Unsettled dreams were something Seth Goddard had dealt with ever since the end of the Spung-Andromedan War. Understandable given what he'd witnessed and all he'd been responsible for. He took to heart the loss of crew members, good men and women who would never return home. Each death weighed on him, lives he'd been responsible for, but felt as though he'd failed. His sense of protectiveness and nobility made him feel that he'd failed in his job, his mission, to keep those in his care safe and out of harm's way. As years passed, the nightmares about that war became less frequent, but moments, occasions, would sometimes lead to recurrences of those episodes, causing him to awaken in the dead of night, drenched in sweat, and unable to fall asleep again.
As a captain, Seth had needed to maintain an outward sense of control. Control of the ship, control of the crew, control of his life. When everything spiraled out of control- Reaver, the hearing, his demotion, his reassignment- new nightmares started. His insecurities, the failures, they all kept him awake countless nights, nightmare after nightmare, until he became numb, a bitter shell of his former self. Well, the outcome of the hearing made him bitter, feeling defeated in a whole new way. The nightmares stemming from that episode, knowing Reaver had to be reveling in Goddard's fall from grace, sickened him. The lack of sleep from those visions made it hard to function.
Even years later, on the Christa, the dreams continued. Instead of seeing his former crew members lost though, things had shifted. He now had terrors of his students being slain through all means of weaponry and torture. After nearly losing Catalina, he didn't sleep for almost a week picturing the explosion, the airlock closing right in front of him, and the horror on TJ's face as she realized what he was willing to do in order to go back for Cat, the raw grief on all the faces of his students. The sadness on TJ's face. Anytime they were shot at or targeted, he stayed awake late, another nightmare terrorizing him. Each time, he suffered in silence, worked his way through the pain alone.
Things only got worse after his own near death experience. Although the healing chamber had blessedly kept him dreamless, giving him the best rest he'd gotten in years, once he emerged the nightmares doubled. He pictured the sound of his lower body being crushed, the unbearable pain, hearing himself ordering Radu to leave him, Miss Davenport's hand holding a vicelike grip on his, trying to reassure him through her tears that he would be okay, that he would live, even as he was giving her the order to get the children home… God, TJ…
The most intense, most terrifying, most nerve wracking terrors involved her. Somewhere along their journey, his feelings for her had begun changing. He had always respected her, admired her work ethic and drive. Although they were often at odds regarding their methods of teaching, how they regarded rules and authority, and their general demeanor (she often far too uptight for his liking, he far too lax for hers), they shared some common ground, even at the Starcademy, that was hard to ignore. Their mutual closeness with her father (for very different reasons) was a huge point of similarity for them, as well as the discovery that each of them enjoyed their banter and verbal sparring matches, providing a challenge that each of them desperately craved. She became a welcome (though he never dared admit it then) distraction from his own uncontrolled life, and sometimes they even managed to be on the same side of things, despite their differences. He was discovering that he enjoyed her company- hell, he relied on it- but was afraid that she didn't feel the same way.
Some dreams then, involved ways in which either of them might be ripped away from the other. Numerous nights he dreamt of her captured and tortured by Reaver while he was made to watch helpless. The screams of agony in those nightmares, his inability to get to her, rescue her, as his nemesis fed off that terror had him waking up in a pool of sweat, tremors uncontrollably quaking his body as tears rolled down his face. Sometimes the dreams involved her accidental trip into the Christa's computer system except this time he couldn't save her and she was lost forever. Others still involved her lifeless body after a firefight with the Spung, he begging for her to wake up, even as her soul was long gone. Nights like those left him looking for a long walk to shake off the images, and a cup of coffee to help him stay awake so he wouldn't see them again. Anything to stop the shaking, the tears, and the fear. And he was desperate to keep this all from the crew. Especially TJ.
