"Please don't be offended because I thought she was your sister," his therapist Cami snarked with a smirk, pencil suggestively twirling in her hand. "You look like you could be related."

Hiccup laughed humorlessly. "Don't worry, I get that all the time."

Cami chewed on her lip, glasses in check underneath her light-brown curly hair. She uncrossed her legs, making the short skirt ride up.

"Why did you marry her?"

He sighed, mood dampening a bit. "It made sense at the time."

Marrying Heather had made sense once upon a time. They were very similar, or so he had thought, and she had seemed very sweet in the beginning. Little did he know behind that sweetness lurked a manipulative and unstable woman drowning in her own misery and dragging everyone around her down with her. He had tried to help her in the best way he could. Been there all the way through her never-ending family drama and overlooked her constant coldness toward his friends. Even sacrificed his own dreams in life just to appease her.

But in the end where did this all bring him? He was trapped in a loveless marriage. He knew she didn't love him, just like he knew he never had loved her.

He had been lonely, and she had seemed nice.

That was it.

That was their whole marriage.

Hiccup had wanted out for years now, but every time he brought up the subject, she would have something new to cry over. He didn't want to seem heartless so he stuck around, comforted her and then drank himself to sleep.

"I'm tired," he rubbed his face, eyes red for lack of sleep. "Every fucking person in the world has problems. Heck, my own relationship with my parents is far from perfect!"

Cami gave him a nod, encouraging him on.

"She just drowns in self-pity. It's almost like she needs to be miserable all the time. I'm tired of this shit. I want out."

"Well, Heather has a rough past, Hiccup."

"I know! I hear about it every fucking day. I lost my fucking leg! And guess what? I got fucking over it."

"People are different."

Hiccup sighed. "I know. But this has been going on for five years now. It's not my job to fix her, she has to fix herself. I have wasted so much time.."

"So you don't feel there is anything left fighting for?"

He shook his head. "Our relationship is.. empty. I thought I had things in common with her, but we turned out to be very different people. She is just not for me."

"Have you told her that?"

"Yes," he sighed again.

"And?"

"It changed nothing. She told me to suck it up and fight for our marriage. What marriage?"

Cami made some notes in her book. "You should file for a divorce then."

"I have tried!" Hiccup exclaimed. "Every time I bring it up, something bad happens to her, and she makes me feel guilty."

Hiccup was pulling on his hair when Cami laid her hands on his shoulders. He looked up slightly startled and surprised at her close proximity.

"How often are you intimate?"

Hiccup shook his head. "Not often. I just don't feel attracted to her anymore. It's like being married to my sister."

Cami dropped to her knees before him, her hands sliding up thighs. He remained seated in front of her as she began to unbuckle his belt.

"This was fun," Cami muttered. "Pretending to be your therapist." Her hand slid inside his pants to cup his hardness.

"I'm glad my marital problems turn you on," he muttered, licking his lips as he felt her stroke his length softly.

Cami smirked wickedly, freeing him from his boxers. "But don't you feel so much better now that you have got it off your chest."

"I do," he admitted, letting out a small groan as he felt her engulf him in her mouth.

Cami's hair spilled over his lap as she bobbed her head, sucking on him slowly.

xoxo

Hiccup arrived home late, fiddling with his keys as he tried to open the door to his apartment.

The door seemed to be jammed.

Shit.

Suddenly, he heard his neighbor's door open. A beautiful, petite but leggy, blonde girl dressed in a skimpy nightdress stepped outside.

Her blue eyes scanned the hallway with a frown.

Hiccup still attempted to open the door to his own home, but felt himself get distracted by the beauty behind him. He wondered why he had never seen her before.

"Have you seen a grey cat around here?"

Was she speaking to him?

He quickly turned around to address her question, giving her a good look over at the same time. Perky breasts and a tight butt. "Afraid not," he replied cheerily while continuously pulling on the door knob. He probably looked like an idiot.

She sighed, but suddenly a 'meow' echoed through the room, and said cat jumped forward from its hiding place. The girl bent down to revertive it, giving Hiccup a good view of her silky, white panties. "Stormfly, you bad girl," she purred at the cat. Hiccup smiled, opening his mouth to say something when another voice interrupted him.

"Who are you talking to, Astrid?" A shirtless guy with dark hair and handsome features stepped out in the hallway only to wrap his muscular arms around the small blonde, pulling her back inside and throwing Hiccup a glare before he shut the door.

Astrid. Her name was Astrid.

Hiccup finally managed to open his own door. "Fucking, finally!" he shouted, slamming it close behind him with a kick.

