A friend of mine and I were chatting around and we just randomly laughed about this idea. This is going to follow the Firered and Leafgreen games. If your favorite Tales character doesn't make it in here, I'm sorry. I've only played three Tales games. My friend suggested two characters from Vesperia, and I've not played it but he gave me a good heads up on their personalities as well as my own research. So! Without further or do…

Disclaimer: Ha! I wish I owned Pokémon and Tales series. Unfortunately, that doesn't work.

Warning: There will be some out-of-character personalities used for the Tales characters. It's necessary. I'll try my best to keep them in-character for majority of the story.

Enjoy!

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Tales of Pokémon

1: Luke's first Pokémon and Annoying Asch

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"My, my. This is certainly interesting. Ahem, well then, shall we be getting started now? My name is Colonel Jade Curtiss, Third Division of the Malkuth—ah wait, pardon me for that. I am Professor Jade Curtiss and while I normally study fomicry, I also study creatures known as Pokémon. They are certainly strange specimens. While I search for a way to break down Pokémon into necessary particles of fonons, I shall require you to state who you are to make this oncoming, inevitable journey worthwhile."

"Now then, are you a boy or are you a girl? Careful, this question is so difficult."

A young child, obviously a ten year old, with red hair was standing before the invisible barrier that is a video game. They narrowed their green eyes spitefully at the Necromancer of Malkuth. "Shut up, Jade! I know who I am!" The child grumbled a loud. "I'm a boy, duh! That wasn't so hard."

Jade shook his head. "Of course it wasn't. I hope you didn't fry your brain cells by thinking too hard."

The boy with red hair groaned and grumbled again, tapping his foot impatiently. "Yeah whatever! So are you going to ask for my name or what?"

The Malkuth colonel shrugged impassively. "Oh, I'm sorry. I completely forgot, given my old age, my mind just wandered off." He replied sarcastically, earning himself another growl. "Well, then, shall you give us your name?"

"Hah! This'll be a cinch!" The confident boy smirked, picking up the GameBoy Advance and inputting his name. "Hey! There's only seven spaces in this thing!"

"Were you expecting more? This is third generation of Pokémon after all. Besides, Game Freak only needs your first name, not your entire name."

"…Shut up Jade." The boy scowled and simply scrolled the game's menu to input the letters L-U-K-and-E together. "There. My name's Luke."

"Well then, Luke. Now then, this boy over here…" Jade nodded to a similarly looking kid just Luke's size that so happened to have appeared from nowhere. In fact, he looked like a spitting image of Luke, but with a darker shade of red hair. The first redhead easily recognized him. "This is, unfortunately, my grandson—"

"WHOA, wait a second. Asch is your grandson?!" Luke asked incredulously.

The other boy, called Asch, narrowed his eyes dangerously at Luke. "Shut up, dreck!"

Jade sighed. "Luke, let me continue or you'll ruin the game." The boy by name remained silent. "As I was saying, this is my grandson. He's been your friend and rival ever since you were a baby."

"ASCH IS YOUR GRANDSON!?" Luke asked again, trying to suppress his laughter. He was receiving glaring daggers from his original, apparently. However, thanks to the powers of video games, Asch was unable to reach Luke because he was protected by plot devices and Game Freak. "And I'm only seven! I don't even know when I was a baby!"

"Quiet. You've been bumped up to the age of ten, and Asch de-aged to ten, and you were given memories. Now let me finish." He cleared his throat, "As I was saying. It appears, regardless if you said his name or not, that I've forgotten his name. Oh woe is me." The last part Jade said was dipped in sarcasm. "I can't remember, so you'll indulge me." The GameBoy Advance reappeared in Luke's hands as now the screen was asking for a name for Asch. "Hey, awesome! I can godmod Asch's name!"

"Dreck, if you even dare…" Asch threatened.

Grinning mischievously, Luke counted the spaces for naming the character, and unfortunately, it was still seven. He thought about a particular word and looked at Jade. "Hey, do you think the name 'Asshole' will fit?"

The Colonel eyed him curiously. "Well, seeing as it is seven letters. I thought you'd call him 'jerk' or something."

"HEY!" Asch roared, feeling ignored. "If you even THINK about calling me that, I'm going to kill you!"

