He's impossible. He's irrational. He's irritating beyond belief.
But he's always there for me. He's the one I can't live without. The one I thought was just my best friend. Until now.
It's the smile he gives her. It's the songs, my songs he sings for her. It's the voice he uses when he tells her he loves her.
It's like that old phrase: you always want what you can't have. But the thing is, I realized I wanted him before she came along into the picture. I can remember the day like yesterday, even though it was months and months ago...
"Austin, it's official, you've gone crazy!" I shout through the heavy noise.
"Aw, Ally, can't you live a little!"
"I'll get sick! You'll get sick! And then you won't be able to play at the mall Friday!"
"Yeah, but I would've had fun with you today." He smiles wider at me and drags me out into the down poor. The instant I move out of the shelter the awning gave me, my body gives an involuntary shiver. He continues to hold my hand as he pulls me further through the city, across streets and sidewalks.
"How much further!" I scream towards him: it's one thing to be inside during a storm and have it be loud, but out here in the actual bad weather, you can just faintly here the cars right beside you.
"Just another block! You won't regret this, Al!"
"It's a little too late for that!" And as soon as I say that he stops and turns around. He dropped my hand and moved his to my cheek. He pulls me closer, and for a second, I'm absolutely sure he's going to kiss me and I'm terrified. Terrified of what it will do to our friendship and partnership, yet I still don't pull away.
The terror ends as he slides a part of my bangs that came loose from my elegant bun hairstyle behind my ear, and says, "You need to have more of an open mind." I get why he was moving in so close; so he could whisper it to me.
We don't hold hands anymore, and full on sprint to the small park that's just a short block away. When we get there, is a mud pit and the audience is in distress, but the band plays on as if it is the beautiful spring day the weather man predicted it would be. The speakers are loud enough so you can actually hear the music, and almost immediately puts me in a trance.
I look to Austin, to see him smiling wide and eyes lit up, like Dez when he eats a jumbo sized chocolate bar. He looks down at me and takes my hand, pulling me further up the crowd, to the very front.
"Have you ever danced in the rain before?" He really is screeching now, so he can be heard over the music and the storm.
"Never!" I yell back. He shakes his head in mock disappointment, and grabs my other hand.
I try to recall the last successful dance Austin and I had; roughly two months ago, in Trish's back yard, at her baby brothers birthday party.
This dance is fast and fun; the electric guitar guides my feet, as Austin told me how I need to let it. He's pulling me into and out of him and dipping and twirling with moves I never even knew existed, let alone that I could do. Lessons with him did pay off.
"Having fun?"
"Oh yeah, loads! I can't wait to get some disease and die from this weather!"
"Don't die! If you die, then I do, too!" He's smiling and laughing at my sarcastic remark, but there's a stone in his eyes, and stone that stays steady and still, telling me that he isn't lying.
We continue the crazy fast dancing for well over 20 minutes, with laughter and smiles and strange, silly faces in between. It's when the band announces it's their finale song, and it's at a medium tempo that I have this feeling stirring inside me. It's a light, fuzzy feeling, like the kind I got with past romances.
It's a true slow dance; and when he takes me for the final dip, I'm sure he's going to kiss me again. Only this time I'm not terrified; I'm impatient. I want it to happen; I want to take the risk. But I open my eyes to find him pulling me back up, pulling me out of my fantasy.
It's later in the day when I call Trish and describe what exactly went down. She declares I have it bad, and I have no other option but to agree.
Today, of all days, he had to bring her along. With her silky, golden blonde hair, shocking bluish-grayish eyes, and tall, perfectly made figure. Her innocent smile, her harmonious laugh, and her infectious bubbly attitude. Trish and I constantly debate how it would be easier to hate her if she wasn't so nice.
And that's how it is. She's not the wicked, evil girl from all the books and movies that leads the male to the other female; she's the perfect girl, the one every wants to hate so badly, but just can't find it in themselves to hate. It's even worse that we are in fact friends. She's the one that gets to keep the perfect male.