The house appeared to be empty, except for the sniffling in the dark living room.

"Heather?" Hiccup asked with a sigh.

She didn't answer right away. Suddenly he felt a knife stab on the wall behind him.

"What the fuck!" he exclaimed in anger. "Are you fucking insane?"

Heather stepped forward, her face glowing with anger. "I may be insane, but you are a fucking asshole!" she screamed.

Hiccup sighed, biting his tongue. "Okay, what is this about?"

Heather lifted her hand up as if to slap him but then let it fall limp on her side.

"I can't believe you would do this to me!"

Oh shit. She knows.

A part of him relished. Maybe she would kick him out and he could finally move on then. Well, he had already moved on. But more like, officially move on. Without any obligations lingering behind. He was tired of obligations.

"My brother waited for you at the airport for hours! How could you forget something like this? What was so important that you couldn't put some time aside to go and pick him up! Now he refuses to see me."

Oh.

Hiccup shrugged, not caring about how he was coming across. "He is your brother, not mine."

This time Heather really slapped him. "He is your brother-in-law!"

Hiccup lifted up a hand to his stinging cheek.

Heather huffed at his lack of response, turning on her heels, she grabbed her bag and keys from the counter.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Hiccup growled.

Heather let out a humorless laugh. "I can't stay here when you are being an insensitive jerk."

Hiccup sighed. "Heather be sensible, it's dark outside! It's not safe for you to go out at this hour."

"I don't care! And don't try to stop me, I will chop your hand off."

Heather ended up barging out, but forgot her phone behind in the process.

Hiccup almost jumped when it beeped, the screen glowing with a new message.

He unlocked it to read the newly received text.

Apparently he wasn't the only sinner here.

So much for all that guilt.

xoxo

Cami moved over him, burying his length inside her over and over again. Hiccup groaned, throwing his head back.

"That's right," Cami moaned. "Come for me, baby."

Hiccup gripped her legs firmly when he started to feel his climax approach.

xoxo

Hiccup left Cami's house late at night after a hot session of shower sex, his damp hair as evidence of the encounter. When he arrived home, Heather had already gone to sleep. Her brother was also staying in their house, currently occupying the couch, and pretty much forcing Hiccup to sleep on the cold floor. He shivered and twisted uncomfortably the whole night. He should have stayed at Cami's.

The next morning, he had made plans to meet up with some college friends for lunch. When he arrived his destination, what he hadn't expected, was a sultry red-head blocking his way into the cafe.

Snotlout's little sister, Adelaide.

Barely legal Adelaide who had always had a crush on him, but she had simply been too young for him to take interest in.

She had just turned 18 this month.

And she seemed to have grown in all the right places.

"Can I pass?" he asked with a respectful smile. Adelaide simply gave him a sultry look. "That depends."

Hiccup sighed. "On what?"

Adelaide bit her lip innocently

xoxo

Snotlout's laugh barked up in the room, as he spoke of his funny experience at work. All the while, Hiccup couldn't take his eyes off Adelaide looking perfectly innocent as she sat next to her brother.

"Fuck me!" Adelaide moaned, making him push her harder against the wall as he picked up his pace.

"So Hiccup, how is it going with Heather? I heard her brother was back in town."

His hard cock slipped in and out of her warm core, her warm wetness soaking him to the hilt. "Hiccup!"

"Hiccup?" Snotlout waved a hand over his face. Hiccup suddenly snapped out of his reveries, accidentally catching Adelaide's gaze.

"Eh, nothing," he shook his head, clearing his throat. "I was just thinking.." he trailed off, mind wandering back to what had happened with Adelaide just moments ago.

"He seems a little distracted," Adelaide commented, sipping on her drink. Hiccup shot her a questionable look when her foot suddenly found his leg underneath the table.

"Hiccup is always distracted," Snotlout complained, chewing on his chicken wings soundly. "It's like talking to a brick wall."

Snotlout's phone suddenly rang, and he excused himself. Seeing Tuffnut and Ruffnut otherwise occupied, Hiccup turned to Adelaide.

"What are you doing?" He mouthed at her. She simply took his hand from underneath the table and pressed it against her core.

"I have to head back to campus in a couple of days, but in the meanwhile.." Her leg slide over his suggestively.

Snotlout reappeared, laughing at whoever or whatever. Hiccup wasn't listening. He was too pre-occupied with images of Snotlout's sweet little sister's pussy dripping with his cum.

She had been so tight, and he felt himself getting hard at the thought of having her again.

"Excuse me," Hiccup stood up from the table, his heart thundering. "I should head home."

