A shocked silence surrounded the street of Coronation Street, as news reached the residents of Pat Phelan's crimes. Pat was away on a short break with his unsuspecting wife, Eileen Phelan; they had hired a cottage for a few days in the seaside town of Whitehaven, and Eileen was looking forward to a planned move away from her home on the street. Phelan was the greatest love of her life, and her sheer adoration for a man who in reality she barely knew clouded her usual street-smart judgement.
Liz McDonald climbed nervously with baited breath into the Streetcars taxi. Her son's business partner Tim Metcalfe was in the driver's seat; the pair were good friends of Eileen Phelan, and both had attempted to warn her about the devious Pat Phelan. Tim started the car, and they set off for Whitehaven.
Tim parked the car near the pier.
"Right, let's go find her before he decides to do anything nasty," Tim said gravely.
"You don't think he would have – you know – do you?" Liz asked. "I mean, he was in love with her. Surely he wouldn't?"
"I don't know, Liz, but let's just pray he hasn't," Tim replied.
They walked together along the harbor, until much to their relief they found her. Eileen. On her own.
"Eileen? Where's Pat?" Liz enquired.
Eileen drew a deep breath, and burst into song:
Good news!
He's dead!
Patrick Phelan is dead!
The wickedest Phelan there ever was
The enemy of all of us over in Weatherfield is dead!
Good news!
Good news!
Fellow Weatherfieldians...
Let us be glad
Let us be grateful
Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue
The wicked workings of you-know-who
"Voldemort?" Tim screwed up his face. "No, I don't think so. Phelan at least had a nose,"
Eileen:
Isn't it nice to know?
That good will conquer evil?
The truth we all believe'll by and by
Outlive a lie
For you and—
Tim:
No one mourns Pat Phelan
No one cries: "They won't return!"
No one lays a lily on his grave
The good man scorns Pat Phelan!
Through their lives, our children learn:
What we miss
When we misbehave
Liz:
And goodness knows
Pat Phelan's life was lonely
Goodness knows
Pat Phelan died alone
It just shows, when you're Pat Phelan,
You're left only
On your own...
Eileen:
Yes, goodness knows
Pat Phelan's life was lonely
Goodness knows
Pat Phelan cries alone
Nothing grows Pat Phelan
They reap only
What they've sown
Liz:
No one mourns Pat Phelan!
Now at last, he's dead and gone!
Now at last, there's joy throughout Coronation Street
"Yeah. You'd be lucky, given the number of things that happen on that street," Tim scoffed.
All:
And Goodness knows
We know what Goodness is
Goodness knows
Pat Phelan died alone
Eileen:
He died alone...
All:
Woe to those
Who spurn what Goodness is
They are shown
No one mourns Pat Phelan
Eileen:
Good news!
All:
No one mourns Pat Phelan!
Eileen:
Good news!
All:
No one mourns Pat Phelan!
Phelan!
Phelan!