My Immortal
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail and the song My Immortal do not belong to me.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by
All of my childish fears
Lucy sat quietly in the Guild Hall, trying to keep her mounting anxiousness to herself. She kept repeating in her mind over an over the same mantra, 'They are fine.' 'They probably got stuck having to do repairs.' 'Nothing is wrong.' Though as they days passed the reassurances felt hollow to herself. Her team had left three weeks ago to a mission that was only supposed to last a week at most. She would have of course had gone along with them, but due to certain circumstances she was unable to take missions that involved fighting.
She settled her hand on her slightly swelled stomach, a golden band glinting on her finger in the light. She smiled softly holding back the tears of worry that tried to creep up on her once again and began to whisper softly, "Everything will be okay. Daddy, Uncle Gray, Aunt Erza, Aunt Wendy, Charle and your brother Happy will be home soon and everything will be fine."
She was pulled from her thoughts from the sound of heavy boots hitting the floor and she looked up at the Iron Dragon Slayer and her best friend as they came over. Both sat on either side of her, and Levy passed over the small bundle in her arms over to the blonde-haired mage. Lucy smiled softly taking the baby and cooed softly down at him, "Everything will be fine Bunny," the rough man said next to her, throwing an arm around her shoulders, "Salamander is too stubborn."
She smiled at the thought of the stubborn man who forced her way into her life and her heart and leaned her head against Gajeel and Levy leaned against her other side, "He is isn't he?"
Levy let out a soft giggle, "He really is, Lu-chan. How you put up with his antics I will never know."
Lucy giggled slightly smiling at the sleeping baby who looked like a mini version of Gajeel, but had his mothers hair color, "It takes a lot of practice."
The three friends sat in silence after that and Lucy happily reveled in their silent support. The silence of the triad was shortly broken by the white-haired demon as she made her way over a milkshake in hand for the blonde, "Hello Lucy, I bring you gifts." Mira smiled happily at her friend putting the milkshake down, "Strawberry Milkshake with chilis."
Lucy smiled happily at the barmaid, "Thank you Mira."
"Of course, Lucy, let me know if you need or want anything else. You have two to eat for after all." Mira walked away then muttering about the new baby that would be joining their family soon. Hearts in her eyes.
Levy gently took the sleeping bundle from her friend's arms, so she could enjoy her drink as Gajeel scowled at it. Lucy merely sent a glare at him before taking a loud slurp and smirking at the disgusted look on the mans face and Levy just shook her head at the blonde's antics. She had no room to say anything she had craved iron and Mira had found a way to liquify it to add it to her foods. It was part of the process of carrying a child of a dragon slayer.
Lucy sat back enjoying her milkshake and trying to squash yet another wave of uneasiness that was trying to creep upon her once more. The arm around her tightened in a reassuring squeeze and she focused more on the delicious concoction she was sipping on. Her reverie was soon broken though by the doors banging open and her eyes widened at the sight of her team come rushing in. They didn't exchange any greetings and rushed quickly to the infirmary two bundles held in Gray's and Erza's arms. Fear gripped her heart at the sight of a mop of pink hair in the bundle in Gray's arms and she quickly stood the glass half full of milkshake falling to the floor.
She rushed into the infirmary she knew a few others were on her tail, but she ignored everyone around her. Her soul focus was on the injured man her brother held in his arms. She barged into the room her worry mounting at the looks on both Gray's and Erza's face and the tears that were pouring from them both. She looked worriedly at the two beds and saw the prone forms of both Natsu and Wendy. She could tell Wendy was in an exhausted slumber and felt some reassurance from that aspect she then turned her focus on her husband.
A sob clogged her form at the sight, he was too pale, and too still. His eyes were closed, and his face was serene but just from looking at him she knew. She rushed forward, Erza and Gray moving out of her way and she knelt beside the bed, a shaky hand reaching up to caress his face. He was cold, too cold, this wasn't right, he was supposed to be a furnace. None of this was right, where was his goofy smile, the love in his black eyes as he stared at her and told her not to worry. This wasn't her Natsu this was just an empty shell of the man she loved.
An earth shattering wail left the celestial mage's lips and she clung onto the prone form of the man on the bed. Sobs left her as she held onto him, "N-natsu," she choked out, "N-no, th-this isn't right. You, you c-can't le-leave me."
