Warning

This story contains themes of suicide, murder, child abuse, revenge and many other dark themes. This is not your typical Teen Titan's fic if any of these themes are too dark for you, please do not send me messages telling me you were 'triggered' or something, you decided to read it.

Other than that, let's get on with the story.

J's P.O.V

J's first entry into the book.

I have to write this book, Seven said so. She says it's supposed to help me with my mind.

I know it won't though, the voice inside my head is a big problem now, most of the time I'm trapped in a room, listening to it screaming at me.

Ok, Seven says I should take this more seriously, she wants to keep the book as a memento for when our work is done.

...

Hold on, let me ask her what I should write in here.

She kind of ignored me

My name is J.

At least, that's all I can remember about myself. I know I'm something different from other people, that much is a given. Whilst others can walk around this city in the winter months with four layers of clothing on, I just need a simple hoodie to keep me warm.

Of course, that's nothing to go on. I mean, everyone has their strange quirks, right?

So here I am, standing at a boardwalk, looking at the street lights dance on the ripples of the ocean nearby. A reflection of a gigantic T shape in the water caused by the massive building on a small island near the bay.

There lays the home of the Teen Titans, one group I'm trying to avoid, but where ever I go they're there. Either walking the streets or driving in that monstrosity of a car. They're looking for me, even though they don't know it.

I'm a murderer, working for a group called the Order. We are the only true cause in Jump City. We fight corruption where no civilian eye can see it, or at least that's what they told me.

My most recent victim, a politician by the name of Gray seemed to be involved in drug trafficking to fund his campaign to reach the title of senator. Sadly for him, Seven knew about it and sent me to kill him.

No-one saw me as I did it, that's what I keep telling myself, but I know someone saw me, I know I messed it up somehow.

"Are you alright Kid?" Came to a voice from the shadows.

When I turned to look, I saw Robin dressed head to toe in his uniform, he had found me.

"Y-yes." I struggled with the words as my hand wandered to the pocket of my hoodie where my knife was.

Whether he noticed this or not was beyond me.

"Where are your parents? It's dangerous this time of night." He took a step forward.

I took one back.

"I don't need your help. Please, just leave me alone." I tried to get him to walk away, but he just wouldn't do it.

"At the least, tell me where your parents are." He tried to get me to talk with him, to see if I would slip up.

No, I wouldn't do it. I was telling myself that the whole night, but I did it anyway. I couldn't move any further back or I'd go over the railing and into the water behind me.

"I don't have any."

That was it, those were the words that would put the final nail in my coffin. He wouldn't have a hard time trying to track me down now, some database he had would just make it easy for him to get to me.

He started looking at me but decided against asking me why my clothes were so filthy.

"There's a shelter in town you know? Would you like me to take you there?" He spoke softly.

"No." I shook my head.

"Just go." I sighed, as I took my hand off the knife and pulled my empty hand out of my pocket.

"Alright, stay safe." He sighed as he began walking away.

Yeah, that was the first time I met him. It wouldn't be the last, there was more killing to be done, more work. I soon realized just how bad things were getting for me.

If it wasn't the constant feeling of being watched or looking over my shoulder every five minutes.

It was the voice lingering inside my head.

The voice that tried telling me what to do. The voice that was trying it's damnest to get me to end it all.

To be honest, I was sick.

Sick of not knowing who or what I was, doing only what I was told to do only because someone had told me to do it. Sick of being tired every damn day, sick of being the one to carry out the killings.

Sick of this life that I was forced to live.

Sick of seeing beauty like the lights dancing off the face of the ocean when I knew about all the awful things in the world and being the one to commit them.

"Do it." Came the voice again as I began staring at the bay, trying to find something else to keep my mind occupied.

"Jump in, no-one's around. I promise they won't see you this time." It kept on going.

"Shut up," I whispered into my gloves as I tried to conceal the action by blowing air into my hands.

"They saw you walk in, they saw you walk out. They'll find you." The voice was continuous, even as I started walking away from the bay.

When I walked through the city, the voice got increasingly loud, accusing me of everything.

"Look at all these worthless beings, you could kill them and their families would cry for them. You'd like to do that, wouldn't you?" It kept going when I got to a derelict area of the city.

This area of the city was always the worst, the quiet streets, especially at night, made me wish that I carried a gun over a knife. The voice, on the other hand, kept on talking to me, making me only walk faster so Seven could give me some medicine to calm it down.

"You know, you aren't doing yourself any favors by keeping this up, they'll find you eventually. They'll kill you for what you've done. Why not just do it yourself?" It laughed at me as I reached the doors of the church.

The church was a safe haven for members of the Order, the only reason it was still standing was because Seven was keeping it up. She needed a place to plan and some of us needed a place to sleep. When I entered the building, I saw her standing in her robes, waiting in one of the pew for my return.

She stood up, concern on her face.

"What's taken you so long?" She asked as she placed her hands on either side of my face, turning it so she could look for damage.

"I've been waiting for the police traffic to calm down." I lied.

"Liar." The voice pressed.

"Seven... It's back." I shuddered as I admitted that the voice was talking to me again.

Her face fell slightly, not sure of what to say, even though she knew what to do.

"He's getting worse isn't he?" She asked, before squeezing my shoulder slightly.

"Lie to her. Tell her you're lying, tell her I haven't spoke to you!" It screamed at me.

All I could do was nod, my head was bursting in pain by the time Seven helped me along down the isle. She was taking me into the confession booth which leads down into the basement where there were rooms, one of which I slept in.

She took me into my own room and told me to sit down, so I did. She left me alone in the room with the voice.

"You fucking reject."

The voice just kept hurling more and more abuse at me, it was pressing every button it could.

"You can't even look anyone in the eye."

"You can't even do one simple task without fucking it up"

"You are alone"

"She doesn't care about you"

"HE doesn't care about you."

"You are nothing."

My body was shaking at that point, my knees hit the ground as I covered my ears, trying to stop the voice from being so loud, of course, it didn't work.

"When she comes in with that needle, stab yourself in the neck with it."

It was just pushing me and pushing me, the option of suicide was there and it was becoming more and more of one for me. I couldn't take the voice inside anymore, it was driving me insane with each and every word it spoke.

My shaking hands took the knife from my hoodie against my will and placed the tip of the blade against my chest where my heart should be.

I tried as hard as I could, but in the end, it was Seven who managed to stop me from ending my life. She acted fast, wrestling the knife out of my shaking hands and throwing it away from me before she plunged the needle into my arm.

"I'm so sorry about this, but you need to control it." She sighed as she pressed the plunger down, filling my veins with a mystery chemical.

It did the trick, the voice shut up for a while, but it was at a cost.

Whatever it was that she injected me with whenever the voice got out of control caused more pain than the voice ever could. Each tendon in my body tightened painfully, effectively crippling me for a few hours.

In those hours, I was at some peace at the expense of extreme pain, but in those few hours, I could sleep without incident.

The first entry ends here.