A/N: This is my first foray into Mentalist so all feedback is appreciated!
He was sitting at the desk, the Red John folders scattered in front of him. He was looking at them, saw the pictures of blood, bodies, tragedies... and he could hear Amazing Grace being sung by Rigsby and Van Pelt.
He couldn't stay in the room, he barely managed to keep it together at the funeral, but he was slowly but surely losing the battle with his self control. So he had slipped to Bosco's office to look through the Red John folders to focus his mind and to forget about what had happened.
He heard the singing tapering off and pretended to be fully engaged with the material in front of him while the others were leaving, just waving a hand in response to their goodbyes. He made sure that he didn't look at anyone, didn't let them see his face, especially Lisbon and he made sure that he saw her leaving with the others.
When he was alone in the darkness, just a small desk light illuminating his small world, he let the papers fall from his hands and put his face into his hands and drew a shuddering breath. Took another breath, felt like he was suffocating, forced another breath while starting to shake, his self control finally losing the battle.
He felt the prickling of hot tears in his eyes and could do nothing to stop them falling. He was shaking, struggling to breathe while crying with an anguish that wasn't new to him, but had only been on the back burner for many years. Knowing that he was alone, he let the grief and guilt finally take over from anger.
XXX
Lisbon had gone half way to the lifts before remembering that she had forgotten her purse in her office. She didn't use a purse very often and when she did, she tended to forget it.
She was walking back in the dark as all the lights were switched off and as she suspected Jane was still studying Red John case files and she didn't want to alert her presence to him. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't help but think that all this was her and Jane's fault. And the way Jane had just ignored the team and had sneaked off to concentrate on Red John angered her, so it was best that she didn't talk to him right now. She knew that it was the grief talking, but she was so angry at him right now.
Just when she was about to enter her office, she froze. The sound of anguish sliced straight through her and made her hair stand up. She slowly followed the sound, but couldn't make her mind grasp who it must be.
She came to stand outside Bosco's office and what she saw, made her forget her anger at Jane. Instead the sight of a distressed, crying, shaking man made her heart shatter.
She knew that Jane didn't want anyone see him like this, but she couldn't leave him and hoped that he trusted her enough to see that. She walked softly in and gently called out his name as not to startle him, but he didn't hear her. She hesitated, but finally put a hand on his shoulder and nearly got a heart attack when Jane jumped up from the chair.
XXX
Jane couldn't hold anything back. Once his grief and guilt was out, it kept flooding, it kept gushing, it wouldn't be controlled. His mind was consumed and he was physically feeling the pain and he let the pain take over.
And then he could feel someone's hand on his shoulder and he just needed to get away, he needed to be left alone, otherwise he would drown others in his pain. He jumped up from the chair, turning around in panic, needing to escape, needing to hide, but his legs didn't have any strength and he crumbled down on the floor. He scurried backwards until he hit a wall and then there was nothing else to do except to try to make himself as invisible as possible, so he lifted his knees up and hid his head behind his arms. He wasn't even aware any more that he was still crying, that he was still trying to breath through the fire in his lungs.
XXX
Lisbon was as startled by Jane as he was by her. But it was obvious that Jane wasn't fully aware of his surroundings. He wasn't in much of a shape to do anything, except to react as a wounded animal withdrawing into a dark corner and trying to make himself as small a target as possible.
Lisbon had never seen Jane like this. She had seen glimpses of how tortured the man really was, but nothing prepared her for this. She knew how he blamed himself for the death of his family and based on the broken words she could hear him repeating, he was blaming himself for the deaths of the agents and what finally made her snap, was when she heard him begging for forgiveness for hurting her, then her tears spilled over.
Lisbon crouched down to Jane and carefully touched his shoulder. Jane stiffened, but didn't otherwise react so she started slowly stroking his hair, letting her fingers slide through the curls in soothing movement. She sat down facing him, rested her head on his shoulder and felt how Jane unfurled one of his arms to grip a hold of her hand.
Two broken people sat on the floor in a half embrace, dark hair next to blond curls, silent tears next to anguished sobs as the night drew ever darker and longer.
-Fin-