She felt arms wrap around her and felt her get pulled into an armored chest, she pushed back against the woman trying to get back to the man on the bed. Struggling in her grasp but the woman clung onto her and she felt the tears falling on her shoulder, "Lucy, please, he's gone. I'm sorry Lucy we couldn't save him. Wendy tried but it was too late."
She fell on her knees pulling the redhead with her sobs still wracking her body. He couldn't be gone he just couldn't. He promised her he would be back. This was supposed to be his last mission for a while and they were going to focus on getting ready for the baby. Oh god the baby. She then clung onto her stomach, their precious baby what was she going to do. She needed Natsu, their child needed Natsu, he couldn't just leave them. In the background her friends, her family talked but she could hear none of it. Her mind was a whirlwind she couldn't make heads or tales of anything. Nothing was alright.
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
A month had passed, one long month. Lucy sat silently in the house she once shared with the love of her life. The ghost of him lingered everywhere around her. The bed they once shared she could still feel the dip of when he would jump into bed. She could still feel his arms as they wrapped around her and he would nuzzle into her and take in her scent. When she would go into the kitchen she could still hear him asking her to make him fire chicken or her having to smack him away with a spoon as he tried to steal bits of food. When she tried to sit and read she could still feel when he would lay his head in her lap and she would run her fingers gently through his hair.
She could barely get herself to visit the guild, it felt so empty without his loud presence. Shouting out for a fight or pestering Mira for food. His laughter as he joked around with their guildmates or the bickering of him and Gray. Everything was so empty and hallow without him in it. He truly was the fire and passion in her life. The only thing that made her even bother was the child growing inside of her. She knew that she had to at least take care of herself for their child their precious daughter. If it wasn't for that she knew she would have let herself waste away.
She rolled over in their bed, tears threatening to fall once more at the sight of the empty side he once slept on. She just wishes the memories would fade away, that everything wouldn't remind her of him and that she could move past this. She had grieved before, her mother and her father but with this, it was so different. With Natsu, half of her left with him. She no longer held the tears back and they freely fell. She was jerked from her reminiscing when something small and warm borrowed itself into her chest. She looked down and gave a small painful smile to the blue winged cat that had joined her on the bed.
Happy snuggled closer to the woman tears falling down his face at the sight of the blonde woman who his best friend, his father loved, "Lushy," he said quietly, "I miss him too."
Lucy clung on tighter to the exceed and slowly sat up she smiled at the little blue furball who smiled back at her, "Come on Happy," she said tiredly, "Let's get ready to go to the guild. I'll get you some fish."
The cat's eyes lit up and he let out a little cheer and flew from the room. Lucy slowly stood and went to take a quick shower before changing into comfortable clothes. She then grabbed her keyring and hooked them onto her pants and grabbed a small clutch that had necessities in it and met Happy in the entryway. The cat chattering on happily about the different kinds of fish Mira might have. She followed the flying cat from the house, closing and locking the door. Her heart clenched slightly at memories just like this one, where another member of their group would be walking beside her, his arms would be rested on the top of his head as he would join happy talking about food.
She shook her head slightly pushing the painful memories from her mind. She noticed Happy was silent and was looking at her worriedly and she tried to smile reassuringly. The exceed quickly flew into her again and she pulled him into a hug. They then continued making their way along the path, both quiet in their own thoughts. She felt so lost, she was trying so hard to be strong for her unborn baby and for Happy, but she knew she was failing miserably. Everything reminded her too much of him and the fact that he was no longer there, and he would never be there again. How was she supposed to be a mother on her own, how was she supposed to be able to do this.
Why did he have to leave her? Why did he have to be so stubborn to take that last mission that lead to his death? Why didn't she stop him? Why couldn't his memory just stop haunting her every day? She was just tired and lonely and lost. She focused back on the exceed flying next to her, who kept giving her worried looks. She hated that she was worrying him and everyone else. She should be the one worrying about him not the other way around.
"Lushy," a quiet voice said next to her and she looked once more at the blue cat, "Natsu wouldn't want you to be so sad, Lushy."
Tears started streaming down her face once more and she quickly fought them back and wiped the lingering ones off her face, "I know, Happy," she whispered, "I know he wouldn't want us to be sad. It is just so hard not to be sad."
"Lushy, maybe we should do things to make us happy."
She smiled sadly at the cat, knowing he was trying to cheer her up, "We can try, Happy."
