Dying Blind
by sydney SAMA
Disclaimer: All items, locations, characters, etc. belong to Square Inc.
She couldn't see. Her eyes were open, but saw nothing but endless green.
drowning...
drowning...
she was drowning...
Although she couldn't see, she could hear. She heard unidentifiable and cacophonous voices echoed all around her, screaming, accusing, yelling, doubting...
||be quiet||
her teeth ground together
||shut up||
she clamped her hands over her ears, trying to muffle the indistinct, yet so clear voices
||SHUT UP!||
They wouldn't stop, they wouldn't leave her alone. Tormenting her with accusations. She felt as if she were the victim of a witch hunt with townspeople gathering all around her, pointing fingers, yelling, throwing rocks...
And she couldn't defend herself...all because what they were saying was true. what the voices were saying rang loud and clear in her mind, pulling her into a sense of helplessness she had never once felt in her life before.
"stop! stop! STOP!" she crumpled to her knees, "please stop..."
A flash of light suddenly surrounded her, nearly blinding her terrified brown eyes.
†
"Stop what Tifa?" a familiar voice called out. The voice that would normally sounded warm and caring now sounded cold and meaningless. Why did he have to sound so cold?
Nothing came out of Tifa's open mouth. She slowly rose to her feet, her legs still a little wobbly.
"Cloud?" the figure in the center of a several different roads didn't budge. He was crouched down on a rock, his head hidden in his knees and hands. He didn't move.
"Cloud, where are we?"
silence floated wearily...
"Lifestream...the source of everything..."
Tifa nodded in understanding, "But what does it want?"
The unmoving figure finally stood up to its full height, and his eyes bore into hers. They were iced chips of lapis that glowed brightly despite the murky green they were ensconced in.
"It's not about what it wants Tifa. It's about what I want," his voice sounded more resolute, secure...and frightening than it had ever sounded to her ears.
And she was afraid.
little boy with
your clear blue eyes
were you happy
happy when you saw
the brown haired girl
Before she could ask a question, Cloud began speaking again, "I want to know... for sure, what happened that day five years ago. I want to know where I was, where you were, and where you thought we both were. Because I'm not too sure Tifa. I don't know what happened, and I don't know if I really want to know." he paused. "And I want to know why I don't remember..."
"...what happened that day?" Tifa finished his sentence before he had a chance.
Cloud frowned, "No. What my life was like before SOLDIER...what everything was like."
Tifa's eyes widened. She hadn't expected that. She remember clearly what her childhood consisted of during her years in the sleepy town of Nibelheim. Didn't he?
"Cloud...you don't remember anything?"
He shook his head, "It's all a blur...I can remember distinct times, but not anymore"
She nodded, "But you do remember that night..."
Another bright light flashed before them, and they were soon in an all too familiar place.
The dark indigo sky was speckled with millions of diamond like stars and two little figures watched them from the platform of a woody water tower. The figures were that of a young Cloud and Tifa. They mouthed silent words, soft gestures and movements becoming all too real. The memory was captured in time, and Tifa felt a warm sense of nostalgia.
"The promise..." she breathed as she looked into Cloud's eyes.
But the warmth held in her eyes didn't change the stony expression on his face.
"Yeah, I remember that day. Of course I do. But isn't there something else? Something else that can help me remember?"
Tifa thought for a moment, trying to remember a solid memory that would bring him back to her. There were an awful lot of years to recall back to...but she couldn't seem to pull anything out from them. She dug into the far reserves of her mind to find something substantial, anything sustantial that would prove to him that they indeed were together. But she came back empty handed. Her memories were nothing more than an empty mine that glittered with imaginary diamonds. There was nothing there...An awful dark sensation came over her, washing her mind in black. Were they as close as she thought they were? ...as she so wanted to think? She desperately wanted to believe that tiny voice inside her that pleaded that they had something...But she knew that voice was merely lying.
"We weren't even that close...were we?" Cloud's steely voice hit her like a punch in the stomach.
