Yay, my first Dragon Ball ficcie^^~!!! This is about Chi chi's
feeling when Gokou went to fight Cell… thanx to my friends who restlessly
chokes me up with this DB madness that I finally get fanatic enough to dig back
my old mangas to reread all the DB mangas again^^;…
Disclaimer : uh oh… no, not mine, though oh, how I wish it
was mine^^~!
:: Bastard ::
I married a bastard.
I just realized that, as I watch him goes again. Goes to
save the world. Goes to leave me behind again.
That isn't a very suitable way for defining the word
'bastard', I think. But this time I think it's so suitable. He's not a bastard
for fighting the bad ones. He's not a bastard for fighting for what he believes
in, not a bastard for trying to save the world.
He is a bastard for leaving me behind.
Always. Always like this. Leaving me behind, to get restless
with worry whether he will comeback alive or not.
Sometimes I want so much to throttle him, to smack some
sense into him that dammit, I need him to be here. That I don't want him to go.
That I hate to be left alone, struggling with worry and all the emotions I have
to bottle up inside me.
I want to yell at him, to get angry with him. Yes, I do that
quite often, I know, yelling and being angry with him. But nothing seems to get
to him. I would yell at him, and he would look at me with those eyes and that
trademark smile of him, and poof, suddenly the anger gone, leaving only the
dawning knowledge that I eventually have to let him go. For his sake. For his
friends' sake. For the people all around the world's sake.
But what about *my* sake, dammit??
I don't care if that Cell thing want to destroy the world or
not, I just want him here. He's just recovered from a heart attack and now,
only a few days afterwards, he's gone, marching off to war again.
I just wish that for once, just for once, he would just let
a war slip away, hand it to his friends to take care of, and stayed with me
here, in our house. Eventhough I know that he'd be fussing, worrying over his
friends, at least I'd know that he and Gohan would be okay.
But that can't be done, can it? It is only a simple, out of
mind, stray wish. The one that will never come true. The one that I'm sure that
even if I asked Shen Long for it, the Shen Long itself would refuse to grant
it.
He won't want me to wish something like that. He won't want
me to stop him from going off to war.
Damn fucking Saiyan genes!! Why do they have to love
fighting so much? What were the Saiyan women made of that they could bear being
always left behind everyday, everytime? Steel??
I'm not made from steel. I try to look tough from outside,
but inside…
I wonder whether or not he can see my sadness. Sometimes he
isn't as naïve, as innocent as he looks. There are times when I just stare into
his eyes and I see that the naivety, the innocence, the cheerful sparks that
always there in his eyes are gone, replaced, covered with something… different.
Something strong… full of spirit, determination, power… the eagerness to defeat
his enemies…
Sometimes, there are times when he is being so attentive, so
observant. But if he actually notices my sadness and my reluctantcy in letting
him go, I'd say he's being totally ignorant of it.
I think I should've being used with that after all these
times… but I can never get used with it. The only thing I seem to get used with
is the feeling of sadness, worry and loneliness whenever I see him going away.
Away from me, far, far out from my reach.
He's away again now. Away to one of his many battles. And
here I am, in my house, in our house, waiting worriedly to see him back,
expecting his battered body to appear soon from behind the door. Battered but
with that smile on his face. A smile that will tell me that everything is okay.
They said that the battle with that Cell is aired on the
television, but I don't bother to turn it on. I don't want to, I can't stand
seeing him or Gohan being beaten up. It is not as if I don't believe in their
strength. I just prefer to take precaution. Watching that one horrible fight
with Piccolo in the Tenka Ichi Budokai was more than enough. I'd prefer not to
witness such a thing again.
He left this morning, with that trademark smile of his on
his face, reassuring me that everything will be okay, that Cell will be
defeated, that he and Gohan will come back in one piece.
I trust him that he will get Gohan back in one piece. I believe
that he won't let that thing, Cell, kill our son. I just doubt that *he*
himself will be back alive.
I look at the clock. It's time for the battle to begin. I
stare at the television, almost turning it on, but then decide against it. I
don't want to see the horror. If he has to die, I don't want to be one of those
who witness it.
So instead, I take the broom and start sweeping the floor. I
want this house to look clean when he and Gohan come home. And I will cook so,
so much food, because I know that he and Gohan are always hungry after a
battle. When they come back. When they
win.
I stop and look outside the window, staring at one point
far, far ahead of me. Thinking of him that is in the battle.
The bastard who just thinks about the excitement of a
battle. That selfish bastard. That selfish bastard who cares a great deal about
this earth that is actually not his planet, about the human, who actually is
not his real race, about the people who don't bother to acknowledge his
existence and what he has done to save their life.
That selfish bastard who always leaves me worrying at home.
He is a bastard. A darn, stubborn, selfish bastard.
And I love him.
~Owari ^^~
C & C please anyone??