He then gave her a big smile and hugged her before flying ahead a bit and shouting back, "When we get to the guild I will share my fish with you." Lucy shook her head at the cat's antics a fond smile on her face, though the sadness still lingered behind her eyes.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just to real
There's just too much
That time cannot erase
Three months had passed now, three long months since Natsu left her. She was unable to really move out of the house much, the walk back and forth to the guild was too long of a trip for her to make in her condition. She knew she looked a fright, heavy eyes from lack of sleep due to nightmares and aches from her pregnancy as well as having to constantly pee. Her daughter seemed to think that her bladder made a perfect trampoline. She felt trapped inside her home. She thought by now the pain would have lessened but instead it had grown deeper.
She was trapped in the home that she had shared with him. The home she had moved into, after she had sanitized it, when Zeref and Acnologia fell. The home she had built up with her best friend and husband. The house that Natsu himself had built from the ground up and shared so many fond memories. She sat silently a box open at her feet. She had started packing up things that belonged to him that she had no use for being out. His clothes being the main thing and all of them still had his scent on them, a smoky woodsy smell and marshmallows that reminded her of a campfire.
She currently held one of his vests to her face, her tears soaking it as she breathed in the reminder of him. Slowly she pulled it back her heart clenching as she folded it slowly and slipped it gently into the box. That being the last article she needed to pack up. The only piece left out was Igneel's Scarf that she would be giving to their child. She sealed up the box and nudged it with her foot into the closet. She then collapsed on the bed memories once more taking hold of her.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by
The life you left behind
Everything they shared together. The first meeting when she didn't fall for the love charm to all the fights they shared as a team. When the future Rogue took over and killed her future self and that being the first time she ever saw him cry. To the times after everything with Zeref happened and Natsu would wake up at night from nightmares of becoming END and killing everyone he held dear. To all the laughter and antics, they would get up to. All of it assaulted her mind. The loneliness gripped her heart at the fact they would never make new memories together.
He had left her here alone with just his memory left. She was trying hard to take all the steps to move on, but her heart didn't want to move on. He was her first love and her last love. She knew she will probably never fall in love again and she was okay with that. If she didn't have a child that she had to care for she probably would have gladly followed him into the afterlife. She hated herself in these moments for how weak she truly was.
How one man owned her so completely that she would willingly join him in death's sweet embrace. She couldn't though she wasn't the only one she had to care for and she wouldn't leave her daughter an orphan. She just wished she didn't have to be alone and do this without him. She screamed out her frustration and her anger. She threw his pillow across the room, hot and fresh angry tears falling down her face. She was a broken woman now, a broken widow left to care for herself and her unborn child. A man that seemed so faultless, seemed like he would never leave, that seemed to be immortal in all the battles they faced. Left her a soulless shell of herself so alone and so afraid of what was to come.
Deep down she knew she had the guild and they would help her and she knew she wasn't truly alone, but they weren't what she wanted. They weren't the person she needed to help her continue. She punched the bed angrily, letting out another frustrated yell. She didn't even notice the doorbell sound of one of her keys opening but then she felt strong arms wrap around her pulling her into a firm chest. She looked up at the auburn-haired Zodiac King who just held her rocking her back and forth.
She choked back the angry tears, "Loke what are you doing here?"
He smiled down at her sadly, "You shouldn't be alone Lucy. We are worried about you."
She pulled back glaring at him, "I don't need your pity Leo."
The lion let out a sigh, "I'm not giving you pity princess. We just are worried, we care about you and wanted to let you know you're not alone. You never are alone too many people love you for that to be the case."
White hot rage seared through her and she knew it was unfounded as she slapped angrily at the spirit's chest, "I'm not alone!? People care and love me!? If that is the case, why did he leave me!? Why did he leave us!?" she yelled out now pounding on the lion's chest.
He sat there silently letting her rage against him until she finally stopped yelling and just sat there crying into him. He gently stroked her hair until she fell into a fitful slumber and he gently laid her on the bed. Just watching her as she laid there for a few moments before he left once more in a shower of golden sparks.
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
Lucy awoke with a gasp and felt the empty side of the bed. Tears began to fall once again as she felt the cold surface. The dream it felt so real, as though he was right there with her, showing her how much he loved her. She sat up silently the anger from earlier having faded and replaced with a cold emptiness. She felt guilty how she treated Loke and she knew ranting and raving wouldn't bring him back. Nothing would bring him back to her. She had pushed herself so far away from everybody and secluded herself completely.