She couldn't formulate anything into coherent words.
"Is that why you remember the promise that well Tifa? Because there was nothing more than that, you replay it over and over in your mind pretending that we had something we never really had."
His words rang true and her head spun.
"I thought..."
"I know, you thought – but it wasn't true," Cloud looked away.
Tifa was silent, overwhelmed by what he had just said to be able to speak.
"I remember something from the past. You and I were both there, so maybe you'll remember too," his head turned away as he spoke.
The same light flashed before their eyes.
†
"Hey Tifa, you okay?"
My head was buried in my knees. I wanted them to go away. I wanted them all to get out. But I couldn't shake them off, so I said nothing.
"C'mon Teef, say somethin'. Don't just sit there."
I was beginning to get sick of their silly antics, them following me around constantly, every day. Everyday I had to put with them. Sure they were fun, but I couldn't handle it at that moment...Mom was gone...
"Hey, who's that? It's that skinny twerp Cloud, what does he want?"
"Yeah, let's go tell him to get away!"
"No one bothers Tifa!"
did you look out
the dusty window
and see her there
playing and playing
when you stayed inside
Funny...they were bothering me more than you ever did. But nevertheless, I said nothing. I didn't want anyone near me, I didn't even want you to come...but you still did.
"Hi Tifa...I just stopped by...to-to ask if you were feeling okay..."
Your voice was stuttering, as if you were nervous. I didn't really pay attention though. To tell the truth, I didn't care. My thoughts were occupied with Mom, and not of anything or anyone else.
But for one moment...I did care. For one brief second, my eyes met yours, and I saw the same hurt that was reflected in me. Your innocent blue eyes were locked onto me, and I couldn't escape your gaze. It's as if you were trying to tell me something, anything. And for one brief second, I wanted to listen despite the loud noisy boys around us. Your eyes cut through the fog in my mind like a pair of searching headlights...and I had no dark alley, no corners to escape to. But that too, was cut short.
All the voices, you, Johnny, and the other boys were suffocating me. I just couldn't deal with seeing anyone, I didn't want to see anyone except for one person. And that one person had just died.
So I made you all go away. I saw the hurt in your eyes, but what could any eight year-old make of it? I barely even noticed it, my head was too delirious. But I still couldn't get all of you to get away. You wouldn't leave...and I wanted you to.
So I left. If I couldn't shake off all of you, I'd have to get up and leave myself. The last words I said to the group of hovering boys was that I was going to the Nibel mountains to see Mom. Honestly I don't know why I went there. Maybe I was hoping Mom would be there, waiting for me beyond the craggy cliffs. Or maybe I just wanted to die there, so I could be with her again. Either way, it didn't really matter.
As I felt myself slip into the oblivion as the old bridge fell under my feet. I thought, I just thought I heard your voice. You, someone, an unknown person was calling out my name as I fell like a rock, plummeting into the dark below. As I heard my name being called out, it was dark.
†
I did call your name. I did follow you, and it was my voice that you heard.
I had heard that your mother had just died, after being sick for so long. I felt bad for you, but I felt so helpless. I couldn't help you even though I wanted to so badly. But still, I decided to give it a try. So I mustered up all the courage a frightened nine year-old could have and decided to go visit you.
It was the first day I had ever stepped foot in your house. It meant a lot to me, to sum it up. Do you know why it did? Besides the obvious fact that I had an enormous crush on you, it was an act of defiance to the countless boys that always surrounded you. The vast contingent of vultures that loved to hover above you as if you were a carcass that they prized. You were a prize, a trophy to everyone. Admired, loved, shown off, polished and yet...unreachable.
