Heart bounding wildly, she sat up with a jolt, eyes wide open to the darkness of her quarters. The remains of the Caretaker array floated past her on a tide of dazzling white blasts against black, before it ebbed away at long last. She was left stranded behind, gasps torn from the depth of her lungs.
"Computer-"
Her voice rasped and halted. Pushing the tangled sheets away, she sat on the edge of the mattress, finger tips against the temple, the other hand flat on the bed cover. Her skin felt clammy against the fabric of the regulation night wear.
"Computer, light at twenty per cent."
Kathryn welcomed the low illumination, a respite from the soundless explosions in her nightmare. A faint throbbing remained at the edge of her awareness.
"What time is it?"
~ 0310 ~
Less than four hours before the start of the alpha shift. Not much point trying to go back to sleep, she thought.
She walked to the bathroom, stripped and showered, letting the sonic waves vaporise away the sweat. Washing her hair would have to wait a bit longer. Water took energy to replicate.
Their last attempts at boosting their anti-matter reserves had been less than successful. The planet Neelix had recommended had proven disappointing, and the time before that had almost resulted in the death of a strange and wondrous life form never encountered before. Add fourteen injured people, the ship's energy reserves down by more than twenty per cent, and she wondered what else could befall the ship. Chasing potential sources of energy was proving a gruelling task and they were only in their second month of a seventy-five-year long journey.
Back in the bedroom, she took her clothes out of a set of drawers. Torres had listed a number of measures which would save power from non-essential systems in the Engineering report that had landed on her ready room desk in the early evening. The Chief Engineer's findings were sound, and she'd sent her approval back before retiring for the night. She'd pass by Engineering and see how they were going with those changes.
Torres was a miracle worker and had taken to her new responsibilities with the guts and stubbornness of her Klingon half. Of all the crew members on Voyager, she was the one who kept the ship in one piece even if her methods were radical at times. It would be good for her team to know she had the captain's support.
Janeway rolled her neck. Besides, there was something slightly off with the engines. She could feel it in her bones.
She lined up the clothes on the bed and started to dress. Starfleet-issue grey panties, grey bra, grey tank top, grey—.
Why did everything she wore had to be the colour of a bulkhead?
Because you never imagined your mission to capture the Maquis would last long enough to need a bit of colour against your skin, Janeway. That's why. Get over it.
She retrieved the jacket and pants from the back of a chair, then chased the boots from underneath the table where a pile of PADDs teetered. She finished getting dressed before moving to face the wall mirror. A sea of black with a dash of command red looked back at her as she fastened her hair into the familiar tight bun.
Until the replicators were back, lipstick was out now. And coffee, she sighed, Neelix' substitutes notwithstanding. And while the holodeck did not draw directly from the engine power grid, Sandrine's was off too, for her at least.
The crew was welcome to return there, a harmless fantasy to ease their plight and unwind for a few hours, but for her, once was enough until they reached better shores. Showing off her talents at pool was not what the crew needed right now from their captain. Despite Sandrine's escapism, despite Neelix' best efforts, Voyager's family was hurting.
Nuanka, a period of mourning. That was what Chakotay had called the crew's mood, before they had dashed into the nebula that-wasn't.
He had been right of course. The crew was grieving. They had lost so much – their families and friends, their homes, their hopes. Voyager had joined a lengthy list of ships lost in space due to causes unknown, its crew missing in action, presumed dead. Some like Paris shrugged it off and pretended it was nothing, that their future did not depend on a past which they would prefer to forget. Many among the former Maquis crew were probably feeling the same.
Others found solace in memories of better times, of people who would not give them up. She was sure Harry Kim was recording a private message to his parents every day, even if the odds that they would still be alive by the time he saw them again were stacked against him.
Her hands stilled. Would Mark wait for her? If the situation had been reversed, she would have commandeered a search party and gone looking for him. The times were long gone when wives and fiancées would scour cliff tops, waiting for a sight of the ship that would bring their men back.