"Dez, why is she here?" I whisper discreetly to the boy has become my best guy friend for the past month. We both share the same amount of hate for this girl that steals our Austin away from us so frequently. Sure, Trish has her bottled hate for her too, but not as much as Dez and I have stored.
"They've officially become inseparable," he says rolling his eyes. The one time he can seem normal is when he is frustrated or angry at something he can't fix for the sake of others.
"But this is my day," I say pleadingly, as if he has the power to fix everything. It's a hopeless dream, though. We all know how much Austin loves this girl, this Marisa, and how happy she makes him. Happier than he has ever been with me.
"I know that, Trish knows that, and so does everyone else. But we've lost him, Al. He's gone with her and that's the end."
I'm confused by what he means exactly. Austin still came; he still loves us in the friend way, still cares about us. I'm about to ask Dez what he means, but then I hear the drummer introducing me and have to walk out on stage with my guitar clutched tightly in my hands. It's now or never: the advice the old Austin would have given to me.
The crowd of over 10,000 makes me dizzy, but these people came for me and only me, and this is my first ever live concert.
I sit down on the stool in the middle of the monstrous stage, and briefly look out in the audience while I pretend to tune my guitar. But what I see isn't comforting; the image of my mother, clouding my vision. The mirage makes my head spin and the thoughts that I push away so hard, so often are spilling over, flooding my brain. It's now, on stage where I especially don't want to remember my reasons for stage fright.
In a blink, she's gone. The pounding stops, and poof. It's been a second. Done. Gone. As quickly as she came, she left.
"Uh, hey guys. It's nice to be here. Except for, you know, my whole stage phobia thing." I earn a few laughs, and I push forward more. "Well, you want to know something awful? I didn't really prepare a set for you guys. I'm kind of winging it, something I'm not familiar with. Good thing I have my guitar." I turn around to the band, and seeing the friendly faces I know from backstage and beyond gives me a wave of strength. "Um, sorry guys, but just try to pick up where I start. Normally, I'll give out the name of the song before I sing it."
I turn back around to face the fans, and it's a little girl with sloppy pigtails, in the very front row, that calms me down more than anyone. She's the reason I'm here; to give people my music, to let them here me. Instantly, I know the song I'm going to sing. I play the first chords, and like my selves recollection seconds ago, the band mates instantly know what to do and what to play.
I DON'T WANT TO DO
NOTHING FAKE OR U-UNTURE
CAUSE WITH YOU
IM JUST ME, YOU'RE JUST YOU
IT'S SOMETHING SWEET
OR SOMETHING SOUR
IM JUST TRYING FIT IN
AND JUST MEET ME IN THE MI-I-IDLE
THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF
LIFE TO LIVE
A WHOLE LOT OF
TIME TO WASTE
SO JOIN ME
IN MY KICK BACK
RELAXING TIME
(Chorus)
WELL I GOT NO ONE
TO KILL OR DIE FOR
SO IM JUST GOING TAKE
ONE SECOND TO MYSELF
AND THINK ABOUT
HOW MUCH AND HOW MANY
I LOVE BUT DON'T WANT TO BREAK
NOOO HEARTS
TONIGHT
IT'S JUST THE TIME
THAT IT TAKES
THE WAY THAT BREAKS
THE WAY YOU SMI-I-LE
THAT LETS ME KNOW
JUST WHO TO BE
AND I HOPE YOU'RE
LOVING THIS HERE SHOW
IT'S NOT WHAT I DO
OR WHAT I SAY
BUT WHAT I MAKE
AND WHO I MOVE
IT'S A LIFE WORTH LIVING
