Felicity stood in her shower – like she had hundreds of times before – and closed her eyes. She felt the warm water cascade around her. She smelled the body wash she had used since she was a teenager lingering in the air. She wrapped her arms around herself, hoping to find comfort in the small gesture but knowing the comfort wouldn't come. The comfort never came.
This was how things had been for her the past month. She went through each day smiling at the office and each night reassuring John and Roy she was fine. But here, in the small space of her shower, she allowed herself to truly feel. She didn't have to hide the way she felt here. She could just… be. It was as simple as that.
The ache she felt in her heart that was always there, ready to burst open, was pushed down every day as she went through the motions at work and in the foundry. She hid the pain she felt with bright colors (that she made sure were never any shade of green), a fake smile and a resigned attentiveness. While in meetings, she nodded when it was expected and delivered information almost robotically.
But every night when she got home, she stripped her clothes – as well as the walls around her heart – stepped into her shower, and gave her heart what it really needed: time to grieve. She always asked herself the same question: What am I grieving for? Her answers, however, were never the same. At first, she convinced herself she was simply grieving for Oliver. A man who had come into her life only to leave it too soon, just like the other men in her past: her father, Cooper… So, how was Oliver any different? She should be used to this by now, really. But the loss she felt at losing Oliver was different.
Her father had left her and her mother when she was so young that she never really knew what it meant for him to actually be there. With Cooper, while it had hurt because he was her first real love, she grew stronger afterwards. She became a better person and she moved on. But with Oliver… Well, she wasn't sure she would ever be able to say the same. There was no moving on from him.
The ache she felt when Malcolm Merlyn barged into the foundry and told her Oliver was dead was something she had never felt before. It went deeper than the pain she felt from the loss of Cooper. It felt as though losing Oliver had meant losing part of her heart. But deeper than her heart, she felt like this pain went into her soul, taking residence there forever.
Over the past month, she had allowed herself to grieve for Oliver in this small moment when it was just her and her shower. But then, she had to grieve for everything that losing Oliver meant for her. For her future. Because that's what he was, wasn't it? Didn't he represent her future? He was far from a man that came into her life at random who she hadn't truly known. She had read somewhere that some people came into your life temporarily to teach you a lesson, only to leave again. Cooper was that person for Felicity. But Oliver? Oliver was never meant to simply come into her life and leave.
Grieving for Oliver meant grieving for everything he represented in her life. He was not just someone she had helped for the past two years. He was a man she had hoped would help shape her future – not in the professional way some thought, but in the romantic way she had kept to herself for the past two years. Yeah… She mourned for Oliver Queen: ex-CEO of Queen Consolidated. Even she had to admit he never really got the hang of it, though she admired how much he tried. After mourning her boss, she had to mourn Oliver Queen: friend. Then she had to mourn Oliver Queen: hero. Finally, she had to mourn the man she had hoped was going to be a star in her future. Oliver Queen: the love of her life.
It was much easier to mourn the first three identities she associated with Oliver Queen than it was to mourn the last. Especially since her life with Oliver never really started. And she used 'easier' lightly. The past month had been the hardest month of her life. Getting through the five stages of grief seemed impossible, but somehow she had done it three times for Oliver: boss, friend, and hero. Maybe she hadn't completed those five stages, but she had certainly started. But grieving for a love that went as deep as her love for Oliver was something Felicity had never done before. She wasn't sure her emotions – or her heart – could get through it.
Hell, she wasn't sure she could get through it.
Felicity snapped back to reality when the water that had been scalding her skin became ice cold. She cursed her hot water heater for being so terrible, but it was probably the only thing that prevented her from staying in her shower for hours on end. She turned the water off and wrapped the towel around herself, not even bothering to put clothes on, before stepping out of her bathroom and curling up on her bed.
She once again thought about how everything in her life seemed wrong without Oliver there. The bright colors of her lipstick seemed dim now, and the warmth of her bed she used to look forward to was always cold.
Felicity could feel the emotional exhaustion that was always just under the surface spread throughout her and, with one last thought about a man in a green hood with bright blue eyes, she succumbed to the darkness.
Another month passed as Felicity kept repeating her process of lather, rinse, repeat that had become her life. Who said it only had to be on a shampoo bottle? She knew Oliver wouldn't want her to live her life like this, but he wasn't there to tell her as much. She felt herself slipping further and further into the clutches of darkness that had surrounded her ever since Oliver's death. She knew it was happening, yet she didn't have the strength or willpower to stop it.
Was this what depression was like?
Felicity had that question pop into her mind one night when she had just finished her shower ritual, but shoved it away. She wasn't depressed. She refused to be labeled as depressed, even in her own mind. She was grieving and she was allowed to grieve. She fell asleep imagining what Oliver would say to her if he were there. Would he comfort her and tell her everything would be okay? Or would he chastise her for allowing his death to completely take over her life? She didn't care, she realized. Oliver was dead, and a dead man didn't have a say in her life.
