Title: A Time To Cry, A Time To Laugh
Author: Ronda Sexton
Series: Voyager--AU
Code: J/P
Sequel To: Betrayal's Sting
Rating: PG 13
Summary: A look at how Tom and Kathryn cope after Tom breaks off their
relationship due to the events in 30 Days.
A Time To Cry, A Time To Laugh
Tom Paris sat in a quiet corner of Sandrines nursing his drink.
Tonight, he
had found out how many friends he had. So many people had come to
Sandrines
tonight to see him, and let him know that he had their support. This
helped
him a little, but did nothing to fill the empty spot in his heart. The
spot
that had once been filled with a deep love for Kathryn......Captain
Janeway,
he mentally corrected himself.
Setting his empty glass on the table, he ordered the computer to shut
down
the program and left for his quarters. The corridors were empty at this
late
hour. In a way, that pleased Tom. He had appreciated the outpouring of
support that the crew had given him, but now he just wanted to be alone
with
his thoughts.
He paused a second before entering his access code to gain entry to his
quarters. He knew they would be empty. As he walked inside, loneliness
flooded his soul. There was no warm greeting, no soft arms embracing
him, no
velvety lips brushing his. Cold silence welcomed him home.
He hurried to the sleeping area, stripping off his uniform as he went.
He
sat heavily down on the bed, staring morosely at the trail of clothing
he'd
left behind him. Deciding he'd pick all of the discarded clothing in
the
morning as he usually did.... A surge of fiery anger shot through
him as
a memory sprang unbidden to his mind. He leaped to his feet and quickly
gathered his clothing and stuffed them into the cleaning processor. He
sighed and flopped down on the bed once more. Many a time he and
Kathyrn had
left clothes on the floor in their haste to make love. With a weary
sigh he
sadly crept under the covers to try to sleep. He could only hope the
horrific nightmares had been left behind in the brig....
In another set of quarters, Kathryn Janeway bolted up to a sitting
position.
The same nightmare that had plagued on a nightly basis since she had
sentenced
Tom woke her once more. She was shaking, tears streamed down her
cheeks, and
her gown was drenched with sweat. Before, on the rare occasion that she
had a
nightmare, Tom had often been there to comfort her. She stared at the
empty
space beside her on the bed. Tom would not be there anymore. The words
from
his message on the PADD rang in her mind with clarity.
It is over. I have returned your belongings and taken mine back to
my quarters. I could never trust you with my heart again.
He had seemed to understand her actions on the day she reduced him in
rank and
sentenced him to 30 days of solitary confinement. She had been so angry
with
him for forcing her to do the things she had that day. He had
undermined her
authority. He had disobeyed her direct orders. She did not have any
choice
other than to discipline him.
Finally, her trembling stopped. She walked over to the closet and got a
fresh
gown to replace the sweat soaked one. After quickly changing, she
returned to
her bed. She turned away from the empty spot beside her and drifted
into a
troubled sleep.
Tom thrashed wildly on his bed as the horrors of the nightmare played
out
again. He sat upright with a scream. Gasping for air, he opened his
eyes and
saw he was safe in his quarters. The nightmares about the torpedo
hitting
the Delta Flyer had plagued him nightly along with nightmares about his
father. Adm. Owen Paris had a near perfect public image, however his
image
in private life was very different. Tom's childhood had been one of
repeated
verbal and emotional abuse by his father.
Tom willed himself to calm down. In the brig, his screams had so
disturbed
the guards, that the Doctor was summoned to sedate him. After a time,
he
begged the sedation be stopped for it prevented him from waking up from
his
nightmares. When the Doctor approached the Captain about solitary
confinement
in his quarters instead of the brig, with the theory that familiar
surroundings could help lessen Tom's nightmares, she had flatly refused
the
request. At long last, Tom calmed himself enough to sleep once more.
The next morning at the briefing, Tom sat as far away from the Captain
as
possible. He was quiet during the meeting, only speaking when spoken
to.
The rest of the Senior Staff felt the palatable tension in the air and
were
extremely uncomfortable. It was a relief to everyone when the meeting
was
over.
On the bridge, Tom followed every order without delay. He responded to
commands with short, polite acknowledgments. The sparkle had been so
prevalent a month ago was gone. Instead a sober demeanor ruled his
reactions. Chakotay watched Tom and Kathyrn carefully. They were both
suffering. Word had gone around the ship like wildfire that Tom had
ended
their relationship. He could only hope that they would eventually
recover
from their sorrows, and return to their usual happy dispositions.
Days went by, and Tom and Kathryn remained unhappy. Something would
have to
be done. He and Tom had come to respect each other, perhaps it would be
best
to approach Tom. He approached Tom, who was sitting alone in Sandrines.
"Mind if I join you, Tom?" asked Chakotay softly.