He didn't hear Adelaide following after him until he seated himself in his car and turned to find her in the passenger seat next to him.

"Adelaide," he nearly moaned at the sight of her. "Just drive" she told him, unbuckling his belt before lowering her face down to take him into her mouth.

xoxo

Hiccup had come twice once he arrived home. That was three orgasms in one day, and yet he was still hard. What was happening to him? Adelaide let go of his length with a plop, sitting upright again and fixing her hair.

"You are almost insatiable," she chuckled, her small breasts pushed upwards underneath her tight top.

Hiccup looked straight into her eyes when he uttered his next words. "I want to eat you out."

And so he did. In the back of the car.

Followed by her riding him into oblivion.

Afterwards, he dropped her at her brother's place, but not before exchanging numbers.

He felt like a dirty old man.

xoxo

Walking up the stairs to his apartment he nearly crashed into someone.

It was the shirtless guy from last week.

"Sorry," they both said in unison and then let out an awkward laugh.

The taller guy held out his hand. "I'm Eret," he said in what sounded like an English accent. "I don't think we have been introduced yet."

Hiccup shook his hand, "Hiccup."

"So when did you guys move in? I have never seen you and Ast- er, your girlfriend around here before."

"Fiancée," Eret corrected him. "We have been living here for three weeks now."

"Ah. Makes sense." Hiccup nodded. "Well see you around Eret." He continued upwards.

When he entered inside his home, the room was yet again dark.

"Oh for fuck's sake, turn the lights on." He flicked them on and suddenly wished he hadn't. The living-room was a complete mess.

Suddenly, Heather's brother walked out of the kitchen in nothing but a shirt barely covering his butt while drinking from a milk carton.

"Heather!" Hiccup yelled.

"Yes, asshole?" she called from the kitchen.

"Tell your brother to put some pants on."

xoxo

Hiccup stared at the message he had just typed, double-checking it was for Cami and not Adelaide before pushing 'send'.

He lifted his head up when a cat suddenly approached him.

Stormfly. Well, that meant..

Hiccup trailed his eyes up long silky legs until he was met by a tight leather skirt and a black bikini top.

"Astrid!" He stood up from his place on the floor. "Hey Astrid, hi Astrid. Hi Astrid."

She frowned at him, looking slightly amused. "Are you locked out of your house?"

Before he could answer Stormfly tugged on his pants, making Astrid laugh which made his own heart flutter with an unusual feeling.

"She really likes you, that's strange. She doesn't even react to Eret this way."

"Well I used to be a cat-owner myself," he replied in a sad tone. His beautiful Toothless was gone, and had taken Hiccup's sanity and heart with him to the grave.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you sad," Astrid quickly apologized. He nodded, trying to avert his eyes from her chest.

"Hey, listen.. since you are apparently locked out of your apartment again.."

His phone suddenly beeped, distracting him from what Astrid was saying.

"..Or not?" she backtracked when he didn't respond right away, and started to step away from him.

"No, wait. I'm sorry," he rushed after her, putting his phone away. "I would love to."

Astrid blinked at him. "Love to what?"

Great, he just blew it, didn't he?

She laughed awkwardly. "All I was saying was.. you could wait indoors while we call someone to help you, but maybe that's not such a good idea after all," she mused, biting her lip. "My fiancé would probably not be too pleased to hear I have invited a strange man inside."

Hiccup opened his mouth to speak but found himself unable to refute her latter reasoning.

"Come on, Stormfly," she directed the cat back indoors.

Damn that son of an Eret, Hiccup cursed inwardly.

xoxo

Hiccup sucked on Cami's clit, making her toss her head against the pillows. "Hmm, yes!" she moaned loudly.

He inserted two fingers inside her, moving them at a fast pace. Cami rolled her hips, fucking his fingers. "I need you inside me now," she panted. "Please."

Hiccup lifted himself up to unbuckle his belt.

He plunged inside her in a fast move, smacking his skin hard against hers as he penetrated her.

After a good sturdy amount of time he felt her clench around him in ecstasy. He quickly pulled out his cock to spurt his load into her mouth. Cami swallowed it all greedily, licking him clean and making him hard again.

After their second session they laid side by side, sweaty and tired.

"I love you."

Hiccup froze, eyeing Cami warily. "Cami..?"

"I love you," she repeated again with a smile. "I want to be with you, I'm tired of sneaking around." She hugged him close.

Hiccup's phone suddenly beeped.

It was Adelaide.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He reached forward to grab it but Cami beat him to it.

"What is this?" she frowned incredulously at the screen. "Who is this?!" she suddenly pulled away from him, demanding an answer.

