There is a massive year recap note at the end!

Disclaimer: Eww isn't mine. This is an OOC story based on my life. All names are fake.

I swore to myself I would never do this, ever.

Ha ha. Yep. So much for that.

I miss you. There, I said it. It hurts and it sucks and I hate it and I hate you and I hate myself, but that's the way it is. I miss you like I have never in a quadrillion years thought I could, and it sucks. I mean it sucks.

The year is nearly over. I'm shocked. Where did the time go? It feels like just a few weeks ago, I was fantasizing about you coming to tell me goodbye at the party I threw for you, me, Andi, and a few other people. Just a few weeks ago, it feels like I was falling in love with you and scared to say it.

You were my forever. I fell hardcore for you, and I blame all my cheesy romance novels and movies. You were wild, and crazy, and even when you told me about that night you snuck out and did something you shouldn't have, I couldn't help but have feelings for you. You were bad for me and I knew it, but I listened to my heart instead of my head.

You know what happened? My heart broke. Thanks to you.

I'm not anywhere near innocent in all this, so I won't pretend to be. Sure, I was probably wrong to go out with Daniel knowing I still had feelings for you. Yes, I got mad at you for stupid crap sometimes, mainly out of jealousy toward Maddie, your ex. Then, I was jealous of Kira, the girl you decided to tell me you liked but wouldn't pursue, because you didn't want a girlfriend this year.

I loved you, and I was dumb, deaf, and blind. You played my heart like a fiddle, even though you thought it was a harp. Don't get the analogy? It means you probably weren't trying to hurt me, or play me, but you did. I always liked you more. That was just the way of things.

I spent an hour last night trying to retrieve your number. I know that's pathetic, but I was sobbing and I wanted it, even though I knew I couldn't use it. It was 12:30 where you were.

But I found comfort in knowing I had it. That if heaven forbid, David did something, that made me happy or sad, I could call you.

I still use the phrase you did when I'm sad or anxious. The "monkeys have nipples and they eat pickles" line that cracked me up. When I took my test to make it onto the extracurricular UIL team for history, I kept hearing your voice calming me down. I could almost feel your arms around me.

There's a new guy in my life, now. Just a friend, actually, hardly that. He has a girlfriend, so that means my luck sucks. But he is so nice to me. He teases me, with these other guys, but he is so sweet. I mean, he pisses me off, some days, but I'm human and I get pissed off pretty easily. I let go easier, though, so most times I'm only mad for a second.

You would love it, here. They are so nice! Well, the popular girls (excluding Lucy) hate me, because they can't tell a bitch from a sarcastic girl with no filter, but I find it funny. I try to be nice around them, because I want more friends, but I'm not fond of a few of them. Well, it doesn't matter. I don't understand the purpose of a strict list of where you can and can't shop, anyway. And what's with the converse obsession?

My teachers love me! And, for once in my life, I have to try in math class! Yes, try! I know, it blew my mind, too. Don't know how or why it happened, but it did.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe, just maybe, you lied last time I talked to you. Did you miss me? Do you now?

I know you'll probably never see this. You don't check your email, anymore. But I had to know the truth. And, you deserved to know I don't hate you. I never did. That night, I was happy that you didn't miss me. That morning, I woke up to wet pillows and raw cheeks. Sometimes your initial reaction says absolutely nothing.

I hope you're happy. I hope some girl, maybe Kira, is in your life the way I was. That girl should be making you want to be better. Trying to take care of you. Giving you goosebumps in the halls. Just the way I did. I may never find another guy to be to me what you were, but you'll find another girl to be what I was. A friend. Some girl you told your mom you thought was hot.

I made a character, based on you, because I was pissed. Actually, Ali thought him up. I even have a story plot, as well. But, I haven't written it, or posted it, yet. I don't think it is because of my conscience, because I would gladly do it for someone else. I think you just somehow, much as I hate it, managed to weasel your way into my heart too far for me to dig you out in three months.

Part of me wants to sit here and damn you all to hell. I want to scream over the computer and yell and cry. But, I won't, Jax. Because you aren't as bad as my grief tries to make you out to be. You were cruel and vile to me at times, yes. But you never wanted me hurt.

