Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. We just borrowed them. But after what we've done to them here, I doubt they'll want them back. No infringement intended.
Summary: This is a round robin done on the J/C Index message board. The author's name is listed in parentheses after each passage. It's a silly little tale that has no plot and no point whatsoever. It does, however, have plenty of humor, and a lot of chaos. It's further proof that the lot of us need thorough psychological testing, and perhaps a nice in-patient program somewhere where we can wear ugly pajamas, drink bad coffee, and babble about J/ C all day long. I'm tellin' ya, we're nuts! Read at your own risk!
J/C Index Round Robin(Or, Chakotay, why are you wearing my underwear?)
Captain Kathryn Janeway whirled, her blue eyes snapping fire. She had gone from amusement to anger in a hurry. Her gaze swept the room, pinning the junior officers to the wall with her death glare. "All right, people! No one is getting naked, understood? That's an order!" She raised a delicate eyebrow. "And Mr. Paris ... remove your hand, or I'll remove your arm!" (LadyChakotay)
Not even a whisper of a breath could be heard around the room. Tom's hand was just holding position never making it to its original destination. Janeway's anger was quickly turning back to amusement as she surveyed the disarray of both the room and her officers. It was all she could do to continue faking the death glare she directed, at her pilot, who for the moment didn't seem to be breathing. She was distracted by a familiar laugh that had just walked into the room. "Captain, Neelix started it." (VoyagerCat)
"I
don't care who started it, gentlemen," she replied. "But, as Captain,
it's my duty to end it."
"Aw, but Captain . . ."
Ignoring their imploring she grabbed the large spoon that Tom had been reaching
for, held it up like a sling shot and let it go.
The soft custard flew through the air and hit . . . (Susan DeFluke)
...Seven of
Nine, who had just arrived.
"Captain, I fail to see the purpose of throwing this substance," the
former Borg said through a mouthful of custard.
Tom replied, "It's an old tradition..." (Aeris)
"Who are you calling old, Mr. Paris?" Janeway smirked. She couldn't help but notice the playful gleam in Chakotay's dark eyes. Before she could stop herself, she picked up a large, very soggy... (LadyChakotay)
smelly dish of Leola-root. "Captain, fair warning, you don't want to do what you're thinking."
"Commander, you have no idea what I'm thinking." The hand started to move toward... (VoyagerCat)
the plate but as she picked it up she was hit with a creamy white substance that landed in her face. Wiping it from her eyes she caught the smirking eyes of... (Emily)
Harry whose smirk turned to horror as he realized that Chakotay had ducked and that he had hit the Captain square in the face. The death glare returned as she stared at The Commander but it dissipated to raucous laughter when she saw the big glob of oatmeal sticking to his... (Anne)
tattoo. It was sliding down his cheek, getting stuck in his dimple that just happened to be showing. Chakotay ran his tongue over... (VoyagerCat)
Kathryn's lips, licking off the whipped cream originally intended for him. The simple licking motion quickly escalated into a rather passionate kiss, smearing both captain and commander with oatmeal and whipped cream. A voice cried out... (Aeris)
"Commander, remove your tongue or I'll remove your..." (VoyagerCat)
Before Janeway could finish the comment, she looked up to notice the mess hall completely deserted. (Aeris)
The dimples grew along with the sparkle in her eyes. "Kathryn, if I'm not mistaken, did someone say something about getting... (VoyagerCat)
"...you drunk for your birthday? Have you and B'Elanna already been nipping at the Romulan Ale?" He ignored her indignant glare and reached up to playfully wipe the last trace of whip cream from her lips. "I can tell you've been drinking by the way you hold your..." (LadyChakotay)
ice cold
spoon up the inside of my shirt. Don't play games with me, Kathryn. An ice-cold
spoon means something serious."
He shivered and she . . . (Susan
DeFluke)
...grinned wickedly. "Really?" she drawled, raising a provocative eyebrow. "Then I suppose now would be the appropriate time to tell you that I..." (LadyChakotay)
"Have a special way of warming that ice-cold spoon." She reached for his.... (VoyagerCat)
shirt but before she could he grabbed her wrist. "I think I will warm the spoon between your…" (Anne)
body and
mine." Chakotay said seductively. He pinned Janeway to the wall with a
penetrating gaze, holding her wrists in one hand and the spoon in the other as
he allowed his eyes to roam over her. Slowly, torturously slowly, he pulled her
toward him.
Kathryn felt a blush creep across her cheeks as the heat shot throughout her
body. "Why, Commander," she smirked, "If I didn't know better, I
would think you actually had a hard..."