Felicity woke up a few hours later to her phone buzzing. She thought she had silenced it, but apparently not. She glanced at the screen, completely intending to ignore whoever was calling, when she froze.
No. It couldn't be. The display on her phone said it was Oliver calling, but she knew that couldn't be right. She hadn't been able to find his phone – though it wasn't from lack of trying – so she assumed the league had taken it and destroyed it.
Well, she apparently had been wrong.
She hesitantly reached for the phone, unsure of what to do. Did she let it go to voicemail or did she answer it? She knew it couldn't be Oliver… Malcolm had given her the sword that killed him. She would know… She tested the blood and it was a positive match for Oliver's. But… something in her heart came to life at seeing his name and she knew she couldn't ignore it. That small glimpse of hope that she hadn't felt in so long made her finally pick up the phone and answer it.
"H-Hello?" Felicity answered, her voice barely above a whisper.
She could hear breathing on the other end of the phone but no one said anything at first. She waited, her heart pounding in her chest so hard that she was sure whoever had called could hear it too. It was like her heart wanted to let her know it was still there, still beating… Somehow.
"Is… Is anyone there?" Felicity asked, trying to control the emotion in her voice. She knew it couldn't be Oliver, but maybe… No. She couldn't allow herself that hope. He was dead and she needed to accept that. Acceptance was one of the stages of grief she had gotten past.
Felicity was about to lay into whoever was calling because they were obviously trying to mess with her when the line went dead. She took the phone from her ear and stared at the display. She was in complete shock. Who would mess with her like that? Why would someone mess with her like that?
Felicity tried calling the phone again but went straight to voicemail. She felt her heart slow down after a few minutes. She guessed her heart had realized it had been played too. She clutched the phone in her hand in case the person tried calling again and eventually her exhaustion caught up to her.
When she woke up the next morning, she checked her phone to find no missed calls. She couldn't help the disappointment she felt but knew it was stupid.
He's dead, Felicity. Stop doing this to yourself.
With that thought in mind, Felicity got out of bed and went to her bathroom to brush her teeth. It was a Saturday morning and she didn't have work. Just like all the weekends since she found out Oliver died, she was preparing to lounge around all day when there was a knock at her door.
Felicity approached the door with so much caution that Diggle probably would've even been proud. After the phone call last night, she couldn't help but wonder who would show up at her door unannounced. She knew it wasn't her mother because she had promised to call before she came into town after showing up unannounced last time. She went through the options of who could be there, deciding anyone else who knew where she lived would've called first.
When she got to the door, she looked through the peep hole and had to hold back the groan at who it was.
Why me? Why?
"Felicity? I know you're in there. I pinged your phone." She heard none other than Ray Palmer call through the door. She should've known. He had done this last time too.
Felicity swung the door open with a huffed "What do you want, Ray? It's Saturday. That means no work."
She knew she was being rude, but she didn't care. The last time they had talked outside of work, she told him she didn't want anything to do with him unless it had to do with Palmer Technologies. Whether it be something more than a working relationship or helping him with the ATOM project he tried to bring her into, she wanted none of it. She knew Oliver was it for her, and losing him only reinforced that.
Ray stood there in her doorway in his typical work attire. She knew he was a handsome man, but he paled in comparison to Oliver. After they had kissed, she couldn't help but think his kiss didn't get her heart racing like Oliver's did and when she opened her eyes afterwards, she realized she wanted blue eyes staring back at her. Oliver's blue eyes.
Ray did not have blue eyes.
"Nice to see you too, Felicity. I'm actually here because I wanted to tell you in person that I'm leaving Starling City." Ray told her, no malice in his voice. Of all the things she had expected him to say, that was not one of them.
Felicity's mind automatically went to her job. Was he going to fire her? She knew she hadn't been completely focused lately, but she was careful to make sure her job was done.
Ray must've seen the worry on her face because he immediately said "Oh, you're not losing your job. I'm not selling the company or anything. Well, not yet anyways. I just wanted to let you know I'm leaving you in charge of things in my absence." Felicity blanched. She had basically helped Oliver run Queen Consolidated before Ray had turned it into Palmer Technologies, but she wasn't sure she could handle being completely in charge. Especially not since Oliver was gone.
"I… you… what?" That was all Felicity could manage to mutter.
Ray laughed, a deep laugh, before telling Felicity that he trusted her to run the company and that he would be back eventually. The rest of the conversation was a blur as she signed some legal documents that named her as active CEO. Just like that, Ray left and Felicity suddenly wasn't sure what to do with herself. Was she supposed to go to work? CEO's worked weekends all the time. Now that she was a CEO, did she have to give up her weekends too?
