"Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? …I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself—if they could live in my memories—would anyone love me?"
-John Green

Chapter 1: Back in Town

The last few years of my life had been weird, living in a routine until it was interrupted and then having to dig out another one in another place. But this time, it was interrupted to return to the place that it had began. My hometown. Moving generated the transformations I don't think ever would have happened had the move not happened.

It was weird being back in Lima. I had been there since we moved, of course, visiting once in a while, but this time it was different – I was back to stay. I had wanted it, the memories of my happiness calling me back. I just hoped I wouldn't be disappointed.

The movers had cleared out so I was left with my mom, my step-dad Antonio, and a house full of boxes. We moved back into my old house; a two story with four bedrooms, two of which lead out to a balcony. Instead of going back to my old room, though, I took my brother's, which was the second of the two that lead out to the balcony.

I had only made it through about two boxes when my mom appeared. I really hated un/packing.

"Ready for a break?" she asked. I sighed and pushed my things to the side.

"Yeah," I said.

"We're going out for dinner" - I stood up from the floor – "meet us at the truck," she said. I grabbed my things and turned off the light before making my way downstairs.

I sat in the back of the truck like always, hearing but not really listening to my mom and Antonio as they talked. My phone buzzed in my pocket; a text from Quinn.

Quinn: Hey! You coming over tomorrow?

Me: Yeah, around lunch?

Quinn: Sounds good

It didn't take long for us to reach the restaurant at the top of the hill because the town is so small. We entered Breadstix and got seated in a booth at the middle booth at the center of the room. I sat by myself facing the kitchen while my mom and Antonio sat together on the other side. (Antonio had this thing where he would never sit with his back to the door.) The server came and put a basket of bread sticks in the middle of the table before taking our drink orders. Out of the things I'd missed from Lima, Breadstix was definitely one of them. You just couldn't get bread sticks like theirs anywhere else.

I ate too many, of course, because I always did. I had eaten nearly half of them by the time we ordered our food. I was on my, say, sixth one when I saw them; those eyes: incredible blue oceans. But as soon as I met them, I looked away. I nibbled on my bread stick, looking at the table. My eyes shifted; they wanted to look. I wanted to look so bad but I kept myself focused on the table.

That is until I found myself looking and the bread stick just lying in my hand. I knew that my ordinary browns were nothing to her magnificent blues, and I had never really done eye contact – it's just too weird – but I couldn't look away. They had me trapped, and I believed I could look at them forever. Somehow, I just knew they held so much.

"Santana," Antonio said loudly. I jumped slightly and my head snapped his way. He raised an eyebrow and I looked down to see a plate of pasta. "Gonna eat anytime tonight?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, grabbing my fork.

The next time I looked up, I saw her walking out.

The rest of the night was boring. We went back home, I cleared a spot and set up my new bed, changed, and collapsed, ready for sleep to take over.

"Mija, are you going to get up?" my mom asked. I buried my face farther into my pillow, grumbling. "I thought you were going to your friend's?"

I turned my head to look her way. "-time is it?"

"Almost twelve." When she left, I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom. I passed the mirror, refusing to look at it as I headed for the toilet. I brushed my hair and threw on some clothes before shuffling downstairs.

I stopped in the doorway of the office. Mom was on her computer and Antonio was looking through some papers.

"Buenos días," Antonio greeted.

Mom turned around and smiled at me. "Are you leaving?" she asked.

I nodded and answered, "Yeah."

"Have fun," she said, turning back to her computer. "And be safe."

"I will." I turned around and headed for the side door. I opened the door but before I could step out, Antonio called, "¡Ten cuidado!" I closed the door behind me and made my way past the truck to my car. It was still fairly new because I had gotten it shortly before we moved. The black 2012 Chevy Camaro quickly became my favorite possession. I had always loved driving, it was calming in a way nothing else had ever been; it gives you something to pay attention to, with a little bit of room to still think.

The sound of the radio came soon after I turned the key. I backed out of the driveway and turned to go down the street before reaching for the dial and turning the volume up. The sound of the road may be nice, but the sound of music is always better. It's a must while driving.

