Jack was scared, his heaving bosom ebbing and flowing to the rhythm of his terror. He sat, knees clutched firmly under his many chins, weeping in the darkest corner of the bombed-out apartment block. "In times of crisis I shall seek counsel with the only god I have ever known," he said as gravy-flavoured tears ran down his taught, porcelain cheeks, "Oh, Kim K, please grant me the strength to survive this abominable nightmare. And if you cannot, then grant me a quick death!"
Just as all hope seemed lost, Jack felt a strange feeling coursing through his misshapen micro-penis. "He's here!" the hefty nerd mumbled through spittle and tears.
An all-consuming light permeated the air like a thick miasma; the treacle-like light hung in the air (obviously, Jack tried to eat it at first because he's a big, fat shit). In the epicentre of the heavenly maw stood a silhouette, triumphant and proud.
"I knew you'd come!" Jack sputtered
"That's what I said to your mum last night!" came a god-like baritone from nowhere
"You're even more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined!"
"Stop kissing ass,"
The unseen guardian stretched out a tree trunk-like arm and seized Jack by his tiny little bitch hands. Jack allowed himself to be absorbed into the stranger's mighty Borg. The two disappeared into an ethereal light and ascended to a higher plane; Jack hung in the air, motionless (though, certainly not weightless) awaiting his saviour's beckoning call.
"Come, my son, and observe the collapse of the world you once knew"
Jack wriggled and squirmed until eventually he felt as though he had achieved something, for once. He was right-side up (or, at least, as much as one can be in an infinite, non-dimensional space without gravity); he bumbled over to the space-time rift his hero had made, looking like a penguin with special needs while he did so.
"Observe, young one!" Jack did so
He saw the planet he once called home engulfed in flame, fuelled by vitriol and misguided patriotism; Jack remembered his old life and the people in it. He reminisced about the time in between memories when, more often that not, he was eating. He remembered the tastes of the many foods he had sampled and devoured over his two decade long war against his arteries. He longed for the familiar thickening he felt in his veins when he ate his third jar of mayonnaise of the day; for the euphoric light-headedness that overcame him whenever he walked too fast or ate too slow. And for a moment that lasted for all time, he wished that he had been consumed in the flame that scorched earth's surface. "...Pringles..." he wept, "...it can't end like this. Not after all my work..."
"Nothing ever truly ends, my little bipedal hippopotamus. Keep watching"
Jack held back tears (which was fortunate as they were the only non-carbonated beverage he had had in his body for some time now); he looked down and watched as Gaia kept spinning, never ceasing in her mission to impersonate a big, blue helicopter. After many centuries, grass began to form on her many countries. Many millennia after that, thick wavy locks of pure green cascaded down from her Amazonian scalp and enrobed her in a comforting blanket of flora. After her colours had changed and faded and died and been resurrected a million times over, things entirely unlike the stoic green custodians began to dot her surface. Her new inhabitants zipped between the trees and hid in the grass and laughed and danced and played in the vast glow of the familiar sun. The creatures began to grow and learn: they made tools to make their lives easier; they made weapons to make other creature's lives harder; they began to gather up the stones that lay beneath her mighty skin; they piled the stones high into massive spires dedicated to their own glory; the creatures, though all identical in aspect and nature, decided that those who formed on the shores of the adjacent land mass were to blame for all the troubles they had accrued through their many generations; the creatures, not content with the comfort that had been afforded them by an empathetic universe, decided that they alone should have the gifts that Gaia offered so freely; after many generations had fallen to the same greed there was but two creatures left, biting at each other's throats in a pile of ash and detritus; one of the creatures bested the other and stood up to share his victory with those of his kind whom he had deemed worthy of his attention, he found no one; Gaia continued to turn gently, basking the embers of the world she made in the sun's warm, familiar glow, the creature wandered her topography in search of those who would call him brother. The creature, like all things, eventually faded into infinity. Gaia continued to spin and after many centuries, grass began to form on her many countries.
"Now do you see, my boy?" asked the spectral observer, turning to his young companion.
