Custodial Duties: Some Assistance Required
by Amy L. Hull
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Written for akamarykate for Yuletide of 2015. Thanks to Mechabiera for football help and to BlueMorpho for the proofreading and cheerleading.
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Custodian typically greets me. He is often surly or dismissive, but that is our way.
Today I've had to call for him twice already. It takes my third, sustained complaint to get him moving. Before he even opens the door, I know she is there. Woman distracts Custodian from his duties. And she doesn't like me.
"Don't let that cat in!" she calls as Custodian picks up the paper.
I don't care what she thinks. I look her in the eyes then turn with a toss of my haunches and a flick of my tail. I head down the stairs. That will show Woman. Her loss. Friend will get to feed and pet me.
It is a good morning, warm near the cooking boxes and Friend has soft food with pieces of real fish. I purr my thanks and she strokes my back. Friend has the best touch of them all. I settle in and bask in warmth, absent-minded stroking, and comfort. It is a good day.
It is a busy day as well. Custodian is going to need support. Even though it's his job, he is only human, after all. Still, there is no reason to leave the cosy spot Friend keeps for me until it is time.
As good smells fill the space, but before loud groups of humans arrive, I leave.
I stare at Woman's workplace and listen to Time and the wind. When my whiskers twitch just so, I know the sound is right and scamper across the lot.
It always gives me a pleasant fur-ruffle to see how easy it is to outsmart humans. I slip right through the door that's slowly closing behind a departing group. They don't notice me, and I have to sneeze at how these humans trust the protection of these 'police' humans. What it must be like to live with such poor vision. I almost feel sad for them.
It is quick work to hop up the stairs. The humans are all having different conversations. Humans are so loud. Again, their lack of quiet expression...somewhat sad. Definitely pathetic.
Woman is sitting nearby. She will not follow me, that much is sure. But she cares about her star. Soon there will be a disturbance. My whiskers twitch from the vibrations and I jump onto Woman's lap.
"Hey!"
Her body tenses and she shoves at me with an elbow. I bat my tail into her face and rub the top of my head on her front and her legs, purring. Humans who like me enjoy the purring. Woman hates it.
"Get off!" She won't raise her voice and attract attention, so I scratch at her belt. "What are you doing here?" She shoves with her elbow again, then sneezes.
I shake my head. I'd forgotten about the sneezing. I've only got moments now.
She hisses at me. "Did Hobson send you? Tell him I'm working. And get out!"
I've got the star loose and grab the leather around it in my teeth, tug, and leap away.
"What did you... Hey, you little furball! Get back here!"
Now she's loud. But also following. I twitch the tip of my tail and trot along on the very tips of my toes, making sure to look as proud of myself as I am.
Woman is chasing me now. "Stop that cat!"
"Call Animal Control yourself, Brigatti."
There is laughter echoing in the stairwell. It is one human ability I would like to have. I stop by the door and sit, still twitching my tail. It's fun to lead someone on a chase.
"Get back here, you!" Woman's paws clatter as she comes down the stairs.
I twitch my ears at her. When she is close enough, my whiskers twitch and I squeeze past someone's legs and out the door.
"Why did you let him out?" Woman shouts.
"Since when do we want cats in the district office?"
Woman growls, and the rest of her response is drowned out as she runs after me down the sidewalk.
Humans are so slow. It must be so hard for them to navigate this world. Slow, bad vision, no sense of smell. Smell. That was the right vibration through my whiskers just as the smell of old chicken and cheese blows on the wind out of an alley. I pause and look back. Woman is still following, shouting at anyone in her way. I bat my tail back and forth and walk into the alley.
Custodian is there, right on time, splayed awkwardly across a man on the ground.
"Hey, get off me, man! I didn't do nothing!"
Custodian sets a bag aside. "I suppose these are yours?"
Woman is panting as she turns the corner. She hisses again, "You mangy little fur-"
"I found them. Someone had to pick them up."
"Out of old ladies' mailboxes?"
Woman turned at his voice. "Hobson?"
I really would like to be able to laugh like humans sometimes. For now, I set Woman's star on the ground and watch. My tail twitches. I am going to like this.