Do you remember that time we were on the phone for an hour, and you were scared to death I'd think you were a pervert for having a book full of classical paintings because naked people were in them? I wanted to laugh at your ridiculous fear. Remember how excited I was to know you had an interest in something like that? You were always the kid that was rough around the edges, and seemed to only care about video games and boasting about all the girls you weren't screwing. Yeah, I'm still pissed about that "joke". I wonder, sometimes, if I'm the butt of a new one, now that I'm not there to beat your ass for it. You never have liked rejection, or losing what you wanted.

Was I ever even what you wanted?

But, my point is, you had a soul in my eyes and that day you confirmed in another way that I was right. I knew I was, but that was so reassuring and it made me so happy. We talked about a lot that day, you know. That was the same day we admitted we liked each other since, well. The zoo for you and right after my first break up, for me.

The are times when I would kill to have one last day. One more hug, one more laugh, one more talk. And maybe, just so I know what it would've been like, one kiss. Just so I can put my fantasies and curiosity to rest.

I think I may be insane. You tore me to hell, meaning to or not, and I still want more of you. I think I'm a masochist. Or, maybe a psycho. I mean, who wants more of their ex, friend... love.. person.. thingy. And David wonders why your nickname is Mr Complicated.

We were never lovers. People who liked each other, yeah. But we weren't friends, either. Friends don't talk to each other like we did. Friends don't tell their parents they think the other is hot. Friends don't get butterflies on the phone and feel like they will squeal until they break their windpipe, lungs, diaphragm, and eardrums when a talk ends because they just found out the other also felt that spark when you gave me that necklace.

I don't know what we were. Some weird hybrid. All I know is that when you told me you didn't want to be more, I was crushed. Called Ali and sobbed for a good twenty minutes. Thank God for best friends, right?

Part of me is begging myself to let you go. You don't even serve a purpose in my life, anymore. Best friend? Ali and Lucy have that covered. Crush? David happened to be better to me on the rare occasion that we talk without his friends than you were most days. Well, that's a lie. And as for someone to keep my anxiety attacks at bay? Lucy took me from class 4 (repeated phrases, shaking, heavy panting, confusion) to barely anxious at all the other day.

You have officially been replaced. And I hate it. Because there are still times when I'm having an attack and really, desperately wish you were there to hold me and calm me down. There are still days when I want a guy's perspective of the things I tell my girl friends about. Above all else, there will always, always, be times that I just want you there to hold me.

That's because as much as I tell myself David is better than you'll ever be, I knew (unless it was all a lie) how you felt about me, toward the end. You liked me. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do to be into someone that likes me back (without being creepy and saying they love me wayyy too soon) and have a happy relationship. Even just our "Friends but I Like You" thing would be enough at this point. I feel so alone. Writing only helps to hide so much.

I want you to know I still love you. There, I said it, Jax. You spun me around, knocked me off my feet, stole my heart and I may never have it back. Maybe my little thing for Davis isn't enough because I can't give him my heart. I guess I'm grateful for that, because it is definitely a safeguard to keep me from being hurt by someone else. But I wish I didn't still have to love you. I wish I didn't have to know deep in the pit of my stomach and at the bottom of my heart that you always will have a piece of me. I will always love you. And I'm not sorry for it, anymore.

Part of grief is acceptance. I guess I am finally there, then. You aren't ever going to come back into my life. And, for the first time ever, I think I'm okay with that. Let the world hear it. I will always love you. But I am no longer in love with you. And my life is actually pretty damn good without you in it.

I miss you. But I don't want you. And that makes me so happy.

Perhaps this was more than just my closure. It was a wake up call. I wish you love, and luck, and the best life in the world. But you will have to find all that without me, I suppose.

Thank you for the best seven months of my life. You messed me up, and you taught me so, so much. I know to watch my heart, now. And I know that just because a charming "bad" boy gives you his best smile, it doesn't mean everyone is wrong about him. They were about you, yeah. You have a soul, and a bright one. But you also have some serious growing up to do, no matter how much older than me you are.

I guess this is it. I never actually thought I'd be this content. Maybe goodbyes aren't as hard for everyone as they were for Audrey Parker. Perhaps, some day, after you do that growing up thing, you can secretly call me without your mom's permission because you wanted to hear my voice. Maybe you can have another shot.

Or, maybe you won't ever want it. Maybe I won't.

Either way, this is our last goodbye. My year of loving you is long over. It's time for me to move past everything and grow up, myself.