The drive to Quinn's was about fifteen minutes. She lived in an even smaller town that was really only known for its lake. Her parents ran a hotel and the marina down at the lake; their house was by the hotel.

I parked at the side of the house next to the sidewalk, remembering how Quinn and I used to run around and play our games. I made my way to the front door and knocked. It didn't take long for the door to open and reveal the smiling face of Judy Fabray. "Santana, hey!" she greeted.

"Hey," I said.

"Come on in," she said, pulling me in for a hug. I stayed still with my arms to my side, waiting out the awkward hug. "It's great to see you." She ushered me farther in before closing the door. It didn't take long for me to spot Quinn in the living room to the right. She jumped up from the couch.

"Hey!" she said, making her way over to me. She pulled me in for a quick hug and then we moved over to the couches, her sitting back in her spot from before I walked in and me taking a seat on the couch opposite the window.

That's when I noticed the other person in the room for the first time. Light blue jeans with a gap – that I found myself looking at for too long – before a plain white shirt. My eyes trailed up to the straight blonde hair and pale face. It dawned on me then, when I saw those shining blue eyes, that it was the girl from Breadstix. And like then, I found myself lost in looking. When a smile broke out on her face, I found something almost as amazing as her eyes.

"Hi," she spoke. Her voice was sweet and matched her perfectly.

"H-ey," I said.

"Santana, this is Brittany," Quinn said. "Brittany, Santana."

"I thought you looked familiar," Brittany said. Quinn looked at her for a moment and then said, "I told you she was coming over."

"Oh, I meant the other night." I was surprised she remembered, especially because I was just some stranger that was pretty much staring at her while she was trying to eat her dinner. Nonetheless, I felt my lips tug up into a small smile.

"The other night?" Quinn questioned, sounding a little annoyed she was having to ask for a further explanation.

"I saw her at Breadstix," I informed.

"I knew I'd seen you somewhere," Brittany said before Quinn could get a word out. "Quinn showed me the picture in her room of you." It didn't take me long to remember the small oval picture frame that held a picture of my twelve or thirteen year old self. The thought of her seeing me like that made my cheeks burn.

"Thanks, Q," I grumbled. She knew I hated that picture.

"It's a good picture," she laughed.

"Are you girls ready to go?" Quinn's mom called. Before I could ask, Quinn explained, "We're going over to my mom's friend's house." So we abandoned the couch and piled into her mom's van. Q called shotgun so I sat behind her and Brittany sat behind Quinn's mom.

We pulled up to a small house and Brittany and Quinn opened their doors. Instead of opening my own, I decided to move over and crawl out Brittany's. I closed the door behind me and Quinn's mom gave me a smile as she stepped out. When we got inside, I recognized a few of the girls but not any of the adults. One of the women told us to get anything we wanted as we entered the kitchen.

There was drinks and a few snacks around, so I moved along with the others to get food. I grabbed some chips and dip and headed for the drinks.

"That's all you're getting?" Brittany asked, pouring herself a cup of Dr Pepper as I grabbed a bottle of water. I shrugged and answered, "Yeah."

She walked to the table with me and then snatched a chip from my plate before we parted and she took a seat at the table. Some others sat next to her and I continued on to sit at the other side of the table. Brittany looked my way, smiling. She popped the chip in her mouth and then looked to the girl next to her.

I spent the next half hour or so eating my chips and trying not to look at Brittany as I played with the paper plate. I failed with the latter; my eyes continued to drift to her, darting away when she caught me.

My mind suddenly tuned in to the conversation as everyone started standing up. I looked over at Quinn in confusion.

"Come on, we're gonna go play rock band," she told me.

I stood up and followed her through the house to what I guessed was the living room. I took a seat on the couch and watched as one of the girls began to pull out the guitar, drums, keyboard, and microphone.

Brittany sat behind the drums and Quinn took the mic. The game started and I watched Brittany attack the drums, glancing at the screen every once in awhile. She's good, I thought. They all seemed so into it and when the song ended, there were a few low cheers (Brittany among them) and they began to switch around.

"Do you wanna play, San?" Quinn asked.

"No thanks," I said. Truth is, I kind of did want to. But I didn't because I didn't want to risk the potential happening of embarrassment. So I just sat.

