Title: Don't Jump Without Me
Series: Saiyuki AU
Pairing: 58 (duh); Rating: T (implied if you squint really, really hard)
AN: Listen to Your Guardian Angel by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Seagulls screeched overhead, crying out in greeting or warning, Hakkai couldn't tell. He stood leaning against the ferry's railing, watching the waves crest and fall as they tore through them towards the island. He'd finally made the decision of a lifetime. He refused to glace back at the mainland, keeping his past in the past, only looking forward towards the future. He just couldn't afford to look back now, no matter what.
His friends thought he was nuts. That he'd finally lost his mind, but that wasn't true, he was eerily calm and collected, he'd done his research, talked to the appropriate people, he was prepared for this, he was probably even suited to it. So he'd sold off everything he owned except a small bag of his favorite books and some clothes. He closed all his bank accounts, quit his job, and was now withdrawing from the world, running away to this small island somewhere in between Washington State and Vancouver.
Now if he could just make his heart stop beating a mile a minute, stop the memories from threatening to overcome him, try and bridge his mind and soul, maybe then he could relax and give himself completely to the new life. Maybe. He leaned back and let his head roll backwards onto his shoulders, hair falling out of his eyes and closed them as the sun glinted harshly against his glasses. Breathing in deeply he let the smell of the ocean wash over him as he tried to pace his breathing to the steady crashing of the waves.
The rustle of wind through fabric caught his attention and he glanced down the length of the boat, squinting into the sun at the flash of red that was leaning dangerously over the side, frowning as his brain tried to figure out why something would be at that particular angle. His feet pushed off from the side rail and were running forward as the splash of red was suddenly not there. Finally his brain put two and two together and he was hanging over the railing grasping what ended up being a guy about his age by the look of him, calling for help.
He gripped tighter, fighting the heavy push of black water curling around them, gritting his teeth against the pull until he felt hands on his legs pulling him back over the rail, soggy and sputtering as he clung on desperately to the limp body that was tossed down next him. Pushing wet hair out of his eyes he crawled over to the still form and pressed his ear against the soaking chest, sighing heavily as he heard the unmistakable sound of a racing heartbeat. Pulling the man onto his side he gently held him as the body reacted to the intake of salt water and heaved the poisonous liquid from angry lungs.
He slid out of the way long enough for the on-call medic to check them both over and wrap blankets around them before being led below deck and set on emergency cots. A change of clothes was provided and he gratefully changed into the warm, if rough, material. Helping the medic do the same for the unconscious young man stretch out on the cot beside him. He took note of the odd bruising along the man's back and arms, the old scars on his face and the new ones on his wrists. Add it all together and he was pretty sure the fall over the edge hadn't been an accident.
The medic asked if he should stay until he woke up, but Hakkai just shook his head, saying he'd watch over him until they made land-fall, noticing the look of appreciation that spread over the man's face. Of course they wouldn't want a death on their hands; it'd be bad for business. Hakkai smiled ruefully, looks like he just took his first step towards his new life. Glancing over at the sleeping form beside him he wondered if there was a meaning to this meeting, some form of fate or destiny.
He was still wondering about it when a small cough shook the too thin frame. Leaning over the prone form he was startled as red eyes shot open and strong hands gripped his upper arms, body sitting up quickly, a deep moan falling out of slightly open lips, the motion sending the man's head spinning.
"You shouldn't move so soon, you swallowed a lot of water out there. Just try and lay down for a bit longer."
"Why the fuck did you stop me."
'"It'd be bad for the crew if you died on their watch, do something like that when you're alone and it won't inconvenience anyone next time."
Red eyes glared up at him. "What the fuck do you know?"
Hakkai smiled sadly and flexed his fingers, "More than you'd think," he whispered, "Now stay there and sleep, we'll be arriving in another hour, you can do what you want after you're off the boat." He pressed a gentle hand against the struggling chest and pressed him back into the cot.
"You're just gonna sit there and watch me sleep?"
"That was the general idea."
"What are you, some kinda saint?"
"Saint?" he laughed perversely at the irony, "no, you could say I'm just looking out for my investment though."
"Investment?"
"Of course. I dragged your soggy body out of death's grip, means I'm responsible for you in a manner of speaking."
"No one's responsible for another; you make your own destiny, deal with the consequences of your own actions. That's just life."
Hakkai stared at the man, he'd been looking for that answer for months now, and some half-drowned dead man just said it like it was such an obvious thing. It was so ridiculous, the whole damn thing was messed up; dropping his head into his hand he laughed, a soft, slightly crazed sound that showed how close he was to the edge of breaking, of losing himself to the nightmares that had been haunting him.