I hated them. I hated those boys and I wanted to kill them with my bare hands. But I put that aside, I put it aside to see you. And as I walked into that room, that room I had always stared into from my own, I felt their eyes on me, boring holes through my body. All eyes were on me...except yours. Except yours.
oh what did you do
when the big boys
pushed you around
and you pushed back
until you saw red
But then, finally, you looked at me. Maybe I looked at you, I don't remember. Either way, our eyes met, and it seemed like you were listening to me. I tried to tell you, everything would be okay, that I cared. I don't know if you caught that, but it seemed like you did, because you kept looking at me with those wine-colored eyes. Your eyes were always...different. As a child, I used to be kind of scared of them. They were reddish, unlike everyone else's, but nevertheless, I grew to love them, like else everything about you. Maybe you were listening, maybe you weren't but the next second I remember you making me and the others leave...but we wouldn't.
More specifically, I wouldn't.
So you left. You left us in the room staring after you as you walked away. So we followed you. We...I must have looked pathetic following you around like a duckling trailing behind its mother.
I didn't expect it, but you seemed headed for the Nibel Mountains. You walked and walked and walked...your head hung low. What were you thinking? No sooner had you reached the bridge when I felt the ground...fall. Then I saw you falling...myself falling.
I don't know what happened next, except that I had woken up to concerned voices...angry voices...
my knees were sore
†
Tifa turned her head violently to look at him...stare at him with her frantic burgundy eyes.
"You were there..." her voice was barely above a whisper.
He didn't answer, his face still hard, but merely looked at her with eyes colder than the winter snows...they chilled her.
"Cloud, don't you see?" her voice was pleading.
"Don't you see? You were there...that's proof! You were there Cloud, you were there...which means you're here. You're you, Cloud, and you're here."
She grabbed his shoulders roughly, "You're HERE Cloud...you're here..."
He pushed her off, "I know. Don't you think I know that already?"
Cloud turned away from her, and she could see him shaking.
"Cloud...?"
did you want to bite off
those pointing fingers
and punch the whole world
in the face
but were too weak to do it
He did not answer for quite some time, and an ominous silence swept over them.
"....don't you know what I feel...felt?"
"What?"
Abruptly, he turned around. His face was streaked,
"I said, don't you know...don't you want to know how...what I felt? The whole time? Even Now?"
Tifa numbly nodded.
The familiar blinding flash greeted them again. The last thing Tifa saw was Cloud's sad face...his sad eyes.
†
You don't know the half of it. You don't know anything...and you never did.
But now you will. You'll know now, even if you don't want to know.
....
Look into the window...doesn't look familiar does it? It's probably because you've never really looked through it before. I mean, why should you?
Why should you look into it, when you always look out of it...?
But this is how I lived, Tifa. This is how I saw what I wanted to see, even though I truly couldn't. This is how I saw you, every single day.
The window was like a crucifix to me. I knelt by it everyday, praying that you'd be inside that room. And I thanked God that you couldn't see me.
But this was the only time I could see you. Ever. The other times I even attempted to, I was beaten up by your tagalongs, your dad, whoever was there at the time. For years and years, I would look at you, watch you, from that clear window. It distorted reality for me, and with it, I entered fantasy.
A fantasy in which you saw me...everybody saw me.
But like I said...it was only a dream.
And I would wake up from that dream everyday...I would wake up to the cold hard truth of reality. I would wake up to it whenever I felt a punch in my stomach, a shove, a condescending glance from everyone...and not a glance from you.
I was in love with you as a child, Tifa. That love grew...it grew strong, even though I wanted it to die! And it continued to grow up until that fateful day I had asked you out to the well.
I had decided to join Soldier, to be like Sephiroth right?
†
"And that's when you decided to join Soldier to be like Sephiroth..."
Tifa's voice trailed off.
"NO!" Cloud turned around, a little bit of fury and frustration in his eyes.
"Don't you get it? I joined for you Tifa! I joined for YOU!"
She took a hesitant step back as his voice escalated.
"But...I don't understand Cloud..."
"Everything I did was for you! Why don't you understand...I did everything I could to catch your attention.. Even for one fleeting moment! If joining Soldier and becoming strong was going to make you turn your head, you damn well better bet that I was going to do it!"
would you long for those brown eyes
to stare back into your own
but then saw that they
were looking at everything
but you
Tifa's breath caught in her throat.