Brittany and Quinn traded places and instead of staying on the drums, my eyes followed Brittany. I wondered if she could sing. The song started and she slowly tapped her side. She lifted the mic to her lips, and I was met with the pleasant surprise of her low hum.

"Come over here."

Her hips started to sway as some of the others played their selected instruments.

"So slide over here

And give me a moment

Your moves are so raw

I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know"

There was never a time I had been so memorized by another person. Her hips seemed to rock in perfect motion, and I had a feeling she was, or could be, an amazing dancer. She began to spin, and soon enough she was facing away from the tv and instead looking in my direction. My eyes ran over her saccharine smile before I met her eyes.

"You're one of my kind"

She winked, possibly at me because everyone else was playing an instrument, and let out a high pitched "Oh" as she continued her spin.

"There's something about you girl

That makes me sweat"

Suddenly, the game stopped.

"Uh, we should pick a different song," Quinn said. "I think this is a little inappropriate."

Brittany's nose scrunched a little and she began to giggle; the others laughed a little. I knew Quinn didn't really have a problem with "inappropriate" music, but it was understandable to not want your mother to hear you listening to it, or your friend singing it. They switched around again, but this time I couldn't find Brittany. Where did she go? The couch slumped beside me and I looked over and there she was. She smiled.

"Why are you sitting here alone?" she asked. She was sitting a little close and smelled of sweet cotton candy, but smelling her was much better than smelling actual cotton candy could ever be. Her knee touched mine and I glanced down.

"I'm watching," I answered. I could feel her eyes on me, so I looked up. Our eyes connect briefly, but I looked away. There was something about her eyes that just made me want to look. But with her sitting right there, so close, when I was sure she was looking at me, too, I couldn't.

"You don't want to play?" she questioned.

I shrugged. "Nah."

"Okay," she said, leaning back into the couch. "I'll sit with you." I glanced back at her and she smiled again. She had a charming smile.

"You can relax, you know," she said.

"I am relaxed," I said, avoiding her eyes. It was a complete lie.

She laughed. "Okay."

I wanted to be annoyed with her, wanted to snap at her for talking and make her go away, but I couldn't. I was actually a little disappointed that she stopped. I looked forward to watch the others play. But I couldn't focus on them, really. My mind was filled with too many thoughts. Why is she sitting by me? Did she want to sit by me, or is she just taking a break? Of course she doesn't want to sit with you, idiot. Why the hell would she want to? I glanced back at her and she lifted her eyes and smiled at me. I quickly faced forward. Her knee was still touching mine.

"'To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing,'" she whispered after a few minutes. "Elbert Hubbard." What? I looked at her from the corner of my eye. Was she trying to tell me that she thought I was trying to "be nothing" to "avoid criticism"? Maybe I was, but what did she know about me? I mean, we'd barely known each other for a few hours. Just because I didn't want to make a fool of myself I was "being nothing"?

It was starting to get dark by the time we got back to Quinn's house. Her mom disappeared and we went to sit around in the living room.

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Quinn asked.

"No," I answered. Of course not.

She smiled and said, "What do you think about getting together with some of the others? We've all missed you." I rolled my eyes at that, but it didn't stop the small smile from appearing as I said, "Yeah, sure, that sounds cool."

"I've heard a lot of stories about you," Brittany said. "I'm really glad I finally met you." Before I could say something, feasibly moronic, Quinn spoke up.

"Well, including you, some people like to sleep until lunch, so how about we just meet in town around one?" she said.

"Can we go to McDonald's?" Brittany asked. Quinn and I agreed and then I decided it was time to make my departure because I still needed to go see my dad.

Brittany and Quinn followed me out to my car, Brittany commenting, "It's really hot. It totally fits you." Quinn gave me a light hug and then Brittany jumped in front of me with a big smile. She pulled me in for a hug and her smell of sweet cotton candy instantly surrounded me. I carefully moved my arms to hug her back, closing my eyes momentarily at the feel. There was this girl I barely met hugging me, and it was the best I'd ever had. Little did I know, there was many more to come. I was sad that it ended, but when I saw her smile, I couldn't help but return it.