Luke shrugged. "Fine, dumbass." Luke punched in the letters A-S-C-H and hit the START button. The GameBoy Advance of magic vanished and Jade cleared his throat.

"Ah, now I remember. His name is Asch."

"…Should have named him Jerkface…"

"WHAT WAS THAT, REPLICA?!"

"…Nothing."

"If you two are finished bantering, I can now see you off. Come to my lab later. Now, off you go." Before Luke and apparently Asch could get another word or insult in, they were warped away by a white light of plot devices. The screen blanked out and a new scene focused in. Luke rubbed his head and stared at the new location he was in. It was a room, and it was simple. A bed on the furthest left hand side, a strange fontech device sitting on the upper left hand corner, a window straight ahead and behind him, and in the center of the room was a red rug and another fontech machine of sorts with another fontech contraption sitting right in front of it. Curious, Luke clicked it. Somehow. A message box popped up.

Luke played with the NES. Luke played Legend of Zelda.

…Okay, it's time to get going now.

"Whoa, where'd that message box come from?" He wondered. He then noticed he was wearing a black shirt, a white vest over it that resembled his long coat he normally wore, black pants, red shoes and a red and black hat on his head. Strangely, his gloves he usually wore remained. Weird. Oh well. He went to check out the fontech device sitting in the upper left hand corner of his new room. Somehow, he turned it on and scrolled through it.

"Uhh, Deposit Item, Withdraw Item, Toss Item…What in the…?" Luke wondered. "Man if Guy were here, he'd go nuts over this." Curious, the redhead went through all the options and found something. "Potion x1? Where'd that come from? Oh well, it sounds like a healing item. I'll take it." Luke clicked some more buttons with the mouse at the fontech machine also known as a computer. The item was withdrawn somehow and Luke pocketed it. He shut the machine down and got up from the chair that was beside it.

"That reminds me, I need to see Jade!" Luke reminded himself and spotted nearby stairs. He leapt for them, thundering down two steps at a time. When he was downstairs, he noticed it was similar to his room but now his mother, Suzanne, was sitting at the kitchen table. She spotted him and smiled.

"Oh Luke, honey. Are you going on your adventure now?"

"Huh? Adventure? Uh yeah. Hey, have you seen Jade, Mother?"

"Professor Jade? He should be at his lab now. I saw my son—I mean, I saw your friend Asch head over there earlier. He said something about getting his first Pokémon—"

"AUGH. That bastard's gonna get the best one!" Luke groaned. "Okay, thanks Mother! Love you!" And out the door Luke went. He ran around town and located a sign that said "Professor Jade's Lab" and even had some random dude out there that explained the controls of the game like many RPG games out there. Unfortunately, poor, poor Luke was clueless.

"…What the hell is the B button?" He asked the random fat man that was programmed to be there to give advice.

"How should I know? I'm just programmed to give you that information."

"Wait, so you're a replica, too?!"

"…What's a replica?"

"Never mind. I'm going to see Jade." The redhead quickly went inside and ran towards the back room. He spotted three Pokéballs sitting on the table conveniently and of course, he saw the one and only— "ASCH!" Luke shouted his name. The other ten-year-old redhead spun around to meet his duplicate's gaze, scowling. "What do you want, dreck?" Asch growled.

"Hey, don't be such a prick. I came here to make sure you don't get the better Pokémon!" Luke shot back.

"Heh. If you haven't read the game manuals yet, then you're such an idiot. The rivals always pick the Pokémon starter opposite of the player, and it's always the Pokémon that has the type advantage over the player's choice." Asch explained, breaking all sorts of fourth walls.

Luke gaped. "Wait, so no matter which one of these I pick, you'll always get the one that beats mine!?"

"Yeah." Asch crossed his arms and grinned smugly. "So, I'll always be better than you."

"You jerk…"

"Blame Game Freak. They designed this game."

"…Okay. But have you seen Jade?"

"No. I haven't seen Grandfather anywhere—why the hell are you laughing?!"

Indeed, Luke was cracking up laughing, rolling on the floor like a roly-poly. There were even tears coming out of his eyes! "HAHAHAHA! Jade…your grandfather…oh my gosh, good Lorelei that's…so funny!" Luke breathed out, still laughing insanely, if that counted. Asch growled again because he's really good at doing that. "SHUT UP, REPLICA! I have no choice! The game is forcing me to."