Hiccup sighed. "Look Cami, it's not what you think.."

Cami wouldn't have it.

"I can't believe this! I thought we had something going on, Hiccup," she exclaimed, her outburst surprising Hiccup. Had he led her on?

Hiccup didn't answer at first, pausing, he tried to give her the most apologetic look he could muster.

"Why would you need to be with someone else?" Cami growled. "Wasn't I enough?"

"I didn't mean for it to happen," he muttered. It was true. It had just happened. He never expected Adelaide to reappear in his life. He never expected her to be so.. grown up.

"Like hell you didn't. Heather was right, you are an asshole," she shouted, starting to look more and more heartbroken by the moment, making Hiccup feel guilty.

"You don't love Heather but you never loved me either," she sniffed. "Who do you love?"

"Cami.." Hiccup shook his head but couldn't bring himself to correct her. She was right. He didn't love her.

Call him heartless, but he had only ever loved his cat Toothless.

And with Toothless gone there was no room for anyone again. At least not anyone he could think of at the moment.

So that is what he told Cami.

And she slapped him and told him to get the fuck out of her sight.

xoxo

"Addie," Hiccup groaned, hands curling around her auburn locks. "I only came to say goodbye."

Adelaide continued to suck him, only standing up after he finished spurting into her throat. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You are leaving?" she pouted, taking his hands in hers.

"No, but you are. I guess, I came here to.. say thank you." Yeah that didn't come out right at all.

"Thank me for what exactly, Hiccup?" Adelaide laughed at him, grabbing his cock and starting to stroke it into hardness again.

"For you know.." he gestured between them. Adelaide giggled again, squeezing him. "Well, I guess I should thank you for fulfilling my old-man-fantasy."

Hiccup frowned. "Hey, I'm not that old."

"You are at least a decade older than me Hiccup," she told him cheerily. "That is old in my book."

Hiccup didn't have a reply to that and merely shrugged.

"C'mon old man, show me what you got one last time before I leave."

xoxo

In less than two weeks, Hiccup had lost both of his mistresses. But the last thing he expected was what waited for him at home the very next morning after Adelaide said goodbye for good.

"I want a divorce."

Heather threw the papers at his face, scraping his skin in the process and making him cringe. She then proceeded to kick him out their flat, throwing a suitcase with his clothes out the balcony.

Once their divorce got settled, many a months later, Hiccup managed to reclaim the old apartment. But it didn't lower Heather's spirits, she smirked at him satisfied with the outcome.

"I thought you would be happier. You finally got what you wanted, Hiccup," she told as they slowly walked with their lawyers towards the exit of the building.

Hiccup snorted. "I couldn't be happier to finally be rid of you. Make no mistake." He folded his arms across himself trying to look intimidating.

Heather let out a obscure laugh, making him cringe. "Is that why you are looking especially gloomy today? Oh wait! Is it because your dirty whore didn't stick around and now you are all alone and wailing in self-pity?" she spat out the last word. A word she had been on the receiving end of for years. It tasted like poison.

Hiccup looked surprised. "How did you..?"

"Oh, I always knew, you asshole!" Heather retorted in disgust. "And I waited until you reached rock-bottom before I would dump your sorry ass!"

Hiccup laughed. "How thoughtful of you! Thank you, I really appreciate it."

"Still an asshole I see. But now you know what karma tastes like!" She flipped her hair, flipping him off in the process.

Hiccup resisted the urge to roll his eyes just then.

"Like you are the one to act holier than thou, I know you were cheating on me too. And whoever he is, I feel sorry for him."

"She."

"What?"

"It's a she."

Hiccup raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you..?"

"I'm gay, Hiccup. I always was," Heather told him proudly.

Hiccup clenched his fists in anger. "Then why the fuck did you agree to marry me?"

"I thought you would be different, but you turned out to be the biggest douchebag on the planet. Such a shame." She started to take off to the exist but not before telling him over her shoulder. "Enjoy drowning in self-pity and dragging everyone down along with you fucktard!"

Heather's brother gave Hiccup a nasty look before taking follow behind his sister.

So this was it.

He was all alone again. In a way, he deserved it. He was a cheating asshole.

But now he was finding it difficult to get any woman at all interested in him. Heather had spread some really disturbing rumors about him which turned most away.

Apparently what goes around, really comes around.

Maybe he should turn gay too.

AN: This story is a parody, okay! Hiccup is not a sexual deviant. Hiccup in this story was very OOC on purpose. The whole thing is just a bad parody of Hiccup being a shitty human being. That's all. It's not a PWP. More like a parody without a cohesive plot.