"Pull up a chair, Chakotay." he answered in a quiet tone.
"Tom, we've all been worried about you and the Captain. You're both so
unhappy. Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Chakotay.
Tom shrugged. His blue eyes were dull and listless. "I don't know if
anything could help Chakotay. The Captain sure forgot her broken heart
in a hurry. You saw how she took up with Kashyk. That bastard used her to
try to get to the telepaths." Fiery anger flared in Tom's eyes. It had been
so hard to watch Kathryn with that bastard.
After hearing Tom's statement and observing his body language, Chakotay
realized he was right. Tom still did love the Captain. His jealousy
over Janeway's attentions and fling with Kashyk spoke volumes.
"Tom," he began cautiously. "My people take vision quests with spirit
guides
to help us with troublesome events in our lives. I could show you how
do
take a vision quest."
Tom stared at the Commander, realizing that he was willing to share a
deeply
personal thing with him. Right now, between the nightmares and his deep
sorrow, he was ready to try anything that could possibly help him.
"I would like that, Commander. When can we start?" asked Tom, who was
feeling somewhat hopeful.
"If you can come to my quarters now, I can help you get started."
Chakotay rose from his chair and Tom did likewise.
They make the trip to Chakotay's quarters in silence. Once inside,
Chakotay
took his medicine bundle and indicated Tom should sit across from him on
the
floor. Tom watched in respectful silence as Chakotay opened the bundle
and
explained the significance of each item. He continued listening as
Chakotay
explained to him how to proceed as Chakotay started the ritual for him.
Tom found himself in a forest. As he had been instructed by Chakotay, he
refrained from speaking aloud as he searched around the forest.
Suddenly an
he became aware of an eagle perched on a rock in the clearing. The
eagle
cocked her head and stared at him. He realized this was his spirit
guide.
"I have many questions to ask of you," said Tom softly.
The eagle cocked her head again. "You may proceed, little one." The
eagle
answered him.
"What should I do? I am so unhappy. I did what I thought was right,
and
could have been killed for my efforts."
The eagle ruffled her feathers. "Do you think you are the only one who
suffers from this? Come with me and see another whose suffering is far
greater than your own. The location changed and he found that they were
now in the Captain's quarters.
"Are we really here?" he asked quietly.
"These are but shadows of things that are. She is dreaming, let us see
her
dream."
Tom suddenly found himself observing the Captain's dream along with the
eagle. He saw her, watching the screen in horror as the Delta Flyer blew
up.
Then he saw himself horribly burned and battered, demanding answers from
the
Captain who was sitting in her quarters now.
"Why did you kill me, Kathryn? I thought you loved me." The specter's
eyes
glared at her accusingly. "You killed me!! I was doing what was right,
and
you killed me."
Kathryn Janeway wept bitterly. She offered no defense. The specter
moved
closer to her. It's arms reaching out to take her. There was anger in
its
eyes. Kathryn screamed out, "I'm sorry, Tom. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I
love you so much. I love you and I miss you terribly."
Suddenly, he found himself staring at Chakotay. He started briefly,
then asked, "How long was I on the quest?"
"About an hour, Tom," answered Chakotay.
He reached over and grasped Chakotay's hand. "Thank you, Chakotay, my
spirit guide has shown me many things, and I know what I need to do now."
Chakotay nodded, and Tom stood and left the room quickly. Without
hesitation, he hurried to Kathryn's quarters.
He pressed the announcer to request entry. He could hear muffled
screams
coming from within. Deciding to risk earning the Captain's anger, he
entered
the access code and walked to the sleeping area while she tossed in the
throes of a nightmare. He knew what the nightmare was, and hurried to
the
bed to awaken her from the horrors plaguing her in the dream.
Sitting on the bed beside her, he gently shook her. "Wake up, Kathryn,
it's only a bad dream."
She jerked awake with a start. She jumped when she saw Tom sitting by
her on
the bed.
"Shhh, it's all right."
She stared at him in wordless shock. He was here in her quarters.
He pulled her still trembling body into his arms. Tears were stinging
his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I hurt you deeply."
They both shuddered with the force of their sobbing. They held each
other and
cried for a long time.
Finally, Tom cupped her face in his hands. "Can you find it in your
heart to
forgive me for being such an idiot and breaking up with you?" he
whispered
softly.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak without crying again.
He drew her lips to his and kissed her. The kiss was tender and
comforting at
first, but grew stronger and more passionate.
"Oh, Tom," she breathed softly. "Make love to me. Please, I need
reassurance
that this is real and not a dream."
"It's real, Kathryn," he assured her as he lowered her down on the bed
with a
soft laugh. She smiled and laughed along with him just before his lips
claimed hers once more. They were together again. They had weathered
the
worse storm of their relationship. What had begun in tears, ended in
love and laughter.
THE END