A's gone. I have no reason to fear for my life. Everything is back to normal, although it doesn't feel normal anymore. I have long forgotten what normal feels like. I got used to looking twice behind my back to see if there was someone, of not trusting the dark and the danger that lies in the shadows. I had a dark past that I'm trying hard to get past through.

I see her. I look at her from a far. It had always been like that ever since we were 15. Back then I used to admire her in secret, I was the queen bee, and no one had to know. I was confused, no I take that back, I knew but I was in denial. I couldn't admit to myself that me, the Alison Dilaurentis, has fallen for sweet Emily. 2 years made me realize that keeping it to myself was the best thing that I've ever done. I thought A couldn't use Emily, that she would be safe, but I was wrong. I've gone my ways to save her from every mischief and danger of that psycho. She was my hope, the light of my dark world. She is the sole reason why I stayed strong, determined to end A's regime, so I could tell her how much I want her.

When I came back all I wanted was to be with her. I could've just stayed in that bus and go away forever but she told me to come home. My dad welcomed me back to our house, Jason was there too. My old room appeared like how it was when I was away. It's like nothing had changed inside that house, indeed nothing did, for that house was never a home to me. The only time it became my home was when Emily was there on the same bed as I was.

I see her. I look at her from where I was seated. She moves her body like the swaying of the branches of trees on a windy day. She dances so well, so sensual, so fierce, so sexy. My heart swells at the sight of her. The whole room cheers and applauses when she ends. The girls and I cheer for her. 'Go Emily!' We kept shouting with me and Hanna being the loudest amongst all. The pageant went on and each time she walks my eyes follows her wherever she goes.

"Hey" I sneak backstage to see her while she changes for her final gown. The girls were too busy with their lovers to notice me slip away.

"Alison?" she was surprised but still smiled. A smile that could brighten up the whole auditorium. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came here to wish my mer-you the best of luck" her smile didn't hide the blush on her cheeks but I dare not tease her because I too was blushing on my own

"Thanks." I fix the loose strands of her hair back and to ruin our moment, some crew had called her out. "I need to go. Thanks again" She was about to walk away but I pulled her by the arm and left a kiss on her cheek. I let it last for a few seconds before I went back to where the girls were. I must've left her in daze.

It didn't come as a surprise when she actually won. She was the best among all and I'm not just saying that because I love her. Hanna was the first one to run by her side and hug her. I would've torn them apart but I understood. Emily joined that pageant because of Hanna. She aimed to win so Hanna could use the money for college. That's my Emily, always the friend you could count on. Spencer and Aria followed after Hanna, I didn't mind. All eyes were on me as they all finished hoarding her. I took slow steps approaching her before I wrapped my arms on her. Even though I was in heels she was still towering me with hers.

"You did it Em! I knew from the start you would win this" I never moved myself away from her. Now the she was actually a beauty pageant title holder I felt more protective of her. Guys and ladies would line up to woo her and I don't breathe to allow it to happen. If there's a queue for Emily's heart well then I should be on top.

I threw papers around my room; papers that were meant to be love letters. After Emily had won I had not stop thinking about how I would express my feelings for her; mornings, afternoons, midnights. I moved around the house as silent as I could. Taking a bottle of alcohol on my dad's liquor stash I drove myself to Emily's. I climbed to her window as easy as cake. I've done it a lot of times when I was still in hiding. I saw Emily sleeping on her side with her lamp on. I then noticed the book she has beside her, Great Expectations. She must've fallen asleep reading it. I lowered myself and just watched her sleeping for a minute. She looked so peaceful. When you look at her, you could never say that she went through a dark time for 2 years.

"Em" I whispered so I wouldn't startle her. "Emily" I whispered again. Her brows knitted.

"We're closed" she murmured and I giggled. She must be thinking of The Brew.

"I not here to buy coffee Em" I humored her. She didn't say anything again. "Em" This time I shook her gently. She half opened her eyes.

"Ali?" She groaned and closed her eyes again. "It's 2 am"

"I know. I just thought we could use a little sleepover since your mom's not in town" She groaned again and remained asleep.

"Wakey wakey" I poked her cheek repeatedly.

"Ali stop" she waved her hand around to get my hand away but I had moved it ahead

"I'm just going to leave then" I tested her but my heart sank when she didn't say or move. "I'm leaving now." Nothing again. "Bye Emily"

"Ugh! Wait up. Fine. Stay." She says groggily. I smirked away my victory. "but I'm still sleeping" I rolled my eyes. Yeah yeah I still want what I want. I moved my face closer to hers and so we were inches away.

"If you don't wake up…I'm going to kiss you" I whispered to her. What she said in reply surprised me big time.

"I know you wanna kiss me" I took a step away from her. With eyes closed she smirked. Seconds later she opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was me; mouth open, eyes wide, breath hitched and heart on the ground. Oh how the tables had turned. "I'm just kidding. Why are you here this late?"

"I-I umm" I recollected myself as fast as I could. "I wanted to see you. Thought you might want some company since you're all alone. Here check this out I brought you a present" I rushed pulling out the bottle of alcohol I had hidden inside my jacket.

"What?" she started laughing when she saw what I brought and rose up on her bed. She carefully placed the book on her nightstand.