But that was not his ways. His were the safe harbour she'd come back to mission after mission to unload and recuperate, a home that was now too far away for her to return to until they were both too timeworn to wed. He was a good man who deserved better than a ghost warming up his heart and bed for the rest of his days. It was cruel of her to will him a life alone, and senseless to hold onto the belief he would still be there when she made it home.
She checked the four pips on the shirt collar were straight before leaving her quarters. At this time of the night nobody was around, and she had the turbolift to herself.
"Deck 11."
Nuanka. It hadn't been a surprise that the former Maquis leader had grasped the mood of the ship crew so perfectly. While she didn't have the luxury of mourning what might have been, Chakotay had shown a deep empathy for what the crew was going through, no doubt due to his experience of losing home and family to the Cardassians, and having to leave behind a promising Starfleet career.
It was his spiritual side she had not anticipated. He obviously drew great strength and wisdom from his beliefs, and his willingness to share even a small part with her had been an unexpected gift. She had not dared ask what the mysterious objects in his medicine bundle – a stone, the wing of a bird – represented. Perhaps some arcane symbols of the spirits he followed, or important milestones from his tumultuous life.
Chakotay had said she should make her own bundle, but she'd never been one to collect tangible reminders of her past, and even if she had, they were well out of reach now.
The turbolift door opened and she walked down the corridor.
What was the point anyway? Her animal guide had not seen fit to reappear after that first visit. She could hardly blame it from thinking the task too arduous. Heavens knew her path was going to be chaotic at best.
Carey jumped to attention as she strode into Engineering.
###
"Chakotay, you need to do something about that woman," Torres said in a low voice as she followed her XO to the kitchen counter.
The mess hall was full, the crew busy discussing Neelix' fare and mingling before the start of the alpha shift.
"That woman is the captain, B'Elanna." Chakotay tried hard not to roll his eyes. There was no point in asking whom B'Elanna was talking about.
"Good morning, Commander, Lieutenant." Neelix plopped what looked like scrambled eggs on their plates, and added a few green limp twigs on top. "Today's special is a recipe from my father's side. Perfect to start the day strong and healthy."
As a last flourish, he placed a small red round globe on the edge of the yellow trembling mass. "And you can have the first Talaxian tomatoes from the hydroponics bay. Only one per person I'm afraid, but they are very tasty."
"Thank you Neelix. All this looks very…appetising." Taking his tray, Chakotay walked to an empty table near the door, away from prying ears.
He sat down and took a sip from his cup of tea while pondering what Torres' problem was. A few weeks into their journey and he had yet to regret his decision to become Janeway's first officer. One day, there might be an event that would pit one against the other, an opposition of ideals which would make him question why he'd ever allied himself to 'that' woman. But he was keenly aware of the precariousness of Janeway's situation. Keeping the crew alive and getting the ship home was a big enough challenge for the two of them.
Torres banged her tray on the table, then dropped into the chair opposite him. "I don't care if Janeway is the Federation President. Engineering is my responsibility."
"Quite." The least he could do was to listen to B'Elanna and lead her off the war path. He studied his plate, wondering what to try first.
"She made me Chief Engineer over Carey, didn't she?" The fork in Torres' hand lashed at an invisible foe.
"Indeed." There had been a few complaints made against the young half-Klingon, but he appreciated Janeway had stuck with her on his recommendation. The captain had taken a risk providing the Maquis crew with duties and positions on her ship. His task was to iron out the inevitable issues and conflicts that arose from that decision before they came to her attention.
B'Elanna stabbed at the thick yellow curd in front of her. She took a bite, nodded her appreciation, then tucked in. "Well, do you know what she did this morning?" she said, her mouth full.
Keeping track of what the captain was doing was more difficult than herding cats. He thought she was in her ready room and fifteen minutes later she would call him from a corner of Voyager even the computer had problems locating. The last time it had happened, he had remonstrated it wasn't her job to remodulate the long-range navigation sensors. She'd looked at him like if he was from another planet, and said the point wasn't who could do it, but that it was done.
