Authors Notes:
This is not a happy story. It's a personal story. I don't know how this story will end. I suspect some of you won't read it after this introduction, in fact I'm sure no one will, but I know it must be written, read or not. It's amazing how much clearer I've been since writing it, and sharing it's the last step to help me keep going. In fact I've finally started on a new story, a happy love story of course. So to those of you who do continue on past this…thank you.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Yaio relationship. Angst. OOC. Goku x Vegeita.
"What do you mean?"
Goku sighed and wearily rubbed his face as he sat down next to the angry prince. He placed his calloused hand on Vegeita's arm only to have him jerk away.
"Vegeita…please…"
"Please what Kakkarott?" Vegeita's eyes were rimmed with tears even thought he tried his best to hold them in. Dark eyes searched his mates as he continued to stare at Goku with a mixture of confusion and betrayal.
"I'm sorry Vegeita, I just…I can't do this right now."
The younger Saiyajin had been repeating that phrase for twenty minutes now and Vegeita was still no closer to understanding, more or less accepting, what he was being told.
"So that's it. You're just giving up on me? On us?"
The proud prince fisted the pillow on his lap resisting the urge to shred the flimsy fabric to pieces as he stared unblinkingly at his mate.
Goku's normally cheerful face was the solemn tired mask Vegeita had grown accustomed to seeing these past few months. He supposed he'd know this was coming for some time, but had chosen to ignore it, pretending instead that the fights weren't becoming more frequent, or that Goku wasn't gone for longer periods of time before he'd finally return home.
Finally Vegeita tore his eyes away from the dark earth beauty squeezing them shut as he tried to will the tears not to fall. They'd both been upset lately, but he'd never realized to what extent Goku's Feelings for him had been pushed. The endless fights over nothing, the long periods of complete silence between them when they were in the same room, Goku constantly seeking companionship with his other friends instead of himself, all these things should have been warnings to the prince, but instead he'd let his pride and anger get in the way fueling the fights when they should have been calming down and trying to fix things. What had hurt him the most was whenever he did get up the strength to ask Goku what was wrong he'd been met with an emotional wall of denial as the younger Saiyajin persistently insisted everything was ok even though through their bond Vegeita had known better. He just didn't know how to get his mate to talk to him and thus ended up getting angry himself starting the whole vicious cycle again.
At last there came a time where Goku had started blocking him out all together, of his life and his mind. The younger Saiyajin would take off for days at a time to train and shut him out completely leaving him at home alone to worry about his mate. Late at night, during the long periods of time that he would go without even being able to sense Goku's ki, Vegeita would lay cry thinking of the worst possible things that could have happened to his mate, only to have him return suddenly out of the blue acting as if nothing unusual had happened. It had slowly been driving the prince mad, making him question himself and everything he did constantly.
Finally, it got to the point where pain was his only escape, the only thing that calmed him down and brought him somewhat back to his senses. At first training had been enough, sparring and working till he would pass out sick with exhaustion. That was until Goku had started to hound him about his health and how what he was doing was not good for him. So many times he had wanted to scream 'Well what you're doing to me isn't good either', but instead kept it all bottled inside holding on to his suffering.
Soon it became too much for the older Saiyajin to bear. When he put his fist through the bedroom mirror it had been his first real cutting, the first time he had known relief since all their problems had begun. Watching in silence as the bright red oxygenated blood dripped off his finger tips and splashed onto the wooden floor was like watching all the anger and all the frustration siphon from his body, giving him a sense of calm like he had never felt before. Sure on many occasions he had seen his own blood, what fighter hadn't, but never before had it felt so cleansing so refreshing in a way that he couldn't describe, even to himself.
Since then, after every fight he found himself hiding alone, curled up in the dark somewhere as he slowly drew the sleek blade of the small knife he'd brought over the tight flesh of his left arm, watching recently when first the thick blood welled up into the shallow cuts, shortly followed by the clear plasma as his Saiyajin body fought to heal itself. Then the purge would come, the releasing of his anger, the total comfort that he got from the bloodletting that no amount of tears or screaming could give him. Over time his fast mending body grew accustom to the cutting and he found himself having to cut deeper to get the same relief until his left arm was a wretched pattern of lattice white scars marring his flawless pale skin.
Only a few times had Goku caught him making him become extremely paranoid of where he was when he decided to put steel to flesh, as well as the added habit of not letting others touch or even see his marred arm. Long sleeve shirt where now the norm with the prince, even his training uniforms all had to have sleeve now.
He knew the younger man knew how hard it was for him to have a relationship with trust. Abused by every person he had ever let close, emotionally shutting himself off from the world and everything in it, until finally he'd found the earth raised Saiyajin. Goku was the one person in the universe that made him feel good. The younger Saiyajin was his anchor to all the good things still left inside of him. The one person that he felt comfortable being himself around without judgment or criticism, and to know that the one constant stable thing in his life was walking away from him without even trying to fix things made him want to die.