"Hey, hey man, you okay?" the soft, startled voice in his ear just made things worse. It almost sounded like her, the same compassion that rolled over him; it was the final straw that broke the dam of his self-control. As the tears slipped down his face in hot, salty cascades he felt cool arms pull him in against a lean chest. Clinging desperately to the rough material of the jumpsuit he let the buried emotions finally out of his Pandora's Box.
"Sorry about that." He dabbed the edges of his eyes with the sleeve of his jumpsuit and leaned back, a faint blush coloring his cheeks as he stared out the port hole.
"No worries. You okay now?"
"Hmm…not sure. Guess I'll never be the same, but that's life as you said earlier." He flashed a smile at the confused man who responded with a scowl.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"Eh?"
"Shit happens, the one's left behind have to deal, but that doesn't mean we have to accept it with open arms. Life's a battle but wearing some fake smile is a crappy defense. You don't like it, fight back, prove that you're still alive."
Hakkai's smile slipped a little, this man whom he'd know for only an hour was nailing every one of his personal demons without even knowing it. It was pissing him off.
"What about you? Is your life so bad you want to throw it away like its garbage?"
"Hey man, you don't know shit about me!" anger burned behind a curtain of fiery hair.
"I know that there's someone in your past that had a habit of hitting you. That those scars on your cheek are years old, but the ones on your wrist aren't. I know that someone only knows life's a battle because they're fighting it everyday themselves. The smart one's aren't ignorant of how cruel the world can be." He bit back.
Hands clenched tightly in his collar, shaking him ruthlessly the red-head pushed him into the cot, anger swelling around him in a palpable cloud, Hakkai could almost taste it.
"You don't know shit man."
Hakkai was almost happy at the anger aimed at him; it meant he didn't have to look at his own demons.
"You're right. I don't. I'm as ignorant as anyone else about your past, but I'm not stupid either."
"Why?"
Hakkai glanced up into dark eyes.
"Why are you pushing me? What is it to you?"
"I'm not pushing you. I don't have the right to judge anyone. You can do what you want with your life, but I can't see any reason for you to take on whatever burden it is you're carrying alone."
"And what's your crime? What weight are you carrying?"
Hakkai closed his eyes and sighed, "I killed my lover."
"What?" shock spread across golden features, blanching them for a moment as the nameless man sat back.
"Car accident, I wasn't paying attention and ran a red light. We hit a truck. She died at the scene."
Hakkai turned away from the stranger and curled in upon himself. A shaky in take of breath came from his side as the man settled in against his shoulder, leaning back against Hakkai he whispered into the still air, "My brother killed our mom to stop her from beating me when I was a kid. He got out of juvy last week and skipped town. I went looking for him, but didn't get very far. Seems like he has a new 'family' now, and they didn't want me getting involved in his life. Gave me these as a goodbye present. Guess it all just came back, the blood and the screaming, didn't even know I was cutting until the blade got all slippery and stuff. Stupid, huh? It's not like I'm some weak kid anymore, I can make it on my own."
His voice cracked at the end. Hakkai rolled back over and wrapped his arms around the thin waist as the shutters ripped through his body, pulling the shaking form down to lay next to him on the small cot, their tears mingling as mutual shame and anguish poured out around them. They stayed that way for long moments, crying out the years of frustration and anguish, clinging to each other for all their worth.
"This is just stupid."
"What is?"
"I don't even know your name."
Hakkai laughed softly and ran fingers through crimson bangs before sitting up and leaning against the wall. "Hakkai. You?"
"Gojyo. Nice to meet you." Gojyo rolled over onto his back and threw an arm over his chest, glancing sideways at the green eyed man beside him.
"So, why are you on this boat, it doesn't go anywhere special."
"Ah. I'm headed for Mt. Claire, there's a small monastery there."
"What are you, a priest?" Gojyo snorted in disbelief.
"Not yet."
"What? Seriously? Why?" Gojyo sat up and stared at Hakkai.
"Ah, well, you see…" Hakkai floundered, hadn't he just said why?
"You're not giving up on everything because of the accident, are you?"
"It's a bit more complicated than that."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why's it more complicated? You said it was an accident. So why is it more complicated?"
Hakkai stared at Gojyo confused.
"Did you do it on purpose?"
"What?! No!"
"Did you mean for her to die?"
"Of course not! I loved her!"
"Then it's an accident. Another words: Not. Your. Fault. How's becoming a priest going to change what happened? Would she have wanted you to turn into a hermit because of an accident?"