"Middle of the gamma shift, she barges in Engineering and starts a diagnostic test on the warp engine."
He had a faint recollection of hearing the captain's voice very early in the morning from the other side of the wall separating his quarters from hers. Did the woman ever sleep more than five hours? He definitely should have a talk with her.
"Did she say why?" he asked while pushing his food around. He was not convinced a lesser human could ingest what Neelix had dished out, without suffering a painful and lingering death.
"She said, and I quote, 'There's something wrong with the warp core harmonics. I can feel it from my quarters.' Can you believe that?"
"Anything else?" If he had to discuss night habits with the captain, he'd better have all the information he could gather.
Taking a deep breath, he picked the least vapid vegetable he could find before delicately munching on it. The taste was as bland as it looked, but it was edible.
"A 'dissonance', that's what she called it. She could feel a low-frequency dissonance from eight decks away." B'Elanna speared the tomato on her plate. "I mean, really?"
He'd never heard of warp core harmonics before, but that was not Torres' main problem. The captain was her target.
Beside their common love of scientific puzzles, the two women couldn't be more different in his opinion. Where Torres acted like a barely tamed volcano, ready to explode under pressure, Janeway was cool and collected, using her well-honed diplomatic skills to get the results she wanted. She'd been born into Starfleet, and wore the command colours with a presence and poise that many Admirals would envy. B'Elanna was forever behaving as if her uniform collar was too tight and the Lieutenant bar attached to it too heavy.
She was a good engineer, the best he'd ever worked with, but her people management skills, although much improved since she'd broken Carey's nose, could still do with some guidance. Torres had come to him after all, and it was his role to advise her. At least she was not trying to kill him, he thought wryly.
"I see," he said. "And what were you doing on duty at that time of the night? I thought you were on the alpha shift."
"I was in bed, but I've asked Carey to call me when the Captain shows up unannounced like that."
Chakotay puts his fork down, letting annoyance colour his voice. "Let me get this straight. The Captain walks in Engineering to do a routine test on the engines, and five minutes later you turn up?"
B'Elanna stopped chewing and lifted her gaze from her plate. "Well, yes. Carey woke me up as I've ordered him to, and I went straight down to Deck 11."
"So, you rush down there and take over from the guy you put in charge in the first place."
"Yes, of course." She shook her head as if amazed he wasn't getting the point. "It is still my department, you know, whatever the shifts."
He waved her response away. "Because you think Carey can't handle the Captain."
B'Elanna put her hand down and pushed her plate away. "Wait a minute, Chakotay. What are you saying? I come to you with a valid complaint about the captain's behaviour, and you turn it into something else. I thought you were my friend."
"There are so many things wrong in what you are saying, B'Elanna, it's not funny. Speaking as your friend and superior officer, I think you should have a good look about how you are treating your own staff. You are asking the captain to trust you to do your job when you don't even trust the people under you to do theirs."
B'Elanna opened her mouth, shut it, and looked down. "Well, I suppose Carey could have helped her."
"Yes, he would have. Because that's part of his responsibilities when you are not there. He would have called you if he had a problem he couldn't solve."
She took up her fork again. "I suppose so."
"And guess what? Have you checked to see if he hasn't pulled the same trick on his own people? What happens when you question a member of his team when he is not on duty? I bet he comes running back to Engineering as fast as he can."
B'Elanna shuffled on her chair. "He does."
"Meanwhile nobody is getting any rest because you are driving them all into the ground."
Her shoulders slumped. "Yes, you might be right. I'll discuss it with him, but still, you know, do you think you could talk to Janeway? I know there's a problem with the warp core, but I…", she corrected herself, "we were going to get to it after the repairs on the shields were done. She makes me nervous when she hovers like that—"
"Lieutenant Torres, just the person I wanted to see," came a familiar voice from the open door.