Goodbye, Jax. Oh, and by the way, happy early birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

"Yeah, I got issues, but you got 'em too, so give 'em all to me and I'll give mine to you."

What? I can't leave one last quote from our song? :)

Really, though. Bye for real.

Always Gonna See Your Light,

"Em"

You ready for the recap? Okay.

Firstly, I want to thank every reader out there for staying with me, all 365 days this year! I also want to thank all my writer friends, hound and old, been here longer than me or not, for being the most encouraging, helpful companions a girl could ask for. (Angelcreature13 and lovethatignites, especially)

This year I have published a whopping, 22 stories (counting the One Shot Collection as one story) which comes out to about one new story every two and a half weeks. Keeping in mind, that doesn't count updates on multiple chapter stories. That's a lot of work!

I have also published 9 chapters of Missing Piece, as well as quite a few on other stories. I have written over 100k words this year. (thank you 50k challenge!) As well as improves my writing drastically. My chapters went from less than two thousand (usually less then fifteen hundred, actually) words to usually three thousand on Missing Piece, as well as other stories.

On March 30th, I published You'll Never Know Until She's Gone, which was the first story in which I ever cussed. That wasn't really big, but I actually have to be pretty pissed IRL to cuss often, so I am definitely a bit different on here. That was also around the time I became more bold about my writing of kissing scenes, as well as scenes that imply going further.

In May, I published You and How Could You, which were the first stories I ever wrote and published purely from emotional needs I had to express. When my grandfather passed away I also wrote something, but I trashed it because I didn't like it and back then I felt like I couldn't leave long Author's Notes.

On June 6th (I think) I published Caroline, my first and only story created based off another one shot, rather than added to it.

In July, we celebrated Jemma Day, as well as the 2 year anniversary of Every Witch Way's finale. That was also my shortest (available) story on this site, at under 600 words.

In early August I published Limits, my first story based around a story that is quite under-explored. That month's chapter of Missing Piece also marked my achievement of 100 thousand words published on this site, and accomplishment I am write proud of. (Though 200 thousand is going to come much faster)

At the end of the month Harvey struck, which inspired many thoughts for stories, all of which I never published for fear of offending or upsetting anyone who was also going through the experience, since I was one of the fortunate ones that did not get flooded and didn't want anybody upset.

September came around, and my Andrew crap blew up and ended. To hide away and escape my grief, I began my 50k challenge quest with We Fight, We Break Up, We Kiss, We Make Up. That story is also quite significant because it was the first story of mine that was favorited by my idol, one of my favorite authors, lovethatignites. As writers, we constantly battle the feeling that we will never be as good as we should be, especially when compared to our inspirations. That made me feel so good, and I just want to thank you, Cindy, for that, again. You really have no idea how good impressing someone like you felt.

October! The one year anniversary of my presence here! I wrote quite a bit during that month, including the story Separation Won't Work, where I thanked everyone for being so supportive of me. It was also the month that I befriended TeamJemma4everEWW, who I would encourage you to read the work of.

It was also during this month that I steppes out of another comfort zone and created Fade, a story based off of eating disorders, a topic that is terribly under discussed, especially in the realm of fiction. It was quite important for me, as an author, to put it out there that eating disorders are serious diseases and if you are a sufferer you are not at all alone.

We also battled Clh, a reader that flamed more than a few of us (especially Meg and Cindy, as the creators of it) over our portrayal of Daniel, as well as other characters. She was gone pretty soon, but not soon enough for my tastes.

November was far less active than I planned it to be, no thanks to my school and social life. Oh, to be a teenager... There's almost nothing to that month. I did, however, update Missing Piece and begin the higher point of the "rising action" stage, as my English teacher calls it.

Then, December came, and I realized I had better bust my ass if I had any intention of pulling a miracle out of my ass and finishing this challenge. I was only halfway through my word goal. In this month I have managed to write quite a few one shots, including Sisters, Who Cares? Life, Let You Go, Positive, and the four one shots in the collection story I created eleven days ago.

I also updated Caroline and Every WITS Way, as well as I'm Gone.

I could go on for a mile about my more personal moments (meeting and falling in love with Andrew, moving, falling out of love with Andrew, etc.) this year, but I'd rather not. This is about celebrating another year well spent. I can't think of anyone better to have been by my side. I love you guys!

Happy 2018!

PS: I had 3098 words left. Take the bitches, we did it! 50k in 3 months! Hoorah!