"You don't understand! We were arguing, if I had just paid more attention to the road…"
Gojyo sat up and grabbed Hakkai by the shoulders, forcing him to look at him.
"Hey. Stop it. It's over. You understand me? There's nothing you could have done, arguing or not, and becoming a priest is just running away. It sounds like she probably wouldn't want you to do that either…I understand, because I was doing the same thing damnit!" Gojyo spat out, "There's nothing either one of us could have done! I was a kid and you were as much a victim as she was; only different is you have to live with it. I don't think there's a worse punishment."
Gojyo loosened his grip and sat back down on the cot. "What about you?"
"Hmm?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, I was planning on killing myself," Hakkai flinched at the words, "but it looks like I'm not allowed. Something about being an investment to some idiot or something."
Hakkai looked up startled. Gojyo smiled down at him and he could feel the pull of a similar one twitch at the corners of his own lips.
"Guess we're both a couple of idiots then, aren't we?"
"Heh, speak for yourself man, I'm a genius." Gojyo smiled broadly, eliciting a hearty laugh from Hakkai.
"Hey, that looks good on you."
Swiping at his eyes Hakkai glanced up at the red-head, "What does?"
"A smile. A real one. You should do that more often." Hakkai leaned back against the bulkhead and sighed, glancing out the pothole at the expanse of blue rolling past.
"Only if you do too. How about we make a deal?"
Gojyo leaned back on his hands and tipped his head sideways, "What kind of deal?"
"You don't jump again without me and I won't run away to some monastery."
"So we face our pasts together?"
"A united army is always better than a lone gunman, yes?"
Gojyo seemed to consider the idea for a second, "I don't do monasteries."
"Good, because I really hate heights." Hakkai's smile was reflected in ruby eyes.
"Seems like a deal then." Gojyo stuck his hand out, smiling broadly as Hakkai gripped it securely. It seems like he wasn't suited to a life of solitaire after all.
Standing up and stretching he reached out a hand and smiled as Gojyo took it and stood, following him up onto the deck of the ship and staring out at the expanse of green steadily drawing closer.
"Do we get off here?"
"No point in going back, is there?"
"Nope."
"Then we go forward. You ready?"
Taking a shaky breath they grinned at each other like kids, "Let's do it then."
"Onwards and Upwards?"
"Man, we gotta get you some new lines, that was just lame."
Gentle laughter flowed about them as they walked off the boat, "Looks like we have all the time in the world for you to teach me some new ones then, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, it sure does."
***
"And so a new path was forged. Pasts were conquered and friendships were formed. Life went on."
"And you still need better lines."
"Eh? What, you don't like it?"
"Man, I am not sending something that cheesy to my brother."
"But he contacted you first; it's only fair that we should tell him you're alright."
"Tell him sure, but you make it sound like some sappy soap opera, Hakkai."
"Ah, well, would you like me to tell him exactly what it is we're doing together, Gojyo?"
"You're a complete bastard sometimes, you know that?"
"Ah, I have heard that before I think."
"Fine. Fine. I can never win against you. Just stick a damn stamp on it and mail the stupid thing already."
"Yes. Yes."
"Where are we headed next?"
"Hmm…next ferry seems to be heading south."
"Then south it is."
"You have a final destination in mind or are we just going to keep hopping ferries?"
"No place in particular, you?"
"No. I've already found my home."
"See, it's shit like that that makes you sound like an old man."
"So now we're an old married couple?"
"Fucking hell, Hakkai! You wanna shout that a bit louder, I don't think people in Canada heard you."
"Do you actually care what people in Canada think about us?"
"Nah, it's just embarrassing."
"Why? It's me saying it."
"Yeah, that's what's embarrassing."
Hakkai draped an arm over the blushing red-head's shoulder and leaned against him heavily, "Why?"
"…."
"Tell me why, Gojyo."
"It's just strange."
"What's strange about saying you're my home."
"Because…"
"We have the unique opportunity to choose our family, so why should it be strange that I've chosen to be proud of mine being you?"
"I'm just not use to it, that's all."
"Then get use to it, because I'm not going anywhere."
He squeezed Gojyo's shoulder and then moved away, fingers lightly tangling together as he glanced around, sighting the next ferry he gripped Gojyo's fingers and pulled him along after him, smiling as he felt the grip tighten and their shoulders brush lightly against each other.
Their future was out there waiting for them, they just had to go out and find it. Gojyo grinned as he finally realized that this time he wouldn't be searching for it alone.
Fin.