Torres leapt from her chair, almost crashing it to the floor. "Captain, I am sorry, I came here to grab some breakfast, and..."
Janeway threw a wide smile at her. "At ease, Lieutenant. Can you spare me a minute when you finish? I've got an idea about that pesky warp core I want to pass by you."
"I was going back to Engineering right now."
"Excellent. Let me grab what passes for coffee today, and I'll accompany you." Janeway turned to accost Neelix and the two walked behind the kitchen galley, deep in conversation.
Eyes wide, B'Elanna looked at Chakotay who cocked his head towards the captain. "She won't kill you, you know that," he said with a smile. "Talk to her."
She took her tray and left the table with a huff.
Pleased with himself, Chakotay returned his attention to his breakfast. The vegetables were not too bad, but he decided not to push his luck with the eggs.
###
Crewman Jonas alighted on Deck 4, leaving the two of them alone in the turbolift. Chakotay had spent most of the morning on the bridge before being called on an errand on Deck 9, catching up with the Captain on his way back.
Janeway put a hand on the back of her neck, and leaned her head against the bulkhead. "I swear whoever designed the Jefferies tubes never spent more than ten minutes crawling through one of them. This morning has been hell on my back."
He did sympathise. He considered offering to give her a massage, but thought his suggestion might be misconstrued. Janeway was the only captain he'd served under who touched people to impart comfort and reassurance. It was a quirk of her personality he was quite fond of. A few times, he had been sure it was for her own benefit, as if she needed to be certain the other person was alive and well. He had also noticed she never encouraged reciprocity. The captain's distance was clearly not something she was willing to breach on any other terms than hers.
"How did you go with Lieutenant Torres?" he asked instead.
"Good, good. Seems my idea about the warp core wasn't entirely…", she smirked, "…wacky, I think B'Elanna called it at first. At least that feeling I had the engines were slightly off-key is gone."
"Is that what woke you up during the night? I thought I heard you calling out, but I wasn't sure."
"No, it wasn't that." Her voice tapered off, eyes lost in the distance.
She straightened her back, looking at him with a frown. "I am sorry. I didn't realise the wall between our quarters was so thin. I'll be more discreet next time."
He looked at her. Her hair was listless, her face paler than usual, faint smudges showing here and there. She was beat.
He wondered if B'Elanna had been subtle about her grievance. She must have gotten stuck into Janeway, the only way she knew, even if the captain was not talking about it. As much as he preferred the half-Klingon to deal directly with Janeway, the captain's welfare was his job.
"Computer, halt turbolift."
Her eyes narrowed. "Commander? We've got a security meeting in five minutes."
"Did B'Elanna talk to you about her concerns?"
"Concerns? What concerns?" She lifted her arms, hands opened in a pleading gesture. "Don't tell me there's been another complaint about her."
He smiled despite himself. "No, not about her."
"Then whom? Somebody on her team?"
"In a sense, although in theory that person is not assigned to …" He could see she was not following him. "You, Captain. She came to me this morning with a complaint about you. She was upset because you had seen fit to," he cleared his throat, "take over Engineering while she was not on duty."
Janeway's face dropped. "She never said anything to me. For the record, I didn't take over, if that was what she thought. I went there as a show of support to her. To let her team know their captain appreciates what they are doing and that I am here to help. Which is exactly what I told her when we discussed my idea about the warp engine."
Chakotay relaxed his stance. "Well, you must have put her mind at ease then, which is great news. Computer, resume turbolift."
"Computer, belay that," Janeway countered. The lift shuddered to a stop again. "Did you advise her not to tell me anything?"
He should have known Janeway was not going to let it lie. "On the contrary, but I'm glad she's—"
Janeway's brow furrowed. "I'm getting thoroughly confused, Chakotay. A member of my crew has a grievance against me, but you are happy she said nothing to me about it. At the same time, you want me to know," she put her hand up to stop his protest, "which is fine and the right thing to do, but I really don't—"
"I am sorry, Captain. Maybe I am taking my role of would-be counsellor too much at heart. I should have talked to her again before bothering you." Because now, while Torres was obviously okay, he had a doubly-worried captain to take care of.
