Just Friends
By Laura Schiller
Based on: Star Trek: Voyager
Copyright: Paramount
"Sweetie, wait!"
Neelix bustled down the corridor after Kes, who had just exited the mess hall without noticing the lost animal looks he had been giving her from behind his kitchen counter. She stopped and turned around, her hands clenched behind her back; she hated it when he made a scene, let alone in a public corridor.
"What's the matter?" she asked as he caught up with her.
"I – well, I was wondering … why didn't you come to my quarters last night?" His hurt feelings were visible in every line of his purple-and-yellow, be-whiskered face. "I had fresh Jimballian fudge cake just for you!"
Kes sighed. She had hoped it wouldn't come to this – which, knowing Neelix, was really quite futile. It seemed he just wouldn't take no for an answer; neither from Tuvok, whom he wanted for a friend, nor Kes, who had been his lover for almost two years and couldn't take another day.
"Neelix, I thought I told you … it would be best if we kept our relationship platonic."
"Platonic, my whiskers!" he sniffed, waving her words away with a black-spotted hand. "Come now, Kes, you were possessed by a mad warlord. Surely you didn't mean it?"
Kes shuddered. It was happening just as she had predicted it would.
"Listen," she said, starting to walk again. "About that … I'm sorry it had to be Tieran who said it instead of me, but the fact is, he was right. He knew me, Neelix … he had access to all my memories. And I was going to ask you to end our relationship."
Neelix followed half a step beside her, his hands fluttering through the air as he spoke, like birds in a cage. "I don't understand," he said plaintively. "Aren't you happy, dearest? Haven't I done everything in my power to protect you and make you smile?"
Kes felt a painful tugging sensation in her heart; part of her wanted to stop, put her arm around him and forget this conversation had ever happened. But the rest of her revolted; in a few das, she knew, she would be back to feeling like a fish on a hook, inexorably reeled in.
"I know you have," she said, taking deep breaths and clinging to patience. "Only … " How could she be careful of his feelings and still tell the truth?
His woebegone expression decided the matter. She'd had enough of him looking at her as if he were a bug she'd stepped on.
"You act like you own me!" she burst out. "Yes, you helped the Voyager crew rescue me from the Kazon, and yes, I'll always be thankful for that, but I'm not onbligated to spend every minute with you!"
He took a step back. Kes was a gentle creature, but Tieran's posession combined with the strain of the past few months with Neelix were enough to unnerve anyone.
"You make me feel guilty for having friends and hobbies of my own. You even dumped spaghetti on Tom Paris in the mess hall, and ignored me when I told you he and I are just friends."
"I already apologized for that, in case you forgot!" Neelix flared up, a distinct relief compared to his previous manner. "You told me it didn't matter!"
"I was just so relieved to have you safe that I - " Kes caught herself. He was doing it again – putting her on the defensive. Soon she would be apologizing, promising to make it better, as if the trouble were all her fault.
"Anyway, I have no guarantee that won't happen again. Neelix, listen – I'm three years old. I don't need to be watched like a baby and I won't put up with your possessiveness any longer."
"If I'm possessive, Miss Kes," he snapped, "It's for a reason. Someone has to look out for you! You're too sweet and naive for your own good, always have been! If you hadn't been playing the ministering angel to Tieran and his female, he wouldn't have crawled into your brain in the first place!"
Kes reeled back as if she had been slapped. "Naïve, am I?" she said – quietly, but with a metallic edge to her voice that would have done Tieran proud. "Excuse me, Mr. Neelix, while I go play in Sickbay."
She dove into the turbolift and leaned against the wall, tears of fury leaking from her eyes.
=/\=
Later that day, stretched full lenth on the bed in her pyjamas, Kes deleted her fifth letter of apology and buried her head in her pillow. She still couldn't believe she and Neelix, the most important man in her life, had said such ugly things to each other. It was all wrong.
She had so wanted this to be civilized, to keep his friendship if she couldn't take his love. She did love Neelix, in a way - she loved his warm and generous heart, his silly sense of humor, even his outrageous cooking experiences. She loved the way he could tease a smile to her face even on her worst days: "Neelix to Security, Kes's frown is losing it's structural integrity … red alert, I'm detecting a smile!" But did she love him as a mate?
As a nine-month-old Kazon slave girl, dazzled with gratitude, she would have immediately said yes. But there were so many kinds of love she had come to know on Voyager: the steady bond between the Captain and First Officer, the fireworks exchanged between Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres, Samantha Wildman's love for her daughter. They all had a different flavor. However, she couldn't help but notice that her relationship with Neelix resembled the latter more than the former – an elder protecting a helpless child.
Kes had endured the horror of being trapped inside her own mind while Tieran used her body for his own. She had fought him every step of the way, as ruthless as himself. She was not a child anymore.
Dear Neelix,
I'm sorry I shouted at you like that. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I still care about you very much, and I always will. This will be best for both of us, believe me.
Someday, I know, you will find a woman who loves you with her whole heart, more than I can. When you find her, I'll be there cheering you on.
Your friend,
Kes
Almost the same moment she clicked Send, a transmission arrived. She had to laugh, but as she read it, her laughter was mingled with pearly tearsdrops for her to wipe off the data padd.
My dear Kes,
You are not naïve. I never meant to say that, it just slipped out. You know my temper.
As for the rest of it, I suppose I don't need to tell you how sorry I am. I always thought we'd be together for all of your nine years. You're the only family I have left.
Anyway, I won't bother you with this again. If it's a friend you need, I'll be the best friend you ever had. I'll anticipate your wishes before you have them, and I will bake those fudge cakes for you. The replicator simply doesn't do them justice.
My door is always open, sweetie. If you change your mind, I'll be waiting.
Love,
Neelix
They did not discuss the letters. They did not mention the fact that they had once been lovers. But every morning after that, when Kes stepped into the mess hall, she met Neelix's eye with steady affection. He grinned back.
"What can I do for you, Kes?"
Her menu request changed every day, but her smile never did.