I don't need her.
At least, that's what I tell myself every day, every night. Every hour, every minute, every passing second, I repeat this mantra that I don't care for her, I don't want her, and I certainly don't need her.
And it's so funny, because I know how completely wrong I am, yet I keep lying to myself, and to her, because I'm scared to accept it.
I hate being alone, but it's what I have come to accept my entire life, thus it makes me feel that, if it were no longer the case, I would become someone else entirely, and lose whatever likeability I somehow posses.
Ruby Rose... you're somehow this light in what is a very dark tunnel. This weird, wacky and wonderful being which, out of no where in my life, came to be to brighten up this depressive, soul crushing experience called life.
And what do I do to you?
I hurt you, I shut you off, I lie to you day in and day out.
I'm horrible.
I'm terrible.
I deserve to die.
I want to die.
So what's stopping me?
Is it fear? Is it common sense? Is it that, deep in my subconscious, I am being told to hold on? To change and become something better? To correct what is wrong with me and pursue this girl who surely cannot view me as her best friend, never mind as a romantic interest.
Sigh... yes... for whatever reason, I've grown attracted to this girl.
It's disgusting.
I'm disgusting.
Though I've always known that.
My thoughts are interrupted, my body jolting, as the door to our room slams open and a bouncy, larger than life girl, more that than a women, makes her entrance.
I'm never really too surprised, it's more the noise which acts as a shock, probably an ancient human instinct I suppose.
She's two years younger than me. What do I expect, really?
"You do realise it's the weekend right? You seriously can't waste a nice sunny day in here!"
I look over to her, unable to avert the bland, dead look in my face and eyes as I respectfully listen to her every word like nectar to a bee. It's encapsulating to me, I just can't understand why... even if I'm in love with her, how can someone sound so perfect to me? So refreshing and real.
"Uh, hello? Earth to Weiss?"
Ah.
"Did you just wake up or something?"
'Don't be stupid' is what I would say if I could bring forth the energy to do so.
"I mean you're still in your pyjamas!"
Today is one of those really, really bad days.
"You're not even tucked into bed, jeez~ c'mon~"
I'm upsetting her again, I really should try and say something, anything.
"...I'm sorry" I mumble. Wow, I just don't have it in me today at all.
Ruby's frown turns into a look of sorrow. She's known of my depression for a while now. We have been in the same dorm for the best part of the year. A lot can be said and slipped out in that time, it's only natural to learn about someone, even if that someone doesn't wish to be known about.
"Bad day huh?" She speaks softly, quietly... trying to counsel me I suppose. "I... I really wish you would see a professional about this ya know?" Not this again...
"Why?" I reply with a croak, my throat is too dry for a proper conversation, whatever that may be.
"Damn it Weiss you know why!" She raises her voices, I cower and she instantly looks regretful, and I hate myself for it.
"Sorry... I just..." She sighs "I know what you think about them, but please... just something..." She trails off, a sense of despair lingering in her voice, she seems scared.
I never believed in the help of 'professionals'. As if they could possible help. Counselling is bullshit. Emitting your thoughts and past does nothing but act as a temporary release, never solving the issue at heart. And therapy? Don't make me laugh. Tap this, tap that, as if that fucking does anything.
Drugs? Then I really do become something else... something not real.
My thoughts are interrupted again as the girl sits, more like falls, onto my bed, draping her back onto my legs covered by the wrinkled but soft bed sheets. She lets out an exasperated sigh, as if she has given up on this endeavour to convince me to seek the help I know, but refuse, to take. She hasn't given up, she just doesn't know what to say. It's a pattern of conversation on this topic which has occurred time and time again, without change.
After staring at the dull white ceiling for what seems to be an age, Ruby turns her head to face me, while still laying down in that contorted state. How doesn't it hurt her back? It boggles my dying mind.
She does something she has only done recently, and still with rarity... she stretches out her arm, revealing the right hand graced with red fingernails that is reaching out towards my long, bed headed white hair, and gently grasps it. I can sense the affection within the hold... the smooth rolling of hair between her fingers, lacking the ink from the previous days hard work of note writing and research. I look back up to lock gazes, and she simply smiles. Not one of sorrow or pity, but something else... affection? No, that would be too strong a word right? That implies something more than friendship, and no way in hell would this wonderful dolt ever love me.
This mess.
This useless mess.
"I always liked your hair."
Heh.
"...as generic as that sounds..."