"HAHAHA…!" Luke sat up, trying to calm down.

"You have three seconds to shut up or I'm going to Icicle Rain you." Asch glared.

"You can't. I have plot protection throughout the whole game. Plus all our artes were sealed." Luke stated matter-of-factly.

"Hmph." Asch pouted. "It doesn't matter. Jade isn't here and he won't be anytime soon. So get lost."

"How can he not be here? There's only three buildings in this town. How can this even be a town with only THREE buildings anyway? What kind of RPG is this!?"

"Dreck. Get lost. You're supposed to be outside by now so a cutscene with Jade can occur and we can get on with our lives."

"Fine fine." Luke grumbled, walking out of the lab, leaving Asch behind for now. He spotted the edge of Route 1 and decided to walk up there. "Hm, doesn't look so bad. Maybe Jade's out there?" Just before he got close to a blade of tall grass, a cutscene triggered.

"Well now, Luke. If you wanted to get attacked by mobs of wild creatures without your own protection, feel free to go right ahead." Jade's voice carried over. Luke spun around to find the Colonel in a lab coat that eerily resembled his Malkuth uniform. His eye twitched as Jade approached him, pushing his glasses up unnecessarily. "Don't you want to get your own Pokémon?"

"Yeah."

"And didn't I tell you to meet me in my lab later?"

"But you weren't in there."

"Of course not. My script says to appear from absolutely nowhere and startle you before you get to Route 1." The Colonel stated, grinning. "Now then, shall we be on our way back to my lab, little Luke?" Grumbling internally, the redhead nodded. "Good, now watch the power of auto control and listen to the little chime of music when I lead you there." And so, Jade auto controlled back to his lab with Luke behind him, and chirpy music that is oh-so overused, no matter how many times it was remade, playing in the background. The heck?

"…Where is that song coming from?"

"How should I know?"

"Because you know everything."

"Hmm, we'll see."

The two were back in the lab and unfortunately, Asch was still there because he had to be. "Grandfather, I've been waiting for you. When are you going to give me a Pokémon?" The redhead glared at both Jade and Luke, silencing the snicker that was bubbling up from his replica.

"Patience Asch. You'll get yours. The script says Luke gets to pick first."

"Damn." The grandson of Jade scowled.

Luke beamed brightly. "Sweet! I get to pick first!"

"Hurry up you stupid replica."

"No." Luke walked up to the table with the three Pokéballs sitting upon it. He seemed to be looking for one in particular and grabbed the third ball. "I'll pick this one!"

"Ah, that's Charmander, the Fire-Type. It appears to be harder to train the other two and will take time and patience to train properly. Can you handle it?" Jade asked.

"Of course! It's a fire-type and it goes well with my name, "Light of the Sacred Flame!" after all."

"That's technically my name."

"Shut up, Asch."

"Settle down boys." The eldest said. "Luke, would you like to give your Charmander a nickname?"

"I can name it now?" His eyes widened.

Jade nodded. "Of course. But if you don't name it here, then you'll have a long ways to go before you get to nickname it again. So, choose wisely." The redhead hero scratched his head. Then he paced the floor studiously thinking about a name for his beloved Pokémon. Unfortunately, any pet name eluded the young boy and he sighed in defeat. "I can't think of a name…"

"You suck." Asch scoffed and went ahead and picked the Pokéball next to where Charmander was. "I'll get this one."

"That's Squirtle, the Water-type Pokémon." Jade offered.

"How come you get the Water-type and I get the Fire-type?" Luke frowned.

Asch snickered. "It's simple, dreck. I'm the rival. I pick the opposite, advantageous type to yours. I know I told you that earlier."

"Right you did."

"Now that we have our Pokémon, I challenge you to a battle!"

"Pff. A battle. I kicked your ass at Eldrant, I'll do it here, too." Luke chuckled, earning himself a pair of green daggers glaring in his direction.

"We'll see about THAT, replica! PREPARE! Come, Squirtle!" Asch tossed his Pokéball expertly, sending out the adorable blue turtle known as Squirtle. It even came with a pair of shades. Luke laughed and followed the action his original did.

"Come out Charmander! Let's kick ass!" Luke shouted. An orange lizard with blue eyes and a flaming tipped tail came out of the sphere, eyeing his foe. The two Pokémon and trainers were glaring each other down.