(LadyChakotay)
...stressful day. Your muscles are so tight. Let me rub your... (VoyagerCat)
taut muscles with my finger and ease the stress."
"What? The spoon too warm for you now? I could dip it back in your. .
."
"Now, now," she grinned cheekily. "That is reserved for desert.
Right now I'm going to pleasure your poor abused shoulders."
"That's not quite what I had in mind. I really wanted to . . ." (Susan De Fluke)
"Uh uh uh…"
she scolded. "First things first,
Commander. I'm going to rub your back.
Just lie down on the floor."
Chakotay grinned like a school boy. It must be the Romulan Ale making her so
aggressive. Who cares? He wasn't going to look a gift grope in the mouth - so
to speak. Reluctantly, he tore his gaze away from her and released her wrists.
Harry Kim wiped the sweat from his brow. He couldn't believe he was doing this!
The things he let Paris talk him into sometimes...
"There!" shouted B'Elanna. "You got it! Nice work,
Starfleet." She shot him a proud grin and gestured to the live action
picture they now had of the command team on the view screen. Chakotay was face
down on the floor, and their dignified captain was straddling him, her hands
kneading the muscles in his neck as a huge smile spread across her face.
"Would you look at that? They're alone for five minutes and already
they've dropped to the floor! If I didn't know better, I'd swear Janeway was
part Klingon."
"I must remind you that what you are doing is against Starfleet Regulation
Number..."
"Shhh, Tuvok!" Interrupted Paris. "I don't believe it! Janeway's
about to..." (LadyChakotay)
grab the whip-cream." There was a collective gasp in the room as Janeway started to dab the whip-cream over his... (VoyagerCat)
…hair. Tom wrinkled his nose. "And I thought you had some weird ideas of foreplay, B'Elanna."
Torres punched him in the chest. "Shut up, flyboy, before I tear your tongue out and wear it as a belt!"
"See what I mean?" Tom wheezed. (LadyChakotay)
Meanwhile,
the objects of discussion were continuing with their massage until Janeway
suddenly sat up.
"I've got the feeling that someone's watching us," she said to
Chakotay.
"Probably Paris and company. They did seem to clear out too quickly when
we began kissing earlier," Chakotay replied.
"No need to give them any more of a show than they are already getting.
Computer," Janeway said, hearing the chirp of confirmation,
"site-to-site transport to my quarters, authorization
Janeway-alpha-five-one-pi."
As Paris and company watched the command team shimmer away... (Aeris)
I can't believe they did that!" Paris complained. "Now what do we do?"
B'Elanna looked up at him. "Simple. We just measure their smiles tomorrow
morning, Helm Boy. That should give us a clue to what they get up to - wherever
they went." (Susan DeFluke)
"No way!" said Paris, shaking his head. "Harry, get that picture back! Hurry!"
Harry looked at his friend with a furrowed brow. "You're starting to worry me, Tom. You're a little too excited to spy on the captain."
"And you're a little too sweet, Harry. That's why your Buster Kincaid and I am Captain Proton. Now get the picture back before we miss something!"
"Okay…" said Ensign Kim, shaking his head. (LadyChakotay)
Meanwhile, two figures appeared on the Captain's floor; one still sitting on
the other holding the still unnoticed pot of whipped cream in her hand.
"Better?" he asked.
"Oh yes," she purred. And slowly tipped the pot up and watched the
thick cold glop fall onto his heated skin.
In the corridor outside two passing ensigns heard a howl. . . (Susan DeFluke)
"AAHHH!!!
That stuff's cold, Kathryn," Chakotay howled.
"Oh, I'm sorry, do you want me to clean it off of you?" Kathryn said
in a thick and sultry voice.
Chakotay grinned evilly in spite of his discomfort. "I've got an
idea..." (Aeris)
Before Kathryn could react, Chakotay had spun around pulling her on top of him. The evil grin became downright devilish. "Commander, you wouldn't dare!"
"Captain, that's where you are wrong. I most certainly would dare." Janeway felt a shiver run through her as he lightly brushed his... (VoyagerCat)
warm spoon across the pot of whipped cream and flicked it at her. It landed on her . . . (Susan DeFluke)
…face. She gasped at the cold sensation.
"All right, Chakotay," she huffed. "This is war!"
Their sexually intense moment suddenly turned into a raging food fight as Kathryn poured the rest of her bottle of Romulan Ale over his head, and the bright blue liquid trickled down his face. (LadyChakotay)
In the other room Harry was yelling at Tom. "I can't believe we are watching this. WE are going to end up in the brig!"
"Don't worry I am recording the entire thing. That way in case..." (Anne)
...we get
caught, we'll use the recording to bargain for our freedom." grinned
Paris.