AS LONG AS YOU DO HAVE
SOME SORT OF CLUE
WELL I GOT NO ONE
TO KILL OR DIE FOR
SO IM JUST GOING TAKE
ONE SECOND TO MYSELF
AND THINK ABOUT
HOW MUCH AND HOW MANY I LOVE
AND MAYBE GONNA
BREAK SOOOME HEARTS
TONIGHT
WELL I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT I FEEL
OR WHAT IS FAKE
AND WHAT IS REAL
BUT THIS IS ONE THING I DO KNOW,
YEAH ONE OF THOSE THINGS I DO KNOW
THAT IM
MOVING ON FROM YOU
CAUSE I GOT NO ONE
TO KILL OR DIE FOR
AND I'VE ALREADY TAKEN
ONE SECOND TO MYSELF
AND I THOUGHT ABOUT
HOW MUCH AND HOW MANY
I LOVE
BUT MOSTLY ABOUT
HOW I MAYBE, JUST MAYBE
|I WANT TO BREAK
YOU'RE HEART
TONIGHT
Its applause that makes her smile appear genuinely for the first time in weeks. Her eyes tear up to the VIP box, and she sees smiling faces. Dez applauding louder than the rest, knowing more than anyone that that song was written as more than just some random story that never happened. Cause he knows that it's happening better than anyone. Trish is giving a thumb up directly at me, and smiling like a crazy woman. Marisa smiles and claps persistently, while opening her mouth to scream for me. But the one reaction I was looking forward to seeing isn't there. I don't understand why; he couldn't have made the connection tonight. I sent the demo of this song to him about two weeks ago to see if he wanted it. He declined.
"That was 'Break Tonight' an original song by myself." I stand up with the microphone, and slide my guitar onto my back. "There are a lot of you out there right now." Cheering. That's what's heard, everywhere in the stadium. Fans jumping over one another to cheer for me, to make sure I hear them. "And I want to please each and every one of you tonight. How do I do that? By playing a classic hit of mine; my first single ever released as an album. Hope you love it as much as I do."
The drum starts the down beat, and I put my guitar on the stand next to the stool.
EVERYWHERE I TURN
THERE'S PEOPLE ALL AROUND ME
SURROUNDING AND
SUFFOCATING
JUST THE WAY I HATE IT
HE SAYS IT'S JUST A BURN
WHILE I SAY IT'S ANOTHER
THORN
OUT TO CUT ME DOWN
MAKING ME RISE UP
ALL OVER AGAIN
(Chorus)
IT'S A TIRING FULL TIME JOB
BEING ME
I CAN'T JUST QUIT
OR LET GO, NO
I'VE GOT TO PULL ON THROUGH
SHE'S HERE FOR A DAY
HE'S GONE THE NEXT
LEAVING ME COLD
'N EMPTY
BUT NO, CAN'T STOP
CAN'T STOP MOVING
CAN'T STOP GROOVING
OH, OH, YEAH
I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY
LET ALONE THE TIME
TO TELL YOU A LIE
BUT I DO WATCH THE SKY
FOR THOSE SIGNS
THAT TELL ME TO GO ON
IT'S A TIRING FULL TIME JOB
BEING ME
I CAN'T JUST QUIT
OR LET GO, NO
I'VE GOT TO PULL ON THROUGH
AND IT'S NOT FOR MY SAKE
BUT FOR YOU
FOR YOU, IT'S WHAT I DO
THE WORDS,
THE RHYMS
THE RHYTHMS
THE GROOVES
YOU'RE JUST MY CONSTANT TUNE
AND IT PLAYS OVER AND OVER AGAIN
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
NEVER HAD SOMEONE
THAT COULD TELL ME
THE RIGHT THING TO SAY
WHAT TO DO
NEVER HAD SOMEONE
THAT LOVED ME
LIKE YOU USED TOO
AND HERE I AM,
WAY DOWN HERE
TELLING LIES AND
STRUGGLING TO GET BY
WHILE YOU'RE UP THERE
LIVING THE LIFE
OH, THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE
THIS SURE DOES NEED TO CHANGE
I WORK A
TIRING FULL TIME JOB
JUST BEING ME
OH, HOW I WISH I COULD
JUST QUIT OR LET GO,
BUT NO
I'VE GOT TO BE THE ONE
WHO ALWAYS HAS TO PULL ON THROUGH
More applause, more cheering come from the fans, while more original songs spew out of the young girls' mouth. It goes on for a whole hour and twenty minutes, till finally she comes up to the last song of the evening.