"Dare to have fun Fields?" I raised the bottle

"Oh you're so on!" she said back.

I had no idea how tolerant Emily's body was with alcohol. She might be tipsy but I'm far worst than her. I've been away for years and had no time and wasted no chance to get drunk. Just as we were halfway through the bottle my body felt tired. Emily must've noticed it because she had closed the bottle and set it aside.

"Let's get to bed" Emily pulled me by the hand and tucked me in. My mind was running with alcohol but it was still well functional.

"You know Em" I started speaking before I could think of what to say "I never loved anyone. I didn't know how."

"Is that so?" I hear her say beside me

"Yeah. I never loved anyone-other than you. I loved you even before I went away. I just didn't know how to show it. I'm sorry for doing the things I did to you. I could lie over and over again but I'll never believe if I told myself I didn't love you." My body is filled with sweat, from the effects of the alcohol and my confession.

"Uhh-damn! I never thought of it that way. I mean…you did tell me our kisses weren't just for practice when you came back but…wow. I don't know what to say" I didn't dare move nor look at her

"If I could do it all over again things would be so much different" There was definite sadness on my tone

"We could try…maybe we could work something out." Her words rang on my head like church bells

"W-what?" I'm not sure if it's the alcohol on mind working or she really means what she means

"I'm not saying we're getting together right then. We'll hangout, sort things out, see how it goes. I think it'll work" I was too taken back to say anything. "Ali?"

"It will" That was all I was able to say before darkness filled my consciousness.

The next morning I woke up still beside the sleeping Emily. Though she was a morning person she was here sleeping like a log. I recalled last night and stiffened. Oh shit.

Emily and I did sort things out. The girls would tease us sometimes. By sometimes I mean every time Hanna sees us. We did not rush things out though. We would eat out at the grill, watch movies at home or at the theater, there are times I would wait until her shift ends at the brew. The first time I really asked her out for a date I took her bowling. It wasn't something the old Alison would really prefer but that's what I like most. I don't want the past.

We were sitting at the kissing rock when she decided to point out the question that everyone is asking.

"Ali can I ask you something?" I hear Emily asking.

"Hmm?" My attention was focused on the initials on the rock. AD+EF

"I believe we haven't talked about this yet" she paused and breathes "What are we?"

"Oh that. What do you want us to be?" I question her back

"I don't know. I'm…honestly the past still comes by from time to time on my mind but I don't let it get through me. I don't know what this is that we have. Just a little more we're like fuck buddies already" We both laughed at how queer she described us

"Funny but true. We're actually like buddies you didn't have to say fuck buddies." We continued on laughing. "On the serious note we actually need to sort this out don't we?"

"Certainly" silence eats us

"We don't have to label it" I blurt out. She whips her head to me. I take hold of her hand. "Baby steps" I really like Emily, I do love her but I don't want to scare her off. I don't want to rush things and end up messing it. I want Emily and I to establish something stable.

"I'm okay with unlabeled." She squeezed my hand.

Emily and I went on with our little dance, a bit intimate this time. Emily does this thing to me that I couldn't just explain. She gives me a sanctuary of butterflies, she makes me smile like crazy, and she's the magic working on my being.

I should have known it was too good to be true. Slowly my insecurities have grown on my mind. I watch Emily have fun with Hanna. Since they've practice dancing before it had became their thing. It was fun to watch them at first but then it later on made me feel like a needle on their bubble. The girls laugh together at some TV series I am not familiar of. They told me stories of how they used to binge watch it while I was away. It was fun to listen to them at first but then I felt left out later on. I felt like an outcast. I've come to realize that I don't belong in their world anymore.

I thought Emily would make me feel better. She tried, but it just wasn't enough. With my excruciating past, the nightmares haunting me, my insecurities, I felt belittled. Spencer was going to Oxford, Aria to SCAD, Hanna to Ballard and Emily to Danby. I was nothing anymore, no one. Gone was Queen Alison. I tried to fight the feeling off, the feeling of not being good enough. I showed off a façade to them and they seem to believe it.

I watched Emily leave for her first day of college. I gave her a good luck kiss little does she know it was also our goodbye kiss. You can call me crazy if you want to. As Emily explores the new horizons college brings her, I took out a clean sheet and a pen. My hand moves on its own as my tears flow freely.

My sweet Emily,

Please don't hate me for what I have done. I need this Em. I need a fresh start. I've been having nightmares and everything in Rosewood reminds me of the bad things that have happened. I need to leave now but I will be back. I don't ask you to wait for me. I would understand if you forget about me but I hope at least you would forgive me.

I love you Em and I dream that soon we'll have our happy ending but for now this is what's suppose to happen. Maybe someday our love, the timing, it would all fit in.

I loved you against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Pip gets Estella in the end Em, don't ever forget that, until then I leave to you my heart and my promise-I'll come home to you.

Love always,

Alison

I fold the paper in three and put it close to my lips. I put down the letter in between the pages of Great Expectations and on top of it, our friendship bracelet with my name on it. Taking the bracelet with Emily's name on it I walked away.

Emily is the best person here on earth and she deserves no one less than her. Until I am fitted to be with her I would have to walk away.