"Brigatti?" Custodian is funny when he's confused. And he's very, very confused.
She places one paw on the bricks of the building, still breathing loudly. "Hobson, what are you doing here?"
Custodian looks at her, looks at the man under him, looks back towards Woman, but sees me. His eyes narrow like this is my fault. "Don't just stand there, Brigatti! You expect me to hold him all afternoon for you?"
"Hobson! You…"
"He's got a bag full of Social Security statements."
"And you know this...how?" Woman's front paws are on her hips. This is better than the fast-moving ball game.
"I…"
"I suppose you had a 'feeling' you just had to check out?"
"That's right. I had a feeling."
"And you decided to tackle someone who's probably an identity thief. In an alley. Like you're playing tight end in Hickory Hills."
"It's just Hickory," Custodian mumbles.
"I suppose Lassie over there led me here like you're Timmy stuck down a well."
Lassie. Lassie is a dog. I wonder if Woman knows the difference.
"Brigatti, you gonna help, or are you just going to stand there looking at my tight end?"
Now she's narrowing her eyes at him, but she heads over and grabs the man's front paw. I lick my lips as she puts the cuffs on the man.
"Thanks for helping, Toni." Custodian looks at the paper. I have to admit, he's a good Guardian. "Hey, um, I'm really sorry, but I've got a, um...thing I have to do and, well, I appreciate your showing up and all, but...see you tonight?" Custodian shows his teeth then runs.
"You-"
"What, you and that crazy guy sleeping together?" the man says.
"Shut up," Woman says, jerking him to his back paws. She leans down and grabs her star from in front of me, tucks it back on her belt, and picks up the bag. "Thanks for nothing, you little furball. All I've got now is a bunch of paperwork."
"Hey, lady, you talking to the cat?"
"I told you to shut up." Woman marches him away.
I trot away. It's time for a nap. Then I've got to make a plan to do something about Woman.
When I wake up, Friend is stroking my fur. She leans on one paw. It has been dark for hours when Custodian finally walks in. I stretch out my legs and yawn, then get up, arch my back, and shake. Custodian looks like he should try it. It would do him good after his busy day.
He sits across the bar and puts his head on his front legs.
"Long day with the paper, Gary?" Friend asks. She sets a glass of water in front of him.
"I think I need something stronger than that." He drinks all the water anyway. "You'll never guess what happened today."
"Umm...you stopped an identity thief, then Cat brought Toni to arrest him. And then you ran away again. Didn't you, Timmy?"
Custodian narrowed his eyes again. "Very funny."
I think it's very funny, and enjoy laughing vicariously through Friend.
"Um...you might want to take this with you." Friend holds out a bottle. "Toni's upstairs."
It is definitely time to do something about Woman. But Custodian has earned his rest today.
When morning comes, I wait for Custodian's beeping box, but I don't call. I don't need an invitation. Instead I hop onto the soft bed and walk up to between their heads. I headbutt Woman and rub the top of my head on hers. As she stirs, I let the paper land on her chest.
Woman sits up abruptly. "What the hell?"
"What's wrong?" Custodian sits up as well. His eyes go round and he reaches toward Woman. I butt at his paw then get in the way of his front leg then rub his side where it tickles.
"Hobson? Is this your paper?"
"Yes. Yes. That's my paper. Please give it to me." He reaches again and I sit on his front leg, roll over, and bat, claws out, at his other front paw.
Woman looks at her watch. "The date on this paper is wrong."
Custodian is as still as prey trying not to be noticed.
"Hey...get that cat out of-"
I roll over into her lap, purr, and show my belly. She will certainly understand the gesture of trust.
"Um, Toni?" Custodian's voice is quiet. "Toni, you're not sneezing."
"I must be dreaming."
"I don't think you are. So. Here's the thing. You know how, you know that secret you keep asking about?" He sets her paw on me. "You're holding both parts of it. Of my secret."
"Your secret is a cat. With a newspaper."
"Yes. Tomorrow's newspaper. Let me show you."
She starts stroking me as she listens, and I know my work is done and close my eyes to nap.
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