Her hand rested on the large bump of her stomach and she then curled around it sobbing once more. How can she be strong and resilient, be what she needed to be for their child? She is nothing but a broken empty shell. A half life now. Part of her soul died that day with Natsu and she just was so empty and cold. She only was putting herself through the motions, but she truly wasn't living anymore. She wasn't seeing her guild, she locked herself away in their home, refusing to see visitors. She had even chased Happy away. She was a mess.
What had she done to everyone who cared about her, how could they forgive her for her blow ups and her pushing them away. How can she even call herself a Fairy Tail Mage? She sat up once more and looked at the empty spot on her bed and remembered the dream that was only a faded memory. His taste that was all spice and smoke, the heat of his fingers, his smoky sweet smell, all of that was just a memory. He wasn't coming back to her, just like her mother and father weren't coming back. She was ashamed at herself at what she allowed herself to be in her grief.
She reached over and grabbed her beloved keys holding them tightly to her chest. She felt the warmth of their magic against her heart giving her a soothing feeling. She slowly brought them to her lips placing a gentle kiss on each key and whispering an apology for how she had been the past few months. Slowly she stood and made her way into the bathroom relieving herself and then drawing a bath. Once it was filled she slowly lowered herself into the bubbles thinking back on memories that she realized weren't as painful as they once were.
She felt as though she was cleansing herself of the anger she was feeling towards everyone and everything in that moment. She knew the sadness and emptiness would always be a part of her, as those parts belonged solely to Natsu, but she couldn't be angry anymore. She lost herself in her thoughts, tracing patterns in the bubbles when she was pulled out of her feelings by the sound of one of her keys opening. She sat in shock at the sight of the blue mermaid who was her mother figure ever since her mother's passing.
Aquarius looked at her with a soft smile for once and then pulled the blonde into her embrace. Nothing was spoken between the two as the mermaid gently washed her hair and back softly humming a gentle tune. They sat there for what felt like hours the only sound was the gentle melody before the blue-haired woman gave her a gentle kiss on top of her head and vanished. She was then replaced by her pink-haired maid who as like the other spirit said nothing just gave her a gentle smile. She helped her from the tub and dressed her in a comfortable pair of sleepwear and led her back to sleep. Like the mermaid she placed a gentle kiss on her mistress's head before she too vanished in a shower of golden sparkles.
I've tried so hard
To tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
A couple days had passed before Lucy finally found herself leaving the place she had secluded herself in for the past couple months. She slowly made her way through the wooden path and stopped before the church. She steeled herself before slowly making her way around the building and stopping before a grave. She hadn't been back here since his burial which she knew at first was to make it seem less real, so she could try to pretend it was a bad dream.
She held back her tears and ran her fingers along the engraving of his name. Her face was held in a blank mask that she had learned all those years ago as an heiress. She just stared at the marble for a few minutes before she began to speak softly, "You know, I never thought you would leave me. I always thought when the time came I would be the first one to go. I was never able to picture my life without you. Ever since we met that day in Hargeon, you were always a constant in my life."
She paused feeling her eyes watering but pushed them back forcing herself to stay with the expressionless mask, "Parts of me wants to hate you for this, you know. You left me alone and pregnant. We have a daughter on the way, I'm due any day now and you won't be a constant in her life like mine. You won't be there to hear her first word, see her take her first steps. To cheer her on when she displays her first magic, which I'm pretty sure she is a dragon slayer like you were. You won't be there to fight off the boys when she hits her teen years. I really hate this. I want you to be there for it all but you won't be.
It's been hard, every morning waking up and you aren't there smothering me with your furnace that you called a body. Sneaking in on me while I'm bathing or stealing my panties to play ninja with Happy. You haven't been there while I've been puking my guts out because our daughter is already a little terror and making me sick in the morning and has been using my bladder as a trampoline. You aren't here anymore, and I hate it. I want to hate you for this, gods do I want to, but I can't. It's not fair that I love you too much to hate you. You know I wanted to join you too, but I can't because I have our daughter to worry about."
She let out a sigh and let a single tear fall, "I just wish you were still here. I don't know if I'm strong enough without you. I know I must be, but I don't know if I can be. I just wish you would come out of no where with that stupid goofy smile of yours and take away all this pain. I know its supposed to get easier and I know time did make it easier with my parents, its just this is so different then them. I feel like with you, you stole half of my soul."
She then slowly turned away from the grave and made her way towards the guild. She had to be strong even if she didn't want to be. It wasn't just about her and her loneliness she had her daughter to think of as well. After all that was all she had left of Natsu and she couldn't abandon her.
When you cried
I wiped away all of your tears
When you screamed
I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me