"Now, guys, you've been the best crowd ever, but I have to leave you. I decided I'd save this song for last, since it's got lots of fire power." She pauses as she walks down steps on the stage, closer to the front row fans. "Now, who here has ever been in love? Now, remember just loving a person doesn't count. You have to be in love." Hands fly up all around her, like a wave. "Well that's great. But not all the time, right?" And a hard guitar roll and drum is heard. Cheering erupts. Posters soar up. Chanting is heard. This really is the finale.
TELL ME WHO I USED TO BE
TELL ME WHO YOU THOUGHT I WERE
BUT DON'T YOU DARE
GO AND TELL ME WHO TO LOVE
(Chorus)
IT'S A CHOICE
ON OUR OWN
IT'S A LIFE
OF ITS OWN
BUT IT'S LOVE
AND WHAT IS LOVE LOVE LOVE
IT'S A SPARK THAT LIGHTS
A MILLION FLAMES
IT'S A LIGHT
BEACONING IN ON ME
BUT IT COMES
AND IT TAKES
IT'S DESIGNED JUST TO BREAK
IT'S CRIME
AND PEOPLE ALWAYS
HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT IT WILL
GET BETTER IN TIME
WELL I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY
STAYING UP ALL NIGHT
JUST PRAYING FOR
THE BETTER PART
IT'S A CHOICE
ON OUR OWN
IT'S A LIFE
OF ITS OWN
BUT IT'S LOVE
AND WHAT IS LOVE LOVE LOVE
IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU CAN'T TELL ME,
ISN'T IT?
IT'S SECRET THAT'S KEPT
UNLIKE NORMAL
BUT THAT SEEMS TO BE
THE NEW NORMAL
AROUND HERE
IM NOT SAYING I'LL GET USED TO IT
IM NOT CHANGING WHO I AM
AND WHO I'VE BECOME
BUT YOU BETTER CHANGE
THE WAY YOU FORGET ME
THE WAY YOU FORGET HIM
THE WAY YOU FORGET HER
THE WAY YOU FORGET US
AND THE LIST ROLLS ON AND ON
YOU SEE, IT'S A CHOICE
ON OUR OWN
IT'S A LIFE
OF ITS OWN
BUT IT'S LOVE
AND YOU GET THAT
FROM THE ONES
YOU'RE LEAVING BEHIND
YOU HAVE TO SEE
I CANT ALWAYS BE HERE
IM GOING TO GROW UP
AND SO WILL YOU TOO
YOUR GONNA NEED ME
BUT BY THEN IT WILL BE
WAY TO LATE,
I'LL BE OVER YOU
SO DO US BOTH A FAVOR
AND FIGURE OUT WHAT LOVE IS
She does her finale pose to the last down beat, and suddenly the stage is dark and the spotlights shine on the stadium that is currently raining glitter.
"Goodnight, Miami! You were a great crowd, and thanks for coming out!" Is heard, but no one can see the girl that says the words. Backstage, she rips off the headset and throws it to the sound director, Adam. Backstage, everyone knows everyone and their all one big family that love each other. The crew and cast crowd around Ally and everyone's screaming and hugging and smiling the biggest smiles ever. Her friends fly down the stairs and Dez and Trish fly into her, embracing and complimenting. Austin and Marisa stand behind them, awkwardly looking away and holding hands. It makes Ally's heart drop at the sight of Austin, not here with her, hugging her after her very first live concert. He always used to go on and on about when she finally got over her stage fright, he'd be the first one to cheer her on, to hug her, to congratulate her. If it's one thing she hates, it's a lying 'best friend'.
Finally, after the three jump and down a squeal and repeat "Oh my god! I know right! It was so good, you were so good!" Several times, Ally walks straight up to Austin and says "You didn't say anything before I went on, and you're not saying anything now."
He's not looking her in the eyes and she can feel what's about to happen, and she understands, finally, what Dez meant earlier. 'But we've lost him, Al. He's gone with her and that's the end.'