There it is.
She's learnt that from me you know? That sort of verbal tick whenever I say something that sounds generic or stereotypical. When it's sappy, I just replace the word generic with that... and I'm hardly ever sappy, but she seemed to just pick up on it. Is it imitation? Is it just something people in close contact do? Learn verbal ticks and physical patterns? I don't know, I'm not an expert, Google it or something.
...I'm talking to myself when I have a Rose right beside me, aha. So useless.
I chuckled... it was just so... her and me... gah, it's difficult to express in words.
We laid there in silence for a while. I don't know for how long, but it already made me feel better. Her hand had moved down to my own which was no longer tucked into the covers, and she stroked it with care, while exploring it. She would knead my fingertips between her own, moving down my fingers, giving me a mini-massage of sorts. She would flip my hand over and run her index fingers' nail across and around my palm and the back of my hand.
She began to become unbearably uncomfortable in time it would seem, as she eventually gave my hand a squeeze before getting up to give her back a much needed stretch and twist.
I twisted my head in turn, which I laid down flat during this session of friendly intimacy, to look at her after the cracking and popping stopped. But she was gone. I blinked and wondered where the dolt had disappeared to, only to have my body lurch up and down and she sat on the opposite side of the bed. We looked at each other again, a grin adorning her adorable face, eyebrow raised and her captivating silver eyes looking teasing, as she budged her way into my bed and covers.
God... Ruby you have no idea what you're doing to me.
I nearly lost all of my composure when she started to embrace me further, cuddling up to me side, entwining her legs, near without those skinny jeans of hers, with mine, and resting her head on my chest.
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah'
'Help.'
'HELP!'
'I can't stop blushing!'
'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'
Was all my mind could process as of now, gah I can barely form this sentence!
"Go back to sleep Weiss"
Her whisper jerked me out of my rampaging thoughts, and I sighed a shaky breath, and closed my eyes, readjusting just a bit to get comfortable again, Ruby following suit like a mind reader.
Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.
Most of my day is spent on Twitter...
Twitter is a double edged sword when it comes to venting, or considering it some form of escape from the torment of life, be it dull or painful. This freedom to express yourself however you wish if you so wanted had its downsides of course. You would end up emitting yourself as some sort of god of speaking, with many random but interesting things to say day in and day out, but in person or even on a messenger, you would be someone barely able to form a proper conversation without feeling that you are saying too much or being long winded.
Confidence... so easily masked under a gimmick, yet so soul eating it makes you wonder how you have a friend in the first place, if you're not so unlucky to have lost some on the way, or never have any to begin with, as in my case up until college.
"...so the room-mate cuddled me on my bed today, sadly not romantically but omg I nearly died right there lol"
Alas, I bought into the service, dug into the hype you could say, and created my Twitter handle; "IceQueen51"... someone took the name without the number of course, bastards.
Well, probably bitch but 'bastard' has a better ring to it, don't you think?
"darknekoblake: LOOL have you SERIOUSLY not told her yet Weiss? that whole thing could have gone sooo much better :p"
"IceQueen51: And /how/ am I supposed to do that, hmm Blake? She's too innocent to be into girls aha. And STOP talking like that ugh."
"darknekoblake: You're so dumb sometimes. And I'LL tweet* how I want thanks."
"IceQueen51: ugh, blocked"
"darknekoblake: lol"
"I swear to god I'm going to hurt that woman." I mumbled, hoping not to catch Ruby's attention, who was currently cooking up some sort of monstrosity in our small kitchen.
Anyway... on Twitter I'm pretty open about myself (apart from the name of course, that would be stupid to mention), and because of that, it's easy to gain a couple hundred followers. I'm a girl, who likes other girls, that likes gay anime girls. It's perfect, really. Of course, you get the idiots that call you fake but, whatever, you still follow and enjoy my Icy Spicy Content™.
Of course I made it my number one priority that Ruby never found my account... the shit I tweet on there would have her clock in no time at all. But it wasn't always easy keeping things under wraps. But I took my precautions... such as only using Twitter on my phone so she couldn't see my profile on the sidebar thing... more like a profile preview right?
"Watcha' doin' Weissy?"
"AHH what do you mean?!" It was Ruby of course, sneaking up on me with that oh so curious, childlike tone she does at least five times a day to make sure my heart was still beating, either in surprised shock or adorable arousal... wait does that-
"Well~ I was sure that I just saw a certain white haired girl browsing the Twitters-"
"Stop talking like that." I said with my trademark stern bitch voice, gotta love it.
