My hands shake as I reach for the ticket. I don't know what I'm doing here; I don't know why I'm so nervous. My stomach in a knot, it turns as I walk through the doors. The lobby is all black and new, there is no other word for it. Footsteps echo, dulled only by the murmur of the crowd. My skin tinged with this heat that comes from racing thoughts of you. You're here, hidden somewhere in this building.

Strange eyes wander, searching and questioning as I walk. Why am I here? What's going to happen? Will you smile? Will I still feel the same? Will you? The crowd moves in excitement, the music calling us to our seats. I didn't really care where I sat… I just need to see you. I just need to know that it was the right choice.

I feel like I'm walking along a wire, perched high above a sea of people watching each step. Waiting for me to fall, for a scream to leave my throat. Waiting for a practiced bow and cold smile. The stage is dark, the curtain black as a starless night. If I closed my eyes I could picture you running around bare foot and nervous. You'll bite your finger nails as you quietly go through each step and mark in your head.

Some middle aged man clumsily stands as I move to my seat. 4th row seat 8. He tries to casually keep his toupee on his head as he nods hello. Yeah right old man... you don't even look rich. The crowd quiets as the music begins to fade and the lights dim. My body tenses and I want to run but I can't move. What do you look like now? Is your hair long or short? Is it still blonde? Will you recognize me? Will you see me?

The curtain begins it ominous rise as the stage stays dark and quiet. A simple spot light on centre stage as the song begins. My eyes search for your name in the program, desperate to stop this pounding heart beating in my chest. You enter from stage right leading a group of girls to the centre. In an instant the world stops and we're alone. Your voice rises and falls as you begin to dance. This quiet place filled only with the sound of your voice; the air thick and hot, it moves in waves caused by a flick of your hand.

You're dressed in a simple black dress, flowers braided into your hair. You've worn that dress before... or one similar to it. And I am brought down to my knees by a simple glance; by the thought you were everything once. That I once upon a time danced next to you. That I once sang with you…loved you. And I am reminded once more of what it was like to know you.

Of everything we did, of every memory... I will never forget that day. I will never forget that moment when words failed me. When everything stopped... and everything fell apart. I feel it now, this tightness in my chest as I fight to breathe. The rushing of blood, pounding in my ears; how I felt everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. The hate. The anger. The suffocating pain in my chest. This dull ache of fear, and the most confusing part was- is that I thought of you. I thought of you when I started running, I thought of you when I first saw it. I thought of you. I thought of how I could feel you under my skin, how I could feel you coursing in my veins. I could feel how much I love- loved you.

My feet gave out and I clung to the closest thing that would keep me from falling... it's fitting that I was there. By our lockers. You had English right across from them... I could feel you in the air. I could almost hear the silent click of the door opening. My legs were trembling and weak. You caught me before I could fall; you caught me and held me.

"Santana."

I don't know how you knew; I never cared enough to think about it... but you knew. You only said my name; your voice didn't break or even waiver. You just quietly said my name like you always did. I will always remember that... I will always remember how warm and strong your arms felt around me. I will always remember that it was the only feeling I ever associated home with. I will always remember the muted feel of your heart beat against my fingertips. The whispered breathe in my hair, the heat of your lips on my temple. I will always remember the cold numbness that began to seep in. I will always remember how your fingers kind of shook when you fixed my bangs. I can feel those words heavy on my tongue even now, caught jagged and sore in my throat.

"I'm sorry..."

I will always remember how your eyes shone like moonlight dancing on clear blue water. That- that the smile always in the corner of your mouth fell... and how I wanted to promise you the world when all I could give was me. I remember the searing heat, bubbling in my stomach, of your kiss. Just the simple pressing of two sets of lips together... how perfectly heart breaking it was. I was so scared to move; so we didn't.

"I love you."

I will never forget the warmth of your tears, or how scared you sounded. You were never scared; but in that moment you were.

"Like never before."

You're older now; there is no real change in the way you look. It's just there; it's the perfect way you move. It's in your voice... you've grown up. Without me. The song ends with the last note left to linger in the silence of the theatre. You stand posed with some guy; his hand on your hip the other intertwined with yours. The single spot light disappears and I have lost you amidst the dark stage once more.

The old man winks as I stand, his hand daring on my lower back as I pass him. I can feel their eyes passing over me as I walk out with abated breath and the heated sting of tears threatening to fall. I still love you.