Most unnerving though were the dreams where there was not any danger, but instead TJ presented as confident, sexy, and come hither. He could practically taste her as their lips met in the dreams, imagining her lean frame wrapped in his arms as he wondered how a beautiful, brilliant woman such as she could want to willingly become involved with a disgraced former starship captain as him. The best nights he dreamt of them making love and being together, leaving him a hot and bothered mess in need of a cold shower in the morning. The worst nightmares were of her rejecting him, enumerating his failures, fully faulting him for their current predicament, and placing all the blame on Seth's shoulders. He didn't fight back because deep down he believed she was right. Those nights he awoke with an ache in his chest, sad, angry, and defeated by years of demons that had never been resolved. He couldn't bring himself to let her see how broken, how damaged he was. She could never love a man like him.
Tonight, after a particularly trying day of escaping from the Spung, getting into a heated argument with TJ while trying to avoid a firefight, and needing to conduct repairs to the shields, Seth had another nightmare, this time TJ being shot clean through beside him by Warlord Shank, whose deep bass voice and maniacal laugh cut straight through him as he caught her. He tried to control the bleeding, but ultimately the first officer died in his arms as he pleaded with her to hold on, before waking to his own screams. It took several moments to reorient himself before realizing he was in his own bed on the Christa and what he'd envisioned wasn't real. Seth's breathing was ragged and erratic, and he shook, pulling the covers tighter around him as he tried to take calming breaths and take back what little control he had. You can handle this, he told himself firmly. After a few minutes, he managed to stop the tremors, but he knew sleep would not come again soon. Rolling out of bed, he pulled on his robe and left his quarters, padding lightly to the galley to get some coffee, then to the lounge for some silent solace.
Once the doors slid open and Seth entered the lounge, coffee in hand, he realized he would not be alone. Sitting in the large round couch in the center of the room, quietly sipping what he assumed was a cup of tea (her preferred beverage), was the subject of his most recent night terror. Miss Davenport looked up as he came into view, her face registering shock and surprise for a short moment before settling back into a blank mask, trying to hide what her reasons for being there were.
"Commander," she greeted flatly, her voice registering some exhaustion.
"Good morning," he said quietly. He tried turning on the charm to lighten the mood. "What's a beautiful woman like you doing in a place like this at 0330?"
He caught TJ's blush as he waited for her response. "Oh, honestly, Commander," she answered by way of brushing him off, but he could tell he'd hit a nerve, even as she allowed the tiniest smile to pull at the corners of her mouth despite not making eye contact. It didn't last long though as her eyes glazed over and the smile dropped away.
She continued to stare into proverbial space, her eyes unfocused and glazed. He sat beside her, the pair enjoying the quiet companionship. They stayed that way for several minutes before TJ spoke up. "What brings you here at this hour, Commander?"
He shrugged noncommittally. "I couldn't sleep," he answered vaguely. "You?"
"Same," she told him. Her voice was distant and devoid of emotion.
More silence followed, growing more awkward with each passing moment. It was stifling to Seth. He had come to the lounge to sit quietly and find solace and a place to think clearly away from his bunk, but with the subject of his latest night terror here, it was impossible. He got up to leave, and started to open his mouth to bid her good night when she spoke again.
"I had a nightmare," she confessed in a voice that barely registered a whisper. He had to strain to hear her. "It woke me up. I don't want to fall back to sleep because I'm afraid I'll wind up having it again. I know it must seem silly to you, the brave, noble STARDOG Seth Goddard, with a first officer who can barely hold her shit together. You are always so calm and rational, you must think me a joke for behaving this way. It was horrid though. And it upset me. I'm sorry." There were no tears or any conveyance of emotion as she said this. It was clear she accepted her statements as fact and rattled them off as such. She seemed almost too calm, like she had rehearsed the speech many times over so that it came out mechanical and cold.
Seth felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. TJ was there for the same reason as him? To try to escape from the terrors haunting her rest? She was embarrassed of her own nightmare and was apologizing? She thought less of herself because she was struggling with them? She'd allowed herself time to grow since the beginning of their voyage and become stronger. It was something she should be immensely proud of. Her confession stung him because it hit too close to home even if she held back the details of what had frightened her.
Goddard sat back down beside her and took her hand in his. "TJ, there is nothing to be ashamed of," he told her sincerely. "You are not a joke. Please, don't ever think you need to minimize your feelings because you think I'm holding it together better."
