Owning Up
Ianto invites you to a chat
Gwen is joining the chat
Jack is joining the chat
Tosh is joining the chat
Owen is joining the chat
Ianto:
I'm back. There are now chocolate biscuits in the cupboard, Jack. And those plain ones that you like, Owen. And I got Gwen's jammie dodgers. Tosh, sorry, they didn't have any custard creams. You'll have to share with the others. And I got some special Blue Mountain coffee from Jamacia. I am making it now, so you had better find your coffee cups and bring them down to me if you want some while it is hot.
Jack:
Do you think we are made of money? How come you are buying the most expensive coffee in the world?
Ianto:
Because I want to make sure that whoever isn't getting any for the next month REALLY knows what they're missing.
Gwen:
???
Ianto:
Who had the SUV out last?
Tosh:
Thanks for looking for the biscuits for me, Ianto. I can suffer through a chocolate digestive. And no, I didn't take the SUV out recently. I can't reach the pedals without moving the seat forward and you KNOW how snippy Owen gets about that! I'll go get my cup.
Tosh has left the chat.
Gwen:
Not my driving day on the rota.
Owen:
We don't HAVE a rota!
Gwen:
Ha-ha. That's what you think. Has it never occurred to you that you only do field missions on a Sunday and you always get to drive then? Your rota day is Sunday!
Owen:
I thought that was just Jack being a bastard and calling me in on a weekend. Where the fuck is this rota posted anyhow?
Jack:
Hey, watch it. And anyhow, this is Torchwood. You don't get weekends or holidays. You are lucky to get biscuits.
Ianto:
I repeat, as I SO often have to repeat myself around here. Who last had the SUV?
Jack:
Why do you want to know?
Ianto:
I just wanted to remind everyone that if they take the SUV and find anything, and I mean ANYTHING, wrong, they need to tell me so I can take care of getting it fixed at the garage.
Gwen:
Oh yes, I forgot that.
Ianto:
So was it you?
Gwen: Nope, haven't driven the thing in weeks. I'll go and wash my cup. I rather fancy some Jamacian coffee.
Gwen has left the chat
Ianto:
So, that means that either Tosh or Gwen is fibbing, or it was one of you two.
Jack:
So, what's wrong? What is the problem with the SUV?
Ianto:
The driver's side window wouldn't close properly. I found it has been wedged shut with a folded up post it note shoved into the little gap between the window and the seal.
Jack:
Hmm, not good. You'd better send out a memo reminding people to tell you when it needs fixing. Who did it?
Ianto:
Give me strength! LISTEN TO ME for once! That is precisely what I am trying to find out!
Jack:
Pardon me for breathing!
Ianto:
Only if it wasn't you who last took out the SUV :-)
Jack:
It was fine when I had it yesterday afternoon. It performed very well. Then after I'd finished with it yesterday evening, we had that blowfish sighting. I gave the keys to....
Owen has left the chat
Jack:
...Owen
Ianto:
Thank you. Now please tell everyone that the coffee is ready. You can come down here and get it. I'm not bringing it up. And then Owen is going to really get it.
All but Owen filed in, cup in hand, to the coffee machine. They were astonished to see Ianto looking as if he had fought a Weevil – in the middle of Cardiff Bay itself. He was dripping wet, his hair was sticking up at all angles, he had a black eye, his suit was in tatters and he was looking very, very cross.
"Ianto!" exclaimed Jack, with concern. "Whatever happened to you? Quick, someone, get Owen!"
"I don't want him anywhere near me!" Ianto reacted rather violently to the suggestion. "Ever again!"
"So what happened?" persisted Jack, tipping Ianto's head back a little to get a better look at his eye. "Did you get mugged by a Weevil?"
"No," said Ianto morosely. "I got mugged by a car wash."
"What?"
"While I was out getting the biscuits, I noticed that the SUV was rather muddy, almost as if someone has been off-roading in it. Again." He glared meaningfully at Jack, who had the grace to look a little ashamed. "So I put it through the car wash. I hadn't realised that the window on the driver's side was loose. And the pressure of the water jets knocked the window out completely. I tried to get out but that gas guzzler is so damned big there wasn't enough room between the side of the car and the edge of the car wash for me to open the door and slide out. So I've been washed, waxed, and blow dried. The soap they use tastes dreadful. And believe me, I am not at all happy about it! Jack, you really have to make it clear to Owen that he can't hang out of the car window and shoot when he's driving. It's ruining the SUV. And this isn't the Wild West, it's Cardiff!"
Gwen muttered, "Then you haven't been down St Mary Street on a Saturday night recently!"
"So, where is Owen?" Ianto said, ignoring her. Jack, however, looked interested at what Gwen was saying. "I have unfinished business with him!"
Tosh smiled. "He was helping himself to a bottle of Myfanwy's barbeque sauce from the fridge; he planned to cover himself in it. His exact words were 'I would rather be chewed up by the dinosaur than chewed out by the Welshman.'."
Owen has left the building
End