Felicity deliberated the thought for about twenty minutes before deciding the company would be fine until Monday. She was just about to start a Friends marathon on Netflix when her phone dinged, letting her know she had a text message.
Meet me in the foundry. One hour.
She frowned at the message from Diggle, wondering what couldn't wait until later that night. Felicity reluctantly unfolded herself from the couch to get dressed.
"Well, no binge watching for me today." Felicity grumbled to herself after turning the television off and heading to her room to get dressed.
So much for a lazy Saturday.
An hour later, Felicity found herself in the foundry. Alone. Diggle and Roy were nowhere to be found and Felicity had even checked Verdant when she first arrived. It was empty, just like the foundry she stood in. She tried calling Diggle multiple times but he never answered or called her back. She got a sinking feeling in her gut that something was going on but chose to ignore it. He was probably just running late. When was Diggle ever late? The moment the questioned popped into her mind, she knew the answer: Never.
Felicity was just about to call Roy and see if he knew what was going on when she heard the foundry door open and shut.
"Diggle, what's going on? What couldn't have waited until-" Felicity had finally looked up from her phone and all thoughts of Diggle evaporated from her mind.
Her mind… It was officially lost. "No. This isn't possible. I'm losing my mind." Felicity whispered, knowing what she was seeing was impossible. Well… Less of what and more of who.
"Felicity…" She heard, but it had to have been a memory. The faintest whisper of a memory from when a man she had lost had uttered her name and kissed her in the middle of a hospital. A man who had told her he loved her – that loving her was one of two things he knew – before being murdered defending his sister. A man who absolutely could not be standing in the foundry only fifteen feet from her.
Felicity shook her head and closed her eyes, wishing away the ghost of Oliver Queen. She knew she hadn't been emotionally healthy lately, but seeing ghosts? That was a new level of being mentally unstable. After counting down from three in her head, Felicity opened her eyes and found nothing had changed.
She was still in the foundry. The fern that she had gotten for a man she loved still sat at the end of her desk. And that man she loved still stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking just as lost as she felt.
Felicity made an attempt to speak but no words came to her. What could she say? That she was crazy? That all the grief she felt in her heart and soul had officially claimed her mind? She stood there, staring at what could only be considered a hallucination, unable to move. She felt the beating of her heart get stronger and stronger, allowing itself hope. Her palms started sweating, her knees started shaking, and she felt the world around her begin to crumble. She had held it together for so long. She had gotten through two months of grieving and an ache in her heart that she knew would be there forever; but seeing his ghost had caused all of that progress to crumble.
Out of everything she had felt in the time since Oliver Queen had died, she hadn't allowed herself to feel one emotion: complete despair. But she was definitely feeling it now.
The ground beneath her seemed to tilt and she welcomed the cold floor of the foundry. She knew this place that had held so many memories would welcome her with open arms as she allowed herself to be overrun with the pain of losing him. The pain of losing everything he was to her: boss, friend, hero, and true love. So, as the floor grew closer and her knees felt the shock of the temperature of the floor, she was ready to lie in that foundry and cry her heart out. For herself and for Oliver Queen.
But… Just as she felt gravity start to push her body towards the floor, strong arms were wrapping around her torso, keeping her up. She felt herself wrapped completely in the arms of someone and that was when she knew. It had never been a ghost. He had come back to her. Somehow he had found his way back to her. Whether it was his will to save the city, his devotion to his family, his love for her, or a bit of everything, his heart had found hers again.
"Oliver." It wasn't a question. She knew that woodsy, yet clean scent anywhere. "It's really you, isn't it? You called last night. You had Diggle text me. You… You came home."
She felt the arms that were wrapped around her tighten and then a quiet, but strong voice say "Yes. It's me. I'm here."
Felicity turned her body just enough to still be in his embrace but she had to see his face. Her eyes were met with blue eyes she had dreamed about for two months. She brought her hand to his face, needing to reassure herself this was real. That he was really here.
It was funny, really. Her body had known it was him before her mind had caught up. The race of her heart, the sweating of her palms… The typical way her body reacted to him when he was in the same room as her. But now, looking into eyes that were so troubled but held so much promise, she could feel the ache in her chest release and the darkness that had embedded itself in her soul turn to light. He was everything in that moment. He was the beat in her heart, the blood pumping through her veins. Her future had returned to her. Just like that, she saw it all. Looking into his eyes, she saw all the love she felt looking back at her and she knew she was his future, too.
As she rose to bring her lips to his, she placed her hand on his chest and felt the rapid thump of his heart against her palm. Right before their lips met, Felicity pulled back and uttered the words she had promised herself she would say if she ever saw him again. The words that had haunted her ever since his disappearance because she didn't have the strength to say them as he left to fight Ra's al Ghul. But she promised herself in that moment she would never have any regrets when it came to Oliver Queen.
"Oliver? I love you too."