Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters you recognise and relationships between them etc etc, they belong to the amazing Louise Rennison. :) The plot is mine, however.

A/N: So, hi. This is my first Georgia Nicolson fanfic - well, my first ever fanfic, so here you are. :) After ALOT of trying and failing (about three years worth) I'm finally going to complete this fanfic. Just so I can say 'i have written and finished a fanfiction'.

Enjoy,
May the Horn be with you. :D

Behold the Horn King!

Chapter 1: Her nungas kept her afloat

Monday 24th October
3:46pm

I'm on a cliff.
In the Isle of Wight.
Freezing my bum-oley off.
How on earth did I get here? Oh wait, wait, I remember... Vati's job meant he had to stay here for a week, and decided to take us along with him. And by take, I mean they dragged me by my ears. Screaming. (Me, you fules.)

I don't particularly want to think about it because I'd had to leave my super gorgey and marvy boyfriend Dave the Laugh. Sigh. I miss him.

3 minutes later

Why the bloody hell are we here in nowhere land in the middle of winter? Well, autumn, but that's just being picky.
It's BLOODY FREEZING.
I said that to Mutti, I said, 'Dearest Mutti, could you enquire to father why the bloody hell we are here in nowhere land nearing the end of BLOODY OCTOBER? Who's clever idea was that?'

30 seconds later

Mutti told me, and I quote, to 'shut your trap and don't use disrespectful language, and sort out your god forsaken hair you ungrateful teenager'.
Well.

2 seconds later

This is when Mutti's foot slips in a hole in the ground (for a vole or something, I don't know), and goes, 'Oh BOLLOCKS! These are my newest bloody shoes! Stupid arse woodland creatures!'

I nearly corrected her by pointing out that we are on a cliff, so they would be cliff-land creatures... But I didn't.

4:00pm

Bugger. Just caught sight of my hair in Mutti's sunglasses (why she's wearing sunglasses is a mystery to me, unless clouds now have UV rays emitting from them). I look like Madusa.

I shouldn't be worried about my hair though, because my Hornmeister isn't around to see it.

2 minutes later

I'm being blown around like a fool on fool tablets by this sodding wind. I heard Mutti say over the whistling in my ears, 'Cor, it's rather bracing, isn't it?'
Bracing?
Rather?
Cor?

I said, 'I feel like I'm in Wuthering Heights.'

1 minute later

I'm getting a bit worried about Libs. She'd better be holding on to Mutti's hand tight or she'll fly away.

3 minutes later

We've stopped, finally. Hurrah, I think feeling might just be coming back to my legs.
Mum said, 'Bob, how far along this cliff do you intend on taking us? It's not leading anywhere.'
Oh, praise the Lord, Mutti's finally seeing sense.

Then Vati said, 'I just want to go far enough along to see the sea.'

Ah well, I just can't have a normal family, can I?

Mutti glanced at me, and I just looked meaningfully at the sea either side of us. WE'RE ON TOP OF A CLIFF. Finally Mutti convinced Vati that Libby's head won't stay atop of her shoulders much longer in this wind so we started trudging back.

I got out my nail file and started work on my left hand when I suddenly fell down a rabbit hole.

10 seconds later

Ow, buggering ow. And also ouch. My ankle sort of twisted when it fell in the stupid hole. Oh well, it's not broken. But I tell you what is broken, my sodding nail.

I think I have actually gone red. It's probably because I can imagine Dave laughing at me in my head, and saying something like, 'Careful, Kittykat, if I'd been a bit closer you would've knocked me out with your nungas.'

If he were here.

Which he isn't.

4 minutes later

I wish I'd fallen down into Narnia or whatever, I tell you. I'm so bored with Vati rambling on about the grass and Libby trying to touch the cow's poo.

2 minutes later

Or is it Wonderland? Either way, I think I'd be a bit scared down there. The caterpillar smoking the pot creeps me out. Apparently the author was high when he wrote it.