"Boys…" Jade sighed. "Could you at least battle somewhere else? Someplace that won't jeopardize my research? Somewhere…not inside a building?"

"No. We need to settle this here and now, Grandfather. And shut the hell up, replica!" Asch yelled, silencing the giggling carbon-copy of his.

"It's just too funny! I'm not gonna get used to this." Luke laughed. Suddenly, a menu box popped up below Luke and Asch respectively. They both eyed it curiously, reading over each option. FIGHT, BAG, PKMN, RUN were the four options they could choose from. Obviously, Luke picked the FIGHT option and the message box changed to two different commands. Scratch and Growl. "What the? These moves are pretty useless!" Luke scoffed.

"No duh, idiot. They're only level 5."

"…Hmph. I had more artes at level five!"

"No you didn't."

"How would you know!?"

"We shared the same level, experience and artes, dumbass."

"…So how is it when I'm level seven on the Tartarus, you were level seven too and you were a God-General? But you knew Icicle Rain—!"

"Shut up and battle me already!"

"Fine!"

And so they battled. Luke and Asch were shouting Scratch and Tackle to their respective Pokémon, both creatures tiring out after eight turns of attacks. They were both running on low health, Luke noticed, or rather heard. That infernal beeping wouldn't stop. "MAKE IT STOP. THIS IS WORSE THAN THOSE HEADACHES!" Luke complained. He looked over to Asch. "How are YOU even handling this stupid noise!?"

"What? I can't hear you, I have earmuffs on." Asch stated. And it was true. He had white, puffy earmuffs on. Where did he get those from? "Squirtle, finish the fight with one more Tackle!"

"Grr! Charmander, counter with Scratch!" Luke commanded. Both Pokémon charged at each other. Both collided. Both fell in defeat of each others' attacks. Both redheads stared incredulously at them. "…So who won?" Luke spoke up after five seconds of silence.

"None of us did. It's a draw. That's not supposed to happen in the game." Asch grumbled.

"Ah man!"

"Well, that actually helps. At least I don't have to pay you 300 gald—I mean, 300 Pokédollars for you winning."

"That means I don't lose money either…"

"If you're both done trying to destroy my lab, I suggest you get a move on with your adventure. There are places to be and people to meet. I'm sure you'll enjoy yourselves." Jade said.

Asch nodded as he collected his darling Squirtle, as Luke put it. "Fine then, Grandfather—" he shot Luke a glare after saying such, "Well then, I guess I'll go now. I'll get a map from my sister Anise—"

"Wait wait wait. Anise is your sister!?"

Once again, Luke received a glare. "Of course she is. She's my little sister. And I'm going to tell her not to give you a map. So, as the script says, 'smell ya later'." Asch turned and left the lab. Luke frowned, picking up his fainted Charmander. "Man he's such an ass!"

"You know Luke. It would have been a good idea if you used that potion in the battle." Jade pointed out.

"…UGH! SO ANNOYING!" Luke shouted. Well, looks like our young hero got his first Pokémon! What will the next adventures tell us about? Find out in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z! I mean, come back soon! Luke shook his head. "Even the narrator is messed up. What kind of place IS this?"

"Why, it's the Pokémon world." Jade supplied an answer. "And you'll meet others along the way. Get going now, Luke. The game can't continue until you move."

"Hmph! Well, now I'm gonna save, so you'll have to sit there and wait!"

Luke saved the game. The time was 1:09. He gaped and then sobbed. How had he spent one hour and nine minutes at the beginning of the game? He then noticed something. Luke opened up his menu and looked through his OPTIONS selection. He realized the text speed was at MED for Medium. "That's why everything was coming out so SLOW!" He growled and swapped it to FAST. He then decided to change the sound to MONO and then the window frame to Frame 7. Cool.

"Now that's taken care of. It's time to save again!" He fist pumped. Jade sighed as Luke saved his game again, the time being 1:10. He must feel very proud of himself by now… "Now time to go to Asch's house and get a map from Anise."

"Shouldn't you go rest at your house and heal your Pokémon's health?" The Colonel reminded.

"Oh right, I should. And then I'm going to get a map."

Oh this wasn't going to bode so well for poor, dear little Luke. What will happen next? The world may never know.

Okay, so an attempt to humor. I tried. Review and stuff!