"BLACKMAIL the captain?" Harry Kim paled at the very thought.
Paris shook his blonde head and clapped his buddy on the shoulder. "Harry,
Harry, Harry! It's only considered blackmail if you..."
"Shhhh!!!" Interrupted Torres. "Someone just rang Janeway's door
chime!!! They're about to get busted."
The bridge fell immediately silent as all eyes were glued to the image of
Janeway on the view sceen.
Kathryn used some rather colorful language as she pushed Chakotay away and
staggered to the door. It slid open to reveal a very stunned Seven of Nine.
"What?" snapped Janeway.
"Captain..." Seven replied, looking in confusion at the whip cream
smeared all over her commanding officer, and the supine image of the ship's
first officer on the floor, also covered in the sweet confection. "I have
discovered some disturbing news. Apparently, there is a cloaked ship off our
starboard bow, and they have somehow been venting an intoxicating gas into our
environmental systems. The crew, yourself included, are apparently ... drunk. I
believe the aliens plan to..."
Before she could finish her statement, an alarm began to sound and she heard
the distinctively slurring voice of Paris say, "Red Alert! Captain Janeway
to the bridge!"
"Damn!" Janeway cursed. "Chakotay, hand me a phaser! I'm going
to shoot..." (LadyChakotay)
Mmy slef in the foot. Thas waay we doont havve tooo fight wid our handz." She frowned and watched two Chakotay's get to their feet.
"I think, Captin, that yoo are drrunk, an that putsh mee in command. And I
saay we finish the crim . . .the crem . . .the cram - or whatever it
wass," he drawled. He was less than steady on his feet and he leaned on
Janeway to hold himself up. They both fell, Chakotay on top of Janeway.
Chakotay lifted his head and said . . .
(Susan DeFluke)
. . . "I think I'm going to be sick." He had turned a slightly borgish-green. "Oh not you don't Commander! Not on me you're not."
To late, Chakotay had just... (VoyagerCat)
...emptied his stomach's contents at Seven of Nine's feet. "Commander!" Seven looked in disgust at her boots: "I assume you are not able to command this vessel in your current state."
Both the captain and Chakotay started to grin: "Whoooooooo sad weeeeeeeee wanned to?!?" Janeway started to kiss Chakotay again. Seven stared at her two commanding officers. Before... (Inca)
. . . she could get a birds-eye view of a
part of humanity she had no interest in, she turned on her heels and marched
away.
Half in and half out of the Captain's quarters, two people sucked face.
Meanwhile on the Bridge . . . (Susan DeFluke)
Tuvok,
after getting no response to his repeated hails to the Captain's quarters,
assembled a security detail to check on Janeway.
Upon arriving at her quarters (which took a while due to the seriously
inebriated state of the security officers) they saw... (Aeris)
…Captain Janeway bursting through the door, almost knocking them off their unsteady feet. Before they even had a chance to steady themselves, Commander Chakotay followed behind her. "Kathryn, wait! You forgot to put on your…" (LadyChakotay)
...boots." Janeway stopped and looked back to see Chakotay holding a pair of boots in one hand. She smiled as she looked down at her feet, then his.
"Commander, I believe you are mistaken." She nodded to ten toes wiggling on the carpeted deck.
"So I am." He stated as he looked at his bare feet. "If the boots are mine, this must belong to you." Chakotay held out his other hand. He was holding a… (VoyagerCat)
lacy pink
bra. The color drained from Janeway's face. She quickly composed herself, as
best as she could given her current condition, and walked calmly over to
Chakotay. She took the undergarment from his hand, ignoring the snickering of
the security staff still watching from her door. She regarded Chakotay with a
raised eyebrow, and then shot a quick death glare at the security officers.
"As you were." she said, and then walked away as if nothing untoward
had occurred.
"Wow!" muttered Ensign Myers from security. "I never knew the
captain had such great..."
(LadyChakotay)
... hands." "Hands?!?" Ayala rolled his eyes. "how can you think about hands, with this wonderful..." (Inca)
Irish-red wig I just picked up off the floor."
Myers gasped, and giggled. "Are you going to take it back?"
"Na. I have a much better idea . . ."
(Susan DeFluke)
"NO!"
said Myers. "We are NOT going to take that wig to Tom. Have a little
respect for the Captain's relationship. I think she'll have my hide and yours
if this turns up in the betting pools."
"That's right, give me my wig back," replied Janeway, who had
mysteriously reappeared at the door.
A voice called out from the room...
(Aeris)
"Kathryn,
I could use some assistance, these are one hell of a tight fit."