TJ looked down to where he clasped her hand and gave a small smile. "You are too kind, Commander."
Seth's next reaction came out before he could stop himself. "TJ, my name is Seth. When it's just us, talking as friends, please call me that." It sounded like an order as he said it, and he noted TJ looked a bit surprised by the tone. He quickly added another, "Please," this time in a softer voice, pleading for her to listen. He wasn't sure why it was suddenly so important she call him by his first name.
She considered his request for a moment, turning her head slightly to the side before answering, "All right, Comman- Seth," nodding as she said so. He liked the way his name sounded coming from her. Grasping at a small detail in his words she added, "What do you mean by holding it together better?"
Of course she would notice his phrasing. She never missed anything about him. He hung his head wearily, unsure of even how to answer. How did he tell her that the brave man she saw was a fraud, barely holding his own life together as he tried to handle the crew? The silence fell between them as he struggled to find the words to explain that he shared her struggle. "I'm not the man you think me to be, TJ," he finally managed to whisper. "I share many of the same struggles you have."
He felt her hand come up to gently rest on his cheek, turning his face up to lock eyes with her. Her eyes were conveying- something. Not pity. Understanding maybe? Empathy? Something else he couldn't place yet. All he felt though was a sudden shift between them, some new connection forging that he couldn't yet define but desperately wanted to explore. Without thinking, he held onto the hand she rested on his cheek and nuzzled his head into it, gently kissing her palm. For some reason, this made him feel better.
He caught her face deepening red as she looked away, trying to hide. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked him shyly. He was sure she referred to the demons he alluded to.
He paused. "I don't know," he admitted honestly. "If you had any clue how damaged and broken I am, you would never see me the same way again. An officer is supposed to handle the pain, manage it-"
"Seth, stop," she ordered gently. "I am not some nameless crewmate you must hide from. I am your friend- at least I hope so."
"You are. But you don't deserve to be saddled with my demons."
"Seth-"
"He killed you!" he burst. "You died in my arms and the pain…" he choked back a sob as he let go of her hand and shot up from his seat, turning away so she wouldn't see the tears threatening to fall.
TJ looked properly shocked by his revelation, looking at her hands which felt oddly cold from the loss of contact with him. "Seth, I assure you I'm very much alive," she said softly, carefully and calmly trying to rationalize his outburst.
"My nightmare, TJ," he clarified. "I failed you. I'm supposed to protect you- my crew- and I failed you."
She drew in a sharp breath as the realization dawned on her. He had been suffering crippling nightmares as well and hiding them. Trying to be strong and mask them from the crew. While she had been sitting pitying herself over what he would think her, he had been battling his own, very similar ghosts. She cautiously stood and approached him from behind, putting a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, unable to find any words. Nothing she could think to say sounded right. It was unneeded. He reached up to grip her hand and squeezed, the physical reassurance all he needed to continue. "I've come to rely on you during this trip," he started carefully. "I was so lost at the start of this journey. But each day you help me become more measured, more careful, without which I'd probably be dead already. I've had so many terrible dreams over the years but this one…" he trailed off, not knowing where to go.
"I… died…" she said slowly, processing his earlier anger.
"Warlord Shank shot you. To get to me. Before I could step in front of you or push you out of the way, it was over. You had this stunned look on your face as you collapsed and I caught you-"
"As you always do," TJ interjected meekly, fighting tears that stung at her eyes.
"And I begged you to hold on. That we would take care of you. But it was too late…" Seth trailed off there. "God, TJ, it hurt so bad." His voice was barely a whisper, a frightened confession. "I don't want to lose you."
TJ hadn't realized how affected he was. After an argument during battle earlier when he had snapped at her over worrying about a decision he'd made, she had figured that her presence was merely an annoyance. She'd been hurt. The root of her own terrors was his rejection of her, the belief that he thought her a liability and worthless. His confession seemed to indicate the opposite was true. She broached the subject gently. "So our argument earlier-?"
His eyes widened as he whirled around. "What do you-?"