Vegeita knew how much had gone wrong in their lives, but he also knew all the good there still was too. Just a few weeks ago they had had their biggest fight to date. They hadn't said much to each other in the days leading up to the fight and Vegeita in desperation turned to the only person left who might listen to his pitiful story and not turn him away. Bulma, his ex-wife. It hadn't been her fault, she was only trying to help, but when he had broken down and told her all the things that were going wrong between him and Goku she had fixed him a drink and told him it would help calm him down. He'd known better but had been in no frame of mind to put up his normal abhorrent protests to the foul tasting liquor, and by the fourth glass was laughing and crying at the same time as he continued to down every shot she poured him.
In the morning Vegeita had woken up alone in one of the guest rooms not remembering much about what happened, but knowing he must have been sick sometime during the night from the bitter taste in his mouth. He stumbled out of the bed and finally made it to the bathroom swishing his mouth out with half a bottle of mouthwash until he could no longer taste the sourness in the back of his throat. Somehow he had made it down to the kitchen without breaking his neck. The realization that he was still drunk came when he couldn't remember how to work the coffee maker. Ten minutes of struggling and he had finally managed to brew a thick black pot of coffee so strong that it made his stomach protest with nauseating flip-flops and loud gurgles. Nursing the pungent drink Vegeita wondered outside to the garden and spent the next few house muttering to himself and trying to sober up, all the while feeling horrible about what he'd drank last night. So caught up in his guilt and lamenting that he didn't even notice when the younger Saiyajin come outside, not even when he had stood behind him calling his name was he heard.
Hours past and slowly the hang over set in forcing the aching prince back inside. Bulma was in the kitchen cooking and told him that Goku had come in late last night pretty beaten up, told her that he'd been sparring with Piccolo. With his heart in his throat Vegeita had rushed off to the room Bulma indicated Goku had fallen asleep in and was crushed to find only a tattered orange gi and bloodied wrappings littering the floor. The tears came again and he rushed to as Bulma when he had left but she was shocked to hear he was gone. The fact that his ex thought that Goku should not be up and about broke his heart because he knew deep down that he had left because of him.
Bulma tried to locate the hurt Saiyajin but had no luck, and after no success in calming the distraught prince left him in alone to morn. Later in the evening Goku returned, very much in as bad a shape as Bulma had said. Vegeita had been afraid to see him and hid in the bathroom while Bulma took her long time friend out to the garden to talk. Curled up on the bathroom counter the once proud prince drifted in and out of a fitful sleep waking only long enough to be assured by the soft voices coming from the garden before returning to his nightmares.
It seemed like an eternity, but Bulma finally called him outside and the three of them sat talking about the couple's problems, something that was very hard for the Saiyajin prince who was used to holding his own counsel and talking to no one else, especially about his relationships. Surprisingly enough, with Bulma mediating, a lot was said that had needed to get out from both sides and Vegeita's fears of Goku growing more and more distant from him were confirmed. In the end the small Prince had ended up curled up in the larger Saiyajins lap sobbing his apologies and promises to work on everything they had talked about.
That had been two weeks ago. Two weeks of Goku still growing more distance, two weeks of him walking on eggshells with the constant fear to screwing something up. True to his word Vegeita had set out right away to curb his anger and ask for Goku's help desperate to show his drifting mate that he could change for the better. But while on the outside things seemed improved he had known things still were getting worse. Vegeita had asked repeatedly if Goku planned to leave him, but the younger Saiyajin would just smile softly and tell him they could talk about everything after his birthday in a week. That week had been the hardest in his life. Between the uncertainty and Goku constantly telling him he wouldn't make any decisions about leaving until after they had talked, Vegeita started feeling like he was going crazy again. His birthday came and went but no talking ensued. The next day he tried to broach the subject only to have Goku toss more of his 'don't worry' talk at him.
His birthday had been two days ago and now his life was at an end. Or at least it felt that way.
His eyes opened again staring at the space of bedding between them as he wiped at tear heavy lashes. The younger Saiyajin still hadn't moved despite the long period of silence and Vegeita let out a heart heavy sigh trying to find his voices in his thick dry scratchy throat.
"There was never any decision for you to make because you always knew you were leaving after my birthday didn't you." The prince's words lacked an incriminating tone coming out more as a defeated realization then accusation. "You lied, no matter how you look at it you lied Kakkarott."
Goku looked away from the dark haunted eyes that now focused on him giving only a small nod in response.
"Just like that you're leaving?" Vegeita asked a second time glancing fleetingly at the small backpack at the younger Saiyajins feet remembering when he'd bought it that Goku had told the prince it was for a camping trip that never happened. "You're my entire world…and you're just going to walk out on us without even a fight?"