Janeway turned to see Chakotay attempting to squeeze himself into a pair
of... (Living Witness)
... her
extra uniform trousers by mistake. She stifled a smile and rolled her eyes.
"That's because those are my pants, Chakotay."
Ayala failed to suppress a giggle. "Guess that means we can tell the
betting pool that Chakotay finally got into the captain's pants, huh
Myers?"
Before Janeway could retort, a familiar voice came through her combadge.
"Captain Janeway," said Tuvok. "May I remind you that we are at
Red Alert? The alien ship is about to..."
(LadyChakotay)
... well in his exact words, 'blow us the hell up' You are needed on the bridge Captain."
"I'm coming Commander, keep your pants on. Janeway out."
"My pants are on, well your pants are on." Chakotay was laughing so hard he could hardly speak.
"Chakotay, I'm not talking to you, I've got bigger problems than pants. Where the hell is my... (VoyagerCat)
"...turtleneck?
I can't go to the Bridge without a place to put my pips! Where did you throw
it?" Janeway griped, not noticing said shirt not two feet in front of her.
"Kathryn...it's right there," Chakotay replied, pointing to the
discarded turtleneck. Janeway picked up the shirt and, upon examining the
shirt, said "Oh, no..."
(Aeris)
...MY PIPS ARE GONE!" Captain Janeway looked around. "Where are they? I need them, I don't want the crew to get suspicious!"
Chakotay looked, and saw something glimmer out of the corner of his eye,
"There! Under the... (Commander
Kathryn Lee Janeway)
Unfortunately,
the glimmer that Chakotay saw was not any of Janeway's pips but was the pocket
watch that he had given her for her 40th birthday.
"No, Chakotay, that's my watch under the end table...OWWW!" Janeway
said, noticing a pain in her foot. She lifted her foot up and saw... (Aeris)
. . .Chakotay's rank bar. "Chakotay? You are wearing my turtleneck as well as my pants! Do you want my panties too??"
Chakotay winced. "Actually, I think I already am. I never realized you had
such a small . . . (Susan DeFluke)
"…butt, Kathryn!"
She raised an eyebrow at him and then grinned wickedly. "Well, you certainly should. You spend enough time staring at it, Commander. Now would you please put your own clothes on, you look ridiculous. We need to get to the bridge before Tuvok…" (LadyChakotay)
"takes my job away from me." Chakotay just grimed like a Cheshire cat.
"Would
that be so bad? Just think of all the fun we could have if you didn't have to
be the boss." Janeway was about to answer her gorgeous, intoxicated first
officer with a big...
(VoyagerCat)
...playful slug on the arm when the ship lurched violently, tossing both she
and Chakotay to the deck. Janeway felt her head impact with the floor at the
same moment the lights went out - though whether they were hers or the ship's,
she couldn't tell. Was it dark? Or was she momentarily blinded by the blow to
her head? She didn't know.
What she did know, however, was that she felt a familiar tingle in the pit of
her stomach. A transporter beam! She was being transported somewhere. Just
before she dematerialized, she reached out a hand and, with all her strength,
grabbed a hold of ...
(LadyChakotay)
Chakotay's arm. Both were then transported. When they finally rematerialized, it took awhile for both of them to realize where they were. Looking over the familiar landscape, they turned to each other and said in unison, "We are on… (Kayla)
New Earth!" Suddenly the monkey came out of hiding. Kathryn knelt before the monkey and reached our her arms. Without hesitation, the monkey stepped forward into her waiting arms. Chakotay couldn't believe his eyes when suddenly they... (LaDonna)
were transported back to Voyager where they ended up on the bridge. The monkey was sitting in the captain's chair, or was it the captain sitting in the monkey's chair? The answer to that and many other questions, such as... Where the hell is my toothbrush and is the monkey really 7 of 9? can be found in... (VoyagerCat)
watching reruns of "The Three Stooges"! Things were getting stranger when 7 of 9 entered the bridge. When the monkey saw her, it shrieked and grabbed her left boob! Suddenly, sawdust was everywhere! The bridge erupted in laughter! Chakotay yelled, "Seven, you're… (Barbara)
making a mess all over the bridge!" Laughter turned to astonishment as more and more sawdust appeared on the bridge. Suddenly, Seven fell to the floor with her legs jerking every which way! Finally, the movements quit. Chakotay walked over to her and knelt. "She's gone! There is nothing left except this!" as he held up the skin of Seven. Everything was very quiet. Suddenly, the Captain grabbed the monkey and started kissing it! "I love you, love you, love you! I have been trying to get rid of her for ages!" (Rayanne)
The End