Tokophobia
Summary: After a year of the loss of their last child, not everyone is ready, to try again. A sequel to Stoick the Second.
The crashing of the waves and the sea breeze was supposed to help with the anguish he felt. One year. It had only been a single year since he sent his four-pound son, who he had to tightly wrap in a white sheet, out to see in a traditional Viking funeral. The months of planning and happiness between his wife and him was gone within a few hours. He wouldn't even go near the stairs that lead to the room. On occasion he did see her walk down them, tears always on the verge of falling. But, when she caught sight of him she would brush them away and smile. That was her though, always trying to be strong.
A deep sigh had left his lips while thinking of her. She was part of the reason he was out here. He couldn't believe what she had told him. Today of all days.
The meal was in silence as usual, except for the clashing of their utensils and chewing of the food. He was thankful for it, however. He honestly didn't know what to say to her and even if he did he didn't think it would end well for either of them. He looked up at his breakfast and he smiled. She was so composed right now, but he could tell from the concentrated look on her face there were so many things running through her mind. He was about to tell her how beautiful she looked to him, but she had to beat him and broke the trail of silence.
"Hiccup," she started off, but still wouldn't look at him. When he acknowledged that he heard her, she took a deep sigh. He wanted to cross the table and hold her hand; to give her some encouragement to speak her mind, but she didn't need it. She continued on her own. "It's been a year," her voice quivered as she spoke.
The lump in his throat started to rise and he looked back down at his plate trying to hold back his own tears. "It has," his voice equally shaken.
It wasn't like they hadn't talked about it. They needed too. They had spent a lot of days and nights mourning over it. That night clearly fresh in both their minds. To Hiccup it still felt like it was yesterday whenever his mind brought it up. That's why it seemed that the tears could always flow freely for him. Even now. Being so wrong and yet so hopeful was the worse blow to him in those hours. He couldn't help but compare it to his own father's death. This one was more devastating to him though. He always thought it was because with his father he tried very hard to stop what was happening. To stop the madman from using his friend as a weapon. This one though, he couldn't do anything about the outcome, even if he tried. And he did try. Naming him after the strongest man he knew, hoping that somehow that strength would be passed down in those hours. He even resorted to pray and beg the gods to take him instead. Anything so they wouldn't have to go through this. Nothing worked.
Then he heard her. He slowly raised his head and was in somewhat disbelief. "What?"
She cleared her throat before telling him again, "I- I want to try again." When he didn't react, she rephrased it smiling gently at him. The same way she did when she first asked for a child, "Hiccup I want to have another baby."
The man across from her looked away trying to gather his thoughts. Trying to make sense of what she had just told him. His reaction was not the same as it was back then. And when the pieces did align he asked her, "Are you kidding?"
She shook her head.
His breathing was becoming heavy and ragged and as she tried to reassure him, explain to him why she wanted this, but he wouldn't have any of it. Urgently, he got up from the table and sternly told her, "No."
"But, Hiccup-"
"I said no Astrid," he spat. "I'm not, we're not going through this again. Do you hear me?" She was about to argue back when he continued, "Do you even know what day it is? Do you?"
"Of course I do!" she glared back at him.
"Then why of all the bloody days would you ask this. Do you not even care?"
She stood up from her own place and plunged her knife into the wood table. "Don't you dare ever tell me that I don't. I'm the one who carried him for months. I'm the one who went through hours of pain and labor to have him. And for what? For him to die in our arms." Tears of sadness and anger were spilling down her cheeks now and Hiccup looked away. "I want another one Hiccup. I'm ready to try again. I'm willing too."
His green eyes refused to look at her. They were filled with fear and grief and all he could muster in his voice was, "I'm not." He turned on his heels and headed for the door and before she could stop him from leaving he came up with his excuse. "I have a lot of work to do. Come on Toothless."
The reptile that was by the fireplace resting heard his rider call for him and was by his side in seconds. Before Astrid could stop him, both boys were up in the air leaving her behind to finish up her breakfast. She couldn't though, all she did was sit back down, laid her head in her arms, and begin to sob.