Goku shut his eyes and sighed again turning until he was propped up against the wall. Vegeita felt his heart break all over again as the silent tears streamed down his face. Everything he'd been trying to do, all he had tried to fix, even their continuing love making, all in vain, and all worthless if Goku had already planned on leaving him. And if that was so, there was nothing he could do to stop him, even if there was he still wouldn't do it. He loved Goku too much to try and keep him with him when all he wanted to do was leave. It made him feel completely helpless and he hated the other Saiyajin for making him so weak. But his anger was unsubstantial and pointless, nothing in the face of the pain he felt at losing his mate.
"There's nothing I can do to make you stay…I know this." Vegeita's tortured eyes met Goku's own flat black orbs and the younger Saiyajin once more placed a hand on the princes arm, this time not getting shoved away.
"Nothing I can say or do but make my own decision." Goku sat silently watching Vegeita making the older Saiyajin long for him to reach out and wipe away the tears like he had on their first date. "My choice is to stand by you and do anything I can to save my life with you…Even if that means letting you go now."
"Vegeita I-"
Goku was cut short as a small body hurled itself into his arms, Vegeita burring his face into the others chest sobbing and breathing in his scent, maybe for the last time. They sat silent, the only sound a soft sniffling as the prince wound down, Goku gently running his hand through the flame kissed hair of his mate. Part of Vegeita wanted to pretend nothing was wrong he knew he could do it, just stay snuggled u to his mate forever, but that was part of what had gotten them to this point in the first place. So regrettably, Vegeita soon sat up, hastily pushing away the tears from his stained cheeks.
"So…" Vegeita's attempts to smile fell short and he sighed holding back the tears once more when Goku took his hand.
"Kami I don't know what I'm going to do without you." Vegeita whispered.
Goku gathered the prince up in his arms hugging him tightly.
"You'll be ok love. This doesn't have to be forever…or even a year. I just need to be alone right now. I have to get myself strait out before I can think about someone else."
"Do you still even love me?" Vegeita asked daring to look up at his mates face.
"Kami yes 'Geita! I love you and care for you now just as much as I ever have, but something feels different inside of me. I don't know what it is, I don't even know how to describe it and I don't know if it will ever go back to how it was, but I hope it will. All I know right now sweety is that I need to be alone."
Vegeita felt the tightness in his chest and shut his eyes nodding as he swallowed the heartache even thought he couldn't truly understand what Goku was telling him. He didn't see how you could commit yourself to someone then leave if things got too hard, how you could truly love someone yet not know if you wanted to be with them anymore. But something inside him realized that it wasn't for him to understand it anymore them it was for him to force Goku to change his mind about leaving. The only thing he could do was stick by his decision to stand by his mate and give him the time alone he needed, no matter how hard it was.
"You do what you must Kakkarotto. You are a Saiyajin after all; we Saiyajins always do what we must. You must leave, and I must let you." Brave words that he didn't feel he thought as he fought the urge to hide away in his mates arms again. "I will always be here waiting for you."
"I can also promise something else. I will never to hurt myself again." Vegeita added subconsciously touching his own left arm.
"Thank you 'Geita. I'd like that a lot."
Tears flowed down the prince's cheeks as he watched his mate stand up and fetch his backpack, tears that he did not try to hide or even wipe away. There was no point; he knew where he stood now and what he must do. What other choice did he have?
"Please," He chewed on his lip concentrating before he was able to control the shaking in his voice. "If you ever need anything…I'll always be here Kakkarotto."
"Thanks sweety." Goku leaned down and touched his cheek leaving a small kiss on his forehead. "Goodbye."
"I love you!" Vegeita called out as Goku turned the opened the bedroom door.
"I love you too 'Geita."
The door shut softly and Vegeita sat motionless listening to the muffled steps, then the light creak and click as Goku walked out the front door. His resolve melted away and Vegeita dissolved into a crying puddle on the bed beating his fists on the pillows and screaming into the thick comforter. All the built up pain and suffering seemed to try and get out all at once leaving his small body wracked and exhausted as the screams turned to sobs and the sobs slowly tapered off into uneven sniffles. The spent prince rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling afraid to look anywhere else because it all reminded him of his mate. He had no clue as to where to go from here. He couldn't imagine his life without the strong oaf there to help him along. Three years seemed like a life time and an instant all at the same time.
Vegeita sat up and used his sleeves to wipe the spit and tears from his face. He knew the one thing he wouldn't do again was hurt himself. It was all he wanted right now but he wouldn't break his promise. He would show Kakkarott he could change, even if his mate wasn't here. He would work on himself; he would be strong for him. It was the only thing in life that he had, his only goal now.
"Be strong for Kakkarott." He said to the empty room with a raspy voice.
The proud prince of all Saiyajins picked himself up and headed to the bathroom. First a shower, then he'd start picking up the pieces of his life. Somehow he had to.
To be Continued…I hope.