"I'll think about it." It was at that point she shot me a cheeky grin, eyebrow raised with a short chuckle, and I swore I had a massive blush on my face.
'Good lord help me'
"Ugh... what are you cooking by the way?" If I would have a guess I would presume it's-
"Chocolate chip pancakes with cookie bits!"
Yeah... that sounds about right.
"How... is that even possible? On like, so many levels?" I questioned, Ruby giving me a dumbstruck look at the end of it. I sighed, and elaborated. "Firstly, how does all that sugar not kill you? Secondly, how the hell can you even cook that correctly? And lastly, how the fuck can you not cook anything else but that?!" I was genuinely bewildered... and annoyed.
"Woah woah woah... woah, Weissy!"
"Stop calling me 'Weissy'!"
She dodged the pillow I threw while saying that, chuckling as she ducked to the side letting the soft object hit the bathroom door which was thankfully closed. She's always been really quick with her reflexes, though I guess that's partly down to all the sugar in her system and the hyper-activeness that comes with it, which she can seemingly turn on and off like a fan switch.
"Heh heh... well how about you put your phone away..." She snatches the now turned off phone from my hands and politely decides against turning it on and having a look through it, and places it on the desk besides the small wall between the bathroom and kitchen. "...and you straighten your back out, gotta keep your posture correct hmm?" She's mocking me... and I love it. "And I'll give you three straight answers to your questions, all right?"
I sigh, a sign I oblige, and lay fully down on the bed, removing one of the pillows and resting on the singular pillow remaining. While doing so, Ruby dashes to the kitchen to finish off cooking her diabetes meal. While I wait for her to return, I do some back stretches, removing the kinks and adjusting my back to laying fully down instead of being as bent as my sexuality... aha, funny original joke!
I try my best, what can I say?
"So, to answer your first question..." She returns, plate with her mutant pancakes resting atop it and a big grin to boot. "...my name is Ruby Rose of course! Brightest kid of the college, quite literally, and the room-mate, of the oh so depressed heiress of the biggest oil-company in the world, Schnee Industries." I groan, said groan becoming distorted and she plops herself on my bed, placing the place on the small desk beside it.
"Question two, I am simply a master at cooking 'The Ruby Rose Special'."
"Figures"
"Yup! And lastly... 'cause you cook the, quote on quote, 'real meals'" She gestures while saying that. "of the day."
"Which I could have some help with..."
"Yeah, but I always end up burning stuff, then you get mad, and I don't wanna make you mad."
"How thoughtful." I say teasingly, while Ruby simply maintains her smirk.
We sat (and lay) there in silence, but a comfortable one, the sweet aroma of the pancakes and Ruby sending me to sleep once again.
I don't need her.
But I like being around her, and her being around me.
The next thing I knew I was standing in this town, presumably the one our college resides in, being pushed and barged by the populace that didn't seem to notice her existence, like so many others in her life. The noise of the city was droning, almost hypnotising... the sounds of a mass of footsteps, the ant-like collection and movement of human beings from point A to point B on concrete, with tarmac allowing the larger, metallic transport to move even more people from points further, and further away from each other.
I walked, in no particular direction really. Just walking, trying to find my way back to my dorm room, hopefully to Ruby.
But no matter how far I walked, I couldn't get away from the crowd, this faceless, uncaring and cold crowd which did nothing but push and drown her out of existence, or at least try to. The crowd of people became more intense, to the point where I was barged over and fell to the floor in a tumble. I was now falling down this hill which became slowly grassy, flattening out quickly so I could regather my sense and recover from the multiple rolls and bumps.
When I gathered my senses, I found myself in a park, one I remembered well. Not for how long I stayed there, but for what happened here, all the good memories, now sad and longing, painful to be reminded of. I brushed down my casual where, adjusted my hair, and as I began to walk and re-explore this place, a group of four arrived, and I hid myself, recognising who they were instantly.
They were friends from the past, my only true friends, and me.
We were 15 and 16, and only she was 15.
She had short, dyed black hair and a thin figure, similar to mine. She was just a bit taller than me, but noticeable all the same.
I was dreaming.
No, I was having a nightmare.
They're gone now.
I don't want to see them.
I don't want to see her.
I don't need her.