"You were great, Ally. I'm glad you finally can sing your own songs." Austin says it with no emotion, and she's tearing up because life is too cruel, to take him away from her like this. She turns to Marisa and lets the tears spill, drowning in the heart break.
"You're his new little partner, aren't you?" Marisa looks to the side, biting down on her lip. It'd be better if Ally wasn't saying like a depressed, broken girl, but with more fire and hatred.
"It's fine. Whatever. I just got over my stage fright and got on a stage in front of hundreds of people, and sung my heart out for songs that were written for you. But it's fine. Don't be there for me, like you said you would. Go write songs with her, and get signed by a record deal. I'll buy front row tickets to your first major concert. And that's a promise I won't break, cause I don't break stuff, Austin." She says it with choked tears and in a sweet, harmless voice. She does a sort of jog type run away from them, and Austin just looks down at his feet, clenching Marisa's hand tightly.
He never wanted to do this. Become this. But Ally wasn't who he wanted anymore, who he needed. Maybe, truly, he did still love her as a friend. And he never ever ever dreamed of ditching her like this, for some girl he hasn't known half as long as he's known Ally. He couldn't tell her he got a recording contract, and that she slipped his mind while he signed the papers. He couldn't tell her he had completely forgotten about her, and had Marisa put down as his partner. Cause Ally would've never done that to him.
She was in her favorite spot; underneath the basement stairwell. The basement is where the costume and hair departments had lived for tonight. She was crying, ruining her artificial-looking face; the powders and foundations and whatever else they put on her now were splotchy in some places, making her look like a red, tan, and pale figure with an odd skin disease.
She looked down at her tear stained skirt. Gold, with strips of sequins wrapped around it. She pulled at the helm of the first strip, and torn it right of the silky fabric. She continued down, until she was left with a plain, golden, silky mini skirt. Then she moved to her shirt. A little too graphic-design for her taste, but still something she could see herself wearing to school, if she has nothing else. It's a solid white with the Eiffel Tower centered, and a small gold bow on the very top of the tower. Puffy letters slurred together in elegant cursive stick out at the bottom of her torso, reading amour. Another word for love.
She picks and pulls at the words till they come off, leaving an ugly bald patch behind. Next she rips the bow off, and throws all the scrap cloth across the floor.
She's done. Done with everything that was tying her down, and now she's just coasting, gliding, feeling nothing at all. And she hates it, yet is grateful for it. It feels good to officially know there's nothing left but pieces, and that she doesn't want to put them back together. She wants to leave them be, and let the depression and heartbreak pull her under, to take her to the land of dreams.
She hears her phone buzz, and people call for her in the distance, but she just doesn't see the point in answering. They just want something from her, and she is going into hibernation for awhile.
She's slipping, falling into another world where everything is better, lighter, and no stabbing pains are being inflicted on her chest, when someone materializes from the dark and startles her with a simple, "Ally."
It's the last person in the world she wants to see.
"Marisa." The shorter girl replies, in a voice that sounds exactly like giving up.
"Do you hate me?" The blonde asks, biting down on her lip and fighting back tears. But the brunette knows better than to block the water flow.
"I could never hate you, Mar. You make him happy."
"But you think you could make him happier than I can."
Ally stays silent at this, just letting the tears drip, making her feel sticky and disgusting.
"Answer me, Ally. I can't take it if you don't."
"Fine. I don't think I could. He's head over heels in love with you."
"But he loves you, too."
"Not in the same way I do him. Never in the same way."
"Do the details really matter?"
"Of course. Everything boils down to the details." They sit in silence for several minutes, both crying but for very different reasons.
"This would be so much easier if I did hate you," Ally says, not liking how she knows they both want to say something, but are afraid of hurting the others feelings.
"Same. If I could just hate you, then...I wouldn't have to feel guilty about stealing Austin from you."
"But that's the thing, Marisa, you didn't steal him, he chose you." And she stands up, not wanting to be involved with this pity party. She extends a hand for her friend, that she really doesn't want to be friends with, but can't help it.