"But none of that mattered..."
Cloud turned around again, exasperated. "And it still doesn't matter, does it? It'll never matter to you. I'll never matter..."
She stomped her foot.
"No! You always have mattered to me Cloud, ALWAYS!"
But before she could continue, she was blinded by light flowing over her and Cloud.
†
"Daddy!"
The brunette ran towards her fallen father. She knelt over his broken body, whispered a few words into his deaf ear, then picked up the bloodied sword lying near him.
Screaming curses for killer, for Shinra, and for fate itself, she ran after the silver-haired man, sword in hand. With an unsteady arm, she swung the massive piece of polished metal at him...but was wounded instead of the other.
She fell, down down down...
†
Oh God...
I could practically feel my own heart pumping away the blood from my body. I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe.
My head tossed about slowly...and my hair was matted against my face.
I could barely breathe.
My hands lay motionless on the ground, and I felt wetness seep underneath them. Blood. Dying.
I could barely breathe.
As I lie there dying, I thought about things. I thought about you, in particular. Where were you? Where did you go? I need you right now...Right now, I need you. I'm dying Cloud, can you hear me? I need you. What happened to that promise you made to me two years ago? Was that nothing to you? Didn't it matter?!
It did matter. It mattered right now. I'm dying...goddamnit, where are you?
Where are you my hero...my knight in dull armor. I need you...please...
Tears rolled down my cheeks...and I watched them from the corner of my eyes, as they hit the blood. The salt mixed in solidly with the red, and they became one...They stung and burned. But they would have still stung, even if it didn't seep into my wounds...because my wounds were always there, unhealed and open. The blood didn't have to be there for me to know that they existed.
Please.
I'm scared...
I couldn't breathe.
†
I ran when I saw you, in that puddle of blood. I thought you were dead...
But I picked you up...I didn't think you saw me.
You were so light, so frail. Nothing like what I had perceived you to be. You were always the strong one, and I, the weak. You were the one I had needed and wanted for so long.
But now, the roles were changed.
I held you against me, and felt your blood seeping into my clothes. I held you, memorized you...
Your cheek was against mine, and I could feel your tears seep down my own cheeks.
Then, I heard your voice. You said that I had come...you were delirious...but you said that I had come. I was here, I was here, you said.
did you want to rip out
that soft brown hair
and make that girl
turn her head 'round
and make her look at you
I was there.
†
The blond boy put down the brown-haired girl gently against the metal floor. Then he picked up killer's sword lying near the tanks.
The blond boy had wounded him. But he was still alive. So the blond boy wounded him again, but was wounded in his stead. He was hurt, beyond recognition, but was alive.
So, as the blond boy grasped the edges of the hard metal, he felt himself being cut in his hands. But he bit down, passed over the pain...and tossed the silver-haired man over.
Down down down...into the green. He was alive. He was dead.
†
"I killed him..." Cloud whispered.
Tifa was crying.
"So it was you. You were there all along."
"Tifa, I was always there, you just didn't know it," he said quietly, bitterly.
"You never knew me. You never saw me. You never even acknowledged me!"
Genuine hurt showed up in her eyes, "That's not true, Cloud. I always saw you, you just led yourself to believe that I didn't. Can't you see?"
"I don't see anything," he said harshly.
She ignored him.
oh but now you don't recall
you can't remember what happened
what you wanted
and though you've hidden it all away
you want to see it again again again
"Can't you see...during the whole time your eyes were watching...there was another pair watching too?"
He turned around.
"...and they're still watching..." Tifa whispered.
"Now you know how it feels. You know now how it feels to be ignored, misunderstood, and not cared for. How does it feel Tifa?"
He grabbed her by the shoulders.
"How does it feel Tifa? How does it feel? This is how it feels to be nothing. To be a nobody. Feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be ignored and spat upon by someone you care for, doesn't it?"