"You have to understand that B'Elanna is very protective of what she sees as her own patch," he continued.
"Next time I think something's wrong with the engines, I'll make sure to wait until she's around," Janeway said in a sarcastic tone.
She lifted her chin. "Is there anything else you are keeping from me, Commander? Ultimately Voyager is my ship if I am not mistaken."
Torres and Janeway had more common than he'd thought. Sheer bull-headedness to start with, and a tendency to think they could fix anything. His advice to B'Elanna did apply to the captain too. The woman, 'that' woman, needed to know when to stop. "Permission to speak freely, Captain."
Janeway nodded wearily. "Of course, Chakotay."
"You are spreading yourself too thinly across too many areas. You might be the captain, but you don't have to do everything."
He could still remember the away mission where she'd insisted she would come with him, and that decision had almost got her killed.
She looked at him with an incredulous look on her face. "Might be the captain? I am the captain, Chakotay. And if that means helping Torres or whoever else, so the ship goes home a bit faster, so be it."
"And you are running yourself ragged in the process, checking up the ship from top to bottom every day, and waking up at all hours during the nights."
"For which I again apologise. Next time I have a bad dream, Commander, I'll make sure not to broadcast it so loudly. Computer, resume turbolift."
A dark look from her and he thought better than ask what dreams stalked her at night. A heavy silence filled the widening space between them for the remainder of the short travel to the top deck.
During the security meeting, Chakotay listened with only half an ear, wondering how to repair the damage he'd done. Torres, he could manage. Nominating her for the position of Chief Engineer had boosted her self-confidence, if not her self-control. He knew she would deliver and more with a bit of guidance.
Janeway was a more complex character, as driven and obstinate in her own ways, but her problems were not going to abate tomorrow, or the day after. Time was her enemy. Time and her set belief she had condemned the crew to a very long exile by blowing up the Caretaker array. The cause of her nightmares was not difficult to imagine after all.
The rest of the day passed slowly. The Captain disappeared in her ready room in the afternoon and stayed put for once. Chakotay didn't think it was due to his little pep talk which had gone down so well indeed.
He spent the remainder of the quiet shift juggling crew assignments. When he was satisfied with the rota, he excused himself from the bridge and rung the chime to the ready room.
"Enter." Janeway was facing the window, a cup of coffee in the hand.
"Captain, the crew roster for next month."
"Thank you Chakotay. Leave the PADD on the desk. I'll look at it later."
He waited.
After a few seconds, she turned around and lifted an eyebrow. "Is there anything else?"
"Have you contacted your animal guide recently?"
She did not answer at first, then smiled, seemingly recognising the change of topic as the peace offering it was. "We seem to have parted company after our initial encounter. I think I might have frightened it somehow."
"I doubt this is the main reason it is staying away. Would you like me to help you on your next quest?"
"I don't want to impose on you. Meditation does not come to me naturally at the best of times as Tuvok would attest. I am not cut out for that sort of thing."
"The rewards of talking to your own guide are too great to ignore. I'll come by your quarters at 20:00 if it suits."
He had checked her agenda and moved everything marked ship matter off her schedule. She was free, he knew that.
"Well, I suppose I owe you one more try. Thank you, Chakotay. I look forward to it."
Her smile was proof enough he had made the right decision.
###
Waves stirred the sand into lazy patterns, the sun warmed her back, trees swayed gently in the breeze. There was not an animal to be seen.
Kathryn put her hand on Chakotay's shoulder and stood up, breaking her link to the tranquil vision. "I must be doing something wrong, or I don't have the faith to make this work."
She did not want him to think it was his fault if she wasn't as attuned as he was to the spirit world. Her mind was much better suited to solving quantum cosmology problems or warp core harmonics it seems, than dwell into the intricacies of vision quests and animal guides.