Marisa gladly takes it, flings herself up, and wraps her arms around Ally. "You're so strong, Al. He needs someone that can stay strong."
She embraces Marisa back, and let's more tears fall. "You'll have to be that someone." And, just like that, the moment is gone and Ally is walking away from the scene, towards the people that she wants to be around. She doesn't want to have some deep conversation with her loves girlfriend.
She gets back to the landing area, and everyone that has had a real involvement in her accomplishment tonight is still there, looking around frantically. It's her cousin's boyfriend, Marcus, that sees her first. He runs up to her and picks her up, spins her around, and sets her back down. He's pretty talented at the bass, and they've grown to have a brother-sister relationship.
"Lee lee, you can't freakin' do that again! We had no idea where you were or if you, were, like, cutting yourself or something!"
"You know I'd never turn to hurting myself, Man lee." He smiles, and her favorite cousin, Cassie, runs up to her and hugs her, hits her, and hugs her again.
"You had me sweating with worry! I don't sweat, sista!" She screams out, and then once again hugs her younger cousin.
"You guys need to trust me better." Ally says, half smiling. Marcus and Cassie both go into hug her again, and then Trish joins in, next Dez, and pretty soon everyone still on set are in this monstrosity of a group hug. Even Austin.
"I think it's after party time!" Trish shouts out, and everybody cheers.
"I think we should stay in the stadium until we get bored, and when we get bored, we can all head over to the beach house we rented for the weekend!" Barren, the stage director yells. It's a relatively young cast and crew; no one above 25 besides Ally's dad, but he's about to bounce anyway, seeing as Ally is mature enough to go alone, and won't want her old father traipsing after her.
Everyone claps, and then the stage sound director, Mindy, starts blasting music through the stadium speakers, and they all run out to the stage. Its dance-y, fast tempo music that has everybody jumping and pumping fists in the air. About fifteen minutes in, 'Pay-phone' by Maroon five comes on, and Ally finds Austin in the crowd of people.
"Dance with me, for the last time." She's no longer crying, just breaking into a million pieces without losing control of how she wants to remember tonight.
He lets her pull him to an open area, and they begin their routine that they haven't practiced in literally months. But it's natural for them, just like everything else. They move together, and soon everybody has formed a circle around them and clapping to the beat. They loosen up eventually, and begin their old dancing antics; the goofy faces, the snarky comments, the laughing at old inside jokes. It's over all too fast for Ally, and it's the moment where Austin realizes that he is making a huge mistake, taking Marisa to Hollywood with him instead of the kooky girl that has stuck with him since his career took off. Heck, he wouldn't even have made that stupid video all that time ago, if it weren't for her singing Double Take in the practice room.
She stretches up to hug him, and he hugs back. He is getting a prickling sensation in his eyes, and knows that tears may be on the way. And Austin Moon never cries.
"Bye Austin. I love you." She knows it's too little, too late. But she also knows this is the very last time she will ever see him like this; with the memories of their friendship so fresh. Years from now, if they ever see each other again, it won't be the same. She slips away from him, and disappears. She leaves her heart, life, and self behind her. She's going to reinvent herself; become a smarter, wiser, better version of Ally Dawson.
"I love you, too, Ally." He whispers, making sure every last detail he can see of her is imprinted in his brain forever. He just wishes he could love her more than he loves Marisa.
A/N: Sad, I know, but I was feeling a little blue myself and this is what came out. And I'm sorry about the whole perspective switch right in the middle of the story; I totally forgot I was writing in first person, and by the time I realized I had screwed up, I was finished. I didnt want to have to go back through and re-write half of it.
If you are kind enough to REVIEW, I will gladly review one of your stories in return.
Oh, and the whole thing about her 'seeing' her mom in the crowd is because I have a hunch that her moms absence some how ties together with her stage fright. What are some of you guys' theories about her stage fright, or her mom? Or both? And should I do another one-shot involving the original characters, Marcus and Cassie?
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
~Tessie