I drove back into town and to my dad's house. The porch light was on. I parked behind his car and made my way to the front door. I opened it slowly, poking my head in slightly before I stepped in. I heard the tv first, and then saw Eva, my dad's girlfriend, on the couch; she looked back at me as I pushed the door closed.

"Hey Santana," she said.

"Hey," I replied, and then glanced to the right, where the kitchen was, due to hearing a noise. Said noise happened to be my dad.

"Mija!" he exclaimed, smiling joyously as he padded over to me.

"Hey, papá," I said. He had a spatula in one hand, so I figured out he was cooking something. He pulled me into a tight bear hug and I laughed a little as he finally pulled away.

"You're here!" he said. "I've missed you, sweetheart."

"Yeah, me too." He put his free hand on the back of my head, pulling me forward a little and kissed the top of my head.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, signaling I follow him to the kitchen. "Supper is almost ready." He stirred the contents of the skillet, which happened to be Spanish rice. The only thing I had eaten was the chips and dip earlier, so I decided that eating something would be good.

I joined Eva on the couch while my dad finished cooking. She was watching some movie ("I don't remember," she said when I asked her the name) that looked kind of interesting. We sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the movie.

"Do you still have a lot of packing to do?" Eva asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'll get it done eventually." She chuckled.

My dad brought two plates out, handing one to each Eva and I. I pushed the food around with my fork a little until my dad joined us, sitting on the other side of Eva. I took my first bite.

"Have you talked to your brother?" my dad asked.

"Not since the other day," I said. I had a good relationship with my brother, but we didn't really talk much since we didn't live together. I figured, since we were back in Ohio and he only lived an hour away from Lima, I would be seeing him more often.

"I'm sure he'll be in town soon to see you all."

"Yeah, he said he'd be down to see us." We ate in (almost) silence for a few minutes, the tv and moving silverware providing the only sounds. I didn't mind, though, because it was comfortable.

"How was the trip down here?" Eva asked.

"Way too long," I said.

We talked aimlessly for a while as we finished our food, and then awhile after.

"Are you staying the night?" my dad asked.

"No," I said, "I think I'll head back to Mom's."

"Okay, but you'll come back tomorrow, right?"

"Tomorrow night. I'm hanging out with Quinn tomorrow."

"That's good. You don't need to spend your summer sitting around here with us," Eva said.

"You should bring her around sometime," my dad said. I laughed a little and agreed.

My dad followed me out to my car; we talked for about ten minutes before he let me go.

My mom and Antonio were in the living room when I got home, watching tv. I decided to forgo the family tv watching and climbed the stairs to my room. I collapsed to the bed and turned on the tv, changing channels until I landed on something mildly interesting. My eyes were set on the tv, but my mind began to roam. I thought over the move and then my day. My silence that brought me nothing and Brittany's words. Spending the day with my supposed best friend while managing to still feel like an outsider.

The thoughts rolled around in my head, repeating over and over again. I had such high expectations for being back, and though my day wasn't exactly bad, I lay there in my bed with the same feeling creeping over me – sucking me in and dulling me out while still making me feel horrible. A dull ache that had no explanation. I should have been used to it by then, but I wasn't.

I got up for my best solution and walked to the open suitcase with clothes spilling out. I quickly changed into shorts and then left the room.

I let the music boom in my ears as I ran down the street. My mind was racing, it wanted to think. Run run run. Despite my begging for a clear mind, I was granted no such miracle, and the thoughts slithered in. Focusing on running didn't help; focusing on the lyrics only distracted me momentarily, only to have my mind wander off, winding in and out of the thoughts I couldn't stop.

Eventually, though, my thoughts did begin to fade out and the music started taking over as I continued to run. I didn't know how long I was out there; how far I had gone; but when I got back home, I was exhausted. And, despite my extreme sweatyness, I didn't take a shower before I collapsed to my bed. I think it was the quickest I had ever fallen asleep.

Buenos días = Good morning

¡Ten cuidado! = Be careful!

Any good?

Tell me what you think and I'll continue if you like!

Song: INXS - Need You Tonight

Thanks for reading.