I wouldn't be surprised.

7 minutes later

Oh, what larks. We were walking past a couple of cows that had wandered across the path for an afternoon stroll, and had to dodge them, especially me because I'd rather not be headbutted by one and land on my botty.

Then we all heard a strange sound and I turned, expecting to see Mutti on her bum-oley after falling over something. Probably let the weight of her basoomas overtake her and gone toppling to the ground.

But when I turned round I saw her stood upright, her cheeks flushed bright red. And behind her was a big dollop of cow poo with a skidmark through the middle of it.

Oh Blimey O Reilly's trousers, she'd quite literally stepped in the merde.

1 minute later

We all watched as she slipped her flip-flops off (honestly) and shook off the lumps of poo in them. And I must say it was rather pingy pongoes.

Libby and I were laughing like drains on laughing tablets. Well, I was laughing, whereas Libby sounded closer to a seizure.

4 minutes later

Libby actually asked a reasonably normal question. There's this big statue on top of this hill, and she said, 'What's that, Mummy?'

Mutti seemed a bit miffed that she wasn't talking about poo again, and that she actually called her 'mummy', but then said, 'That's a memorial for a poet.'

Blimey, he must've been a blooming good poet. It's huge. Maybe he was like Shakespeare, to have a huge pillar erected on top of a hill.
Then again, it is in the middle of nowhere.

Libs said, 'He must of been a BIG poet.' Ohmygod she can mind read. Freaky-deaky.

2 minutes later

Oh great, now I've got a picture of an old bearded bloke perched on a cliff, writing a poem with his abnormally large bottom squishing a fold-up chair.

Like Nauseating P. Green's grandad.

1 minute later

Speaking of Shakespeare, it reminded me of the play we are being forced to do when we return to prison- sorry, SCHOOL - in September. I think it's something about Mice.

Oh wait, it's not Shakespeare at all - It's a book by some famous author called 'Of Mice and Men' (the book, not the author). Well, that's a rather silly title. I noticed no mice in the book when we had to read it (yes, I read it. I'm not sure why), apart from the one that the really tall guy crushes to death.

And frankly I didn't think that was a big enough part of the story to name the book after.

2 seconds later

Well, if you want to be all English-teacher-ish and poncy about it, I suppose it has a good foreshadowing effect for the book because obviously at the end he accidentally shakes the tart lady to death and it shows that he has no control over his actions and also hints at the helplessness of the mouse because even though Lennie loves it he kills it just like George has to kill Lennie although he loves him...

Oh dear. I think this wind has blown my head about a bit too much. I think I may actually be going mad.

5 minutes later

At the car park, at last. I never thought I'd be so happy to get back to the Clown Car. Well, relieved at least.
I can't believe Vati's making us drive around the place in this 'car'. He beeped the horn yesterday, 'just for a laugh'. And it doesn't just go 'beep', my friends. It goes 'beep beep bebebe BEEP'. Honestly. We drove through town getting some weird looks. But my dear old Vati just leaned out the window and cried, 'Feast your eyes, oh curious ones! Watch me in my sex-mobile!'
I nearly died.

4:35pm

I'm feeling rather sick, being in this car all day.

5:00pm

Home, home at last. Well, in the little one floor granny's apartment we're in. It's literally a box made of bricks. And a toilet. Vati caled it a 'challet'.
It does have a tv though, so I won't die of boredom. Much.

10 minutes later

Decided to go with Mutti and Libby for a swim. It's only a short walk to the pool, so I said okay. Only if Mutti lets me ring Dave on her phone when we get back, though.

At the pool

Crikey, it's filled with little kids. Oh well, the deep end is empty.