That was his morning. Astrid wanted another child, but he couldn't. All he could see, think of when mentioned the word, were flashes of his dead son. His small cold head resting in his arms. His blueish tint face laying their motionless as he covered it up. All because he was the Chief. He did it all with Gothi, but he still had to be a part of every horrible second. Sparing Astrid from the preparation of the funeral since she was still recovering back in their room with his mother.
He couldn't do it again. Putting Astrid through it was defiantly out of the question whether she was willing to or not. He always knew he was a screw-up, but to be a screw up on this. He couldn't even give his wife a child that would survive childbirth. This was the trail of thought that made him become angry and Toothless knew it all too well. Especially, when he screamed.
"Gods be damned!"
Toothless covered his head with his forelegs trying to block out his loud ranting. It lasted until Hiccup's voice was hoarse. When the dragon heard his human start to whimper, he carefully got up and walked over to comfort the lad.
Immediately, Hiccup grabbed on to his black scaled friend and cried. He cried until all his tears had stopped and it was just his raw emotions.
"I can't do it again, bud. I just can't," he sobbed. "What if next time it's worse? What if I lose Astrid or both of them?" He looked up into his reptile's eyes, "Why would the Gods do this to us? To me? Why are they trying to break my family?"
When Toothless softly nudge and cooed at his rider trying to cheer him up, Hiccup finally admitted what he was truly feeling. "I'm so afraid."
More tears spilled from him and the Night Fury licked his face catching them. The Chief didn't even care that the dragon's spit was keeping his hair standing straight up, too focused on his crying. Both males stayed on the sea stack until everything Hiccup was feeling was finally out of his system and he felt ready to go back home.
It was going on sundown when Astrid returned to the village. She was out in the forest processing her own emotions. In other words, she was doing a lot of training with her ax and a lot of trees had very fresh new scars embedded into them. She couldn't grasp why Hiccup was so upset. This was ultimately her choice and she would have thought that he would be thrilled that she was willing to have another baby. To try to grow their family more. And of course, she knew what today was. She had spent her whole morning, before he even awoke from the bed, inside his room. Her fingertips tracing over the cradle's edges. Her hands holding the most imperfect yet perfect blanket that she made for him when she was five months along. Everything in there made her miss him and he never even made it up the stairs to see it. To see all the wonderful things that his parents prepared for him to have a comfortable life.
But he was also the reason why she asked Hiccup to try again. She didn't want to imagine "the what ifs" anymore. She also didn't want all their love and hard work to go away with him either. She loved her firstborn, no one could ever deny that. However, her beautiful little boy was gone and no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it felt like daggers going straight through her, Astrid still wanted the family of many future dragon flyers scuffling along their wooden floor. Getting into trouble and mayhem like Hiccup did when he was younger. Being fierce warriors just like her. She wanted their dream of a family and she was willing to go through as much heartache as possible to get there. So why wasn't Hiccup?
She walked towards the Great Hall, she figured she could use a drink after all the stress relief she did. On her way up the steps, she realized that today was the most that she and Hiccup had spent apart since their son's passing. It was another reason why she needed that drink. When she open those heavy doors and walked in, she was very taken back.
There off to the side at a table being very loud and expressive, was Hiccup. Not just any Hiccup either, but a very drunk one surrounded by their friends and a couple of other Vikings.
"So this is what he calls working," she thought angrily. She marched right up to him.
Reaching him she shoved him right off the bench he barely was sitting in, taking everyone by surprise. Hiccup, however, was so drunk that he was laughing and trying to pull himself up. When he couldn't he rolled over smiling. It all vanished when her blurry figure came back into focus again. It was replaced with a twinge of regret, but mostly it was irritation. When she spoke the feeling only grew.
"How dare you," she started. "This is what you called working!"
Most of the Vikings surrounding the table had left seeing the confrontation started. The only ones who stayed with them were their closest friends, but all were very uncomfortable either looking away or sipping on their own mugs.