Unfortunately, Jack had found an old piece of pizza stuck in the folds of his multiple chins and was currently pre-occupied furiously sucking cheese out of the stuffed crust.
"You know, you suck pretty good. For a mortal!" said the mighty, incorporeal shade.
A stray piece of fried chicken fell out from under Jack's bosom and hung, suspended in the infinite mists before him. He snatched it up expertly and consumed its greases and proteins with ease.
"I like the way you handle your meat," chortled the universal spectator, trying once again to pry Jack's attention away from food he found concealed beneath his own flab.
Feeling bloated, but by no means sated, Jack took off his corduroys (corduroys which, incidentally, had outlasted their manufacturer by several billion years) they floated coquettishly away. As his muffin top descended past his love handles and joined his big, fat ass meat to form one salient ball of cellulose, two grapes floated out of the space between his scrotum and his anus and passed his eye-line.
"YUCK! FRUIT!" Jack hissed, hurtling his semi-naked form staunchly in the opposite direction.
The deity who had saved him from destruction caught Jack in his hulking arms and cradled him, deftly.
When Jack awoke he was in a huge bassinette, wrapped in a swaddle and surrounded by stuffed animals. A mobile span, playfully above his smooth, chubby face. A white-haired fire-cracker of a woman entered the room, scooped up the sleeping babe and sustained him with milk from her breast.
Many years later, when the woman was dead and Jack was now a man, he remembered the phantom who had rescued him from annihilation and showed him the ultimate truth. He remembered the inalienable facts that blessed and plagued every man from birth to death and he remembered the hellfire that shall consume them all if they cannot be shown the error of their ways.
Jack stood atop a mountain, bearing two imposing slabs of stone upon which he had carved the rules by which man must live if he wishes to avoid eternal damnation.
Jack was now an old man, his many millions of followers flooded the streets around his humble abode to hear what wisdom he would impart upon his passing. He had led these rudimentary creatures of hatred and prejudice away from self-destruction and down a path of enlightenment and tolerance; he had no messages left to spread. He grinned as he felt the final flickers of light within him extinguished and the universe he had once come to know absorb him into its infinite, loving embrace.
Jack stood on the shores of a vast, endless beach; the horizon stretched out before him with no end in sight. The delicate, pale blue waves gently lapped over his feet as he stared into the deep blue soul of the cosmos.
A familiar hand wrapped around his shoulder. Jack was not startled, he didn't even turn around, for he knew to whom the hand belonged.
"I knew you'd be here," he whispered to the air in general
"You did well, my child!" replied the cacophonous harmony that was as familiar to Jack as his own heartbeat, "Swim out until you can no longer see this beach, and allow yourself to sink until you no longer see this sky and you shall know peace!"
Jack took off the robes that had worn heavy upon his now meek frame for many years now; he entered the warm waters. He looked down into the crystal clear liquid in which he stood and noticed he could no longer see either of his legs from the knee down. He smiled and enjoyed the heat of the sun on his face one last time.
Jack swam for eternity, all of time passed him by. Every war, every act of hate or malice, every selfish action that had doomed countless lives washed over him as he headed eternally for that unreachable horizon.
Soon, he surpassed these murky depths and was soon surrounded by a calm palette of soft blue and playful turquoise. Every stolen kiss, every shared glance, every act of love or kindness, every altruistic act of selflessness that saved countless lives washed over him and restored him as he headed for that unreachable horizon.
Eventually, he stopped. The waves hopping out of the water and licking his face reminded him how far he'd come. He looked around for the beach on which he had begun his one-man exodus and saw nothing; he smiled and allowed the waves to grow ever greater around him.
Jack opened his eyes and gazed at the beautiful, cloudless sky. He turned around once again and saw what he had hoped he would.
The ethereal stranger stood on the surface of the water, soft ripples gliding their way through the endless ocean in all directions around him.
"Thank you, stranger, for all that you have done for me. But, before we part ways, pray tell: what is your name?"
The stranger smiled at Jack like a father would. "My child, after all you have done, I will happily tell you my name. They call me "Jarack Obama!"
Jack closes his eyes as the softly lulling waves envelope him and he falls endlessly down into the beautiful calm blackness.