Chakotay folded his medicine bundle, the akoonah safely secured among the folds. "It is strange that your guide prefers to remain invisible."
"It was a perfect match too from what I've learnt about it," she said, miffed the little gecko had not come back. "The perfect companion to spend the next seven decades of my life with."
The large man almost dropped the leather pouch as he rose from his squatting position. "Are you telling me you researched the meaning of your animal guide?"
"You did say the two of us would develop a lifelong relationship. I wanted to know more about what I was getting myself into."
She winced. It was not exactly how she should have framed her words. Her hand found her hip, a way to regain some balance.
"Voyager carries a comprehensive cultural and sociological database of all known Federation worlds. Every Starfleet ship does. Knowing where you came from and your Earth ancestry, I keyed in the parameters of what I saw that first time. I didn't think it would be offended it I asked the ship computer about it."
Chakotay's frown deepened. "Captain, meeting your animal guide isn't the same as running a scientific experiment. Or attending a diplomatic conference where you would want to know as much as possible about your counterpart. As you said, living with your guide is about developing a connection, a bond. You learn about each other by talking, asking questions. Sometimes just enjoying each other's company is enough, not doing anything in particular."
She wondered briefly if he was still talking about her animal guide. Of course he was. "I am terribly sorry. It was arrogant of me to act that way and ignore your warning. I can only hope you don't think it was my intention to belittle your beliefs."
Like with B'Elanna, she'd rushed to action, an uncompromising urge to know and try to control all that she could, irrespective of people's feelings. Voyager had to go home, but was she really helping?
Chakotay put his medicine bundle on the low table of the living room before crossing to her. He took her hands into his, and rubbed her knuckles gently. His dark eyes captured her gaze. Despite the small voice in the back of her head telling her it was entirely inappropriate for her first officer to be that close to her, she made no effort to retreat.
"You didn't offend me, if that is what you are concerned about," he said. "My ancestors' beliefs have withstood many storms through many millennia, and it would take a lot to lessen my faith in them. The succour I've gained from it has stood me in good stead so far. I am just sad that I couldn't advise you better."
As if taking her silence for disapproval of their proximity, he let go of her, and she felt a deep pang of regret at the loss of contact.
He pulled on his ear lobe, a small gesture whose meaning she'd yet to fully understand, but it was so much him, she had to smile.
"I should have learnt from B'Elanna's experience that I am a lousy teacher," he said. "I must admit, you are the first person I know who's ever investigated their animal guide."
"From what I read, it was exactly what I needed," she said. "It would have given me the fortitude to leave behind parts of my past which are no longer practical to hold onto, and put me on the right track for a new beginning. A pity I could not make it work—"
She chuckled, then let out a full laugh and watched as Chakotay's face softened at the sound. Her hand found his chest, as naturally as if he was a part of her.
"What?" he asked, a dimply grin of his own showing.
Reigning in her mirth, she traced his tattoo with a touch of her mind. "I know why my animal guide has not re-appeared." Warmth for the man so close to her spread through her body.
Chakotay put his hand on top of hers. His frown was back, more confused than concerned.
Should she state the obvious? She didn't think he would be offended.
"I already have a guide, a good one. One who understands me," she said softly.
His smile returned, spreading to his eyes, and then he laughed too, and she did not need any guide to tell her he accepted the truth of what she had just found out.
After what seemed to be a long time but must have been only a few seconds at most, Chakotay released her hand and Janeway took a step back, awkwardness tampered with a new gentleness taking over her thoughts.
He picked up his medicine bundle. "I'll let my animal guide know of your findings, Captain. I believe she'll be most interested."
"We should thank them both for their counsel," she said, accompanying him to the door. "This time, we'll borrow from a long-standing tradition among my ancestors. We'll raise a toast to the two of them. But with the replicators still off limits, we may have to wait a few days."
Chakotay's grin widened. "You've got a date, Captain."
My greatest thanks to Vanhunks for her beta. She 'gets' Chakotay.