt underneath. Instead of a tie, Jogi!Carlisle seemed to lean more towards scarves, since one slung loosely around his shoulders and neck. Finishing him were dress pants as sharp as razors and French shoes, as well as the silver Rolex watch glinting off his wrist.
Suddenly the two water bottles aimed at her seemed insignificant to his beauty. The elder vampire glared at Edward. "You're growing soft. I bring you into my team, my precious unbeatable team, and here you are making eyes at this… this cow," he hissed, gesturing to the super-speshul snowflake who was now drooling.
"I love her, and she loves me," Edward curtly responded, wrapping those cold, stony arms around Bella, who only gurgled in delight. Two very hot men in the same room… it was too much for her tiny, insignificant derping brain to handle.
"You're not a vampire, Edward. You're a princess. A fairy fucking princess." Jogi!Carlisle kicked the soccer ball at him, which only bounced off the side of his face. Edward remained unmoving, staring blankly at the raging soccer team manager. "And she smells like the rotting animals your brothers keep discarding in the back. Go clean that up, by the way. The neighbors are complaining."
"Can we take her hunting with us?"
"She'll devour all the food herself! Look at that narwhal!" he cried out, throwing his hand out to only accent his words.
He spoke the truth. Bella had somehow morphed into a whale, honking and twitching her flippers. It barked at Edward, who still stared vacantly at her.
"You're so beautiful," he said in a monotonous voice.
Jogi!Carlisle slapped the palm of his hand at his face as Edward somehow managed to push his narwhal girlfriend out the door.