"My own nightmare dealt with that. You told me I was worthless and weak. That I offer nothing but grief, have difficulty following orders, and bring everyone down. I'm a liability." She couldn't bring herself to look at him, instead becoming overly interested in the patterning of the floor material.
"How long?" he whispered.
"How long what?"
"How long have you been suffering nightmares? Or felt that I only think you some sort of annoyance?" he asked, unsure why it was suddenly important to know. His heart nearly stopped at the thought her suffering was because of his words, spoken carelessly and without thought. He felt sick.
"The nightmares started after we boarded the Christa," she told him softly. "Infrequent at first. After your accident they got worse. I had to hold them to myself because I was alone and after you were better you forged on as though nothing happened. At the point, I couldn't tell you about them because…" she trailed off, unsure how to continue.
"I've been struggling since the war," he revealed. "It comes in waves. In the beginning it was losing crewmates in the war. That pain hasn't ever left. Then, when we almost lost Cat-"
"I didn't sleep for days," TJ confessed softly. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to control the shaking those memories brought on.
"Neither did I," he agreed, stepping closer to her. "Then Reaver showed up and… everything started morphing from there. I tried protecting you from him-"
"Seth, you did. Don't think I didn't notice you step in front of me-"
"He's bad news! You don't know him like I do! Reaver wasn't joking about selling the students as slaves to the Spung but you- he would have used you to get to me. I have to keep you from him. Just like I have to protect you from every other thing this ship has thrown at us-"
"Like the Spung shrinking me to pocket sized and you being willing to have me thrown into the jungle?" she protested hotly. She didn't know why that moment had suddenly sprung to her memory, but once she said it, she couldn't take it back. Nor did she want to. That moment had stung and she'd never told him how much until right now.
"That's not fair," he argued back. "You asked-"
"You were foolish enough to go along. That hurt Seth. For days afterwards I thought you really didn't care what happened to me. That I was some sort of expendable appendage to this journey. And now you tell me you'd be lost without me? And that I'm brave? Then you wonder why I'm so confused as to whether or not you even care?" She was only getting started and began walking towards him, wildly gesticulating until she reached him and began unleashing her fury, landing blow after blow to wherever she could reach- his chest, his arms, his face- all while yelling at him about "sending mixed signals," and "treating her as a second class crew member," and "hating the way he made her feel."
He stood firm and allowed her the anger, letting her punch, slap, and scream her way through the fury, taking every blow, each cutting remark and absorbing it, understanding she needed that release. His head dropped, trying to hide the tears he fought back as she continued her barrage, hands frozen at his side, barely registering that tears were freely falling down her own cheeks. All he could choke out was a whispered, "I'm sorry," but he doubted she heard him over the words she lobbed towards him, all hitting their mark and tearing him down a little at a time.
"Fight back, Commander," she dared him as she continued. "You challenge everything else I say or do. Why not now?"
"I'm not going to hit you, Teej."
"So you're going to roll over and let me have this? No defending yourself, no snarky remarks-"
"What do you want me to say?" he spat out, having had enough of the taunting. His crystal blue eyes had darkened to an angry cobalt as he started shouting back. "I fucked up, TJ, I'm well aware. My career is basically over as soon as we get home, and whatever little I have now is so complicated- one minute I think you and I are solid and we're getting along, and the next I say something so unbelievably stupid that ends up hurting you and reminds me you would never consider loving me the way I love you-" he broke off then, eyes widening as he was stunned into silence. He had gone too far, revealed too much of his hand. The only consolation was she had been equally silenced, her jaw slack and eyes wide. Streaks from her previously shed tears were visible on her face and it took all Seth's willpower not to brush them away. They stared at one another for a few moments, breathing heavily, TJ frozen from having lost the momentum to continue the fight and Seth frightened that he'd blown what little chance he had had.
When she had finally regained her ability to form words, all she managed was, "What did you say?"
"I fucked up?"
"After that."
He deflected. "My career is basically over-"
"After that too."