He shook her violently, and she fell to her knees, "Doesn't it?!"
She sobbed loudly, and looked down.
"...it hurts."
He turned away, he didn't want to watch her cry.
"Because you're wrong. I waited for you everyday. I waited by the gates, I waited by my mailbox, by my phone. But I never heard from you. You're wrong Cloud. Because I already know how it feels..."
He looked down at her, his eyes burning.
"Maybe you're not the always one on the short end of the stick, because I'm on it a lot. More than you know. The window I always looked through was a dirty, clouded, and broken one. You don't know anything..."
did you ever think
what would ever happen
when that happy girl finally
looked at you
with her brown eyes waiting
She looked up at him, the pain clear in her eyes, but continued.
"I've always wanted to tell you things...Things that deal with how I feel...But you're never there. You're never there to even hear the things I want to tell. You're always too busy, or whatnot. When we were taken in at the Shinra headquarters, I was excited to be sharing a cell with you. But as soon as we were alone, you walked away, and chose to talk with her instead. The night before we went to the temple, I went to your room in the hotel at the Golden Saucer, but it was empty. So was hers. Sometimes I wonder if our promise seven years ago really had anything behind it. Because you said that you'd rescue me when I was in trouble...." her voice drifted off.
"...well Cloud. I'm in trouble now."
she paused.
"I was blind once, Cloud. But my eyes are open...They've been open since the moment you left me in Nibelheim. It took me awhile, but I never really started seeing you...until you were already gone. But you're here now. You're here with me,"
She started to cry again. Softly this time, and to his ears, it sounded like a quiet rain was falling. And he was drowning in the water that fell slowly from her eyes, until he too was basking in the water.
oh little boy with
your clear blue eyes
were you happy
happy when you saw
that brown haired girl crying
"Oh God Tifa..." he could not hide any further, and the impenetrable mask that he had worn so often and so well was beginning to unravel. He had always used it to his advantage as an invisible wall to push people away. To push them away before they got too close. But now, it was breaking down as it had always done when she was in his presence. Only before it had always been reconstructed.
Except now. Now, it was broken down permanently. And nothing could bring it back.
He took her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. He felt the warm sting of her tears against his cheek...and they burned like fire. Except this fire felt familiar, common place, and it was tired. It was time for it to die down...for it to go away.
They stood there, and all was quiet. The angry accusing voices had died down, and a revelation came over Tifa...they had belonged to him. But they were quiet now, just like he was.
Shutting her eyes tight she whispered, "What now? What now Cloud? Nothing will ever be the same if we wake up...And will we even remember anything? Oh God, will we remember this at all?"
He spoke, his voice a little drowsy. He was still drowning...
"I don't know...But what happens will happen...We'll see. We'll see..."
Holding him a little tighter, she sighed into his shoulder.
"Let's go back Cloud."
because you didn't see her
With that they began to disintegrate, leaving behind the green hell that had threatened to kill them...But in the end, had ironically saved them both. As their figures faded into nothingness, she turned her head to his ear, and whispered something. He smiled at her.
†
And as they floated away into sparkling, glittering dust, one could see the ghosts of a blond boy and his pretty brown-haired girl off in the distance. Her eyes were open, and looking at him. She grasped his hand with her tiny pale one, and for once...he smiled.
† le fin †
Author's notes: i've got to tell myself to stop writing these damn Cloud and Tifa fics. I dunno, i just can't quit...they're like nicotine to me...just kidding. anyway, i was inspired to write this after reading (quite some time ago) the masterpiece, "Twisted" by tamerine (is that still her official penname?...or is it Crimson Elf? O_o). thinking back, i totally agree... the lifestream sequence in the game was quite revealing, but not enough. it didn't go deep enough into what had happened between cloud and tifa, and didn't go into any measures to show what could happen between them in the future. i hope this was good enough...and i also hope you enjoyed the poem inserted into different parts of the story. it's called "little boy"... c & c welcome: sybersquid@aol.com