Drunk and already not in the mood to deal with whatever Astrid was spouting, Hiccup answered her, "And if it is? Who are you to question your Chief?" He hiccupped out the last word.
"I'm your wife!"
"Some wife you are turning out to be," he slurred flaring his arms a little.
One of their friends, Eret, seeing the hurt look in Astrid's eyes tried to bring back some sensibility to the drunk chief. He placed a hand on his shoulder, "Uh Hiccup, maybe you should-"
"NO!" Hiccup threw the man's hand off of him and glared at the Blonde woman in front of him. "Do you even know what she asked of me today? Today of ALL days! The day of our son's death! Stoick the Second's anniversary." When they were all silent and Astrid looked down he continued, still slurring the words, "She asked me to give her another baby. A child. Well, guess what?"
"Actually Hiccup," Fishlegs began trying to bring in some support, "That wouldn't be such a bad-"
"NO!" he yelled as loud as he could and if he were a dragon the whole Hall would have shook. "I'm not doing it! I refuse!" He stalked up to Astrid mere inches away from her now and she could clearly smell the mead off his breath. She would even wager that it was coming off the sweat he was perspiring. Yet, he continued to yell in her face, "I refuse, my dear, to break what little family I have left. So what are you going to do about it?" he poked her in her chest, challenging her.
Astrid did what she had too. With one punch she hit him squared in his jaw knocking him to the floor and out cold. She stepped over him and turn to her friends. "Take him home and give me the rest of his stupid mead."
They did what she asked as she sat on the bench holding his mead in one hand and her head in the other. Tears were silently rolling down her cheeks. No one went up to her. No one dared too, which she was grateful for. She barely touched any of his leftover drink and it was an hour later until she realized exactly what her husband had said to her in his drunken state. She threw the last ounce of mead back and then headed back to her home. Back to her still past out Chief.
Walking in the first thing she did was check on Hiccup. He was still knocked out, but at least he was placed on their bed on his side. Their friends already thinking ahead of her left a wooden bucket, a cold cloth, and some water for the lad. She grabbed the cloth and gently patted it on his forehead. Doing this and looking at his sleeping face, Astrid smiled. She loved her husband no matter what, but when Hiccup was as drunk as he was, he became a man that she didn't really know. He wasn't the dignified reserved man who always thought before he spoke. Instead, all barriers were down and broken and he had no filter with his emotions when alcohol was in his system. It also was a good thing that he rarely did drink, today was just an emotional and different day for the both of them and she understood all too well.
"Hiccup," she whispered as she brushed his bangs out of his face.
He groaned and flipped over to where she saw the dark bruise on his jaw start to form. She felt incredibly guilty, but she knew it was needed to be done to stop him from his drunken rant. So she held the cold compress on the wounded skin and hoped it would keep the swelling down. She left after a while of sitting with him fully content that he was okay. Astrid went upstairs and sat in the small chair in the corner of the unused nursery. She waited there until Hiccup woke up. She held onto the imperfect perfect blanket she made over a year ago and cried into it.
It was late in the night when Hiccup woke up. He felt like a Rumblehorn had hit him the way his head was pounding and the fact that he couldn't move his jaw only made him believe the hypothesis even more. When he sat up everything was spinning and the next thing he knew he was over the side of his bed grabbing on to the bucket that was there and emptying anything that was in his stomach. When he was done he slumped over the bed frame, not wanting to move in case he felt sick again. When satisfied that he wasn't going to be he sat back up, carefully this time, and took small sips of water from the cup that was next to him. After that, he tried to regain any memory that he lost while drunk. His face was scrunched while thinking. He remembered why he was drinking and anything before that, but after maybe his third mug of mead everything was a blur. He was going to need help in figuring it out and so he slowly began to move trying to find someone to help him.
When he finally made it to his bedroom doorway, he stopped. He stopped because he heard the smallest faint of crying coming from upstairs. He knew who it was and he tried to call out to her but his bruised jaw refused to move. Staggering he moved to the bottom of the stairs, hoping that the person would catch a glimpse of him there. Hearing more of her soft sobbing he knew she was never going to see him. He looked at the first step of the stairs and he sighed in fear. In fact, he felt his whole body trembling and it was not because he had a hangover. He closed his eyes and took his first step shakenly. When both feet were planted on the step he took a deep breath and took another, and then another. He looked like a newborn climbing them, but he didn't care and he made it to the final step with his eyes still closed.