5:32pm

Tried to do laps with Mum but she insisted I stay in the shallow end with Libs. I don't understand why, Libby can swim fine with her armbands.
I was going to be mature and do breast-stroke laps because the life-guard is rather yummy. No, no, red bottom! I am escewing you with a firm hand. In fact I am picking you up by the scruff of your neck and throwing you into the rubbish bin of life. Along with my old Italian Cakey. It was going mouldy anyway.
I have my lovely ripe juicy Dave the Tar-
Oh holy fishnets.

5 seconds later

Libby has just launched herself into the pool and landed feet first on some poor little boy about a year younger than her. I thought he was going to scream his head off at first - that's what I would've done. But instead he just sort of bobbed in the water staring at nothing. Oh Lord Sandra, she's traumatised a child.

5:40pm

Playing a game with Libby. She has her goggles on, and I have to go underwater at the same time as her and make faces for her to laugh at. But I can't open my eyes so I have no idea what I look like.

5:43pm

Just found out. Libs told me I look like a Chinese person. On drugs, to be specific. I have no idea where she learns this stuff.

5 minutes later

Surfaced from the water just as I hear a whistle being blown and the fit lifeguard shouting 'Everyone get out the water now!' What? What had Libby done now?

1 minute later

Oh, it wasn't Libby. Apparently someone's kid had done a poo in the pool. What fresh hell...

2 minutes later

Oh look, the lifeguard's got his pole out. Oo-er.
He attatched a large fishing net to the pole and began searching the waters for the lurking mystery item. I couldn't see anything.

4 minutes later

I feel dirty. I'd been swimming in that water not ten minutes ago. And had handfulls of it shoved in my mouth by Libby. Ew, ew. Ohmygod I might have poojitus or something. I might fall ill and die and never snog my marvy boyfriend ever again.

10 minutes later

Everyone's got a bit bored as the lifeguard still hasnt found anything. One guy went, 'You not found nuffin den mate?' He's obviously a bit on the dim side.
The lifeguard said something and pulled his net out, and then some porky girl pencil dived into the water which set everyone else off. I had to sheild Libby before she got washed away by the tsunami wave made by the man who jumped in near us.

6:00pm

Out the pool. Having to dry Libby and get water out her ears. Honestly, I'm like her mother. Her real one is currently adjusting her nungas in the large mirror near us. They are quite literally humungous. They sort of bulge out of her swimsuit, which I swear is two sizes too small for her. But now I understand how she didn't get her hair wet.
Her nungas kept her afloat.

6:15pm

Back at temporary prison, i.e our 'house'. I took Mutti's phone and shut myself in my bedroom.
Ohhh I have jelloid knickers. I dialed Dave's number.

15 seconds later

Ring, ring. I feel all funny inside.

'Hello?'

'...Nnung.'

'Pardon? If you're calling from a werehouse, I'm not interested in anything you're selling.'

What was he on about?

'Dave, what in the name of pants are you on about?'

'Kittykat? I've missed you sexy!'

Ohmgiddygod he called me sexy! Woo! Okay, calm down brain. Breathe. He sounded really pleased to hear from me. I could just imagine his gorgey smile.

'Hornmeister, if I haven't told you before, I'm afraid I don't do phone sex.'

What was I talking about? Speaking of phone sex, I've heard my parents doing it before. Cringe times ten.

'Ah, my Sex Kitten is still her frigid self. Don't worry, the Biscuit's here.'

'I know, but is he really here?'

'I don't know, is he?'

'I don't know, is he?'

'I don't-'

'David, stop with this nonsense.'

There was silence. Oh bugger it, I'd called him David. He hates that.

'Erm...' Quick, change the subject, change the subject!

'Hornmeister, I am in need of your assistance.'

What was that? Oh shut up brain, talking to yourself.

'Kittykat, I would love to be of your rudey dudey assistance, but first you apologise for calling me that poncy name.'

'It's not poncy. I like it.'

'Well I don't. I'm still waiting for an apology.'

Ohh, I can't resist his gorgey voice. He sounds so, you know, when he's pretendy-grumpy.

'Okay Davey, I'm sorry. How can I make it up to you?'