Taking a breath and deciding to be honest (because space hates liars), he said, "one minute I think you and I are good and the next I say something so unbelievably stupid that ends up hurting you and reminds me-"
"You would never consider loving me the way I love you," she finished with a whisper. Fresh tears fell from her eyes as she echoed his words, but inflected them with a level of emotion and adoration he wasn't expecting. "Oh, Seth."
Before his brain could even begin to process how many ways her tone could be interpreted, she closed what little distance there was between them, and kissed him soundly, erasing the doubt that had crept on him as a result of his confession. Without hesitation, he responded, pulling her against him tightly and running his hands along her sides and down her back. Kissing her was better than he had imagined- his dreams hadn't done it justice.
When they finally pulled away slightly, with their foreheads still touching, TJ giggled slightly. "We are a piece of work, aren't we?"
"Works in progress," he conceded.
"And what sorts of progress should we work on?" she asked cheekily. A sly grin spread across her face and reached her eyes, a sort of mischief he wasn't accustomed to seeing from her.
"Whatever you are willing," he told her honestly before she kissed him again.
"What if I'm willing to tell you all my demons?" she whispered once she drew away.
He knew where her terrors drew and was immediately mortified. They were caused by a few sharp words, said without thought earlier in the day that hurt a person he had come to care so much for. He needed to fix it. "TJ, I am a colossal idiot," he began, stepping back slightly to give them both a bit of space.
"Maybe not a colossal one," she teased lightly.
"It's okay. I am," he nodded. "I have a lot to learn about… everything. But especially in how to handle our crew. This… family, I guess. Starting with you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I don't deserve someone like you."
She caught his eyes then, riveted by the connection of crystal blue ones with her hazel, and felt drawn to him. Stepping closer, before he had a chance to retreat again, she rested her hands on his chest, feeling his heart racing beneath her touch. "Apology accepted," she whispered. "I am sorry too."
"For what?"
"Not realizing sooner the demons you battle. And that some were even caused by me. As the only other ranking officer on this ship-"
"You can't pull rank on me, Teej. Demotion or not, I still outrank you."
"I want you to be able to talk to me," she continued, ignoring him. "You are a brave man Seth Goddard-"
"Brave men aren't supposed to show weakness."
"Quite the contrary. Everyone has a weakness. The brave men are those who can face them and be unafraid to acknowledge those weaknesses to overcome them."
"By that logic, you are the bravest person I've ever met," Seth told her sincerely.
She blushed furiously. "Hardly."
"You are. You've always been brilliant and beautiful, but our trip has also helped you learn your own strengths. I've watched you grow into a strong, capable, bold, and brave woman. And it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. I'm proud to call you my first officer and…" He paused, realizing that he wasn't sure how to define them now.
TJ stepped closer to him, sliding her arms around his neck, and looked straight into his eyes. She would address his feelings later once she had time to consider his words and process what had just happened between them. Something else caught her attention. "E.E. Cummings? I didn't realize you read poetry, Seth," she whispered, recognizing his quote about courage. Was there awe in her voice? He liked that tone from her.
"I'm well read," he said lamely.
"You're full of surprises," she decided.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Very good thing. Although in this case I may have quoted Eleanor Roosevelt- "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
He smiled and put his arms around her drawing her into a tight hug. "Thank you, TJ. She was a wise woman, that Eleanor Roosevelt. As are you," he whispered in her ear.
"Perhaps. I do believe she would not have wanted you to face those things alone though." She pulled away from him slightly to look him in the eyes again. "I want to be able to talk with you more often about matters outside curriculum or tactics. Even when the subject matter is upsetting, like our fears and nightmares."
"I've never-"
"Each of us has demons Seth. I've been battling mine alone far too long. And I know you've been doing the same for even longer."
As usual, she accurately read him. Damn, she's good, he thought. And he'd been crap at realizing how desperate she was for help, even after all those weeks alone while he was in the healing chamber. He had emerged to find a stronger woman who'd been holding things together better, taken care of the children, and protected everyone in his absence. And how had he thanked her- he hadn't. "You never should have had to face them alone," he told her, hanging his head slightly as he reluctantly let go of TJ and took a few steps back. "A captain- commander- is supposed to recognize the needs of the crew. I failed in that. I'm sorry."