Hiccup stood there for a few moments gathering his courage. When he felt he had enough, he opened his eyes. The first sound he made sounded like a wounded animal's gasp as he scanned his old room, the nursery, for the first time in over a year. Astrid kept everything the same, except that everything looked like it was still ready for a baby to arrive. She kept it that cleaned after all these months. Everywhere he looked he saw all the details that he put into this room and with every detail, it was like a dagger in his heart. He didn't want to be up there, he didn't want to remember any of it, but when he heard the soft sob coming from Astrid again; he remember why he was up in the room in the first place. It seemed that she didn't even notice that he was there. She was too busy with her thoughts.
He crossed the room trying his best not to look at anything else. He tried not to notice the crib that took months to make or the chest that was full of clothes and small toys for him. He especially did not want to notice the small dragon stuff animal that he had as a child sitting on the desk waiting to be played with once again by his own offspring. Hiccup ignored it all as best as he could until he was in front of his wife. She still didn't notice him and he knelt down. It was only when he touched her knee and rasped out her name, "Astrid."
Her blue eyes snapped open and she stared at the man before her in disbelief. Hiccup was in the nursery. He was never in the nursery. He hasn't been in the nursery since little Stoick's death. But here he was. Kneeling before her with so much pain, guilt, and worry in his green eyes. She did the only thing she could think of at that moment. She threw herself at him tackling both of them to the floor as she held him close. He in return wrapped his arms around her holding her as tight as he could as both of the parents cried with each other.
In their emotional and vulnerable state, they apologized to one another. They apologized for everything said and everything they did. They even started to apologize for things that didn't make sense, but it did to them. And when they had said all that they could they started to laugh. It was the first time in a while that they had a laugh together like that and it was a refreshing relief. It was so much of a relief for the both of them that Hiccup decided to do something he hadn't done in a while.
He lifted Astrid's chin just enough so he could lean in and kiss her. She, of course, kissed him back and soon both of them remembered what it felt like to be in love and married to each other. And of course, one thing always leads to another when it comes to the both of them.
It was a couple months later. Hiccup seemed to be doing better. He was still not ready and was completely fearful of the mention of having children, but thankfully Astrid never mention of having anymore after the night they spent together. She seemed to understand his worries and although he didn't know what he said when he was blackout drunk, he promised her he would never get to that state ever again. He also never stepped back into the nursery either, which was fine. Astrid seemed to make it her own space and he was perfectly willing to give her just that, whenever she needed it.
He was in the shop with Gobber today. Finishing up the last saddle order and when the Viking happily took it out of his grasp he cracked his neck and smiled. The day seemed to be long and he couldn't wait to go back to his home to Astrid so they could go on their nightly flight. He was about to turn and ask Gobber if he needed an help closing the shop when he caught the woman of his dreams come walking up to the window. His smile grew as he acknowledged her, "Good evening, Milady."
Astrid's smile only grew when hearing her nickname as she seemed to eagerly bounce on her heels in front of him. She then proceeds to ask him about his day and Hiccup of course answered, but he was eyeing her curiously.
"What has put you in such a happy mood?"
She giggled, which was odd for her, but she shrugged. "Oh, you know. It just seems to be one of those good days."
"Yes," he said, "it has, but you are never in this good of a mood. So what's going on in that mind of yours?" He leaned on the counter and with a bit of tease in his voice he told, "Come on spill it. I know you're dying too."
She bit her bottom lip and contemplated on whether to tell him or not. When she thought it was better to do it now, she spat it out happily to him. "I'm pregnant!"
All the color in his face drained and all his merriment disappeared. He felt like he was going to be sick and if it weren't for Toothless catching him before he hit the floor, he would have been knocked out. For his worse fear was back and coming true. His beautiful wife was pregnant again.