'Well, a little rumachen unterhalb der Taille should do the trick. As long as I don't make you all jelloid and fall off the wall again.' Oh bums, he still remembers that...

'Dave, that was the first night you became my girlfriend, it's not my fault.'

'I know, you were just so pleased to have Jack le Biscuit all to yourself. But no worries, I'll ease up on you until you have a firm grip on your pants.'
He truly is insane.

'Well, you may be waiting a while then. My sensible pants have gone running for cover after I heard the call of the Horn.'

Dave pretendy-gasped and said, 'Now now, I thought my Sex Kitten didn't do phone sex.'

I sighed. 'Dave, we may have to start talking about proper things soon. I'm not sure how long I'm allowed to talk to you for.'

'Oh, that makes me sad, Kitty. Are you on your Mutti's phone?'

'Oui.'

'Hmm. Well, this causes for only one thing, and one thing only.'

Oh, here we go.

'And what may that be, oh Hornly one?'

'Phone disco inferno dancing.'

I should've known.

2 minutes later

So, a quick trip to loonland doing disco dancing with Dave over the phone, which was cut off quite quickly by me hearing a crash and Dave saying quite faintly, 'Bugger, that's my best lamp...'

And then I had to go. I heard Mutti say (or scream) 'GEORGIA! GET OFF MY BLOODY PHONE!'

Charming.

It was a bit sad and a tiny bit awkward when we had to go. I didn't really know what to say.

'Erm, so I have to go, Davey.'

'Sad, saying goodbye to my Sex Kitten. But you'll be home soon.'

'Yes.'

'Expect big huggles and possibly some fondling when you get back to England.' I gasped. Cheeky Cat.

'I am in England, Dave.'

'I don't trust you. You may think you are, but your geoggers grades say otherwise.'

'How would you know my geoggers grades?'

'I'm away laughing on a fast camel, baby. Siganora and also buenos nochas from our heavy mustacheoed folk. I miss you,'

'I miss you too, Dave.'

'Bye.'

'Bye.'

I felt like there was something missing from the end of it.

10:00pm

Watching some comedy show with the folks. Libby keeps laughing hysterically at anything anyone says.

She fell over the doormat earlier and landed on her head though, so I have a reason to question her sanity.

10:34pm

Ohh, bored, bored. If it wasn't for my gorgeous Davey I may have been forced to join spinsterhood in spinster city.

Honestly, being in this household makes you want to immigrate immediately. Teehee, that's funny to think. Immigrate immediately. Like groovy grapes.
Or bubbling bananas. Although I don't know why bananas would be bubbling. Maybe you left them in the hot pot too long and they got carefully caremelised... Shut up now.

I feel a little feverish.

11:15pm

Decided to leave the scene once Mutti and Vati got the vino out. I didn't want to be caught up in their mad dancing to Abba.

And also I couldn't watch the tv because Libby had thrown Mr Cheese at the screen and it's gone all smeary.

12:00am

Lying in bed, with cotton in my ears. Mutti and Vati had gotten a bit randified (cringeworthy or what...) after their 'Cool and hip rave to P!nk' and the walls are like paper here.

And Libby's in there with them. How disgusting. She'll probably grow up all disturbed and traumafied, like me.

I started to think about me and Dave. I'm soooo happy that he's finally my boyfriend, no more accidental snogging and him popping up (oo-er) as the Un-laugh. And having to watch him with other girlfriends.

I realised that this is the first time I've felt completely and totally comfortable and happy happy times ten thousand about having an official proper boyfriend. It made me smile to myself, and I didn't even feel like a loon smiling randomly in the dark. To myself. Because I was happy as anything and on clud nine and ten and eleven and so on.

Only three more days before I'm back in my boyfriend's arms and snogging him to within an inch of his life. He really is a groovy snogger.

I can't ever sleep when I'm thinking about my dreamy boyfriend and I climbing the snogging scale... Zzzzzzz.