"Why do you keep saying that you've failed?" she queried. "Are we not all alive? You have lead us more than capably and I-"
"Was hurting and I didn't see it!"
"I did the same to you," she shot back, now getting angry. "By your own reasoning, I've failed you as well. And we're going in circles."
"It's not the same-"
"And this is not a competition. You may outrank me, but when it comes to affairs on this ship, we have to work together. I need you to tell me when something is wrong. I want to help you," she pleaded with him.
"Even at the risk of realizing I'm not as brave or heroic as you believe me to me?"
"I think Eleanor already clearly conveyed her feelings on speaking those fears."
Seth half laughed at that. "And what does TJ say?"
"TJ says we have a lot to learn from each other." She paused as she considered what to say next. "I'm often guilty of hiding my feelings. I've had my heart broken before and never want to feel that way again. So I closed myself off, focused on my career, and pretended I didn't need help. Even here on the Christa I've largely closed myself off. Now with no job, no home to go back to- perhaps I need to let go as it were."
Hope sprang from within him as he drew her close again. "Does this mean you might be willing to take a chance on something else?"
TJ cocked her head to the side as she locked eyes with him. My, he's handsome, she thought. Her heart skipped a beat. "What sort of chance?"
Weighing his words carefully he said, "Trusting me. Trusting us. We share with each other when something bothers either of us. Be a sounding board for the other if you will. Maybe even see where… what just happened between us goes."
"I think I might like that," she told him, pressing herself closer. She squeezed him around his shoulders and heard him wince in pain. "Commander, are you alright?" she asked worriedly, dropping her hands.
He grinned sheepishly at her. "You pack quite a punch, TJ," he teased. "Remind me to never get you that angry again. You're a force to be reckoned with."
She flushed a deep shade of red in embarrassment. "I wasn't thinking Seth. Not my most dignified moment. I'm sorry. Shall we get you an ice pack from the Medlab?"
He chuckled. "No on the ice pack. And no apologies needed either. But promise me something- next time, talk to me before you let something eat at you like this did. We're a team, Teej. And I'd like to be more but I won't push you. This has to be your choice and I'll respect whatever you decide."
"What if I've already decided?" she asked immediately, suddenly feeling quite confident.
"Oh?"
"We have a lot of baggage between the pair of us- a cargo holds worth if I had to venture a guess- but there is no one I would rather work through our demons with than you." She looked up at him through her long lashes and smiled genuinely.
His grin was wide as he pulled her close to him and kissed her soundly, pleased that she responded eagerly. Whatever pain he felt was momentarily forgotten as he held her. Once they pulled away, he felt her hand gently pull him back to the couch. "Teej?"
"I'm not ready to go back to bed yet," she revealed. "Do you think we could just sit her for a little bit? Maybe talk some?"
He nodded, settling in with her as he placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. Neither knew when they finally fell asleep, curled in each other's arms, but for the first time in a long time, they rested peacefully.
"Harlan, it's not like them to miss breakfast," Rosie explained the following morning. "They aren't in their quarters, or in the Command Post or in the classroom."
"They have to be somewhere. Neither of them are the type to- oh." Harlan had just entered the lounge and caught sight of the last thing he expected to see.
"Oh what- oh." Rosie's face deepened to an even darker shade of red than it normally contained.
In the center of the room, dead asleep and cuddled against each other were Miss Davenport and Commander Goddard, snoring lightly in time with one another. His head rested atop hers, while hers was snuggled into his shoulder.
"We should probably leave them alone," Rosie said quickly.
"Yeah," Harlan said slowly, as a grin spread across his features.
"Harlan?"
"I need to check the pool- I think today was my day!"
Rosie's eyes registered shock as she watched the Earther boy gleefully run from the room and out of sight. She hesitated to run after him right away, instead taking a blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch and gently wrapping it around her adult charges, praying it wouldn't wake them, before quietly exiting. There was likely a good story to what led the pair to be asleep in the lounge but for now, she would allow them their rest.