Hiccup didn't want to be in the room. If anything he wanted to be as close as he could to the edge of the world right now, but he knew he couldn't. Instead, he sat facing the corner of the room on a stool and was trying to keep himself calm. He tried to keep his breathing level, but every time Astrid would scream he would lose it and begin to panic all over again. He prayed to all the Norse Gods and any others listening that she would make it through. He just needed her to be okay at the very least. The only good thing about this delivery, however, was that she was further along when her water broke, then she was with Stoick. It wasn't the full nine months, but being a few days early was better than a month and he defiantly counted those days to make sure. When Astrid screamed again he put his head in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees, and started to cry quietly.
The soon to be father was very close to bolting out of the room, especially when hearing Astrid do the last scream. It sounded like someone was splitting her open. But, he was frozen to his seat in fear when he heard the smallest of cries and then another one. He lifted his head up slightly when he felt his mother's small hand on his back.
Valka gave her son a gentle smile and asked, "Do you want to go see them?"
Hiccup shook his head, still petrified of the idea. Afraid everything was going to repeat itself.
The mother knelt next to her boy and softly spoke. "It's okay Hiccup. They're fine, you're fine, and you really should go see your family."
He finally sat up and Valka helped the shaking lad to stand, although he still had not turned around to see Astrid. He was about to tell his mother that he couldn't do it, but then he heard his wife call his name. Slowly, he finally went to look upon her.
On their bed laid Astrid, tired and her hair a mess, looking like she had just won a massive battle and rightfully so. For she was not holding just one, but two small bundles in her arms that were graciously eating for the first time.
He nearly collapsed at the sight and his quivering legs somehow brought him to them as small tears rolled down his cheeks. The Chief fell to his knees when he reached them and the tears flowed freely when looking upon his children as a smile formed. He looked up at the new mother and she too was crying happily. He sat up on the bed and kissed the side of her face joyfully being careful not to smoosh one of the children she was holding.
His menstruations to her face made her chuckle, thus disturbing one of the twins feeding and causing them to cry out. This bringing the parent's attention to the newborn.
That is when Hiccup asked his burning question, "And they're alright? Both of them?"
"All your girls are fine Hiccup," Astrid reassured him and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Girls? They're both girls? I have two daughters?" The blonde nodded and he carefully touched the peach fuzz of hair on one of the girl's head. He couldn't tell the color of their hair like he could with his late son's, but none of that matter to him. He was enjoying the realization that he had children and he whispered to his overly tired wife while laying his head on hers, "We have our family."
"We do," she said. In her mind, however, she couldn't understand how the Gods could be so cruel to them with their first child and then bless them with two beautiful daughters. She didn't spend much of her time thinking about it for she was now in love with two healthy little girls she was holding and she noticed everything about them. From their small slender nose to their rosy pink cheeks. One girl seemed to have a dark shade of peach fuzz hair than the other and she was thankful. Maybe it would help her tell them apart. From the grip they had, she could also tell that they were not going anywhere and that they may be causing a little bit of trouble when older. Either way, she could not be any happier than she was at the moment and neither could Hiccup.
Both parents watch the one crying until she was rearranged and once again was feeding. At that moment, Hiccup's fear of having children began to slowly fade. Yet, a new one was steadily creeping its way up to the new parents. How were they supposed to handle and raise twins?
Author's Note: So this is the sequel to the one-shot I wrote a while back called Stoick the Second so please read that to understand this one and the time frame. Now Tokophobia is the fear of having children. There are two types. Type one is the being afraid of the idea of getting pregnant and having children or even the labor, usually, a woman has type one because it is diagnosed before you have children. Now type two is the fear of having children after a traumatic event either by miscarriage, stillborn and or a loss of a child at any age. Both woman or men can have type two and that is why I titled this fanfiction as such because this is Hiccup's fear and how he handled it. Also, I didn't name the twins because I didn't feel like it was a big point in this story like it was in the first. Besides, I figured you guys would have fun thinking of your own names for the girls. Please read and review.