I blinked, and found myself no longer looking on as a spectator to my own past, but an actor within in it. We settled around a statue like construction within the park, occasionally sitting on the concrete material, and then looping around it and being pests to each other. We keep our relationship a secret because of her insistence, and I liked to tease her over it, pecking her on the back of her neck while the others were looking away.
However this time, it took a violent turn.
She was always physical. For as long as we were friends, I was in a sense the punching bag. For all those years, I always had a bruise on me for the smallest of things, be it a tease, a poke, being too provocative in flirtations... she was always, for some bizarre reason, incredibly insecure. Smarter than me, but worried over something. I was the only one to break her shell. In the end, as some cruel reward, she created one for me... made of emotionally painful steel and iron.
The rest of the dream was nothing but humiliation and abuse, and a flood of real life memories flooding back, stabbing me over and over with trauma and agony, never ceasing, growing worse and worse and wor-
I awoke violently, shivering in fear and shock, screaming at the top of my lungs. A cold sweat adorned my body, and the shiver converted into one of both emotional and physical distress.
Ruby must have gone out, probably to get some supplies or because her sister needed her, or someone else for that matter. She is well liked after all. But to be alone, in an empty college dorm, likely an empty hallway too, piled on to my distress. I felt worse and worse by the second, struggling to control my breathing and my nerves. I kept feeling that thudding, empty pain in my stomach, and tears began following from my eyes as I desperately wished for the feeling to stop.
'Die. Die. Die. Die.'
'Slice. Hurt. Cut. Bleed.'
'Useless. Useless. Useless'
The fucking mantras' wouldn't fucking stop.
Why won't it stop?!
I don't want this!
I don't need this!
'You need her.'
I don't.
'Useless garbage'
That's all I am.
'Stupid girl~'
I rolled out of bed, carelessly tossing myself onto the floor. Maybe physical pain would quell my broken mind and distract me from the torment of the mantras' inside my distorted head. I hiccuped, the crying never ceasing, dampening my greasy face.
I couldn't stop crying.
Why couldn't I stop?
I struggled to stand, barely able to find strength in my thin legs and arms. Stumbling, I tried to grasp upon the frame of the bathroom door, the slight outward structure from the wall being enough to cling onto to be able to raise myself far enough to lean against the wall to the side of it for support. Immediately ahead on the right was the kitchen, and my mind began to cloud and numb.
My body took a mind of it's own, refusing to listen to the few complaints and objections I had. I could feel myself smiling, my mind slipping into a brief insanity, before I felt myself seemingly fall into unconsciousness.
Everything became a blur, but I could hear and feel everything. The opening of wooden draws, the clanging of metal and steel. The stinging pain, accompanied by a relieving coolness that shot through my body and brain. The warmth of thick, red liquid.
Red like roses.
"Wake up!"
Ruby Rose.
"Weiss! Please wake up!"
I don't need her.
"Weiss!"
I awoke with a loud gasp, head-butting Ruby in the process.
Wait...
That was a dream?
No... it was all reliving.
"Ouch~ damn it Weiss that bloody hurt!"
Blood.
It was everywhere.
I broke down again, tears flowing like a waterfall from my bloodshot eyes.
"Weiss..." Ruby said softly to me, I couldn't see her, but I could picture her dejection and concern. I've made her worry again. But, despite my uselessness, and the burden I impose, she held me. She laid me back down, along with herself, and tuck my head into her chest. Any other time I would have been blushing like mad... but for now? I needed this. I needed to just let go, and have someone there with me to comfort me.
Even if she never knows...
Even if she doesn't feel the same...
As long as she is there for me, at the end of it all, I'll be fine.
I need her.
Author's Notes
So... after a year I've uploaded something here... wow. So yeah, I finally finished a chapters worth of content, or at least something I think deserves an upload. I'm kinda testing the waters with this upload. I want to see how well this does before I dabble into something else, or return to writing up "Herausforderer", my Strike Witches fanfic.
Since I've been off for so long, I suppose with this upload I'm also looking for some constructive reviews; what I've done well, what I need to add, what I need to cut down on, and so on.
Again, if this does well, I can always try and write up another one-shot at the least. I don't have too many ideas for a long winded fic of RWBY at the moment, but any motivation coming from this would help jog my mind with something other than depressing thoughts lol.
Anyway, thanks for reading... and yeah, y'all know what to do if you like it or have something to say, not gonna whore too much aha. If you wanna know a bit more about me, be sure to check my bio.
-Broeckoli